Of course, no one in their right mind would expect Peter to come up with some brilliant scheme in less than thirty seconds. Fortunately, Lois seemed to have that covered. "Uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh," she said while on her cell phone. "Got it, we'll see what we can do, bye." She hung up and turned to Peter. "Peter, there's some good news. The doctors and engineers at the hospital think the colonoscope is finally ready. If we could somehow get Meg to relax and agree to...."
"Oh please, woman! Face it, those simpletons were about twenty hours too late! Do you honestly believe there's any reasoning with that psychotic ogress now!?" said Stewie vociferously. He was sitting in the back seat, between Neil and Chris. "It'd be easier trying to get Britney Spears...no, wait, I can't go there. Too easy."
"Hold on, Stewie!" said Brian, leaning over the back seat. "Can't you just use one of those tranquilizers again? That would put her to sleep long enough!"
Stewie's mocking tone gave way to one of awkwardness. "Um, well, about that, you see...I only had three of those, and...I used the other two already."
"Oh great!" exclaimed Brian. "What the hell for!?"
Stewie drove a jeep at top speed down a worn jungle path, with an injured Jeff Goldblum in the back, who was repeatedly mumbling, "Must go faster, must go faster." And with good reason, for they were being chased by a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And perhaps unsurprisingly, this T-Rex was yet another memorable monster from cinema who had a voice like Bruce the gay hynotherapist.
"Y'know what, I'm gonna eat y'all," said the T-Rex, its head coming dangerously close to the back of the jeep. "Hmmm, I think I'll eat this guy first. Bite off one of them hairy legs. Then bite off the other one too...."
"Ah shaddap!" yelled Stewie in the manner of Slyvester, pulling out his tranquilizer gun. He shot a dart into the T-Rex's open mouth, and it instantly collapsed in a heap.
Stewie brought the jeep to a screeching halt. Jeff Goldblum looked back at the snoozing T-Rex. "Well, that was...." he began, but then Stewie's last dart plunged into his neck, and he too dropped.
"That was for starring in Cats & Dogs!" shouted Stewie hatefully. "Dear God, that movie was the biggest piece of *BLEEEP* I ever saw!!"
"Don't worry, Brian. Dr. Hartman says they can just use all the sedatives they've got at the hospital," said Lois. "Now, I have no idea how they plan to administer them, but Dr. Hartman said we should just worry about finding a way to get Meg there."
"And, uh, how the hell are we supposed to do that?" asked Peter.
"Two words, Fat Man: live bait," snapped Stewie.
"Unfortunately, Stewie's right," said Brian. "And whatever we do, we better do it soon. You heard Ms. Takanawa...the president's liable to order an air strike if this keeps up."
"But where is she? You'd figure she wouldn't be THAT hard to find!" said Lois. "Hold on, lemme turn on the radio. Maybe they'll mention where...PETER, LOOK OUT!!!" Peter looked ahead to see a water tower, ripped clean off of some building, come crashing down onto the street. It burst open as it struck the street, unleashing a tremendous wave of water that rushed down the street, sweeping up everything as it rushed past, including their station wagon. The wagon only stopped when it slammed into the side of another building. "Never mind. I think we're close," Lois finished dejectedly.
"Damn, it's gonna take forever to buff all that out!" said Peter. He turned the keys to restart the engine, but nothing happened. "Come on, come on...."
"Give it a minute, Peter. It should...." But Brian's voice trailed off as booming tremors made the street quake, jostling them all. "Never mind, we obviously don't HAVE a minute...."
They all looked around nervously, trying to determine which direction the tremors were coming from, but they seemed to come from everywhere, resonating all around them. Finally, they saw Meg's titanic form step out from between two buildings. One look at her face - the clenched teeth, the maniacal look in her eyes - made it all too clear nothing had changed over the last few hours. Meg was still hellbent on causing at much death and destruction as she could before finally finding Connie.
"WHERE ARE YOU, CONNIE!!? COME OUT AND FACE ME, YOU LITTLE COWARD!!" Meg bellowed, looking down carefully at the street below her; luckily, she had yet to notice her family's wagon at the very end of it. She walked down the street, idly kicking aside cars that had been caught up in the torrentous wave. "ON SECOND THOUGHT, DO TAKE YOUR TIME CONNIE!! I'M HAVING TOO MUCH FUN TRYING TO FLUSH YOU OUT!!" And with that, she took a more aggressive approach. She brought up one leg and launched a kick right into an apartment building; her leg effortlessly tore through it, and it collapsed almost instantly. Then she turned around and launched an uppercut into another building, tearing away almost half of the wall and causing broken glass and bricks to rain down on the street below. And the look on her face, it was one of pure exultation! Once again, it was all too obvious the rage she had kept bottled up all her life had finally warped her mind. She wouldn't be happy until Quahog was in ruins.
"Oh my God, we gotta stop her before she wrecks the whole town! Peter, get the car started!" Lois cried anxiously, no doubt fearing that Meg would spot them any second now. However, something else had caught Meg's eye. A wicked grin crossed her face, then she noisily lumbered out of sight. Fortunately, Peter had gotten the car started again, and sped off after Meg.
After rounding a corner, they saw Meg approaching the local bottling plant. The plant's workers fled in a panic as Meg stomped across the parking lot, flattening more cars underneath her bare feet. Once she reached the plant, she wasted no time tearing down the walls and ripping off the roof. Once that was done, Meg reached in and pulled out a large vat. Just as she had done at the brewery, she emptied the vat's contents right into her mouth. Hundreds of gallons of soda were being guzzled down in mere seconds. "What's she doing now, trying to get a sugar high too!?" Stewie asked sarcastically.
