Tanner stood on Ivory’s palm waiting for a caveat to her statement and nothing followed. He realized that she meant it.

“I was only going to the backyard.”

“My decision is final.” Her stonewall face was unchanged.

“Do you understand?”  Ivory mastered the art of maintaining a calm and subtle sternness in octave, it was the dreaded ‘mom voice’. Most impressive was that she pulled it off on a 3 ½ inch child.

Tanner recognized the look lodged in her eyes. Focused, expectant, and delivered a non-verbal cue that anything besides ‘yes’ was an unacceptable response. Ivory managing the balance of being gentle and firm without frightening him had a greater influence when coupled with the gaping size discrepancy between them that drained him of any resistance he had within. It was a tell-tale sign that an argument was over, not this time.

“No, I don’t understand.” Tanner said.

Disputes with Ivory were rare and when they did occur, she overruled all arguments with supreme authority. For a decision this massive however Tanner was adamant to have his opinion acknowledged too.

“Excuse me?” Ivory asked.

Holy crap. Tanner thought to himself, did he just question Ivory’s authority? If he wanted to backtrack here was his opportunity. Talking back to her felt unnatural and it would be much easier to oblige without complaint. However, if he wanted a level conversation about this it wouldn’t happen if, dare he admit it acted small.

“I said, I did not understand.” Tanner repeated.

Ivory remained paused to comprehend what she heard. “I don’t want you outside anymore… period.”

Tanner noted the faint change in her pitch. This was already beyond the average disagreement length and entering uncharted territory. His foreboding anxiety made worse by her last statement, noticing traces of her being displeased and annoyed.

“What about what I want?” Tanner said.

“What you want?!” Ivory’s voice climbed another octave. “This isn’t a matter of what you want Tanner, I’m your mother, I’m the adult, and I’m telling you this is what you NEED.”

Tanner bit his gums. Ivory’s unwillingness to listen and expecting him to comply by merit of her being the adult was infuriating and that wasn’t the worst of it. The hollow platitudes she used while holding him in the palm of her hand were beyond patronizing. In simplest form he was being told, ‘I’m big, you’re small. Listen.’  

“No, it isn’t.” Tanner clenched his fist.

If Ivory’s mind was a computer this would be the moment a not responding prompt would appear. Her traditional tactics in quelling his pushback have failed and left her with an unknown error without a solution. “Sweetie, I know what’s best for you-”

 “No, you don’t!” Tanner snapped.

The silence was palpable as they exchanged wide eyed stares after the unprecedented occurred.  Tanner was first to break eye-contact after the adrenaline from his flare in temper diminished and regret filled the void. Second by second it dawned on him what he did, he shouted at Ivory.

Anger was an emotion Tanner seldom expressed. It was a deceptive feeling that lapsed his judgement and made him forget he was the weaker party in every dynamic. Having this lapse towards a parent was bad enough, but how does one recover when your guardian was a towering giant whose physical and authoritative presence emitted the very essence of power? Tanner lacked an answer and couldn’t bear lingering in silence.

“M-mom…I’m sorry. Can you just-” In brief spurts he worked up the moxie to look up at Ivory. It didn’t elude him that his outburst squandered the potential of a productive conversation. Now here he was with his head hung like a dog caught defecating inside. “Talk to me like a regular person?” He uttered.

More harrowing seconds of silence ensued before Ivory spoke. “We’ve had this conversation a few days ago about you going out.”

“We have, but it’s different this time.” Tanner said.

“…” Ivory paused again, still digesting everything that was said before speaking again. “You want me to talk to you like a regular person?” She asked and rose to her feet.   

Alerts of déjà vu fired in Tanner’s brain when his elevation dropped and he was placed in his most vulnerable position, the ground where his standing in life was put into its harshest perspective. For many people staring at the night sky or pondering the vastness of space made them realize how small they were in the grand picture of existence. He only needed to compare himself to an average sized human to achieve that sensation.

“Tanner, if you weren’t my son there wouldn’t be a conversation, I wouldn’t entertain the thought of talking to you as a ‘regular person’ because you aren’t one. I would tell you that you’re not going outside and that would be the end of it!” Ivory spat.

