Small Chapter 15: The Fall

“Izzy, Izzy wake up. Izzy?”

Izzellah opened her eyes. She was in her bed with the blankets pulled up to her shoulders  A man was sitting on the corner. He was well built and handsome with a strong chin and very sharp eyes that were dull yellow. He wore a light grey t-shirt and dark jeans. His hair was long and tied up in a ponytail. He smiled and Izzellah felt warmth throughout her body.

“Papa?”

“You’ve been sick Izzy, but it’s okay. You’re old man went and borrowed some tomatoes from next door. Your mama’s got some soup coming for you.”

“Sick?” Izzellah felt hot. Her whole body felt sore and there was a dull ache in her right arm.

“Fever.” her papa said. “You’re sister caught it too but not as bad.” He leaned forward and stroked her forehead. It felt nice. His hands were rough from working with machinery all day but somehow he knew how to make them feel soft.

“Why did you leave?” Izzellah asked. “I’ve missed you.”

“I had to go, Izzy. For the family, for myself. Maybe you’ll understand when you’re older.” He scratched his chin and smiled at her. It was a wide welcoming grin that made Izzellah want to smile herself. “I came back though. I’m here now. That’s all that matters.”

When he said that Izzellah felt a chill in her back. Something was wrong. He father turned away from her and rubbed the back of his head. He always did that when he was lying.

“You didn’t come back though.” izzellah said. “You left and…..never came back.”

“Izzy please,” Her father looked concerned. His eyes seemed sunken and tired now. “Don’t do this to yourself.”

“You died.” Izzellah spoke even though she didn’t want to. “You left and you died.”

Her father sighed. He leaned into Izzellah and took her in his strong arms. Izzellah buried her face into his chest. He smelled like sweat and gasoline which she liked. It comforted her.

“ Take care of your sister, Izzellah.” Her father said. He leaned down and patted her on both shoulders. “You’re a big girl now. I expect you to help your mama while I’m gone.”

“I want to come with you!” Izzellah pleaded. She gripped hard onto his pant leg.

“I know you do.” He said. “I’d take you if I could. Your grandpa would love to meet you!” He rubbed his hand into her hair and shuffled it about.

“So why won’t you take me?!” Izzellah asked. “I’m old enough!”

“Maybe one day. But for now just know that your papa loves you. And when I get back things are going to be better for all of us.”

“You’re making a mistake, Ignacio!” Her mother said. She was standing in the hallway leading against the door frame.

“We’ve already talked about this.” He papa snapped. “I have to go!”

“No you don’t!” Her mother yelled. “You have a family now! You can’t go running off like some fool!”

“This IS about family!” Her papa raged.

“Why are you so loyal to a man who abandoned you! Who you haven’t seen in ten years?!”

“Stop fighting!” Izzellah screamed. Her parents stopped and turned toward her. Her mother took her by the hand and led her down the hall. She hugged her softly.

“Sorry about that, mija.” She said. She pecked her on the ear. “We weren’t fighting.”

“Is papa going to be okay?” Izzellah asked.

“Yes.” Her mama whispered into her ear. “Your papa’s strong and smart. He’ll be fine. Everything will be fine.” For some reason Izzellah didn’t believe her.

Izzellah heard the phone ring, Her mother was busy in the kitchen cooking something with lots of spices that made her nose itch. She decided she was old enough to answer it herself. She picked up off the ringer.

“Hello?” she answered.

“Izzy?” Her papa’s voice came through the phoned.

“Papa!” Izzellah squealed excited. She heard something metallic sounding fall onto the floor followed by a swear in spanish.

“It’s good to hear your voice.” Her papa said.

“When are you coming home?!” Izzellah asked. He’d been gone nearly a year and in that time they’d only talked over the phone maybe once a month.

“Soon, mija. I promise. I’ll be home before your birthday.” Izzellah got excited. Her birthday was less than two months away. She looked over her shoulder to see her mother standing there. She motioned to give the phone to her but her mom shook her head. Just then Sabrina darted between her mother’s legs and down the hall. She crashed right into Izzellah.