But Peter noticed the way she was purposefully gulping down lots of air as she guzzled down all the soda. Being someone who had elevated atrocious table manners into an art form, Peter knew exactly what Meg was trying to do. "Everyone, I humbly suggest covering thine ears," he said, then stuck his fingers in his own ears and braced for the inevitable.
The rest of them stared at Peter blankly, wondering what Peter was talking about. They learned soon enough. After finally sucking down every last drop of soda in the vat, Meg threw it aside and reared her head back. When she flung her head forward, she opened her mouth and cut loose with a thunderously loud, ridiculously long belch. Meg belched so loudly, the entire ground quaked, far worse than when she stomped through the streets. Everyone else in the wagon and all the fleeing workers screamed in agony and clasped their hands over their ears. All the buildings on the blocks trembled with a frighful intensity, and not only that, the sonic vibrations shattered just about every window within a five-block radius. A cacophony of shattering glass and car alarms mixed with Meg's belch.
Finally, Meg's burping ceased. Peter looked out the front of his car, now devoid of a windshield, to see Meg still standing over the plant triumphantly. "Excuse me," she said with a smile, an air of mock courtesy about her.
Slowly but surely, everyone else in the car recovered, the ringing in their ears finally dying down. "P-Peter, let's g-get m-moving," stammered Lois. "We need to lure her to the hospital, w-we have to get her to chase us," she continued, though from the tone of her voice it was evident she wasn't too thrilled about the plan.
Peter simply nodded and drove forward into the plant's parking lot, where Meg was kicking around the cars she hadn't trampled earlier. After swerving to avoid a couple of cars flung his way, Peter finally drove the wagon close enough for Meg to notice them. Eventually, Meg noticed the station wagon approach her. Everyone in the car watched with apprehension as Meg's gaze slowly drifted down toward them. Her icy glare fixed down on them, and for several seconds she regarded them carefully, as if trying to decide something.
"What's going on? She's not taking the bait," said Brian impatiently. "Come on, we've got to do something to piss Meg off so...."
Brian stopped when he heard Neil say, "Oh my darling, my awesomely beautiful engine of destruction." Brian turned to see Neil leaning out the window, digital camcorder in hand.
"Never mind. That should do just fine," said Brian flatly.
Brian's words proved prophetic, for at that moment Meg leaned forward, trying to plant her bare foot on the wagon. Peter quickly went into reverse, avoiding her foot at the last possible second. He then did a quick 180 turn and barreled away from what remained of the bottling plant. Peter kept his eyes on the road as he sped forward at over a hundred miles per hour, but the thunderous tremors going off behind them let him know Meg was hot on their tail.
Peter maneuvered at best he could, swerving wildly to avoid crashing into other cars. However, Meg simply ran forward, not caring whether she stepped on any other cars as she pursued her family. And of course, all the while, Neil kept filming Meg as she chased them.
"Keep it up, Peter! The hospital's just another mile or two away!" cried Lois, screaming with an anxious vehemence they all shared. However, after a while, they became aware of how Meg's booming footfalls were fading away.
After a few seconds, Peter risked a quick glance behind them, seeing Meg was no longer in pursuit. "What in the hell!? Where'd she...."
"PETER, WATCH OUT!!!" Lois shrieked. Peter quickly looked back ahead to see that Meg had somehow gotten in FRONT of them, with one foot resting on its ball. Peter had no time to slow down or change direction before the wagon crashed right underneath Meg's bare foot. Just as everyone started to get over the shock of the crash, Meg began to press down with her foot. Everyone screamed as they ducked down, the car slowly being crushed with them still in it....
Suddenly, though, it stopped. Peter peered out warily, seeing Meg's hand reaching down for the wrecked wagon. She brought it up to her face, glaring at all of them icily. "You know, I was going to kill you all now," she said in a frosty, steely tone. "But no, I think I'll wait until I find Connie. I'll save ALL of you for last, after I've had my fun flattening Quahog." She carelessly dropped the wagon on a nearby rooftop, jostling them all violently. Meg looked down at them again, a nasty look in her eyes. "Now, where should I put you until...."
All of a sudden, Meg let out a cry of surprise, which mingled with the sound of machine gun fire. She spun around while rubbing her back, seeing two more police helicopters zeroing in on her.
Forced to deal with more pressing concerns, Meg dived out of the way just as the helicopters opened fire again. As he looked around, she spotted a construction site nearby, and the equipment in it....
Meg smiled wickedly again, making a break for the construction site. The helicopters followed, but kept just out of arm's reach as they kept up their barrage. The bullets hurt, but couldn't do Meg any serious harm. They were merely a nuisance, one she would take great pleasure in getting rid of.
She reached over into the construction site and grabbed the crane left in it...one with a wrecking ball. She brandished it like a ball and chain, glaring back at the pilots. Once they figured out what Meg was planning, it was too late. Meg swung the wrecking ball forward and it smashed into one helicopter just as the other flew backwards. Flaming wreckage tumbled to the streets below as Meg stepped forward, taking another swing that took out the other helicopter.
Meg had little time to revel in her victory, however. She heard several engines approaching. Glancing over her shoulder, Meg saw several police cars and S.W.A.T. vans closing in. Meg took a good look around her, trying to decide where it was best to make her stand. As she looked around, an idea came to her. She smiled as she turned and walked down another street, knowing the cops would follow her....
Joe Swanson led the brigade sent out to deal with the insane, towering teenager. Like everyone else, he was surprised how a quiet girl like Meg could simply explode with homicidal rage. Guess it just went to show that eventually, those pushed too far will always push back. Unfortunately for Quahog, Meg was pushing back at a time when she had the strength to topple buildings like dominoes.
"Ya think we have enough firepower to take her down this time?" asked Joe's partner, the anxiety in his voice palpable.
