“I'm telling you, Yllokop's going all the way this time. Didn't you see them in the qualifiers? Xiyeq is the best new diver I've ever seen,” Zmnbax warbled as he eased back the hyperspace gradient throttle. The tunnel of light outside the canopy began to shimmer and waver as the ship began to transition to real space.

Zmnbar waggled his eyestalks skeptically. “Are you forgetting that time she overshot and accidentally bumped the ball out of bounds? She's fast, sure, but maybe she's not experienced enough for the big leagues yet.”

“Hey, even the best can make mistakes sometimes. And Xiyeq is the best. That's where I'm putting my money.”

As Zmnbax fully closed the hyperspace throttle, the tunnel of light outside the window finally disappeared in a blinding flash of light and was replaced by an ordinary black starfield. A mid-size yellow-white star was shining off in the distance.

Zmnbar gurgled derisively. “Well, I still remember when you talked me into betting everything on Hraa-Klaa.”

Zmnbax glared at his friend as he spun the craft around to angle it for the next hyperspace vector and stepped on the sublight accelerator.

“How was I supposed to know their whole offense would take a gamma-ray burst right in the eyes? That's a one-in-a-billion chance. No one could have predicted that.”

When the flying saucer suddenly materialized in the sky, most people saw how large it looked and thought it must be hovering just overhead. It wasn't until it spun around and started to grow closer that it became apparent that the saucer and the two bug-eyed green aliens visible inside were not close at all, but unimaginably huge. Further away than the moon, but closing in with frightening speed. In just a few seconds, it completely filled the sky from horizon to horizon.

The last thing anyone saw was a pair of gargantuan alien eyes far above. Bored eyes, looking off to the side and not even noticing the doomed planet below. Only at the very last moment did those great eyes glance down and widen in surprise.

SPLAT!

Zmnbax and Zmnbar only barely glimpsed the planet in their path before it smacked right into the canopy and was instantly squashed, leaving a big ugly smear in the middle of the window.

Zmnbax threw his hands up and cried out, “Oh, gross!”

It was an especially disgusting planet, wet and moldy. It had been only a little larger than one of their eyeballs, but when it was squashed flat the water on it spilled out in all directions and froze over, leaving a thin film of dirty ice in a big splatter over the window. In the center of the splatter were irregularly-shaped splotches of brownish-green moldy dirt, and some orange-red goo had oozed out from inside and congealed into solid black crud.

“Now we'll have to stop and wash the window,” Zmnbar said.

Zmnbax sighed. “It's going to be a pain scraping all that off. Let's just go, I'll do it later.”

Zmnbar bent his eyestalks accusingly. “Do you really want to show up with your ship like this? We'll look like deadbeats. Even more than we always do, I mean. Actually, turn around. We passed a service station a few jumps back, remember? Let's get the whole thing washed. You never wash this ship, it really needs it.”

Zmnbax chuckled. “Oh, I remember that place. You just want to go there and ogle, don't you? Fine. A wash can't hurt and we still have time…”

He spun the ship back around the way they'd come and accelerated into hyperspace.

As they landed in the service station's bay, a perky soprano voice greeted them over the comm.

“Welcome to Gallumbits, how can I help you?”

Zmnbax leaned over to speak into the microphone. “Uh, we need a wash.”

“Okay, basic or personal service?”

Zmnbar pushed Zmnbax aside and answered first. “Personal service!”

Zmnbax glared at him. “Hey, whose ship is this?”

“It'll be worth it. She sounds hot. You can consider it paying me back for all the money I lost betting on Hraa-Klaa.”

The woman on the comm giggled. Zmnbar and Zmnbax looked at each other sheepishly, realizing they hadn't muted the microphone.

“Okay, personal wash for a mid-size two-seat saucer. That'll come out to 42 million grzaks. You pay on the way out. I'll be right down. Sit back and enjoy…”

The way she drew out the word “enjoy” made Zmnbar quiver in anticipation.

A moment later the lights in the bay dimmed and music came on. Dance music with a thumping beat that made the ship tremble as the vibrations carried through the floor.

The inner door opened and a woman skipped out, her springing steps in perfect rhythm with the beat. Zmnbar had been right about her. She was tall and shapely, in knee-high boots, sheer nylons, and a silvery leotard with enticing holes cut out here and there, revealing some of the pale blue skin around her hips, belly, and back. Her hair was vivid pink streaked with white highlights, tied back in a long ponytail that whipped back and forth as she moved.

She skipped in a circle around the bay and twirled around the pillar in the center. Then she sauntered over to the ship and leaned down to peer into the window, looking Zmnbax and Zmnbar right in the eyes. Her red eyes almost seemed to glow from within as she looked them up and down. They were both left speechless and trembling. She winked and stood back up.

