Disclaimer: The Metal Gear series and all related characters are the creation of the gaming genius Hideo Kojima and the property of Konami.

This is a story that was originally completed on 9-30-2007, and I'm now adding to this archive.

"Uh, yeah, I do. And this one's going to be a lot different," Otacon said tentatively.

"Any differences between them don't really matter when all these scenarios involve Godzilla-sized women that have it out for us," Snake shot back.

"Well, for starters, why don't you look up?" Otacon suggested.

Since his vision had finally come back into focus, he did just that. And the sight that greeted him made him sick to his stomach. Looming high above him was what looked like a gigantic flower. A quick glance around him revealed that they were surrounded by dozen of gigantic flowers. "Damnit Otacon, not again!!" Snake shouted. Needless to say, that little voice in his head that kept saying Must kill Otacon suddenly got a helluva lot louder.

"Keep it down!" Otacon hissed. "Yeah, we're about an inch tall again, and in the middle of a flower garden, and I don't think I need to remind you that if the giantess in question finds us, it's game over!"

"And who is it THIS time?" Snake demanded. He couldn't think of any other women from his previous missions that Otacon hadn't used yet. Except perhaps.... "Oh God, Otacon, I swear, if it's Naomi Hunter, I'll...." Snake began, but the sound that he'd become all too familiar with - the booming footfalls of an approaching titanic, psychotic girl - shut him up pronto.

"Hide. Now," was all Otacon said, pulling Snake down to the ground and using a fallen leaf to conceal them. The thunderous footsteps got louder and louder, and soon, Snake could feel the loose dirt jiggling underneath him. And judging from the shiver going down his spine, Snake knew that whoever she was, she was right on top of them. A booming thud right next to them simply confirmed it. Steeling himself, Snake peeked out from under the leaf and looked up.

An undeniably cute, black-haired girl with glasses towered high above them, seemingly over a hundred feet above them, even though she was on her knees...a fact that made Snake queasy all over again. One knee had come down dangerously close to their leaf, making Snake shudder. Whoever this girl was, she wore a pair of black shorts and a red T-shirt, and had some of her hair done up in a bun with a pencil through it. Snake noticed the sad smile on her face as she tended to some of the flowers, her hands coming periliously close to them at one point. "OK, just who is that?" Snake asked as he crawled back under the leaf. "Some ex-girlfriend of yours?"

"Uh, not exactly," said Otacon weakly. "She's my...stepsister. Emma Emmerich," he finally admitted.

Snake stared at him. "Your stepsister!?"

"Yeah, during the time we lived together we were very close, but...I haven't seen her in almost ten years. I had to do some digging to find out what she looks like now...." Otacon explained, but Snake wasn't listening. Horrifying visions of some creepy, incestuous love affair had popped into his head; whatever the deal was with Otacon's stepsister, Snake felt he was better off not knowing.

Snake shook his head. "Otacon, just when I think you can't get any more demented," he said. He poked his head out again; sure enough, Emma was still looming over them as she tended the garden. "Look, I don't care what the deal with your stepsister is, just tell me what we need to do to get to the next program."

"OK, we have to take her down to," said Otacon matter-of-factly.

Snake felt the blood drain from his face as he looked back up at Emma. Sure, this girl was cute and had an air of gentleness...but so did the Mei Ling in this program, and she put them through the dance session from hell. And though she wasn't some neurotic huntress like Sniper Wolf, taking her down would hardly be any easier, especially without any Pokemon to help this time. I miss the rat already, he thought to himself. Aloud, he said, "And how the hell do I do that? I doubt I have enough stingers left to do the job."

"You're right, you don't. You'll need help again, and we have to go find it." At this point, Otacon had poked his head out too, and watched Emma warily as she finally turned her head away. "Now's our chance to move. Let's go." Snake needed no urging. He promptly threw off their leaf and bolted through the array of flowers, occasionally looking back to see if Emma had spotted them. Thankfully, whenever he caught a glimpse of her through the flowers overhead, she was still facing away from them. Oh, and no big question mark had appeared over her head. That's always a good sign.