"Let's just hope we can keep Meg busy until the tanks can close in, and then hopefully that'll be enough to take her out," said Joe tonelessly as he rounded the corner and drove after Meg.
"It's just doesn't feel right, using all this artillery against a poor, tortured girl, and...wait a second, she's just standing there, about a thousand feet ahead," said his partner. "I don't like this...she's got the sun to her back! Isn't that an old military trick?"
Joe looked ahead, wondering what Meg was up to. Indeed, the sun was behind Meg, but he didn't see how that could help Meg. Even with the sun's glare, Meg was an easy target. Joe got his answer when Meg took off her glasses and held them over her head. When she held them at just the right angle....
A blazing beam of focused sunlight shot out through the lens of her glasses, aimed at the oncoming brigade of cops. The beam cut a swath across the street, leaving a trail of billowing flame across the asphalt and destroying any vehicle caught in its path. Less than half of the cars and vans sent after Meg managed to evade the deadly laser, clinging to the sides of the road in a desperate attempt to sty out of its reach. Once they got close enough, safely out of the laser's trajectory, the officers quickly got out of their cars and assembled, readying their missile launchers and rocket-propelled grenades.
Meanwhile, the Griffins were slowly recovering from the shock of the crash. Brian, Stewie and Neil had gotten out first, and of course, Neil was zooming in on the carnage with the camera. "Oh my dearest, once again your brilliance shines through as you dream up such brilliant ways to unleash your ultra-sexy rage," he said.
Stewie sighed and shook his head. "Ugh, there's no way we'll lure Meg to that hospital. It's obvious we'll have to get that crystal out of her big fat ass some other way, and I know just how to do it. I'm not sure if all the repairs are complete, but...."
Brian saw Stewie press a button on his watch. Several seconds passed, but nothing happened. Brian kept watching and waiting for something spectacular so intently, that he scarcely was aware of what sounded like a mosquito zipping past him. Whatever it was, it landed by Stewie, and to Brian's surprise, it suddenly expanded into his personal flying craft. "So, it's...working again?" Brian asked awkwardly.
"Yes, no thanks to you," snapped Stewie.
The mosquito-sized craft landed on the table, a few feet away from Lois. Stewie glared out the cockpit window, up at the towering form of his mother. "Oh yes, I think I'll have a bite to eat, Lois," he said evilly. "And once you get a taste of this toxin I've cooked up, you'll...."
But unfortunately for Stewie, Brian was seated at the table as well, leisurely reading the morning paper. And evidently, he was well aware of Stewie's scheme, for he brought the tip of his thumb down onto Stewie's miniaturized craft without looking up from his paper, practically flattening it.
"Ahh, you impertinent, ass-dragging...." Stewie began, but Brian added insult to injury by 'accidently' spilling his mug of coffee on the table. Stewie's string of profanities were choked off as a boiling sea of coffee washed over him.
Wasting no more time on words, Stewie boarded his craft and promptly miniaturized it back to the size of a mosquito. It flew toward Meg at top speed. Stewie had to fight back a twinge of apprehension, now that his crazed sister now looked even more impossibly, freakishly gigantic than ever before.
He waited for the right opportunity, and when Meg finally opened her mouth, laughing in triumph, Stewie jammed the stick forward and flew right into her cavernous maw. He soared past teeth the size of mountains, over a tongue bigger than Long Island, then dove down and descended into Meg's throat.
Unsurprisingly, Meg was completely oblivious to Stewie's intrusion, being too busy dealing with the cops that had survived. They unleashed everything they had, firing dozens of missiles and rocket-propelled grenades at her. This time, so many came at her at once, Meg couldn't advance, being forced to cross her arms in front of her in a vain attempt to defend herself. Their weapons left painful burns and some even penetrated her skin. Globs of thick, hot blood splattered all over the street.
Unfortunately, the cops eventually had to reload. As soon as Meg sensed a lull in their barrage, she charged forward with a guttural battle cry. Ignoring the pain from the few missiles and grenades still coming at her, she ran at them and, just like at city hall, dispersed them all with one sweep of her foot. The lucky ones merely had half the bones in their bodies broken.
But no sooner did she rid herself of one threat before another immediately reared its head. Meg heard tanks approaching from behind her. She whirled around, seeing five tanks drawing near. Whoever was operating them wasted no time with warnings...or rather, their warning came in the form of a single shot. The blast was aimed squarely at Meg's stomach....
And the shell merely sunk into her belly, then bounced off as if it were made of rubber.
An awkward silence fell over the street. Meg glared at the tanks, then down at the shell lying on the road, then back at the tanks. "OK, so I AM a little chubby! Bite me!"
The tank commanders opted to keep firing instead, this time aiming for areas like Meg's knees, arms and face. However, Meg didn't obligingly say still for them. A split second before the shells would have hit her, Meg ducked down another street. Since the tanks weren't as mobile as the helicopters and the S.W.A.T. vans, she could simply come around and....
Once it dawned on the tank commanders what Meg had in mind, it was too late. Meg emerged from a building behind them just as the tanks turned their turrets around. But before they could fire, Meg reached for the first one. She hoisted it up effortlessly, lifting it over her head, then with a furious scream hurled it through a building.
By now, Peter and the others had recovered, managing to pry their way loose from their compacted wagon. And as usual, the fact that Stewie was inexplicibly missing didn't seem to register in Peter and Lois's minds. Of course, since they were helplessly watching Meg's reign of terror, perhaps it was understandable.
"Oh my poor baby...the mayor's throwing everything in Quahog at her!" Lois exclaimed, on the verge of tears.
"True, though I think he should be more worried about the cops than Meg," said Peter, watching as Meg took out another tank by stomping on it.