The woman opened her mouth and her long prehensile tongue snaked out, tattooed with a diamond pattern in black and gray. The tongue coiled around the base of the saucer and lifted it up.

As the ship slowly rose, Zmnbar and Zmnbax were treated to a slow pan up the towering woman's body, from her boots to her perfectly-sculpted thighs, past her supple waist and finally to her chest. If only the view hadn't been marred by the planet splattered on their canopy.

She set the saucer down on her outstretched hand, balancing it from below exactly like a waitress holding a dinner plate. She slowly brought the ship right up to her face, until all Zmnbar and Zmnbax could see was her deep purple lips looming in front of them, smiling mischievously.

Then she opened her mouth wide and exhaled. The canopy fogged up, and the thin film of ice splattered on it started to melt and trickle downward.

A large dark shape slowly emerged from the fog and rubbed against the canopy. The tip of the woman's tongue. Zmnbar and Zmnbax felt the ship around them start to turn; the woman was swiveling it back and forth on her hand to completely lick the canopy dome clean. After a few passes, the moldy splotches and dark crud from the planet were wiped away. Remainders of them could be seen smeared on the tattooed flesh of her tongue as she pulled it away.

She set the saucer down on the floor and pranced off to the other side of the bay, where she set about filling a bucket with soapy water. She was still swishing back and forth in time with the music. After the bucket was full, she picked the ship up and dunked it into the bucket, fully immersing it in the foamy water. Zmnbar and Zmnbax could see nothing as the foam completely covered the window. They were just knocked about in their seats as their craft was moved around under the water.

Eventually they felt a bump, as if the ship had been set down on the floor again. They felt the ground shake as the giant woman's booted feet stomped around on the floor next to them. Then a spray of water cleared the foam away. They could now see the woman's boots overshadowing their craft on either side and look directly up her legs to see her holding a hose overhead, rinsing the saucer off.

She jumped down to the floor and did a split, with the saucer resting at her crotch and her legs stretching far off to either side. The music got louder and faster. Zmnbar and Zmnbax peered straight up to see the woman's torso towering over them, gyrating in time with the intensifying music. Her hand appeared holding a dry cloth, which she laid on one side of the ship. Just as the music built to a climax, she grasped the saucer's bubble canopy in her fingers and twisted, setting the saucer spinning like a top. The two occupants were overwhelmed, spinning around madly. The music was pounding, and through the canopy the giant torso and legs surrounding them were spinning past in a blur.

The saucer's spinning slowed and stopped as the music died down. The woman leaned downward and peered straight down into the window and waved goodbye, waggling her fingers playfully. Then she got up and walked off towards the doorway. The ship shook with her booted footsteps.

It took Zmnbax and Zmnbar a while to recover. They were still dizzy from being spun around. Their eyestalks were wavering drunkenly and their rubbery bodies were quivering. Eventually Zmnbar collected himself enough to speak.

“See, wasn't that worth it?”

“Yeah, you were right. I'm almost glad we got the canopy dirty now. But you're still paying for it.”

“It's your ship!”

“But the fancy wash was your idea.”

“You know I'm broke! And like I told you, you owe me for all that money I lost taking your bad advice.”

Zmnbax didn't answer but just started flipping switches to power up the engines for take-off.

Zmnbar grumbled and brought up the payment interface. He could just barely cover 42 million grzaks; it wiped out what he had left for entertainment this paycheck. Blowing all that money on a gimmicky “sexy wash show” suddenly seemed pretty stupid now that he was faced with the bill. And unlike betting on Hraa-Klaa, this had been all his idea. Sighing, he filled in the transfer for 42 million as quickly as he could, ignoring the rest of the form. He closed his eyes, mentally kicking himself as the ship took off. Who could he bum some more money off of until he got paid again?

Usselqyi was leaning in the door frame, cooling down and waiting for the customers to pay and fly off. She untied her hair and tossed her head to let it flow freely down her shoulders. It was damp with sweat. All that dancing and gyrating around was hard work. Doing it over and over again was exhausting. Plus all the time spent rehearsing to make sure she could do it all perfectly, every time, in sync with the music.

She'd had dreams once of being a real dancer: the kind who would enter competitions, win awards, and tour the universe. But one failed audition led to another, and another, and another after that. Soon she had no choice but to take whatever work she could to make ends meet. Now here she was, stuck in this dead-end dive in the middle of nowhere, shaking her ass for pocket change from the gutter trash of the universe. Putting on this ridiculous costume and jumping out of this door over and over, repeating the same moves in the same order every time.

The only variety was in the size and shape of the customers' spacecraft. Even so there was no room for improvisation. Just like the pricing table, there was a table of set dances for each combination of hull shape and size, and she'd done them all enough that they all felt old. For large ships — large enough to carry someone her size inside — she had to climb up onto them and wash them with a rag and sponge instead of just dunking them in a bucket. The really small ships — the length of her fingers or shorter — were the easiest, but most degrading: she was supposed to rub them up and down her body to dry them off.

