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Reviewer: Velasco Signed starstarstarstarhalf-star [Report This]
Date: January 21 2025 8:27 PM Title: Prologue + PEA Laws

This is a great start, especially considering that is your first story. Very cleanly written, effective prose, and a somewhat classic, yet intriguing premise and setup.
The only thing that i can see you can improve on is maybe indulging a bit more on the descriptions. You have the space to do that, and only adding a couple sentence here and there where the scene requires it would do a lot to help with the imagery. Also, a very minor thing, but a few more tags could help, if you already know what you want to put inside it.

Apart from that, this is a great first piece. I will follow it with interest

Reviewer: DoNotWant321 Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: January 18 2025 6:14 PM Title: Prologue + PEA Laws

Very good start to the story! You have excellent prose and dialogue and I'll definitely be keeping my eyes open for future chapters.

If I may offer a bit of criticism, since you asked, I would probably devote a bit more time to imagery to help us visualize the story. At the moment, I can't even tell if President Martin is a male or female. If a character feels dread at 12 colossal beings before him, he should describe them. If a character's vision lingers on another character (like Darin does with Ava), you should describe what they're seeing.

With that said, this is very well-written and I'll be interested to see where the plot goes. Perhaps touch up this chapter with a few more descriptions of characters or the setting (it is an introduction, after all), but I can tell you have a gift for words and worldbuilding (I love the "mini/many" pun) so this should be a promising story.

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