“Watch where you’re going!” izzellah screamed.

“Who you talking to?” Sabrina smiled revealing a mouth full of missing baby teeth. She was getting really bothersome lately.

“It’s papa.” Izzellah said with a huff.

“I wanna talk to papa!” Sabrina exclaimed. She snatched the phone from Izzellah. “Hi papa!”

Izzellah felt like screaming. Sabrina was such a little brat! Always running around, and singing off key, and wearing her clothes and getting them dirty, and playing with her dolls, and following her everywhere, and-

Her mom gave her a hug from behind.

“Sabrina misses him too.” She said. “Look.”

Sabrina was smiling brightly as she coiled the phone cord around her finger. Her eyes seemed misty. “Yes papa! Everyday!” she bragged about something. “I love you papa!” She turned and handed Izzellah the phone.

“And how have you been?” her papa asked.

Izzellah scrunched her face as she thought of what to say. It had to be interesting for her papa but nothing was really going on, except maybe?

“I-I’m going to a new school soon.” Izzellah said.

“Really?”

“It’s in the city. Mama says it’s better for me since I’m so smart.’

“That’s big news, Izzy. Are you excited?”

“I’m a little scared. I won’t know anyone there, and mama says we might move soon.”

“Don’t be scared, mija. You’re the bravest, toughest girl I know. You’ll make plenty of friends I’m sure.”

“But what if they don’t like me?” Izzellah asked. She didn’t have many friends and now she had to try and make new ones.

“Impossible!” Her papa announced. “You’re Izzellah Ignacia Ivory. Everyone will want to know you.”

“But-”

“Who are you?” her papa asked.

“Izzellah.” she muttered back.

“Who are you!?” he asked louder.

“Izzellah!” She shouted.

“Izzellah who!?”

“Izzellah Ignacia Ivory!” She cheered.

“And you’re not afraid of anything!” Her papa encouraged.

“No I’m not!” Izzellah asked.

“Now who’s gonna kick ass at school.”

“I am!”

“Who!”

“Izzellah Ignacia Ivory!”

Her eyes snapped open! She coughed. There was smoke in the air. She was cold. Izzellah groaned. Her body felt like it had been stretched in two different directions. She tried to move but her muscles were sore. She mustered some strength in her arm and tried to push herself up but nothing happened. She tried again but instead fell over on her right side instead. She tried to push up with her right side but still nothing. Her arm. Her right arm! She could feel it but it wasn’t responding. She moved her left it did work and she managed to shuffle onto her back.

“Izzellah?” She heard. “Izzellah are you awake?”

She shifted to her left and saw her mom looking over her with bloodshot eyes. She was smoking a cigarette and looked a complete mess.

“Mama.” Izzellah rasped. Her throat was dry and sore. “I think I messed up.”

“Izzellah don’t talk just rest.” Her mother said. She removed the cigarette and snuffed in out in an old wooden ashtray.

“I’m sorry mama.” Izzellah said. “I’m-” She felt a pain in her right shoulder. Her whole right arm seemed to tingle like it had fallen asleep. She looked over but still couldn’t see much in the darkness. Something wasn’t right.

“It’s okay.” Gloria said. “I’m just glad you’re okay. You gave us quite a scare.”

“I ruined….I ruined the party.”

“No, mija. Don’t worry about that. No one’s mad at you.”

Izzellah’s mind buzzed with what she’d done. What was she thinking just running off on her own?! She should’ve waited for Brenda. And Sabrina! She must have been worried sick. She had to apologize.

“Sabrina.” Izzellah rasped. “Please, take me to her. I need to...I need to-”

“Hush, mija.” Her mother cooed. “Just rest for now.”

Why did her mother look so shaken? And when did she start smoking?! After all those years of getting on her about it! It didn’t matter.

