I woke up in an empty playing card box wrapped in a napkin. Sleep had not come easily to me. In addition to Anni snoring on the couch, Gina’s threats echoed in my head. How far would she go to kidnap me from Fulda? It seemed like she became even more unstable in the time I was away, and she was capable of anything now. At the very least she would shrink her and take me as a prize, if not just for revenge for getting shrunk herself. Killing was a solid possibility too, even though Fulda had explicitly spared her. Worst case, she would shrink the building and smash it, then sift through the wreckage for me.
Sleeping in was not in the cards for me today, however, and Anni had no intention of letting me. Her fingertips pounded on the countertop just outside my makeshift room, then the flimsy plastic roof bulged inward from her lightly tapping it. “Time to wake up, sleepy head!” she proclaimed, and her voice reverberated in my tiny compartment. “You’re marrying the greatest woman on Earth today, and you’ve got a lot to do to get ready!” As if I could forget either thing.
I slid out from the napkin and crawled to the exit, stepping over the tab that would normally keep the box closed. Anni was eagerly waiting for me to emerge, and the moment I did her fingers were upon me. She pinched my body between her thumb and forefinger – Fulda must have told her how to pick me up, no one had ever done it like that their first time – and lifted me off the counter. “I’m going to help you get ready, okay?” she said, holding me near her belly. “You need to look at least half as good as she does.” So I was tasked with the impossible.
Anni turned on the faucet and held me under the tap, letting the water drench me. She squirted a tiny amount of soap onto her finger and pulled me out of the stream, then applied the soap to me. Her finger worked up a good lather as she rubbed it all over my body, getting rid of any dirt and smells that might have been on me. When I was clean, she put me back under the water to rinse it away, then placed me in the same napkin I had slept in. Delicately she patted me dry before pulling the paper off me so we could continue.
She slid my suitcase toward me, taking special care not to fling it when her finger stopped. “Go on, get dressed,” Anni coaxed. “I want to make sure you don’t look like a fool.” I doubted anyone would get a good look at me, but I’d have to get dressed anyway. With a tired grunt I unzipped my luggage and pulled out a garment bag, then unzipped that too. Inside was the tuxedo Fulda had tailored for me, then shrunk so I could actually wear it, and I pulled it out.
As expected, it fit perfectly, but Anni was not yet satisfied. She grabbed a magnifying glass and bent over so she could focus on me while looking at me through the lens. “Hm,” she said, inspecting every minute aspect of my appearance. “Straighten your bowtie. Make sure that both sides of your jacket are even with each other. Pull that pant leg out from behind the tongue of your shoe so that it falls onto the shoe itself.” I complied with all her instructions, and when I was finished she looked me over again. “That’s better. Just make sure your hair stays in order and we’re good to go.”
Anni set the magnifying glass on the counter, then pinched me around the chest with tweezers. “Don’t want to get your clothes all ruffled,” she explained, cupping a hand beneath me. She walked out the door and to her car, where she set me down on top of her purse. I secured myself in one of the handle’s loops and she started the car, put it in gear, and began backing out. If I had any doubts, it was too late to back out now.
Fulda had chosen a small temple for our ceremony, about the size of a two-bedroom house, since the guest list was so short. Anni used the tweezers to pick me up again and brought me inside, keeping a hand below to catch me in case I slipped. Her long legs made the trip pleasantly brief and she was able to keep the ride smooth for me the whole time, though I could not be sure if that was out of concern for my safety or appearance.
A quick walk up the red carpet later, Anni set me down at the base of the black stone altar. There was a small black X marked on the floor for me and I made sure to stand directly on it, not deviating a single micron. Anni studiously walked around me and took a spot behind the lectern, resting her arms on top of it. She threw open the leather-bound book with a boom and began scanning the marked pages in preparation.
I had thought Anni’s flowing black robes were unusual for bride’s maids, and when I saw the quartet assembled across from me it came together: she would be officiating, while the members of the wedding party were in light blue and white dresses reminiscent of the titular character from “Alice in Wonderland.” They all wore shiny black Mary Janes almost twice my size and bright white tights fresh for the occasion, with the skirts formed like a turtle shell down to their knees. The white aprons were fringed with lace, and each of them had a different colored bow in their hair to make sure it flowed down their backs.
They were in order of height, so Helen stood closest to me, looming like a mountain while she stared down at me with her pale eyes, a black ribbon in her hair and slight grin on her face. Beside her was Jessica, the sister who hadn’t gone insane, with a blue bow in her hair. Her deep blue eyes darted everywhere around me, probably embarrassed at how she treated me in the past. Next was Jackie, who had dyed her hair pastel blue to make her white ribbon stand out even more, standing with her hands clasped together and her red lips spread in a broad, toothy smile. Finally, there was Mia, a sharp drop from the others but still quite enormous to me. A red ribbon ran through her dark hair and her brown eyes darted between me and Jesse, the only groomsman, possibly imagining when it would be their turn.
