This is not a tv show or movie. You have to stop writing as if it is. You can't have a corny song in a text only format, because there is no way to make it work.

Awful cheesy music numbers can be endearing on television and in movies because they have the visuals and music to carry them. You don't have that luxury, and the whole thing just comes off as a poorly thought out mess.

If you are content with always getting bad responses then I can't stop you from doing the same thing over and over again. But if you want to improve your writing you need to actually put some effort into writing short stories. Not writing as if you were imaging a movie, but writing with the intention of using the verbal medium. You write short stories as if they were tv shows, you don't proofread, and it comes out weird and hard to ingest. The content even takes a backseat to how poorly formatted it is. learn the conventions, learn grammar, and stop writing as if it were a script for a show.

I need to repeat that again: you need to stop writing as if it were a television show or a movie. It just doesn't work as a short story on the internet.

Look up writing excersizes. Write more than one draft. Here is an excellent resource on basic writing convention: http://www.ttms.org/writing_quality/writing_quality.htm . read through all of it.

Once you get a better grasp on how to write properly, I promise you you will get less scathing negative reviews.