“No…..I have to apologize to her. She’s...she’s probably freaking out!” Izzellah chuckled at the thought. Sabrina was probably furious with her. She tried to move again. Her legs were responding this time. She moved toward her right and tried again to push up with her right arm. It still tingled and she fell over again.

“Mom, I think there’s something wrong with my arm.” She said. “It won’t move.”

“Oh, mija.” Gloria said. Her eyes were red and had heavy bags under them. “I’m sorry this happened to you. Izzellah watched with confusion as her titanic mother moved over to the side of the room. For some reason Izzellah felt very scared. Her mom flipped on a light switched and Izzellah blinked at the painful light. She slowly opened and shut her eyes as they adjusted. Her right arm wouldn’t stop tingling. She reached over with her left to try and pinch it awake but she found nothing. She reached again and only found air. She turned to her right and saw nothing. What? That was impossible! She rubbed some sleep from her eyes and looked again. Still nothing. There was a smooth nub where her shoulder was. Her right arm was gone.

“What did you do to me!” Izzellah cried.

“There was nothing left, mija!” Gloria said. “It’s a miracle you’re alive!”

“It’s gone!” Izzellah bellowed. “It’s gone!”

“Mija, please calm down. You’ve lost a lot of blood.”

“What happened!? What happened to me!?” Izzellah tried to stand up but fell over again. This time her mother caught her with her palm and pinned her down.

“You have to calm down, Izzellah.”

“What happened!?” Izzellah demanded again. She tried to struggle but the momentary burst of energy had left her. “What happened?”

“You-you...were stepped on, mija.” Her mother revealed. “Your arm..there was...nothing left. It was a smear. I-I tried to clean it as best I could and your body kind of did the rest.”

“That’s it?! It’s just gone! Just fucking gone!?” Izzellah sobbed hard into her mother’s hand. She never would have tried if she knew it would cost her like this. She would rather have died than become some disfigured abomination. What could she do now!? It was all gone! Her arm, her life, her freedom, gone! Because of one stupid mistake.

“MIja, please. It’ll be okay.”

“I’m useless now!” Izzellah shrieked. She was truly just a worthless tiny now. Her sister was right, about everything. She was an invalid, a cripple.

It took awhile before she regained her composure. It was late, after midnight but Izzellah couldn’t sleep. Her mother had placed her on a small pillow with a nice lace doily to keep her warm. She hadn’t slept either. She was busy typing away on her PC and smoking. Izzellah felt numb, to the pain in her right side, to everything.

“There is a solution, mija.” Her mother said. “It’s a long shot but one day you could get your arm back.”

Izzellah didn’t care. It ultimately didn’t matter if she had one arm or two. She was a tiny. She was useless.

“It’s never been done before, making a prosthetic for someone your size but it’s not impossible.”

“Don’t bother.” Izzellah chuckled to herself. This was just like her mom. Always working toward a solution, even if there wasn’t one to be had. She would try to make one. Izzellah didn’t doubt for a second that her mother would spend all her time and money searching for a way to give her some sort of tiny robot arm. And maybe it wasn’t impossible. Izzellah knew of cyborgs. She’d seen news segments on veterans getting new life with replaced limbs, reality shows where the super rich get enhanced with elective surgery. Maybe one day she could have her arm back, but it didn’t matter. Why would you waste your time on nothing. That’s what she was now, nothing. What would she live for now? She had to make a decision, and she did. A terrible one in that moment but it was hers. She would have to take one last risk. Izzellah Ignacia Ivory was dead.

“Can I see Sabrina?” Izzellah asked. She still had to do right by her first.

“She’s sleeping, mija.” Her mom said. “She didn’t take what happened very well. She’s very tired.”

“In the morning then.” Izzellah sighed to herself. One more day didn’t matter.

“And I’ll get you some new dresses! And you can eat whatever you want! And mom will figure out how to fix your arm! And-”

“Big sis.” Izzellah said up to her panicked bigger sister.

Sabrina gasped.