Once Otacon felt they were far enough away, they both stopped. "Alright, you mentioned having to find help this time," Snake said after finally catching his breath. "Just who the hell is supposed to give us a hand against your stepsister?"

As if to answer his question, he heard grass rustling behind him. Snake instinctively drew the USP he picked up earlier and whirled around. From behind the blades of grass, several odd creatures even smaller than the two of them stared back. Whatever they were, their eyes were a solid coal-black and they had long, elfin ears. They wore pointed red caps and some sort of robes that looked as if they were made of grass blades and leaves. They timidly receded back among the plants, and Snake merely let them, too confused to really do anything. "Who the hell are they?" Snake asked, keeping his gun drawn.

"Uh, they're called the Minish. They're from one of the Zelda games," Otacon replied sheepishly.

Snake slapped his forehead. "Great, MORE crap from Nintendo games!? What next, we stumble upon a fire flower or something!?" he shouted exasperatedly. Or hopefully one of those magic mushrooms, PLEASE, he silently added.

"Uh, no, sorry. Good idea though," said Otacon regretfully. "No, actually, I got the idea for throwing them in this because, well, I thought Minish Cap was the biggest waste of potential for giantess action in a game EVER. I mean, it wouldn't've been too much to expect a secret level in Malon's panty drawer but noooo...."

"Otacon, you're about three seconds away from finding yourself in a chokehold," snapped Snake. "If you wanna talk about your unholy love of Godzilla-sized girls, do it with someone who cares. Just tell me what the deal is with those Minish things and how they're supposed to help!"

"Oh uh, sure, r-right," stammered Otacon, shaken by Snake's threat. "Well, the whole thing with the Minish is, well...I-I was planning on using something similar to that in another s-simulation. Basically, it's meant to train you to do something once done by your...father." It was obvious it took every ounce of courage to say that last word.

"What about Big Boss?" demanded Snake.

"I dug deep into the Pentagon's system, and found quite a bit of dirt. Turns out Big Boss was into the Metal Gear-busting business too," said Otacon. "And to do it, once he spent several months leading an insurrection in a rogue nation. The idea here is to do what Big Boss did then: procure allies on-site."

Snake stared blankly at Otacon once again. "So I have to recruit a bunch of microscopic Oompa-Loompas to do my dirty work?" he asked incredulously. "How?"

"Uh, capture them any way you can. Then try to coax them into joining your side," explained Otacon. "It shouldn't be too hard to convince them."

Snake was about to ask why, but some faint screams and Emma saying, "Don't be afraid, let's have some fun!" made him look up. Through the tops of flowers, Snake could see Emma juggling several Minish. He couldn't make out the Minish's faces, but he'd bet his bandana they had looks of sheer terror.

"OK, you're right about that," said Snake. "But I still don't see HOW they can help. These little turds don't look like they could mash a flea."

"Well, there are...weapons lying around to find. Like you said, 'more crap from Nintendo games', and I think I see one now," said Otacon. Snake turned to see what he was talking about, and saw Otacon walk up to a blue treasure chest that was lying among the flowers. They opened the lid, revealing what looked like a big vase with a pair of wing attached to the lip. "The...hell does this thing do?" Snake asked as he examined it curiously.

"Oh, that's the gust jar," explained Otacon. "Basically, it sucks in and blows out...." But as he was explaining, Snake accidently flipped a switch on of the handles, making it kick in and causing it to suck in air...and Otacon's face.

Otacon flailed his arms uselessly as Snake panicked, trying to pull the jar off of him, but it stuck to his face like glue. Finally, Snake tried looking for the switch he had hit before, and luckily for both of them he found it. Otacon was blasted back as the air rushed out of the jar. He quickly stood up and brushed himself off, perhaps oblivious to the fact that one of his eyeballs was pulled loose from its socket. "What?" asked Otacon when he noticed Snake's bemused stare.

"Nothing," Snake said quickly, dropping the gust jar. But this caused it to activate again, and an acorn was now stuck in the opening thanks to its sucking power. "Oh, damn," Snake muttered as he picked it up and hit the release switch. Unfortunately, he wasn't bothering to aim it and the acorn was launched high above the garden.

