[Report This]Date: January 09 2023 4:51 PM Title: Chapter 8: Rescue Operation
Ok... hm.
Yeah.
This is a story with a lot of potential, not going to be too harsh, because you could be setting up the greatest cinematic universe of all time, but...
Here's just a few suggestions:
There have been no consequences to any actions by Jason outside of the shrinking, which seems more like a benefit than anything. You've established Jason as a character who gives into peer pressure, that's how he got into this situation, and sure enough he does just that when the Cheerleader Death Squad (i forgot their names) got him to agree to go into Maude's mouth, and then-
...
It just kind of ends? We're not given much of a description, there's no real... meat to the situation, you just say what happens, no reaction from Jason, no realization that maybe he should've done that and that peer pressure is what got him into shrinking in the first place, it just happens, ends, and Maude gets arrested, which is fine on its own but needs way more pretext to actually be effective in getting across what I think you were trying to do.
Generally this is part of a bigger problem where Jason doesn't feel like he's suffering for being shrunken, he's treated pretty much the exact same despite not only being a criminal, but quite literally being called a toy. Other than the Cheerleader Death Squad, we don't get anything else from what he's doing, so I'd suggest maybe leaning into some of that a bit more, since it can also help us relate to Jason.
Also I will say I like the idea of tech from the future being the cause of this, but maybe thirteen-sixteen year old protagonists being so adept with this stuff is a bit... weird? I mean, I like it conceptually but it just comes off as a bit weird is all, probably just a personal thing. I'll be looking at whatever comes next for this since it has a lot of places it can go, but good luck!
Author's Response:
Thank you for your in depth review and criticism, if I’m doing something wrong, I appreciate having it pointed out. Sometimes when I write, I just phone it in instead of spending enough time on it. I’ll go through and edit some of the chapters and add more material.
I didn’t realize the kids being adept with the new tech would be implausible, I’ll try to work on that. Maybe there is a club at school where they learn about it.