Izzellah chuckled. Was that really all it took to shut her up? “Calm down, Sabby.” she gave her giant sister a pleasant grin.

“Izzellah I’m so sorr-”

“It’s Izzy, actually.” Izzellah corrected. “And I swear if you say I’m sorry one more time I will get mom in here.”

“But-”

“But nothing!” Izzellah interrupted. “I’m the one who should apologize. I’m the one who screwed up and ruined your friend’s party. It’s my fault not yours.”

“Mabel’s not mad at you though!” Sabrina said. “She still wants you to come over, but I said no.”

“It’s your decision, Sabby.” Izzellah nodded. “My life’s in your hands.”  

“Izzy!” Sabrina squealed. Then came the rush of smooches to her side, but this time Izzellah kissed back. This caught Sabrina off guard, but Izzy persisted. She tried her best to press her lips into Sabrinas. She even flitted her little tongue in and out even though it had no real chance of entering Sabrina’s mouth unless the superior teen wanted it.

“I love you, big sis.” Izzy said. “I mean it. I do. You need to know that no matter what happens.” And she did mean it. There was a life in front of her. A good one, with Sabrina. She could see sleepovers, and parties, schooldays, and even sexy funtimes. Sabrina was so full of potential and wherever her life went Izzy knew she could be an integral part of it. Maybe she could even carve out something for herself. It was something worth preserving, something worth coming back for, even if she didn’t deserve it.

“Izzy I don’t know what to say.” Izzellah could see it in her big sister’s eyes. Behind the worry and the the sorrow of a face that had clearly been crying all night was the spark of someone whose dreams had come true. Izzy was glad she could give that to her. Especially since she was liable to be hurt the most.

“You don’t have to say anything.” Izzy bounced in her sister’s hand. “Let’s just do something.” She looked at her arm stump. “Within reason for now.”

Apparently what Sabrina had chosen to do was nothing. Not really nothing but at the same time far more tame than expected. Her big sis was content to just lay back in her bed and hold Izzy. For nearly an hour that’s all that happened and Izzy was bored out of her mind. She appreciated the skinship but her sister was being overprotective. Treating her like a piece of fine china. She didn’t blame her after what had happened.

“When I said within reason I didn’t mean doing nothing , Sabby.” Izzy said.

“I just want to hold you. Is that a problem?” Sabrina replied.

“No,” Izzy relented.

Sabrina sat up and placed her sister in her lap. “I know you say it’s your fault. But it’s also mine, Izzy. I never should have let it go that far.”

“Sabrina, It was my choice.” Izzellah defended.

“You shouldn’t have had a choice! I shouldn’t have been stupid enough to let you get hurt in the first place. If mom hadn’t taken you from me none of this would’ve happened.” She tenderly touched Izzy’s arm nub. “You wouldn’t be broken.”

“Sabby.” Izzellah sighed. She couldn’t really argue with the logic.

“I’m not going to let it happen again.” Sabrina promised. “Ever.”

Izzellah found a strange comfort in Sabrina’s determination. This girl would sacrifice her life for her. Had it always been that way?

“You know if you really want to do something you can.” Sabrina blushed.

“What?”

“No it’s stupid.” Sabrina said.

“Speak up.”

“You can kiss my feet.” Sabrina wiggled her toes.

“Is that really something you want?” Izzellah asked with little surprise. It was obvious Sabrina had some foot kink she was suppressing.

“That’s an order tiny!.” Sabrina insisted. “I-If it’s not too soon.”

“Well if it’s an order!” Izzy exaggerated. “I guess I have no choice. “ the tiny made a big to do about walking over to one of her sister’s feet. It was actually harder than she’d thought as without an arm her balance was off and she nearly stumbled. She caught herself on Sabrina’s toe and gave it a peck.

“Is that it?” Sabrina smiled.

“What?!” Izzy asked defensively.

“You used to have hard makeout sessions with my big toe, Izzy. The Governess is used to a higher class of loving.”

“The Governess?”

