[Report This]Date: September 12 2023 8:28 PM Title: Chapter 5 - Travel Plans Within Plans
Haven't read the latest chapter yet, but I wanted to get my thoughts down on Ch. 5.
A lot of interesting backstories going on here. Ronnie and Dick are still a delight to see. The details of Ronnie's background certainly add an intriguing layer to her character (was not expecting her landlord's grandson to be extorting her). Dick continues to be great, with his past mistakes heavily shaping his mindset and motivating him to be very respectful of Ronnie (sometimes more than she'd like). Though, perhaps his mistakes aren't as egregious as he believes them to be. Or maybe they're worse, I dunno. I like that we only know about what he did wrong from his perspective, so it's currently unreliable as to how he should be judged.
Kim and Jen's situation makes a lot more sense now. Also an unexpected development, these backstories are really creative. Their flirting (or whatever you want to call it) was also a treat.
I think it speaks volumes how hard I'm rooting for our protagonists against their opposition. I hate (in a good way) manipulative characters like Vanessa and Stella doing so much to undermine all our protagonists hard work. I can only hope they both have some sort of comeuppance coming their way, but great work on the antagonists.
A small criticism: some of Kim and Jen's dialogue felt heavy-handed, specifically when they were revealing details of each other's past. I like that you revealed most of that stuff through dialogue (for the other characters as well), but a lot of details seemed like things the two of them should already know about each other, so the way they explained it came across as if they were talking to the audience directly about their backstories. I noticed this with Elise in the last chapter too, it's just a bit awkward having these big chunks of dialogue expositing information the person they're talking to should already know. Like, it's clearly being said for the reader's benefit, not the character's. This wasn't so much an issue with Ronnie because Dick didn't know about Crusher, so her explanation came off more naturally. (Sorry if this seems like a lot for a 'small' criticism. I over-explain my point to make sure I'm getting it across clearly. Honestly, it's mainly noticeable because of how good your dialogue and banter typically are).
Very excited to see where things go from here! I hope to have the next chapter read before 7 comes out!
Author's Response:
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM!!! That is a major part of why I'm writing these, to build my skills with feedback from readers, and this feedback is huge! I'll try to keep that in mind moving forward.
I had conceptualized chapter 5 as my last chance to flesh out the bigger portions of the backstory before moving into the action, like why Kim and Jen aren't a couple, even though they would be good for each other. In hindsight, I definitely rushed it, and I feel like I rushed Chapter 6 too, or tried to squeeze too much into one chapter. Definitely need to work on that moving forward. At least we're moving into the shrinking-heavy sections, so the dialgoue should be a bit more bite-sized. Thanks as always for reading, and for sharing your insight and experience!
[Report This]Date: September 09 2023 6:47 AM Title: Chapter 5 - Travel Plans Within Plans
You know, when Elise and Stella were introduced a couple chapters ago, I wouldn't have guessed that the shady-dealing right hand of our megalomaniacal supervillain in the making would be the one I liked and the 19-year-old intern wannabe being used by said potential supervillain's company would be the one I despised. I'm really enjoying the flip on the tropes associated with their archetypes, though.
But damn, Stella is just so hateable. She was judging the Fab Four before she even met them, and her first impression of Olivia was just despicable. Going to Claire's rival like that could be a pretty smart move, though, depending on what Stella has planned once the disgruntled professor arrives at the presentation, so credit where it's due.
And I love how assertively Livy shut Stella down. We've been seeing that side of her building throughout the story, and I'm eager to see where that particular development goes.
So it's probably a bad sign that both Jen and Ronnie have already imagined using the shrinking solution for exactly the kinds of things that the Fab Four want to avoid. Jen came off as pretty cranky and judgmental, which surprised me a bit, but we were also introduced to a pretty good reason for her to be that way as well. Still, shrinking someone and sticking them in your shoes for being rude seems a bit much. And I laughed a bit when she suggested that the Fab Four invented this stuff to keep up with the college guys they want to fuck, since, you know, they all only want to fuck each other.
We also got our answer for why Kim and Jen aren't together. I have to admit, I thought Kim would have been the hang up based on the first time we saw those characters. I do feel bad for Jen, struggling to get accepted back into a traditional family that's probably never going to let her back in. Overall, her character is a lot more complicated and interesting than I initially expected.
Ronnie's idea for the shrinking solution seems a bit more justified than Jen's, but would obviously still constitute abusing the technology. Still, I can't blame her for wanting to shrink Crusher, nor can I say he wouldn't have it coming. And Ronnie wanting to do something like that does fit her personality pretty well, as she comes off as a bit of a wildcard. She continues to be my favorite among the new characters introduced in this story, which is a high compliment given my feelings about the rest of them.
Richard also continues to come off as really likeable too, though. The fact that he clearly wants Ronnie but has so much respect for her to not perv out on her, especially after learning about some of other exploits, makes him come off as admirable, rather than pervy. And his anger at learning about Ronnie's situation mirrored the readers, and I really like feeling the emotion of a scene alongside a character.
I'm looking forward to Ronnie finally helping him loosen up a bit. He deserves it, and so does Ronnie, for that matter.
Fruit Roll-up underwear? What a brilliant idea. I'm sure Livy's stomach will appreciate that this time around.
This was another excellent chapter! I'm excited to see things ramp up next chapter, particularly since we're starting off with Ronnie and Dick!
Author's Response:
I'm honestly not sure I could have made Elise nearly as off-putting as Stella without a lot more effort. The role of corporate spy / mercenary has darker connotations that we inherently accept, so to make her relatively unlikeable, let-alone downright loathsome in that situation, I would have had to build a much darker character than this story deserves just to sink her below the "acceptable" levels for her role. Rather, by making her something of an idealist - or rather a realist with noble intentions - I can elevate her outside the norm, and actually craft her into an interesting character.
And then we have Stella. There's a bit of a background with Stella that hasn't been fully explored yet, but taking an unknown character and putting her in a tough spot tends to garner 1 of 2 reactions: 1) Sympathy, or 2) Vindictiveness. For those who take the sympathy path, the scenes of her actively lying to our leading ladies undermines that, instantly dropping her into a very different position. That sympathy is gone, and something has to fill that hole, and it tends to be strong and negative, which lets me play with her later in fun ways that... I won't get into here. And for the vindictive crowd, they can find a kindred spirit in Stella, and then take pleasure in... later, as-of-yet undisclosed activities.
I adore Livy. She's not a self-insert character, but she's kind of an ideal character for me. She's empathetic, supportive, successful, and still growing as a person. She can also be trusted with basically absolute power over another, without abusing it beyond the enjoyment of both parties. Plus she's engaged to Missy, so that's a whole lotta kudos there.
Jen is... young, I think might be the best way to put it here. She's a grown woman, and she's been through a lot, but she still has that youthful verve that tends towards more extreme or absolute responses to things. Plus, she's fantasizing, not acting on it (yet, anyway. She has a very active imagination), so we have yet to truly see just how much of a bad girl she is.
I have to say, it's incredible how much this feedback between chapters helps with finalizing decisions, smoothing rough spots, and tailoring focus on the points that at least seem to be landing. Thanks again for the review! I'll be back with some action on Monday!