Reviewer: Frizzle Signed
December 17 2017
Chapter 1: Like Glass
Let me start off, by saying you have some great vocabulary use and I think you have a load of potential!
Now then... I have a lot to cover here.
1. I found myself totally lost for the first half of this story. First I hear the name Wesley, then I hear Meenah mention a son, but never did you connect the two as one until the end of the story. I sorta figured anyways... but still, you gotta connect the dots for your readers ;)
2. If I had a penny for every time I read the name Willow or Meenah, I'd be rich. You overuse their names in areas that were totally unnecessary. After a characters name has been mentioned, particularly in one paragraph, it's safe to say that the reader can easily determine who which character is talking or acting within the writing. Of course you have to repeat the names here and there to show who is taking the spotlight, but not literally every time said person starts to talk or act right after they already did said 'thing'.
3. A lot of your sentences were written in a confusing manner, a lot. In some areas I found it hard to keep up with how fast the story was progressing. A perfect example is the transition from vaginal play, to oral play. The transition was so quick, that I actually didn't even realized Meenah had been placed in Willow's mouth till after an entire paragraph. I had to go back and re read two paragraphs to try and comprehend what even happened. I'd just say a simple solution is to draw out each act a little further, and add more explanation as to what is happening piece by piece.
4. "everything in the stomach was reduced to a much more manageable slurry" Slurry's definition doesn't fit this description, and I think 'mush' may have been a better fit.
On another note... I was super pleased when I read "where villi drained it of any and all nutrients" because I've never seen ANY vore story that has gone into great detail of the anatomy of the stomach and the small intestine such as you have!
I know it seems like I criticized your entire story... but don't let that give you the wrong impression. I sincerely enjoyed this read, and simply want to see your next piece of work come out twice as good! With your vocabulary and writing style, I'll without a doubt be keeping an eye out for your next work!
Bravo! 10/10 fo sho