“ My left big toe. You’re passionate lovers. You own a house together in the Hamptons! You vacation in New Zealand!” Sabrina beamed.

“She spoils me!” Izzy boasted. She pressed her lips hard into Sabrina’s big toe. “Does my love find that to her satisfaction?”
“I give it a five out of ten.” Sabrina said. Both girls looked at each other than broke out laughing. Was this what happiness was? Izzellah hadn’t felt these emotions in a long time. It felt so much better to just embrace her circumstances then try to fight it. It was enticing. She almost changed her mind right there, but she couldn’t. It wouldn’t last and Sabrina deserved better than her.

It was dark when Izzellah woke up. Sabrina was deep into her rem cycle, which was the point. Izzellah wished her sister pleasant dreams as she would be gone before her “Big Sis” woke up. She squeezed between a gap in Sabrina’s fingers, the girl was still treating her like a paper doll and didn’t have her customary possessive death grip upon her. Izzellah tumbled down her sister’s chest and onto the mattress. She turned to see her sister’s sleeping face. She was truly an angel when she slept. She walked up to her forehead and gave it a small kiss. Sabrina smiled.

“Goodbye Big sis.” Izzellah whispered to her sleeping guardian. “I love you.” With that she turned away from her sister and started about the monumental task of somehow getting to the window seal. This would be her first real test made all the more difficult by the absence of an arm. The window was right next to Sabrina’s desk across the room. It was a blessing and a curse as Izzellah would have to cross a large distance just to get there but some of the her clothes were still there and hopefully her backpack. She jumped off the bed, a feet that had become old hat for her. The room was hers. She jaunted toward the desk at a controlled pace but it still took her a more than a few minutes. She tripped more than once and had to take breaks. Just moving felt foreign to her. There was a weight that was missing now and it made everything seem just slightly off kilter. She made it to the desk but had to catch her breath. She looked over the room in the pale moonlight. Part of her wanted to explore. She could make this room her own. But no. She only had a limited time and who knew how much of it she would spend trying to climb this desk with one arm. She didn’t even know if she could do it with two.

Climbing the desk was impossible. It was carved of smooth wood with no proper hand holds. She didn’t have a ladder, or rope, or yarn. There was no convenient knit blanket for her to use. Izzy groaned. Was this really over already? She hadn’t even started. She fell onto her back and let out a sigh. She had to think. She scooted around under the desk to just try and get her brain to work. There was a chair next to the desk. It was leather with one long stand and rollers. It was just as unclimbable as the desk itself which was a shame. The arms of it were level with the desk itself. Her freedom would’ve been a short jump away. Too bad. She continued to slither around the underside of the desk pushing at the ground with her legs and sliding backward. She wasn’t actually paying much attention to where she was headed and paid for it by bashing her skull against the wall.

“Shit!” She swore out loud. She flinched for a moment worried that she might have woken Sabrina, until it dawned on her that her voice was so small that at this distance she could shout and Sabrina wouldn’t hear it. She looked around her she was directly underneath the desk and by the wall. She stood up and walked about. The desk was pressed up close to the wall, so close in fact that Izzellah would have to turn on her side to walk behind it. Then an idea struck. She squeezed between the wall and the desk and lifted a leg. She pressed her foot against the wall and her back against the desk. Then she lifted her other leg and it created enough pressure to suspend them in the air. She could walk up the side of this desk! She took her first step, and immediately fell down to the ground scapeing her back and feet.