Exactly three seconds later, the resounding cry of "OWW!!!" shrilled in Snake and Otacon's ears, and for exactly three more seconds, they stood in place with blank looks of horror on their faces. Only the quaking ground and the muttering of "I think it came from over here," snapped them out of it.

"Let's MOVE!" cried Snake as he bolted forward and grabbed Otacon (and also taking the opportunity to unceremoniously shove Otacon's eyeball back in) . The quaking grew louder, and ever closer, and when Snake looked behind him, he saw Emma pushing back flowers, her huge face looking over them like a billboard.

At first, it didn't seem like Emma spotted them, but the appearance of a giant red exclamation point above her head proved otherwise. The next thing Snake saw was Emma's huge hand coming toward them like a missile. As one would expect, this goaded Snake into running even faster. Soon he dived into the relative safety of a thick patch of pansies, but Otacon had stumbled and fell flat on his face a few inches short of his goal. And before he knew it, Emma had her fingertips pinned against her stepbrother's sides. Snake could only watch helplessly from his hiding spot as Emma lifted Otacon up to her face, fixing a cold stare at him.

"Well well well, I expected to find another mischievious Minish, but I find a worthless stepbrother instead," Emma said coldly, her thunderous voice being heard easily by Snake. "It's been a LONG time, Hal. Afraid to face me again?"

"Even HE'D be afraid to face a girl that big and that pissy," Snake muttered. Emma just sat there silently with Otacon dangling between her fingertips, perhaps waiting for him to say something. Eventually he must've, but whatever he said must've only made Emma angrier; her face twisted into a bone-chilling scowl.

"Oh, so you're sorry? So that's it, everything supposed to be OK now? Fine, I forgive you. So how about a big hug for your stepsister?" The next thing Snake saw was Emma sandwiching Otacon between her arms and her breast, and began to mercilessly squeeze him tightly. This time, Snake could hear him clearly. His blood-curdling scream of agony punctuated how his eyeball popped loose from its socket a second time.

"Brrr, gross," sighed Snake, shaking his head. Looking back up, he saw Emma glaring down at Otacon, still held captive between her arm and breast, looking as if she was trying to decide what to do with him next. "Please, not in the cleavage again."

Evidently, Emma had different plans. Emma lifted Otacon over her head, and, to Snake's surprise, stuffed him into her hair bun. Snake swore he could see a few Minish trapped in her hair bun too. With that, Emma stood up and walked away, her quaking footsteps slowly becoming fainter and fainter.

"Great, gotta go rescue the geek AGAIN," spat Snake as he stpped out from the pansies. He was about to call Otacon via Codec, but then remembered that he had already told him exactly what had to be done. Snake glanced around, noticing several Minish among the flower stems, each backing away upon noticing they'd been spotted. "This may take a while," he muttered under his breath.

But the Minish was cut off when Snake crept up behind him, put him into a chokehold and held a knife up to his throat. "OK, I want information," he hissed in the Minish's ear.

"While in the airship, if you hold B and hit the A button 55 times, you'll access a hidden puzzle game," said the Minish. Snake let out a sigh, then slammed the Minish hard into the dirt.

(AN: OK, at this point everyone's either thinking 'But only children can see the Minish!' and 'You need the Jabber Nut to understand their language!' To that I can only say this: bite me. This chapter was hard enough to put together as is, so shut it.)

"At the title screen, hit Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A and Start!" cried the Minish. Snake shook his head, then hit the Minish in the back of the head with his gun.

Feh, isn't that funny? Our beloved antihero can use a sniper rifle to wing rats and ravens from 300 feet away, but nailing a Minish with acorns using a gust jar? No chance.

Or is there? At long last, Snake scored a direct hit, knocking the Minish off her perch. Soon after she hit the ground hard, Snake was upon her, putting her in a chokehold. "I'm in no mood for games, I want information and I want it now!" he growled.

"I hear its amazing when the famous purple stuffed worm in flap-jaw space with the tuning fork does a raw blink on Hari Kiri Rock. I need scissors! 61!" cried the Minish in desperation. Snake hung his head in defeat, then bludgeoned her with the gust jar.