And every time, she'd look into those cockpit windows and see different perverted losers. They came in all shapes, sizes, and colors, but the dull animal lust in their eyes was always the same. And she had to learn to smile coquettishly, blow kisses, and play-act flirting with them over the comm no matter how boorish their behavior. Wolf whistles and crude remarks over the comm were common enough to be unremarkable. So was the kind of speechless quivering mess that these last customers had been. The really bad cases were the ones who would brazenly touch themselves, shamelessly thrusting hands or tentacles or feelers to their erogenous zones right in front of her. That was one good thing about the tiniest of the customers: they were too small for her to see where they put their appendages, and far too small for her to make out the look in their eyes. But she could easily imagine it.

Finally, the notification of these last customers' payment popped into view. Bill: 42 million grzaks, paid in full. Tip: zero.

Zero.

Zero.

Usselqyi cried out and punched the door frame. Those stingy little green creeps. She'd put on her best chirpy ditz voice over the comm, and licked off their filthy little saucer, and gyrated her hips outside their window. But apparently it hadn't been good enough for those ungrateful ingrates. They were going to just pay the management's share and scamper off, leaving her with almost nothing.

She turned her head to look back out into the bay, her eyes narrowed in a withering glare. The little flying saucer was still taking off, droning along at about head height not far away.

She stomped out and caught the little ship with one hand. It shook as its engines strained in a futile attempt to break free from her grasp. A solid thwack to the underside silenced them for good. Then she closed her hand around the bubble canopy and pried it off with little effort. She held it upside down in one hand as an improvised bowl, and overturned the ship over it, shaking until the two tiny jerks plopped out. She lowered her head to look straight down into the bowl, giving the little creeps a good look at a very different face than she'd shown them earlier. They were cowering against the walls of the bowl and wailing pathetically.

She opened her mouth and shot out her tongue. No putting on a show of slowly snaking it out this time; her tongue moved with the blinding speed it was meant for. In the blink of an eye, first one former customer and then the other disappeared into her mouth. Her cheeks bulged out with the two beings stuffed inside.

She toyed with them for a while, poking and prodding at them with her tongue while she reattached the canopy to the ship. Their skin was soft and rubbery, with a salty taste. Their knobby fingers and pseudopods beat feebly against the roof and sides of her mouth as they struggled.

Then as she walked back through the door, carrying the little ship loosely at her side, she started to chew. The skin had a gummy texture, sticking to her teeth as she bit into it, and the insides were fine and gritty with a bitter edge. The four little oblong eyeballs popped between her teeth and squirted out warm, sour juice.

There were no bones to spit out. She'd completely chewed up and swallowed the two tiny jerks in the short walk to the back room, and now she was in a much better mood.

Her co-worker Xxojra was lounging there in the back room, her dark green legs kicked up on the table and her toes idly drumming on the window.

“Here, catch!”

With a flick of her wrist, Usselqyi threw the little saucer across the room like a discus. Xxojra hadn't been paying attention; she flinched and was barely able to catch it by the rim. She giggled.

“This one too? How many times is this now? Girl, you've got issues.”

“These creeps were asking for it. That ship of theirs was filthy. There was some nasty little watery planet splattered all over the window.”

Xxojra made a cute pouty grimace. “Ewwwww!”

“I know! And they didn't tip. At all.”

Xxojra tossed the saucer onto the floor, where it clattered and rolled to rest against a pile of other discarded saucers, rockets, and spheroids.

“You're right then, they totally deserved it. Well, enjoy your break. I hope whoever I get next won't be that bad.”

Usselqyi stepped into the locker room and finally peeled off the awkward boots and ridiculous leotard. She leaned into the mirror and opened her mouth wide, checking her teeth, gums, and tongue. All sorts of gunk had built up. There were bits of rubbery green skin stuck to her teeth, which she rinsed and brushed off. There was greenish-brown crud from the squished planet smeared on her tongue, which she had to scrape off. And lodged deep in her back teeth was a tiny round stone, gray with dark pockmarks. She shuddered as she remembered where it come from. The little saucer's engine grille had been filthy, caked with dust, ice, and dirt from who knows how many planetoids, asteroids, and comets. Some, like this one, had been stuck there still intact.

It occurred to her as she kept picking at her teeth that this was as degrading as anything else. She had to literally eat dirt. Every little grit of dust or fleck of stone that accumulated on the customers' craft in outer space would end up on her tongue and in her mouth, and she'd have to laboriously pick it all out on her break. Her satisfaction from disposing of those tiny deadbeats had been sweet, but fleeting. It eroded away as she worked at her mouth, one little stone or fleck of dirt at a time. She found it hard to imagine that anything could make her feel more unappreciated and insignificant than picking all this space debris out from between her teeth.