[Report This]Date: November 22 2024 7:52 PM Title: Lily vs. the Army
I like this story. It's a real crowd pleaser that delivers on what you set out to do and does it well.
I'd really like to see what the femdom world looked like before Lily grew. Lily is a great domineering character and it would be fun to be introduced to how this world works before it gets blown apart by her growth. Similarly Blaise seems to be someone who gets teased but everyone is affectionate toward. it would be interesting to build or tease why that is and what that history is.
I also think that you could have more build up to each of Lily's beat downs. The mech is a particular interesting example. It should beat her. You would see a character go from invincible to zero. An during this process be confronted with how brittle the mech is and how it can be permeated by her farts (maybe something that wasn't planned). You can use this build-up to add more suspense and fill in time between beatdowns since those are ultimately the climax of the story.
Great writing. I'm writing this feedback because I want more and I think you're excellent at writing action.