It had been a very long time since I was the center of attention for a crowd, and it made me very uncomfortable. I had to constantly fight the urge to pull at my collar and risk messing up my bowtie. To keep my mind off it I glanced around the room, idly admiring the pentacles hanging on the walls and inscriptions on the black stone altar, but my eyes kept returning to the gigantic women only a few feet from me. Each of them had tried to crush me at some point, even if it was unintentional, and with a single lunge they could do it again, voicing their objection to our union in the most definitive way possible. Neither party was too keen to break the silence, so we just alternated between looking at the other and looking at anywhere else.
The double doors opened, and everyone’s attention turned that way. Fulda strode through the door, her chin held high with each long, deliberate step she took toward the altar. It seemed like her glossy white pumps were gliding over the ground, and her translucent white stockings ran the whole length of her legs, making them look even more amazing than usual. Her gown was on the skimpy side, more like a corset with how much it covered and accentuated her already impressive figure, and it was covered in embroidery with a bit of lace trailing from her waist. White satin gloves were pulled up to her elbows, and in lieu of a veil she had gone with a silver tiara. Everything about her face was radiant, from her glistening pink lips to her immaculately tended eyebrows, but her eyes especially shone like magnificent blue beacons and drew everyone’s focus.
She stopped where I was perfectly in between the front and back of her shoes, barely making a sound or vibration despite her relatively gigantic size. Carefully she lifted her toes and spun on her heels, swinging one shoe over my head while it passed. They came back down on either side of me, making a slight tremor, and for once I was not dwarfed by the toe of her shoes, merely on level with it. I looked up the towering, immaculate body in front of me, and was struck dumb. With a single glance I had fallen deeper in love with her than I could have ever imagined, entranced by her almost otherworldly beauty.
“Fulda has asked me to forego most of the ceremony today,” Anni proclaimed, breaking me out of my trance, “so I will merely affirm that this union is looked upon with approval by Abaddon and turn it over to them.”
I had no idea we were supposed to write our own vows, and though I had never been more enamored with her, I could think of no way to verbalize it. Fortunately, Fulda had prepared something and went first, so I’d have something to go off. “I’ve lived enough without you to know that I don’t want to,” she began, looking directly down at me. “I don’t see your shortcomings as negatives, and how great you are is just a bonus on top. I cherish every minute we have together and want to have as many of those as we can. There’s no one on this earth I could love more than you. You’re mine, but more importantly, I’m yours.”
That would be tough to follow without anything prepared, so I decided to speak from the heart. “You’ve made me the man I am today, in ever sense,” I started. “I couldn’t even begin to imagine my life without you, you’ve had such an enormous effect on it. You’re the only woman who gets me, though I know it can be trying at times, and you always come through for me. My life is in your hands, and it has been for as long as I can remember. I know you always have our best interests at heart, and if you’re mine, then I’m yours.” Silence reigned in the aftermath of my vows, and I worried that I might have fucked up.
“Then your union is solidified,” Anni declared. “You may now become one, as you have been blessed with each other.” I was probably the only person in history whose new wife’s lips were so far above that no accommodations could resolve it, so I simply walked forward and kissed the toe of her shoe. Fulda watched me, and when I pulled away she let out a little giggle.
“Let me help you, little guy,” she said, then bent over. I was ensconced in white satin and lifted from the floor, getting a brief but comprehensive tour of her body while ascending the full seven feet of her body. She settled me in front of her perpetually moist, pink lips, showing the most wonderful smile I had ever seen. “I hope you’re ready to spend most of the next seven days inside me, little man,” she whispered, then winked and planted a long, enormous kiss over my whole body.
A loud boom suffused the air, followed by a quake so powerful even I felt it in Fulda’s hand. We looked around to find the source, and several seconds later it came again, louder and stronger than before. Everyone started to panic, but only a few of us truly understood what was happening. A tremendous object blocked all light coming from outside, throwing the room into shadow, and through the windows we could see each fuzzy tip of black suede.
The building’s structure shuddered, and bulges appeared along the ceiling followed by deep cracks. With a great cacophony the roof was torn away, showering the room in bits of plaster and wood. As it was carried away the culprits were gradually revealed, with a pair of monolithic legs in dark stockings on one side, and two peach, exquisitely toned ones on the other. As though it were nothing Gina tossed the roof aside to crumble somewhere far away and looked down into the building, riding the wave of endorphins from her unquestionable power.
“Last chance, Fulda,” Gina boomed. Her voice was horrifying, more like an unstoppable force of nature than human speech. “Either give my boyfriend back to me, or I’ll crush you, then everyone else in this tiny building, and then I’ll take him anyway!”
“He was never your boyfriend, you fucking psycho!” Fulda shouted back at her. “You forced him to do stuff with you under penalty of death, just like this! Not to mention that he’s my fucking husband now!”
“We’ll see about that,” Gina replied. The titaness leaned over with a hand opened, aimed right at Fulda. Everyone else scattered, trying to get away from it, but Fulda stood her ground. The mammoth fingers ensnared her, and with a firm jerk she was yanked from the floor. I slid out of her palm and over her satin-covered fingers, then plummeted to the ground to land on the red carpet’s cushioning. From there I was powerless to watch as Gina carried my new bride hundreds of feet into the air and enclosed her in a fist.