[Report This]Date: July 07 2023 1:50 PM Title: Another Day on the Job
As promised I deleted the old review and here's the new one.
Wow, great edit! Talia and the bag scenes definitely much improved. Honestly the poor fellow deserved better but oops, sucks to be shrunk around such girls!
Love how Michelle deals with him so swiftly. Really believes she did her team a favor lol. Not usually a fan of footwear crush but the callousness of his execution was so sexy.
Overall a great improvement. I noticed a few typos still, but nothing bad enough to warrant pointing them out.
Updating my rating from 4 stars to 5. Would be cool to see another story with different victim in a similar position with the other team members. Story has potential to lead to a series of one offs involving a shrinking pandemic in my opinion.
Good work! This gives me an idea for my own first story, Nefarious. Didn't think of last time but re-reading the edit it crossed my mind.
Author's Response:
Hi! Glad to hear it improved that much, was still unsure of the quality even after the edits so that’s very nice!
Still working on catching typos, I proofread my stories at least twice but always end up missing some, just something to work on I suppose.
I certainly like the idea of this being an anthology type series later on down the line. Could see the team accidentally crushing a few other faculty around the school. Maybe a referee after one of their games? Also, glad to hear it gave you an idea, will have to check out your story soon!
Thank you again for all these detailed critiques and suggestions, it’s been very helpful!
Date: July 06 2023 3:29 AM Title: Another Day on the Job
In response to your response :)
I think adding some more details regarding the harm inflicted by Talia's phat, juicy arse would be good. Especially with how he falls into the bag. The bag scenario's biggest issue is lack of description that doesn't justify his "escape" per say. Is it a duffle bag? If so I don't see how he escapes. However, if its a backpack, which is tilted on its side somehow (maybe after Talia dumps her socks into it, it tips over which allows him to barely crawl out with his life). The story itself is good, I just think some minor detailed additions would do it a load of justice is all.
Also with the ending, which I'll spare for spoiler purposes, perhaps adding some detail on the sounds and feeling of his "death" if you know my drift, would also be a great service to the story.
The story being a one shot is mostly the reasoning for my previous critiques. With one off stories, they have to be almost perfect in detail, because there won't be future chapters to evolve and overcome previous ones, if you know what I mean.
I usually refrain from reviewing because you never know how the author will react to the slightest criticism, so I definitely appreciate your response!
If you do update the story, let me know. I'd be glad to delete the older review and post an updated review with your changes :)
Just respond to this review if you do so I get notified. I get emails for author responses.
Author's Response:
Hello! Just updated the story with those edits and suggestions, so I would love to hear what you think of the new version. Please be honest, the criticism is helpful, I've never written a story quite this violent before so I am still learning how to convey the content. I changed up his injuries slightly, didn't want to go overboard as I felt like that would make it nearly impossible to explain his escape from the bag if he was completely mangled. I also added a little more to the ending, drawing it out slightly. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts and any other suggestions you have for my future stories! :)