"We've got to try luring her to the hospital again. She's injured, tiring...if we can find another car, next time we should be able to keep ahead of her," said Brian. "But you heard what she said, she wants to save us for last. Somehow I doubt she'll obligingly follow us again...."
"Then perhaps all we need is to provide an extra incentive," said Neil, who was STILL filming Meg's wrathful rampage.
"What do you mean?" asked Lois.
"Isn't it obvious? Her primary target in all this has been Connie D'Amico. If she thinks we've got her, she'd follow us into the depths of Hell itself," replied Neil.
"But there's no telling what rock that worthless skank has crawled under!" snapped Brian. "It'd take too long to find her!"
"Ah, but I said, 'If she THINKS we've got her,'" repeated Neil. "If we find someone who resembles her, that should be enough. From Meg's perspective, she probably can't tell the difference between a lookalike and the real thing."
Brian pondered it for a moment. "Well, it's not like we've got a better plan. So let's do it before the president gives the Air Force the green light...."
Meanwhile, Stewie was busily navigating Meg's bloodstream, making his way to Meg's ass. Or at least, he was trying to. At the moment, he was hopelessly lost.
"Oh bloody hell! This is far harder than navigating the Fat Man's body. Completely different physiology, radically different scale. Argh, I have no *BLEEEP*ing clue where I'm going!" exclaimed Stewie dejectedly. Desperate to figute out just where he was, he activated his sensors, trying to get a bead on his surroundings.
"Hmmm, there seems to be an enormous amount of calcium ions close by. Odd, I don't detect many of the other minerals found in bone tissue. I don't seem to be near any dense regions of nerve tissue either. Just where the hell...." Suddenly, it dawned on Stewie. "OH, DAMN IT ALL TO BLOOD-SUCKING PUS-SPEWING HELL!!" he screamed, revulsion overwhelming him. So shocked was he by the realization, he lost his concentration and his craft crashed into the side of the blood vessel....
Meg had finally disposed of the last tank, lifting it over her head and ripping it in half. She stared at the halves of the tank for a moment, recalling that she once OWNED a tank...because of how her retarded father inisted on using her car money for that instead of the one she wanted. She let out another cry of fury, ready to toss the tank's remains through another building.
It was then that Meg became aware of a strange itch in her right nipple. So instead, she simply let the halves of the tank drop to the street and promptly scratched the itch. Then, after rearranging herself, she stomped down the street again, ready to flatten more buildings.
Luckily, she took no notice of her family crowded around a sports car parked along the street. Lois was busy trying to hotwire the car, while Brian looked around impatiently, waiting for Peter and Chris to come back. And of course, Neil was still dutifully filming Meg's every move as she stomped down the street.
"Oh, this isn't going to work!" spat Brian. "Anyone with half a brain is always miles away from here! What're the odds of finding anyone that even remotely looks like Connie!?"
"Are ye of little faith?" came Peter's voice from behind him. Brian turned around, and his jaw dropped when he saw that Peter and Chris really HAD found someone who resembled Connie. She was barely conscious and tied up, but when Brian recognized exactly who she was....
"Peter, where the hell did you find her!?" Brian demanded. "Has Fox News started broadcasting out of Quahog or something!? This is Ann Coulter!"
Peter glanced over at Ann Coulter for a moment. "What, if you think Meg won't fall for...."
"No no no, it's not that at all," Brian said quickly. "She's blond, skinny, skanky-looking enough and bitchy enough. She's perfect. We couldn't ask for a better lookalike."
It looked as if their conversation was starting to rouse Coulter. Once Brian noticed this, he took a crow bar out of the car and promptly whacked Coulter upside the head with it, knocking her out again. "Releasing a little pent-up liberal rage, Brian?" asked Lois.
"Of course," Brian replied simply. He raised the crow bar, as if offering it to Lois. "Care to join me?"
"Love to," said Lois, grabbing the crow bar and landing a crushing blow of her own.
Now that Meg had eliminated the immediate opposition, she was free to go back to wreaking havoc with impunity. And wreak havoc she did, going down the street and slamming her fists and her feet through just about every building she came across. Tons of debris rained down and scattered across the street, making things much more difficult for the masses fleeing Meg's rampage. Among them was about a dozen cowardly Covenant Grunts, screaming things like "Noo-hooo-hooo!!" and "We're all gonna die!!" Also among those running for dear life was Miley Cyrus; of course, in her case, it had more to do with the wolverine that had chased her clear across the east coast.
However, after a few minutes of uninterrupted mayhem, another threat reared its head. "Alright Meg, enough is enough!" came Joe Swanson's blaring voice, obviously coming through a megaphone. Meg looked over her shoulder to see the police captain in the middle of the street among the wreckage. "You've got one last chance to stand down, or we use our trump card."
Meg narrowed her eyes as she looked down at Joe, smiling evilly at him. "Oh realllllly," she drawled. "And what might that be?" From the tone of her voice, it was all too obvious there was no way she'd back down now.
Joe Swanson let out a regretful sigh. "I'm sorry it had to come to this Meg, but you've left us no choice. Everyone, FORM THE CRIPPLETRON!!!"
Suddenly, dozens - perhaps hundreds - of handicapped people in wheelchairs came out of nowhere, zooming toward Joe. Meg gasped in astonishment as they piled up on top of each other, slowly assembling what resembled a giant robot, eventually reaching a height of about sixty feet. That was still much shorter than Meg's height, but still big enough to do some serious damage.
When Joe finally took his place at the top, he took advantage of Meg's momentary shock and the CrippleTron lunged forward, delivering a devastating punch to her midsection. The blow knocked her back and she landed flat on her ass, causing the pavement beneath her to crack and buckle under her weight. The CrippleTron charged forward, but Meg lashed out with a kick, sweeping it off its feet.
