Reviewer: GTortoise Signed
Date: April 04 2017
Title: Chapter 26: Benefaction
Let me start by saying I wouldn't be writing a review if the story wasn't well written and compelling. Parts of it are good, other parts are great. The worldbuilding is solid, the power dynamics in society are interesting. The characters are consistent and have good moments of introspection.
That said, I have some criticism. The later chapters of this story lose the tension of the first half. I'm not saying Caitlin has to be looming around every corner but the aftermath of their confrontation has been filled with some friendly chats, a budding friendship (?) with Penny, family life, and introspection. For quite a few chapters nothing has happened to maintain the tension that the beginning of the story started and the confrontation with Caitlin escalated.
The relationship with Penny seems platonic (mostly because her attributes are not commented on in most scenes where she appears aside from allusions to her size) and while a friendly female protector would be great; I don't feel there is any real romantic tension between them- just a sort of vague awkwardness.
If Caitlin is not going to be an imminent threat there has to be tension in the story coming from somewhere else- and 'overcoming the psychological trauma' isn't serving that purpose because the trauma has no real stakes: Jack isn't suicidal. He hasn't shown signs of "snapping" or having some sort of complete breakdown he just... feels bad.
In summary: no matter how good your scene writing is, how well your characters are written, or how deep your worldbuilding goes - if a certain level of tension isn't maintained stories lose their appeal. If you're not going to maintain Caitlin as that tension my advice is find a way to heighten the tension in other aspects of Jack's life so that the stakes of each chapter rise from their current level of "I hope Penny texts me."
I hope this doesn't come off as too harsh. Thank you for writing.
Author's Response: This is a much-appreciated and honest review. In short - yes - there isn't an immediate source of tension sustaining the momentum at the moment, that will only return when Jack returns to school. For now, due to the slow/methodical pacing of the story, it's taking a while to guide Jack from Saturday afternoon/evening, when he was rescued, through to Tuesday morning, when he may well have to face Oakwood High once more. The 13 chapters from #5 through #18, which covered Jack's incarceration at Caitlin's place, covered around 24h of story time. The 8 chapters since have covered almost 48h, including a few revelations/flashbacks that have expanded upon things.
With regard to his trauma having no real stakes - PTSD isn't merely feeling 'bad', and it's justifiable that the character requires time to recover, even if it doesn't progress the story forward at a brisk pace. I need Jack to recuperate; time with Penny is something he both craves and needs, and the story wouldn't really work if Caitlin was re-introduced when he's already so broken - he would simply capitulate at her merest whim, and that would be that. Essentially, this is the 'we can rebuild him' montage, in real-time, which Caitlin/drama-lovers may find boring, but Penny/gentle-lovers will find appealing.
The vague awkwardness is super deliberate btw. It's my fetish (I'm joking).