Date: June 17 2009 11:20 AM Title: Daydreams and familiar faces
Starting the chapter in flashback was a nice touch, and the subject of said flashback was of great interest, too. Parents are a big issue with both of them, seeing as how they both live with theirs respectively and all. I thought it was kinda funny how Bobby's parents called Jen's to tell them of the arrangement. I don't know; normally that level of meddling would seem annoying (realistic, but annoying nonetheless), but it just made me laugh a bit.
Sarah once again tries her hand at obtaining Bobby. That's gotta get pretty tiresome for Jen after awhile, let alone Bobby. I think someone has something of a fetish...
Seeing the story through Bobby's eyes inherently leaves a bad taste in my mouth when reading Jack, which is great for the story. I thought he was pretty clever, the subtle way in which he reminded Jen of her previous relationship, trying to plant that seed of doubt.
You did a great job with the mannerisms in this chapter. It was easy to tell how uneasy Jen was around Jack (with Bobby watching,anyway). Jen's natural reaction to remembering the nervousness of meeting Bobby's parents, as well as gazing off into the sea at the though of adapting to being tiny were brilliant strokes, too.
This story is setting up pretty well. I'm eager to see what you've got planned.
Date: June 16 2009 9:00 PM Title: Back in business
A great start you're off to!
I like the method in which you retell the original story, scattering bits and pieces of it throughout the chapter. It coincides with Bobby's all over the place line of thinking very well. I also like how he says he won't "bore us with the details" as to why his girlfriend is only three inches tall.
You've set up a great rapport between Jen and Bobby early on. They aren't "all lovey-dovey" all the time, but rather sound like a real couple (except for the one obvious exception).
I gotta admit, Sarah still kinda rubs me the wrong way, but that's going back to the original. I'm interested to see if things really are okay between them when Bobby is his regular size, as he claims they are.
Again, you are off to a fantastic start.
Oh, and CaryComic, consider yourself lucky that I still don't know how to throw tomatoes across the internet.
[Report This]Date: June 16 2009 5:41 PM Title: Back in business
Hmmm! If the pockets of Jen's waitress-skirt are short enough to see through (if only silhouettes), then they're thin enough to tear.
Add a busy restaurant within walking distance of a co-educational college? And, you've got plenty of chances for Bobby to become both a "drop-out" and the object of "pick-ups."
*Reviewer cups hand to ear, listening for groans.*
Author's Response: lol yeah that was lame, but she's not wearing a skirt. She's wearing jeans but wearing an apron over it so I can't see too well (since Im tucked in her pocket)