"Gotcha!" he exclaimed as he downed one Minish, and cried "You're mine!" as he shot another one. Most of the Minish there were drooling in their sleep by now, but one had gotten away. Unfortunately for him, he decided to taunt Snake by shaking his butt and slapping it. Snake, naturally, shot him in the ass with a dart and he keeled over instantly.

"Cute, Snake. Real cute," Otacon replied dryly.

"Look, Otacon, in all seriousness, I need information now," Snake said. "Is there any specific way to beat your stepsister? Does she have any weaknesses?"

"Weaknesses?" repeated Otacon, obviously searching his memory. "Yeah, there's one big thing, and...oh, that's right! There IS a way to take advantage of that! But in order to do so, you'll have to recruit lots and lots of Minish."

"I don't think that'll be a problem," said Snake.

"What? You mean you've gathered together a bunch of Minish already?" asked Otacon.

On the Codec screen, Snake could be seen looking behind him. "You could say that."

Snake saw Emma lying on her back near the base of a tree. Even though he was still a few feet away (a good few hundred feet from his perspective) she still looked absolutely ginormous to him, her body strecthing out seemingly forever. Snake then saw Emma lift one leg without bending her knee until her foot pointed straight up into the sky. Her socks and sneakers were off, he noticed. Emma then let it down and did the same her other leg, as if doing leg exercises. All the while, she was giggling uncontrollably like a little schoolgirl.

It was then that Snake thought he saw something moving between her toes. Curious, Snake took out his binoculars to get a better look. As he zoomed in, he spotted Otacon and three other Minish wedged between her huge toes. The Minish looked as if they were about to have heart attacks, while Otacon looked about ready to hurl. Snake shivered, not wanting to think about how incredibly freaky it would be to be stuck between that girl's toes and moved around at such sickening speeds. Of course, that messed-up little techno-nerd probably found being at his stepsister's mercy more exciting than freaky.

"Getting Otacon to safety's gonna be harder than I thought," Snake grumbled as he slid down the dandelion. "OK, people, let's go over this one more time," he said as he turned around to face his allies.

Nearly a hundred Minish were waiting behind him, wielding stuff like bombs, boomerangs, gusts jars, Canes of Pacci and Somaria, and other random crap from the Zelda games. And is if to demonstrate their readiness to fight to the death, all their faces were painted in varying patterns with blue dye. The aged Minish that was probably seen as their leader turned and shouted something to all of them in their native language, raising his staff high. After he was done, the other Minish rose to the rallying cry, raising their tiny, squeaky voices.

"Yeah, whatever," Snake muttered under his breath. But Emma's booming voice soon overpowered the cries of his Minish army. At first, Snake feared that they'd been found out, but then he heard Emma say, "OK, Otacon, would you like to test my new project? I've been working to perfect the latest A.I. I've developed, for armored units. Knowing you, you should be happy to try it out."

Snake quickly climbed back up the dandelion to see what was going on. Emma had stood up, towering over Otacon and the Minish she had set back on solid ground. And Snake shuddered when he saw what she was holding: what looked like a scale model of the original Metal Gear, which to them was as big as the real thing. She set it down near the group, and activated almost immediately, stomping after Otacon and the Minish while firing its machine guns and missiles and whatnot.

"Crap, this makes things even worse!" cried Snake as he slid down the dandelion again. "OK, troops, we move out now!" he exclaimed, addressing the Minish.

"Right!" squeaked one Minish. "Demolition teams, start digging!" With that, he and several other Minish wearing mole mitts began to furiously dig, making tunnels that would encircle the spot where Emma was standing. It was now the job of Snake and the rest of the army to rescue the hostages and keep Emma busy so they could do what they had to do.

"Alright, now we move out. We've got to give our demolition teams enough time to carry out their part of the plan," said Snake. "Alpha Team, with me. All other teams, move out and surround the target." With that, Snake drew his M16 and charged through the grass, his handpicked team of Minish following close behind.