Within seconds Meg was back on her feet, rushing toward the downed CrippleTron. The CrippleTron tried to defend itself with a kick as Meg had done, but Meg simply grabbed the incoming foot and swung the CrippleTron around. Meg slammed it into the side of a building, and once it was down again, Meg grabbed hold of the whole unit and lifted it over her head. She glared up at Joe. "Y'know, I'm glad you tried something like this. It gives me a perfect excuse to squash you! I've overheard all your little jokes, saying it was no wonder your son never noticed me, how...."
Another voice coming from a megaphone cut Meg off. Her father's voice. "Forget about Joe, Meg! We've got something even better for ya!!" Meg looked down toward the voice. A fast-looking sports car was right behind her, with someone tied to the roof. Some skinny woman with blond hair....
Her blood rising to a boil, Meg roared as she tossed the CrippleTron aside, having lost all interest in Joe. Everyone she was REALLY after were all together! She reached down for the car, but it immediately sped off, and Meg ran after them, determined to catch them. There was no way she'd let them all escape again....
Being tied to the roof of a car going at well over a hundred miles per hour, with the sound of Meg's booming footfalls resonating all around, it wasn't long before Ann Coulter awoke. At first, she wondered where she was, why she was tied down...then she looked up at the enraged, homicidal giantess chasing them, and reacted the same way most anyone would....
"AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!"
"Well, sounds like our stand-in's awake!" Lois shouted over Coulter's screams of terror.
"Ahh, don't worry about her. She probably gets hundreds of death threats and 'suspicious packages' every day, gets pranked mercilessly at every college campus she visits. She'll get over this...eventually," said Brian nonchalantly.
"Anyway, it looks like you were right. She's having trouble keeping up this time. Just a few more minutes, and we'll be at the hospital," said Lois hopefully.
For a while, everything did look hopeful. Their jacked car easily kept ahead of a tiring, wounded Meg, and it looked like she had no clue that she was being lured into a trap. Soon, they had led Meg to the outskirts of the downtown area. "OK, we're out of the downtown area, we just passed the power plant...another minute or so and we'll be at the hospital!" cried Brian, echoing Lois's hopefulness.
Unfortunately, those hopes were soon dashed. As they rounded a corner, an exhausted Meg slipped and fell. She slid along the ground, skidding to a halt with her face next to a gas station.
And at that gas station was a truck with a bunch of teenagers crowded around it...and refueling that truck was the REAL Connie D'Amico!
Neil, who STILL had the camera zoomed in on Meg, was the first to notice this. "Uh, people, please tell me one of you has a Plan B...."
For a moment, Meg simply stared at Connie, who likewise stared back with a look of utter shock and horror. Meg looked back at the car she had been chasing, which had come to a halt. She could still still that blond woman tied to the top. She looked back at the gas station, seeing that THIS Connie had just driven off in her truck and left her friends behind.
Meg slammed her fists into the ground, making the ground quake. Only the real Connie D'Amico would be cowardly enough to ditch her friends like that! She had been tricked! Well, her family could wait. She'd go after them once she caught the conniving bitch that tried to kill her!
Meg rose and sprinted after the truck, which was heading back the way she had come. Luckily, it couldn't accelerate as quickly as that jacked sports car. She lashed out with a kick, nicking the side of it. She hoped to make it careen out of control. Her plan worked, and Connie's truck crashed through a gate surrounding some sort of tool shop, then smashed through the shop's garage.
It was at this moment that Connie D'Amico learned the true definition of the word 'fear'. Driven forward by pure, desperate fear, Connie dragged herself out of the driver's seat, every muscle in her body aching. She clutched at her chest as searing pain cut through it; she had probably broken a rib or two after slamming into the steering wheel.
But when she heard Meg cry out again, it was more than enough motivation to keep going. "YOU'VE GOT FIVE SECONDS TO SHOW YOURSELF, YOU WORTHLESS LITTLE WHORE, OR I MAY JUST BRING THAT WHOLE SHOP DOWN ON YOUR HEAD!!"
Once again, Connie realized that she had finally pushed her luck too far with Meg. She looked around frantically, trying to find a way out, a place to hide, ANYTHING. There indeed was a back door, and on a shelf next to the back door was a nail gun. She knew it was probably futile, but she grabbed it, turned it on, and loaded it.
No sooner than was the nail gun ready did Meg rip the roof clean off the garage. Meg glared down at Connie, her eyes blazing with seething hatred. Out of sheer desperation, Connie aimed the nail gun up at Meg and fired at will.
However, all the nails merely ricocheted harmlessly off the lenses of Meg's glasses. Meg laughed hysterically, genuinely amused by Connie's pathetic, desperate attack. "Silly bitch, your weapon cannot harm me," she said calmly and mockingly.
For a fleeting moment, Connie's disgust with Meg won over her fear. "Ugh, you're quoting the 'I'm The Juggernaut Bitch!' videos!? How much lamer can you possibly get, Meg!?"
With another roar of fury, Meg reached down into the garage. Connie brought up the nail gun again, but Meg had moved too swiftly. With a flick of her finger, she knocked Connie's nail gun away, then grasped her between her fingers.
Meg laughed as Connie screamed and struggled fruitlessly in her grip. At long last, she could put her arch-rival in her place, the murderous little bitch most responsible for making her high school years a living hell. Until now, she had lacked the will to try, too timid to strike back, perhaps because part of her still held onto the foolish, vain hope of being welcomed into her clique, to be accepted by the 'in-crowd' at last. But Connie's ploy last night changed everything....
