[Report This]Date: August 06 2023 11:50 PM Title: Special Anniversary
Wow, for a first try this story is really awesome! No worries about
the Google automatic translation, it didn't make you story less
enjoyable because of the mistakes that automatic translator puts on the
story. Of course there are grammar errors and such, but many readers
here may have the time and will to help you, maybe one of them reaches
you out to give you any needed help. I also don't speak English natively
and you can find some mistakes in my texts, no matter how hard I try to
find and correct my errors and even use Grammarly to help me with text
exactness.
About the story itself, the 'drunken girlfriend
swallowing her boyfriend' is a nice scenario that never grows old or
tiring! As many stories out there, your story also used this theme very
well, and the rising tension with the roleplay growing more closer to a
dangerous ending was thrilling in its own way, mostly because it
happened with a (supposedly*) loving couple.
If you don't mind
constructive criticism, the only things I found to be a bit different to
what one would normally expect in situations like that are: 1.
(*) the little care Agatha shows about her boyfriend after she realizes
she digested him. She already shows that little care right before and
some little time after swallowing him in her wine, but as she was really
drunk, it could be just the alcohol talking. But, after she sleeps and
wakes up, realizing she really digested her boyfriend, I would expect
her to show some more regret as she literally killed her loved one. Except of course if
she didn't love him as much as I thought she did (the reason I used an
asterisk when I wrote about them being a loving couple - her final
thoughts about him put it under true doubt). This was a bit unclear for
me in the story and I ended up not knowing if she just had an
unexpected/unfit behavior or if she really didn't love him in the end
and his digestive death was just a memory to be forgotten someday for
her. And 2. the time digestion took was a bit too fast, lol!
Three hours! Yeah, some paople have a really fast metabolism (and I am
myself one of them lol), so we can have people going to the bathroom to
do their businesses twice a day, but eating something and pooping it
out in just three hours... well, usually it takes something between
twelve and twenty hours, normally... again, maybe she has a
really really fast metabolism, or her digestive tract didn't agree with
what she ate and forced her to put everything out really soon, but when
it happens, the waste usually comes still liquefied as the large bowels
don't have enough time to re-absorb the water from the many juices used
during the digestive processes...
But, believe me, these are just two points I thought that would be nice to write about, and by no means they are saying your story is bad, no! Your story is great, and I really enjoyed reading it! I even had the expectation of the guy surviving in the end, despite knowing it wouldn't happen.
Well, very nice!
Author's Response:
Hey! Thank you very much for reading my story! Constructive criticism is fine, especially from a good writer like you!
I'm glad google translate didn't spoil the sense of the story.
I know that the plot of this story is quite trivial, but admitting that I am a big fan of such scenarios, that's why I decided to do the first story with couple!
1. When I wrote this, my idea was that simply after a fait accompli, her fantasy and fetish would take over, which is why the character's reaction was the way she was. Still, I have to agree with you that they were in a relationship, and the indifference that followed might make it seem like she never really loved him. Thanks for pointing that out, I'll pay more attention next time
2. That's how I felt while writing this story. I think I made things a bit more difficult for myself by not being able to have a dialogue when he got smaller.
The second thing I agree with is that it digests too quickly. Now that I think about it, I could easily describe agatha's whole day after those three hours. Maybe she would go somewhere, or write a worried text to her boyfriend, why is he nowhere to be found?
This is a very valid point and thank you very much for it, I will definitely improve it in the next stories
Finally, I wanted to thank you again for reading my story! Comments and advice from such a good writer like you are really very important and special to me, they give me the desire and motivation to write even better stories! ^^