The grass only extended so far, and soon they came upon the open area in which Emma was standing. Snake looked up at the cute, giant engineer, and she was staring down at the group that was hauling ass away from the minituare Metal Gear as fast as their tiny little legs could carry them. They all ran in a circle around Emma, and soon they were all about to make another pass around where Snake's team stood, concealed by the grass. "When the Metal Gear is about to pass us, we make our move. Aim for the legs in this order...." he whispered to his partners.

And indeed, just as Otacon and the other Minish ran for dear life past them, Snake jumped out from the grass and fired a grenade right into Metal Gear's right leg. Its metal joints screeched in protest, and the rest of the Minish strike team followed Snake's cue, chucking bombs at its legs in the exact same order that Dr. Petrovich Madnar had told Snake eleven years ago. Metal Gear could hardly fire off any shots at Snake's team before its legs gave way and it exploded in a display of flashy 8-bit pyrotechnics and sound effects.

"Hey, that was mine, you little worms! Weeks of work down the drain thanks to you!" bellowed Emma from high above them, making Snake look up. Emma was glaring down at them, and he knew the weight of her cold stare was unnerving his Minish partners.

"Get ready," Snake whispered to his group, certain that Emma would either try to grab them or stomp on them. And indeed, she began to reach down with an outstretched hand. Snake aimed his assault rifle up at her, but instead of reaching for him, Emma went and grabbed Otacon.

"Oh no. You're not getting my stepbrother back so easily," Emma beamed down at Snake as she dangled the writhing, screaming Otacon high above the ground. She then stuffed Otacon back into her hair bun. "Try getting him back now, Snakey!" she gloated as she took a step toward them.

Great, this complicates matters, especially since we're working with a ticking clock, Snake thought as he loaded another grenade. Just one or two more steps, and she'll be all over us....

But just before Emma would've been upon them, Snake heard the faint, squeaky cry of "Team Bravo, open fire!" All of a sudden, a whole shitstorm of acorns and little arrows shot up at Emma's head, taking her completely by surprise. The fact that Emma was wearing glasses was probably the only thing that kept her from losing an eye.

"Ow! Hey! Quit it!" she cried out angrily, raising her arms to shield her face. Eventually, though, Emma regathered her wits and turned away from Snake's group, going for the second team of Minish.

Snake saw Emma slam her bare foot down hard, making the ground shake and filling the air with a deafening boom. However, it looked like all the Minish had scattered to avoid getting flattened. And before she could go after any of them, Snake another squeaky voice yell, "Teams Charlie and Delta, attack!" And with that, another deluge of arrows shot up at Emma, along with blasts that were obviously from fire rods and ice rods.

Once again, Emma was caught by surprise, reflexively raising her arms to protect her face. But even that did her little good, for other teams of Minish were tossing bombs near her feet, along with blocks made by Canes of Somaria, which promptly exploded and let out fireballs.

"OUCH!! KNOCK IT OFF!!" thundered Emma as she hopped around in place to keep her feet from getting scorched, making the ground quake again in the process. Snake's team then joined the fray. His Minish partners tossed bombs and fired rocks using gust jars, and Snake readied a stinger missile and fired it at her knee. "YEEOWWW!!!" she screeched as the missile exploded, her hand reaching to nurse her knee. She then glared down evilly at Snake again, her teeth gritted. "That's it, you little pest!" she screamed as she raised one foot.

But before she could stomp on him, arrows and magic blasts from another Minish team caught her unawares, almost making her lose her balance. Emma turned to go after that team of Minish, but then, another team chucked foots at her feet.

Snake watched as the Minish teams worked in tandem. When Emma turned to go after the team that just attacked her, another team would cover them and distract her. In that way, they were keeping her occupied long enough for their plan to succeed...or give Snake a chance to rescue Otacon.

Snake sighed as he looked up and ran toward Emma's towering form, his heart hammering faster and faster as he got closer. As he drew nearer, he looked back down on the ground and saw what he had hoped to find: a small hole in the dirt which he could easily fit in. "Here's hoping this stupid thing works," Snake said as he pulled a yellow cane out of nowhere, which Zelda fans would recognize as the Cane of Pacci.