“Fuck!” Izzellah swore again. She reset herself and went for a second attempt. This time she took two steps before losing her footing and falling down. This continued for at least a dozen more attempts, leaving Izzellah sore, sweating, and frustrated. She couldn’t even do something as simple as climb a desk! And it was simple. This would be nothing compared to the uncaring and savage world of outside! Maybe she was meant to be a pet. She reset again. She took slow and controlled steps. At about halfway up she felt her legs tighten and fatigue set in again. She gritted her teeth and endured. This was nothing! She had this! She continued on, each step burning her muscles like the precursor fires of creation. She had this! She closed her eyes and let a rhythm set in. Left. Right. Left. Right. Until her back slid and she found herself nearly falling again. This time she caught herself with her only arm over the edge of the desk. She’d made it to the top! Only down she was hanging off it with one arm by a hope and a prayer with no conceivable way to pull herself up. Izzellah hand never done many pull ups, a fact she now regretted, but if ever there was a need to, now was that moment. And in that moment she endured the most painful and important one armed pull up of her life. She flayed onto her back and laughed hysterically. She was proud of herself. She had proven something to herself in that moment. She wasn’t sure what she was anymore but she wasn’t worthless. Not completely. She could climb a desk! Something a cat or any average sugar addled four year old could do! Amazing! In fact it was so amazing Izzellah immediately fell asleep.

She woke up in with a yawn and a stretch. What time was it? There was light out. It was morning! Was Sabrina awake!? Izzellah looked toward the bed to find the sheets made and a complete absence of sister. Where was she? Izzellah had to move. If Sabrina was gone she wouldn’t be gone long. She scrambled around the desk to try and find what she could. She found her backpack and hurled it across her back and grabbed a handful of whatever she could get away with. She heard something bump into the door frame. She sprinted as fast as she could and leaped from the desk onto the window seal.

“Izzy! I brought breakfast!” she heard from outside the door. She pushed against the glass of the window and tried as hard as she could to slide it open. It moved by just an inch but that was all she needed. She kicked at the corner of the window screen to create an opening to the outside just as the door opened. She heard a crash that sounded like dishware hitting carpet. Instinct compelled her to turn around and see Sabrina staring back at her in sheer terror.

Sabrina decided she would surprise her little sis with breakfast in bed. She didn’t know how Izzy had gotten on the desk but she decided not to be mad about it. “Balance” She remembered the words of Mei. If her sister felt like doing some midnight exploring in her room that was fine. It was even a bit impressive that she’d managed to climb the desk by herself even if the inherent danger of it was worrisome. Plus she looked really cute passed out in her nike underwear. Yes, she was a girl who deserved breakfast and bed and then who knows. They had all of Sunday to themselves.

“Izzy! I brought breakfast!” she announced. She fiddled with the door for a moment struggling to open it with her hands full. She had a tray of oatmeal and a few strips of bacon. She managed the handle without dropping anything then kicked the door open with her foot. She scanned the desk and what she saw made her drop the tray anyway. It was her tiny sister crawling through a crack in the window.

“What are you doing!” Sabrina screamed. She was ready to charge but Izzellah took a step closer to the edge and she froze.

“Don’t do it!”

“You weren’t supposed to see this Sabrina. I should already be gone!” Izzy smiled weakly. She took another step away.

“Why?!” Sabrina cried. “Why are you doing this?! I-I know I messed up! I’m sorry! I-I thought we were doing better!”

“I can’t live that life, Sabby. I don’t know how!”

“What is wrong with you?!” Sabrina shrieked.

“I’m your big sister!” Izzy roared. “You’re supposed to look up to me! You never did and now you never will! I’m-I’m not good enough. Not yet! I’m a mess! If I knew this would happen. I-I would have done a better job.”

“So you’re going to kill yourself!”

Izzy laughed even as the tears came. Fuck if she hadn’t cried enough to feel a lake by this point. A very small lake. “You’re big sister isn’t going to die so easily.” Izzy took another step, just one more and she would be over the edge and be left to the whims of gravity. It was a long way down. A two story drop might have been a freefall from an airplane to her.

“I’ll just find you!” Sabrina threatened. “I swear to god I will. Then I’ll put you in a cage for the rest of your life!”

“I’ll look forward to it.” Izzy smiled. She really would. If Sabrina found her then she would worship her big sis like the godly being she was to her. “I love you, big sis.”

Izzy jumped and in that moment escaped from her old life to embrace a new one. No matter how long or brief it was for that time she would be free. She wouldn’t be small anymore.