Meg slowly brought Connie up to face, sinckering evilly as she watched the tiny woman vainly try to free herself, relishing the look of sheer terror in her eyes. She had every reason to be afraid, considering what was in store.
"You know, Connie, in a strange way, I actually owe you. You finally helped me realize something," Meg said frostily to the woman squirming in her grip, every word dripping with venomous malice. "Until yesterday, I always kept hoping against hope that somehow, things would change for me. That people would somehow learn to accept me. But last night, not only did I learn that stuck-up little bigots like you will never change and even stoop to murder, but that I can't even count on family anymore. Or anyone else in Quahog, not if they CHEERED when I went into anaphylactic shock. I saved so many people, and they still saw me as nothing but a hideous freak, just like they always did! Well now, thanks to you, I've seen the light. Now I see there's no reason to not give even worse than I get!"
Meg let Connie dangle in her grip a little longer, to let her wonder just what horrors she had in store for her. It would just make her that much more terrified. "Hmm, what to do first, what to do...." she muttered absent-mindedly. With that, she tossed Connie up in the air. Connie came back down, screaming, and landed in the palm of Meg's hand, only to be tossed back up again and again.
"Sorry it's taking so long to decide, Connie," said Meg as she repeatedly tossed Connie up and down. "It's just taking a while, mulling over all the things you've ever done, everythin insult you've ever hurled my way...." Suddenly, a smile crossed Meg's lips as she finally settled on one thing in particular.
Meg laughed hysterically as she dropped Connie into her cleavage, then crossed her arms over her chest. "Ah, I know! You always boasted about having a bigger rack than mine. Said my breasts were way too small," she said as she crossed her arms more tightly, smothering Connie even more. Then she grabbed her breasts and squeezed them together, practically entombing her in a prison of flesh. "So tell me, Connie, are they big enough now? You think they're big enough now?"
Deciding it was best to release Connie before she suffocated - it wouldn't do for her expire on her just yet - Meg fished her out of her cleavage and brought her back up to her face. "Now then, what should I...."
"Meg, for the love of all that's holy, STOP!!!!"
Meg looked down at the ground. Her family had finally caught up with them, and Lois was speaking through a megaphone. She glared at all of them exasperatedly. "Oh pipe down! I'll get to all of you soon enough!"
"No Meg, we're not going to run and hide anymore," said Lois. "One way or another, we're going to settle this now."
"OK then," said Meg aloofly. Then, in one swift motion, she snatched both Peter and Lois right off the ground and brought them up to her face as well. "You might as well see what's in store for Connie, 'cause you two are next. I haven't forgotten you had a part in what happened last night."
"Meg, why can't you realize that's what Connie WANTED you to think!?" Brian shouted through the megaphone Lois had dropped. "There's no question Connie's a callous, heartless little bitch-whore, Meg. So knowing that, don't you think she would've wanted you to die thinking everyone had backstabbed you!?"
As much as Meg hated to admit it, what Brian said made sense. Despite herself, doubt began to rear its head where there had once been only cold certainty. "I...I...." Meg began. She looked back at Connie, then back at her parents. "Well, can you blame me for believing her!? After the way I've been treated all these years...after being forced to star in softcore porn!?"
"And why did Peter do that!? To net you enough cash until you were restored to normal, and so you'd have enough money for college! I'm not saying what Peter did was right, but I understand WHY he did it," said Lois imploringly. "Yeah, your father makes some stupid decisions at times. But think about it Meg, don't Peter's worst screw-ups seem to happen because he tried his best to help you? What would be worse, a father who cares about you and fails miserably, or a father who doesn't love you at all?"
Meg shut her eyes tightly, fighting back tears as she recalled some of the dumbest things Peter did to screw up her life. But as much as she hated to admit it, Lois was right. Peter's most horrible screw-ups usually DID happen when he was only trying to do the right thing....
"And Meg, you have every right to hate Connie for what she did, for feeling alienated after almost everyone in town showed such distrust, but...does that give you the right to go on a rampage like this?" Lois went on. "If you go ahead and kill Connie, will that make you any better than her? And if you keep this up, do you think anyone will get over their fear? In time, you might convince them all you truly wanted was to be accepted, but keep this up, and all you'll do is prove them right."
Meg kept her eyes shut as more tears flowed. She wanted so badly to just tighten her fist and be rid of her parents forever, but part of her realized what Lois said made perfect sense....
"Meg, listen to me, I don't know what more I can do to get through to you, but...all I can do is hope you believe us when we say we love you and...and that you've just got to calm down!" Lois cried out empathetically. "But, if you're still convinced that everyone's out to get you, and that there's no hope of ever living in peace...in other words, if you just want to give up on what you really want in life, then just finish us now and be done with it."
"Uh, Lois, that was a beautiful speech and all, but...maybe it's not such a good idea to say she can just kill us and...." Lois shut Peter up by quickly slapping a hand over his mouth, then looked back up at Meg. Her eyes were still shut, her teeth gritted, the tears still pouring down her cheeks. Whereas everything seemed so certain moments ago, now she was more confused and distraught than ever. Finally she made a decision. Letting out one last furious shriek, she raised a fist, lifting Peter and Lois high into the sky.
"OH GOD, MEG!!! DON'T DO IT!!!" Brian pleaded. But there was nothing he could but stand there helplessly and watch....
Meg slammed her fist down hard onto the ground, creating yet another earth-shattering tremor. Then she slowly uncurled her fingers, releasing her parents, who, unsurprisingly, looked as if they were about to have heart attacks. Eventually, they got over their shock and looked up at their daughter, who was still crying uncontrollably. "Mom, Dad, I'm so sorry. I-I should've realized Connie was lying, should've seen it was all part of her plan," she sobbed.
