Code Name: Little Devil
Occupation: Special Fighter
Height: 10 cm
Weight: 1 kg
Notes: So much power for someone so small. A bit of a weird attitude. Thinks he’s funny or whatever.
There, that’s my card. My name is Chris, so on and so forth.
“What? You’re 10 cm tall? Impossible,” you might be thinking. Go and laugh at the guy who saved this world a couple hundred times. Yeah now it’s funny ain’t it, you 21st century geezer. Anyways, on with the story.
I sit in a cage. It’s a very good cage, you might think, but I hate it. I sit on my bed in a grumpy mood, after I’ve thrown my small-size iPhone 354 at the wall. Two giant eyes stare at me through the glass wall.
“Why are you looking at me like a lab rat? Do you see any fur on me?” I say.
“Come on, stop being so salty. You’re worse than usual,” the girl looking at me reply.
“I’ve used the lab rat thing a hundred times, this is very usual.”
“No, it’s your tone of voice. It’s a little bit higher than normal. Plus, you’re sitting in a slouch position, which is a sign of a negative emotion.”
“Psychology blah blah. Thank you so much, what do you want from me.” Her name is Alice, and I’ve been working with her for the longest time. She has “natural” purple hair (don’t ask me how) and a good body with a cute face slapped on it. I admit, I had a crush on her for some time, but when I asked her out she openly rejected me, which created a series of very awkward weeks. I almost couldn’t save the world, because every time I was woefully staring at her…you know what, bring in her identity card:
Code Name: Flame Thrower
Occupation: Special Fighter
Height: 162 cm
Weight: 63 kg
After woefully staring at her breasts (omg I actually said it please ignore) for a month or two, things kinda went back to normal between us. It’s been four years, and we never speak of it. She stopped teasing me, I stopped staring at her, for the most part, and everything became how it used to be, thankfully.
“So,” says Alice, “What makes you so grumpy today.”
“Fine, I am a little bummed,” I reply, “I was thinking about my state of living and fell into severe depression.”
“You mean, this cage you live in? It’s horrible, you truly are treated like a lab rat. Give me any complaints, I’ll say them to the boss for you. What is it, the dirty floor?”
“No, I don’t care about dirty or whatever.”
“Ok so you’re a male. How about, is it the glass walls? Does it suck being exposed all the time?”
“Everyone masturbates, I’m not ashamed of it, so no.”
“Ok so you’re uselessly brave. Is it the size? Even for someone like you this room does look a bit small.” This was true. It was like this bedroom sized looking thing was my entire house. But…
“No, I don’t care. Who needs a mansion when you have the necessitates.”
“Fine then, I give up. What the hell is it that you don’t like.” I take a deep breath. My moment of complaint has come.
“THE WIFI IS TRAAAAAAASH!” I yell, maybe a bit too loud. The normal sized room outside my small room goes quiet. My “cage” is placed in a science lab, which would not be a problem for me if the Wifi in this room was so damn slow because all those scientists are using it. I’m going insane because of it, and rightfully so.
“Oh…” Alice says, “I’ll tell the boss, I guess…” and she runs off. I sigh as I try to get my YouTube to work, but no luck.
“One day, I will move to a place with normal working Wifi, and till then, my journey continues,” I say in triumph. I see some people looking at my cage and face palming. Since Alice is gone, let me give you a sort of “world description”. Actually, too lazy, queue in the identity card:
Special identity card, with dialogue from Chris in italics and underline:
Code Name: World, I guess. Don’t say “I guess” you unprofessional ass.
Gender: 71% Water, 29 % Other. Water is a gender now, lol. Blame this stupid card.
Occupation: Big ass that carries everyone. Wtf is that even supposed to mean. Shut up.
Age: Just do the year. Ok fine. Year: 3017
Height: Very big. I would’ve said the same thing.
Weight: Heavyweight my brudda. “Brudda"? Really?
Notes: I don’t know what the hell to say. You serious Boss? It’s Earth! Super ez! Stop complaining Chris, I’m making this stupid card for you, and all you want to do is criticize. Here we go: apocalyptic world compared to that of a thousand years ago, with monsters and aliens popping up all over the place. I’mCool Inc. does the best to save the world. There, at least I’m done now. Done? No you’re not. Don’t make me do the stats. You’re doing the stats.
Stats: Please kill yourself.
Strength: Probably like 20. Excuse me only special people like me get higher than 10. EARTH IS SPECIAL!
Speed: 0 Because the Earth doesn’t orbit around the Sun. Aw crap.
Endurance: 20. Again with this crap. Come on, Earth took an asteroid to the face, and only the dinosaurs died. Earth was left with just a cold. A cold that may still exist called the Ice Age.
Type: Life. Last part was pretty legit.