He aimed the cane at the hole and a dazzling blast out energy shot out at it; magic energy was now swirling within the hole. Snake looked back up at Emma, still being miraculously held at bay by the Minish strike teams, but coming dangerously close to stomping on him...which is what he wanted. Muttering a silent prayer, Snake jumped into the hole.

Within the hole, Snake spun around and around so fast, he thought he was going to be sick. But eventually, he was propelled out of the hole and rocketed upward, soaring higher and higher. "Why is it always me who has to go through this SHIT!?" he screamed as he ascended aside Emma's body. Soon, he'd reach her head. Snake had hoped to grab onto her hair once he reached her head, but just then, another attack from a Minish team made her head jerk around suddenly, and Snake's hands grasped at nothing but thin air.

"CRAAAAAAAAP!!!" Snake cried as he continued flying up. However, after rising a foot or so above Emma's head, he came to a stop and began plummetting. Looking down, he saw Emma's hair bun, with Otacon still hopelessly trapped within it. Snake desperately tried to swerve his body around as he fell, hoping to get close enough to....

Got it! he thought with relief as he grabbed hold of the eraser end of one of the pencils going through Emma's hair bun. And miraculously, Emma didn't seem to notice at all, still distracted by the Minish teams. "Whew!" Snake breathed as he carefully crawled along the pencil, inching closer and closer to her hair bun. Soon enough, he reached Otacon and managed to pull him free.

"Sounds like they're really having at her," said Otacon quietly, so his stepsister wouldn't hear. "Told you they'd be easily convinced."

"Yeah yeah, sure, let's just move," Snake growled.

"Uh, but how are we gonna get...." Otacon started to say, but his words trailed of when Snake grabbed him and jumped off Emma's head with him.

"Hang on to me," Snake said, once again pulling something from the Zelda games out of thin air. This time, it was the Deku leaf from Wind Waker, and with it, the two of them floated gently down to the ground, a safe distance from Emma. "Can't believe we actually survived," Snake said. "Now much time do we have left?" he added, checking his watch.

He saw there was little time left.

"SHIT!" he exclaimed as he pulled out his stinger missile launcher and armed it. This time, he took aim straight at Emma's face, and the target's lock was set. He fired the missile, and screamed "ALL TEAMS, PULL OUT!!" as loudly as he could. The missile smashed into Emma's glasses, shattering a lens and making her scream in agony. Her hands flew to her injured face. She was completely disoriented and wouldn't be going anywhere, which is exactly what Snake was counting on.

"Move it, Hal. MOVE!!" Snake screamed as he ran like hell away from Emma. It was essential to much as much distance between them as possible...since the Minish teams that had been digging had set remote-detonated bombs underground in a ring that encircled Emma. The idea was to keep Emma busy long enough for the demolition teams to plant their bombs, and at a set time....

BOMB!

All the bombs were remotely set off at once, while Emma was still within the ring. The explosions caused the ground around her to cave away, and she plummetted down into the gaping hole the bombs created.

Snake and Otacon hung for dear life onto roots from some grass that stuck out from where the ground had caved away. They looked down at Emma, who had fallen right into the middle of a fairy fountain. A rather deep fairy fountain. And as anyone who's played through Metal Gear Solid 2 knows, Emma has a severe case of hydrophobia. As Otacon expected, Emma immediately panicked and began to slowly sink into the fairy fountain, paralyzed by fear. Snake and Otacon saw bubbles rise to the water's surface for a few moments, but soon no more came.

"I guess it's over," Snake said with a tone of finality. Otacon said nothing. Snake looked over to him, and saw that he kept staring down at the water, his face one of self-loathing. Snake decided it was best not to ask and simply climbed up the root, hoping Otacon would get the hint and do the same.

Eventually, he did, and when they both made it back onto solid ground, they were greeted by the sight of dozens of cheering Minish...and the exit point for this simulation.

"No use hanging around here for the celebration. Let's go," said Otacon in a neutral tone.

"Otacon, any idea how many more scenarios we've got left?" Snake asked.

"Uhh, lemme think," said Otacon, racking his brains. "Umm, there should only be two more, I think," he finally said.

Two more, Snake repeated in his head as they stepped into the exit point. Any chance I'll actually survive two more of these? Somehow I doubt it....