Then wear the gold hat, if that will move her;
If you can bounce high, bounce for her too,
Till she cry “Lover, gold-hatted, high-bouncing lover,
I must have you!”
-F. Scott Fitzgerald

*Psshht*

"On the last episode of The Silver Zephyr, the daring Count Cannoli was left ensnared in --"

*Psshht*

"-Mona Pizza! Makers of all tasty --"

*Psshht*

"Historians believe the Golden Pyramid was once the capital of --”

*Psshht*

*Huff...*

Wario's stubby legs pedaled on an exercise bike, a cloud of grogginess over his head. In one gloved hand, he wielded a remote control. He aimed the other at a plate of snacks, which he gorged on periodically for fuel.

Dullness glossed over his beautiful blue eyes, pointed at the buzzing TV set without really paying attention. He was focusing his vast banks of mental energy towards the next get-rich-quick scheme.

*Psshht*

"- citizens are demanding an end to absolute monarchy in the Beanbean Kingdom -"

*Psshht*

"The new Mini-Mario Toy! Hurry, buy-"

He snarled. "And they call me greedy!... *Huff*... Why haven't my Mini-Warios sold anything?!"

*Psshht*

"Gettin' fit and funky, is that your desire? Get down and -"

*Pshht*

"We're at the fifth round. Luigi has cleared the previous matches without making a single move, but can he..."

As he reached for the next snack, the yellow-hatted adventurer found his food plate had vanished! He tapped the spot again and again – just a void!

"What the - HEY! YOU!"

Using his stunning investigative powers, Wario spotted a rat scurrying below. Running away with HIS hard-earned snacks!

Wario jumped from the bike to grab the rodent - only for his pointed shoe to catch in a pedal. The spinning wheels slapped him against the rough floor thrice, before he rolled himself out in a yellow blur. He instantly broke into a sprint, charging in a beeline for his plate. Despite the rat's tiny legs, it managed to outmaneuver its pursuer. It ran around the boxes and old clothing littering the floor, and made razor-sharp turns at walls.

"Get back here!" The rogue spewed as he screamed, holding out his shoulder to slam obstacles aside. The pest dove into a mouse hole, carrying the treats with it. Wario couldn't stop his run fast enough, and slammed into it face-first.

*THUMP*

His strong, manly body splattered flatly against the wall. Everything spun in circles. Pain jolted from his rufescent nose to his green-clad toes. He crashed to the ground, and lay sprawled out, swinging his fists.

"Stupid pest! Pick on someone your own size! How am I supposed to catch something that small and sneaky?" He shook a fist of frustration. "If I could shrink down, I'd - "

He meditated on this for a moment. A light bulb flashed. He put his gold cap on from the floor. The frown upon his face morphed into a grin.

"Yeah, that's right...Heh-heh-heh..." He murmured, hand upon his chin. "If I could shrink down to rat-size, nobody could catch me..."

Wario stood to his feet, wiping his backside clean of dust. "They'd never see me coming! And I'd dash away with their cash too fast for them to follow! Heh-heh... Hahaha..."

The thought made his blue eyes turn to green dollar signs. "I'm gonna be rich! WAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

WWW----Weeks later----WWW

Sweat coated Wario's brow. It was hard work building a shrinking device.

To start, he had to spend days referencing research papers from Prof. E. Gadd, Dr. Crygor, Mad Sciencestein, and Dr. Arewostein. Dr. Arewostein was the most exhausting to reference from. It took hours of chasing before he gave up the papers, begging for mercy, and screaming "I'm an archeologist, not an inventor!"

It was also pretty hard watching Waluigi assemble the parts together. At first, seeing the beanpole struggle to operate duct tape and rope was hilarious. But after hours of repeatedly teaching his sidekick how to tie a sailor's knot, Wario's patience drained, and his vocal cords were raw. The cherry on top was having to untie his partner's purple-clad arms from themselves, and carry him to a chiropractor.

But after putting his garlic-filled heart into it...

"It's... Beautiful."

...The scoundrel was now standing before a thing of majesty.

On the outside, it'd appear like a normal exercise bike – just with tennis rackets, golf clubs, and a go-kart engine tied to it. But in reality, this was a great invention, capable of shrinking anyone to miniature heights, and restore them to normal size! A device truly deserving of its name...

"The... Er... Shrink-a-Dink?..." No, that was wrong. He searched his head for a fitting name. "The Shrink-and-You-Miss-It? The Eenie-Meenie-Minimizer? The Lilliputnik? It's gotta be something macho and manly. The Little Package?"

"...Whatever!" Wario tossed the question aside. Now, to find a test subject. Someone to make sure it was safe.

But wait. What if they reported him to the police? Or worse - stole his idea? Wario couldn't risk that. This was his heist!

So he tugged himself up on the padded seat, settling his shapely rear end in. He hunched over and pedaled.

[Suggested music - Mario Party 10 - Amiibo Theme for Wario: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0aIw3fK6ko ]

Lights around the shrinking machine came on. A weight pancaked him from above. Two compactors squeezed the rider on the sides, making him look ready for a Paper Mario sequel. Finally, with a surge of lightning gathered from Rainbow Road, and a series of squeezes, everything stopped.

And from off the seat scurried - in a smaller and denser format - Wario, showing only the most minute traces of fractures and injuries!

"Wahahaha! I did it! I did it! I'm-a number one!"

He jumped from the seat, landing fist-first on the ground. It took him a moment to get used to the new scale, but within seconds, his eyes were already pointing to his first target.

Quickly charging through his now-giant room, Wario rushed past mountains of trash to a wall. The same wall he'd left an indent in weeks ago. And the same rat-hole below.

It just took a moment, and he'd sent the rat packing its bags. The snacks were his once more! Sure, sitting there for weeks had spoiled them. Whatever. What mattered was his pride, not the food itself.

Wario climbed up the device, and pounded each pedal until they started moving in reverse. Robotic hands pulled, twisted, shook, and kneaded him until it restored him to full scale; miraculously, only with minor stretch marks and negligible blood loss!

With his yellow hat still firmly in place, he gazed out at the open sky outside. A world full of people, innumerable as stars. Each with their own lives, secrets, wishes, and coin bags. Each coin bag his for the taking. Every piece of riches, finally within grasp of his W-marked white gloves.

He clenched it into a fist. "I'm coming for you!"

Now, for the criminal's second target...

[Suggested music - Mario Party - Battle Canyon: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7TzORSy_Ao ]

The house was looking worse for wear outside. It was once a sprawling castle, able to outmatch even Peach's towers, with "W" flags waving proudly off the roofs. But a series of repeated debts, poor investments, and scuffles with other robbers forced him to downsize. And beyond that, destructive parties and bathroom incidents meant some walls being torn down completely. His house now barely qualified as a tool shed.

Still, there was one thing Wario kept from his days in greater riches: a mighty cannon. He'd received it as a gift from the Bob-Ombs of Battle Canyon, for helping to end their conflict. At least, he assumed it was a gift; he hadn't exactly asked them if he could take it, but they hadn't come back for it. With this cannon, the man could launch himself practically anywhere, with no flight costs! Besides broken bones, but that came with the job description.

He raked his mind for someone to rob from; a thousand smiling faces were in his crosshairs. Some of the wealthiest members of royalty around; or people who just owed him. Wario, laughing, couldn't tell what dangers awaited him.

But first, he had to choose a direction for his hunt. One of those well-off princess' distant lands, where he could get vengeance for so many defeats in tennis and kart races? Somewhere he'd adventured before, in lawless wilds or undiscovered temples? The urban sprawl around Diamond City, land of opportunity?