I know it's your first story but here's a good piece of advice:

Avoid writing like an internet chatroom.

Also, the plot (if there was one) needs more sense and the whole thing needs to be believable.

When I used to write proper stories here, I'd try my best to do such things, but I'd never know what was wrong with them, because people never reviewed them. Well, here I am giving you a review and telling you what's wrong with the story, so you can write better next time :)

Avoid chatroom writing, and make a plot and make the characters more believable and not typical, as I hate two dimensional characters