For the briefest of moments, Meg's family dared to believe the crisis was over, that Meg had finally come to her senses. However, it soon dawned on them that Meg had yet to free Connie. "Wait a minute. Meg, you're not gonna let Connie go, are you?" Brian asked dryly.
In an instant, Meg's sorrowfulness melted away and was replaced by stony determination once again. "Nope," was all she said. Perhaps she had been wrong about her family, but Connie was a different story entirely! And she had finally decided on a fitting means of putting the little whore out of her misery. She flashed a smile of sadistic, playful glee, then tossed Connie high into the air, only to catch her again by her leg. She let the screaming blonde dangle dozens of feet above the ground for a moment, then lifted her above her head. Meg tilted her head back and opened her mouth wide. Everyone knew instantly what Meg had in mind....
"OH NO!! MEG, DON'T DO IT!! DON'T DO IT!!" Lois begged, screeching into the megaphone as loudly as she could.
Connie echoed her sentiments. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD!!! MEG, I'M SORRY I'M SORRY!! I SWEAR I'LL NEVER...."
But Meg ignored them both and let Connie drop into her open mouth. She torturously teased for a moment by knocking her around with her tongue. Then she finally shut her mouth....
And swallowed.
"NO!!!" screamed Lois and Brian as they watched the lump that was undoubtedly Connie travel down Meg's throat.
Meanwhile, Stewie had finally plotted a surefire course toward Meg's ass, deciding it was best to travel down along her spinal cord. And while being so close to an integral part of Meg's nervous system, Stewie's computer actually let him tap into it. He was privy of everything Meg saw, heard and said.
"Oh, this is just too rich!" Stewie cackled with glee. "Connie D'Amico, once the most popular high school student in Quahog, now nothing but the tiniest morsel for this oversized tub of lard. I trust you'll now think twice before blasting anyone about 'smallness.' Then again, in a minute or two you won't be thinking much of anything anymore!"
Stewie leaned back for a moment, trying to envision what Connie was going through at that very moment. "Hmmm, I wonder what'll kill the skank first...the lack of oxygen, the stomach acids, or being slammed into Meg's stomach walls at breakneck speed...."
But then, Stewie shook his head and sighed. "But alas, if I just sit by and let the bitch buy it, I'll never hear the end of it from that know-it-all dog. I'm going to regret this tomorrow, but...." With that, Stewie hit a button, causing his ship to send an electrical impulse up to Meg's brain.
Meg was smiling to herself and licking her lips, flush with victory after having triumphed over her nemesis at last. However, it didn't last long. All of a sudden, an overpowering impulse to vomit swept over Meg. Meg clasped her hands over her mouth, determined to keep it down and ensure Connie died a slow, agonizing death. A wave of dizziness washed over Meg and she stumbled forward, almost trampling her family. She rushed past an apartment building, accidently taking out some of the walls of the top floors with her elbow.
At last, the impulse to throw up won over her willpower. Meg hunched over and puked all over the side of the apartment building she had just stomped past, completely drenching it and filling the air with the acidic stench of vomit. And eventually, the quivering form of Connie D'Amico emerged from Meg's mouth and tumbled painfully to the street below.
At the moment, however, Meg felt too sick to care. She fell to her knees, her breath coming in short gasps and her heart racing. Connie pretty much did the same, gulping in air after being deprived of oxygen.
There was no telling how long Meg and Connie would've remained like that, recuperating from the shock of what had just happened. However, a new, unwelcome sound forced Meg to look behind her.
A squadron of Harrier jets was closing in.
Without warning, a missile streaked passed Meg, and she swerved her body just in time to avoid getting blasted. Meg forced herself to rise again, then took off in a blind panic, back toward the power plant she had ran past earlier.
"Oh no, the Air Force is closing in!" cried Brian with a sense of crushing hopelessness they all shared. Just when it looked like Meg could actually be reasoned with, the Air Force had been ordered to strike! Everyone took off after Meg, dreading whatever would happen next.
Meanwhile, Connie still sat in a gigantic pool of vomit, laughing hysterically to herself. "I'm alive! I'm alive!" she repeated over and over, unable to believe how lucky she was to have survived. Only a odd creaking sound from high above brought her back to her senses. Connie looked up to see the gaping hole Meg had left in the apartment building, exposing about four floors. And something was sliding off one of the floors....
"Oh...hell...." muttered Connie as whatever it was descended rapidly. A second later, a piano fell onto the pavement, crushing Connie underneath it. Then an anvil followed, smashing through the piano and embedding itself into the road. Finally, a ridiculously obese guy in a purple spandex suit fell down, completely smothering what was left of the piano. "No force on Earth can move the Blob!" he said stupidly.
The Harriers sped after Meg, and no matter how hard she tried to avoid them, they proved to be too fast to shake off. So it wasn't long before Meg went on the offensive, plucking parked cars off the road and chucking them at the jets. But unlike the helicopters, they were too fast and maneuverable, easily evading everything Meg threw at them and responded in kind.
Machine gun fire and missiles rained down all around Meg, the thunderous din deafening her. Meg covered her head with her arms, not sure what to do, paralyzed with fear. "NO NO!! STOP IT STOP IT!! I GIVE UP!!" she shouted. Her misguided desire for vengeance no longer meant anything. All she wanted was for it to end, for the Harriers to back off. But they kept up their assault and fired upon Meg again. She stumbled backwards, dangerously close to the power plant and the lines branching out from it. Suddenly, a stray missile struck near her feet, and the explosion made her lose her balance. She flailed her arms as she fell backward, vainly trying to regain her balance, but it was a futile effort....
And the only thing that broke her fall were the power lines.
