Reviews For Kaylie
You must login (register) to review.
Reviewer: wildcatman Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: January 14 2014 6:03 PM Title: The Invitation

Pretty good, for a first story... The visual aspect is lacking in your discriptions slightly. You need to 'discribe' everything in a much greater detail...  example: Jeremy panicked as he saw Kaylie's feet slide off the table and.....???

Try this :  Jeremy's heart sank as he saw her tremendous bare sole's drifting toward him,  desending like a mighty oak, they roughly careened off the cliff-like edge and smashed into the floor with an enormous earth shattering implosion!

Something like that, maybe?   Just a suggestion. 

Cat.



Author's Response:

Thank you much, I'll keep that in mind in the future.

Reviewer: Carycomic Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: January 14 2014 10:55 AM Title: The Invitation

"Local disappearances," huh? Ominous!

Great job on these first two chapters, dude. :-) I read them right through!

Author's Response:

Thanks! I'm probably not going to address the disappearances more in this story, but if I like the way this one turns out, I might use that as a tie-in for other stories.

 

You must login (register) to review.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.