Date: September 24 2022 8:05 AM Title: Chapter 4: A Familiar Face
Description has improved, and It ends in a manner that aims to captivate the readers attention. Good stuff.
This time I do have a slight flaw, and that there are many times where the perspective keeps changing. Sometimes the narrative uses “he does” and switches to “I do.” If that makes sense. My issue is apparent in your opening paragraphs somewhere. It’s just a little jarring.
Since the use of his own perspective to highlight the protagonist’s own thoughts is quite minor, consider using italics or single quotations or anything to hint that the male lead is thinking. For example “I’m on top of a fucking shoe” is quite different to most of the piece, as it uses the male lead in first person but most of the text uses a different one. You could italicise these personal thoughts if you want. Just my own nitpick.
Date: September 15 2022 9:38 AM Title: Chapter 4: A Familiar Face
great story so far
[Report This]Date: September 04 2022 12:01 PM Title: Chapter 3: Where am I? pt.II
Love it. Your descriptions are really great and capture the feeling of helplessness very well.How tall is he exactly if I may ask ?
Author's Response:
Hey there! Thanks for the response, it truly means a lot to me to hear that. He is less than 1/2 an inch tall, about a 1/4 of an inch
[Report This]Date: September 04 2022 8:29 AM Title: Chapter 3: Where am I? pt.II
Well, I’m currently up to date on this story: it’s fairly standard stuff, but that’s a given considering how it’s a spin on a fairly ordinary premise. What matters most is how it’s executed well. The writing prose is simple and easy to read, perhaps description here and there could be improved, but even if it wasn’t it’s still to a decent standard. The contents of what’s written so far also bare no reason for strong criticisms, it’s all fairly good. I’d say keep doing what your doing.
However, you did ask for feedback. So I’ll list a minor nitpick of mine. Being that there isn’t much being covered per a chapter. A few hundred more words would be nice, simply due to chapter 1 and 3 ending in a manner that is fairly lack lustre. Nothing wrong with that, but it’s far more exciting to read the next chapter when the prior one leaves you anticipating more. I personally think 100-200 extra words could resolve this nitpick.
Overall, this story is promising. But there isn’t much to review yet. I’ll probably come back when there’s more. And at this pace, I’m sure many more people will want to too.
Author's Response:
Thanks a billion for leaving the review and the advice! I'll definitely try to keep that in mind with the endings of the chapters. Hopefully I can write something that people enjoy, because I've enjoyed writing so far very much!
Date: September 02 2022 2:18 AM Title: Chapter 1: Where am I?
Very nice start so far.
You asked for feedback, whether positive or negative, so I shall give you some advice someone once gave me when I first posted here.
I wrote a story I thought was really good, but no one responded. I wondered what was so terrible with my story when a lady wrote back that there was nothing wrong with my story. People, and even those that love your story may not leave feedback, positive or otherwise.
She told me the best thing to do is simply write my story, the way I want my story to go, and my audience will find itself. That is the advice I'd like to pass on to you.
Sure, a commenter might make a suggestion you may or may not have thought of, yet adds immensely to your story. That is the type of suggestion you should consider so long as it does not take away from your overall concept.
Another suggestion, USE SPELLCHECK!!! Nothing takes away from a story more than bad grammar.
My final suggestion, wait a day after writing a chapter before you post it. Then go back and proofread it. Make sure it says what you want it to say. People often rush to post, then you have a sentence along the lines of "She shrank the man, then he put her in his panty" {Wait, did a woman shrink a guy or did a guy shrink a woman? WTF???}.
So far your writing is top notch. Well done, but where's the shrinking? HE HE HEAuthor's Response:
Oh my god! Thank you so much for the advice! It really means a ton that you would even read my story and enjoy it, let alone respond. I'm not too worried about wanting everyone to, but that seems smart. I'll write my story, and those who like it will like it I guess. And the shrinking is coming soon, I promise!
[Report This]Date: September 02 2022 1:14 AM Title: Chapter 1: Where am I?
*Sigh!*
Only in romantic fiction could mornings-after be that productive. :-(
Author's Response:
Haha yeah it seems to have been a little tooo good of a morning. Thanks a million for reading and responding!
[Report This]Date: September 01 2022 11:15 AM Title: Chapter 1: Where am I?
Promising start. Cant wait for more !!
Author's Response:
Thank you so much for reading and letting me know you like it! It actually means so much to me