Transformers blew out and a grizzly sizzling sound filled the air. But the sound of both were eclipsed by the blood-curdling shriek of agony that escaped Meg's lips as electric current shot through her, made only worse by the sweat and ocean salts on her skin. Meg's entire body writhed uncontrollably as she screamed, electrical energy arcing all over her body. However, after a few seconds, Meg's body finally went limp. Smoke and steam steadily rose from her unmoving body, barely suspended by the power lines.
By the time her family finally reached the power plant, they arrived only to find they were too late. They could only stare up in horror at Meg's still form. Her chest wasn't moving, and her head, lolled on its side...her eyes were empty, vacant, devoid of any sign of life....
"Oh no no no no no!" cried Lois, falling to her knees and sobbing. "I don't believe it...it can't end like this!!"
"Wait Mom, maybe she's OK. I heard that you're not really dead unless you...." Chris stopped when he took a big whiff of the air coming downwind. "Never mind," said Chris quickly.
Peter knelt beside Lois, trying to comfort his wfie, but of course it did no good. Neil likewise gave in to outright sobbing, finally throwing down the camera, overwhelmed by loss and grief.
"Damnit, it can't just end this way!" Brian exclaimed. "Hounded and tormented to the breaking point, and then just KILLED like this!? What kind of God would...."
"Don't go there, Snoopy, don't go there," replied a voice that, unfortunately, the Griffin family had become all too familiar with. Everyone turned to see Death himself stepping out of an old Volkswagon bug, which quickly transformed into Bumblebee. "Thanks for the lift BB," said Death, giving Bumblebee the thumbs-up before the Autobot lumbered off. "Alright then, you all obviously know why I'm here," Death said as he turned back to the Griffins.
"NO!! Death, you can't take Meg away yet!!" screamed Lois, pulling at Death's robes. "Connie pushed her to the breaking point! She's not responsible for...."
"Lady, please, let's not go through this again. I'm just doing my job," said Death aloofly. "Now then, all I gotta do is take the...." Death said as he looked around, but his words trailed off when he got a look at Meg's unfathomably mammoth body, barely suspended by power lines. "Body," Death finished flatly. "Oh man, and here I was worrying about how fat Michael Moore would get before some letter bomb finished him."
Deafening silence fell between all of them for a moment before Death spoke again. "Y'know, tell y'all what, I think I can let your family off the hook again." With that, Death pulled out a cell phone and quickly dialed a number. "'Yello. Death here. Yeah, a kinda need a favor. Uh-huh, it has to do with Meg Griffin." For another moment, there was crushing silence, until Death indignantly cried out, "OH COME ON!! I did you a HUGE favor by NOT ferreting away Dick Cheney's soul...THE LAST TEN TIMES HE WAS SUPPOSED TO DIE!!!"
Obviously, Death had been persuasive enough, for it looked as if some bright beam of light came down from the heavens, shining upon Meg. For a few excruciating moments, absolutely nothing happened. Then, all of a sudden, it looked as if some spark of life...SOMETHING had returned in Meg's eyes. And then everyone's heart leapt when Meg blinked.
The Griffins, Neil and Death watched anxiously as Meg slowly pried herself off the power lines. She stumbled forward, as if in a daze. Everyone yelped and instinctively jumped back, fearing she might topple on top of them.
Meanwhile, inside Stewie's craft, the infant genius grabbed onto the console, struggling to pull himself back into his seat. "That was a c-close one," Stewie said, shaken up b the near call. "Lucky I was still tapped into her nervous system and saw that coming. Was able to throw up the deflector shields in time."
Stewie seated himself again, seeing that the viewscreen was still online. "And here we are, right at the heart of darkness," said Stewie as he closely examined the viewscreen. Deep in Meg's rectum was the radioactive crystal shad responsible for this whole mess. It had not grown along with Meg's body, but to Stewie, it was the length of a Boeing 747. And there were several capillaries attached to it, as it the crystal had become a part of Meg's body. "Hmmm, this won't take too long," said Stewie as he powered up the cutting laser, severing the first capillary.
Peter and Lois looked up nervously at their daughter. The blank look in her eyes...it was impossible to tell what she was feeling, what she was thinking. Would she simply go on a rampage again, enraged all over again by the Harrier attack? Or would she finally see reason and calm down?
As it turned out, Meg did neither. All she did was let out one last explosive, economy-sized fart.
A fart which sent Stewie's mosquito-sized ship rocketing out of Meg's ass, and the crystal shard along with it. Stewie was able to regain control over his ship soon enough, but the shard rocketed far across the horizon, out of sight.
And then, to everyone's utter bewilderment, Meg's size slowly started to dwindle. The shrinking started off slowly, but soon it became more rapid. In less than a minute, Meg had shrank back to her normal size. And then she finally collapsed again, aching all over and utterly exhausted. Peter, Lois, Brian, Chris and Neil all rushed to her side, and Stewie skittered up from out of nowhere as well; naturally, his sudden reappearance didn't raise a single eyebrow.
Peter knelt down and carefully picked Meg up. "C'mon, let's get you home, kiddo," he said softly, his heart swelling with joy and relief. With that, they all began their long walk back home. "At last, it's all over," said Peter. "Everything's finally back to normal."
Well, for the most part. But there was one thing they'd forgotten: they had left Ann Coulter tied to the roof of their stolen car.
"Uhh, hello? Can someone give me a hand? Anyone?" Coulter asked tentatively, but naturally, no one was around to hear. In fact, even after several hours, the first living thing to take notice of her was the wolverine that had chased Miley Cyrus all the way from Washington D.C.. "Uhhh, good doggie, nice doggie. Think you can go and...."
But Coulter fell silent when the wolverine raised one of its hind legs. "Oh dear God no.... Oh you little...AHHH MOTHERF*BLEEEP*ER!!!!!"