The barbed candidness of her statement had enough truth behind it to hit Tanner square in the gut and hearing it at his lowest point down at Ivory’s feet left his resolve severely diminished.

 “Your legs are already shaking Tanner; do you really think you can handle being around people who are THIS BIG?” Ivory questioned.

Being in this similar predicament a week ago allowed Tanner to manage his composure better, but he could feel his spirit shrinking by the second under Ivory’s scrutinous gaze.

 “I… can handle it...” He murmured.

Ivory leaned closer cupping her hand behind her ear. “What was that? You’re too quiet sweetie, how is anyone supposed to hear someone so little if you don’t speak up.”

Tanner realized what Ivory was doing and faltering now would reinforce her perception of him as a feeble child in need of her endless coddling. Don’t act small, don’t act small, don’t act small. He repeated to himself ad nauseam to strengthen his will.

 “I can handle it!” He exclaimed upward to his looming mother.

“Can you now?” Ivory walked away.

Tanner watched as she neared his house on the dresser. In an abrupt motion her hand glided laterally and swatted it to the ground

Tanner’s jaw fell in tandem along with the structure until it hit the floor with a resounding crack. Wide-eyed he scurried over to his refuge, once a perfect cubic structure now damaged into trapezoidal shape courtesy of gravity, velocity, and Ivory.

 “Why did you do that!?” He screamed.

“Why didn’t you stop me?” Ivory responded.

“I... uh…”

“How are you going to handle it if a really big bully says they are going to crush your little house?”

To his horror Tanner realized that wasn’t a rhetorical question when Ivory’s foot hovered above the damaged structure ready to render it completely destroyed.

In a frenzy he rushed over and pounded at the foot of Ivory’s supporting leg to get her attention on anything besides crushing his house. “Mom, please! Don’t!”

Unfazed she looked down to him.  “Is that how you’re going to stop me? You’re going to beg?”

Ivory looked like a complete stranger right now to Tanner, the way she looked at him was not as her beloved son. Instead she looked down at him as the 3 ½ inch person who was powerless to stop her and reduced to a helpless victim watching as her foot lowered simulating time running out in an hour glass.

Tanner fell to his knees without a shred of hope to stop her and could only fallback on emotional pleas to her pity. “Please, I’m sorry! I’m begging you; I can’t stop you! I can’t!”

“Do you know why you can’t stop me Tanner?” Ivory lifted her sole up. “Because you’re small.”  Her answer capped off by driving her foot down with her full body weight producing an unpleasant dissonance by the structural pieces of the house snapping and the inside contents creaking into unrecognizable bits.

Ivory removed her foot to observe the dilapidated remains of what she destroyed. When her attention shifted to Tanner her heart fluttered at the sight of her son staring at her through the tears in his eyes with the same question that she was now asking herself… Why?

Speechless, she turned her back to retreat into the bathroom and shut the door.

Tanner’s Reminiscence VI: 1 Foot Under

“You’re about… 1 foot tall exactly.”

Being measured was the worst part of my physicals. It was when I couldn’t hide from how much I’ve shrunk and when the physician told me I was only 1 foot tall it hit me differently from every other measurement.

Until that point sheer denial was all that helped me cope through shrinking. I clung to the hope my shrinking would stop while I was still 2-3 feet tall. While far from ideal I could envision myself living some semblance of a normal life. Now that I was at a height resembling a children’s toy more than a person there wasn’t any more leeway to fool myself.

Denial transformed into depression, every inch meant more than ever, and it was near impossible for me to see where I belonged in a world so big. The only things that placated my mind were sleep (when I wasn’t having nightmares about shrinking into oblivion) and watching television.

“Hey, little bro can we talk for a second?” Ingrid asked, taking a knee by the sofa while I flipped channels.

The days of her crouching down to put us at marginally comparable heights were over and now even with her compromising her standing, she lorded well above me.

“Yeah?”

“I know that I can’t possibly understand what you’re going through but, you know no matter what everything will be okay and we’ll get through this together.” She said.

I appreciated her efforts to cheer me up, but I don’t think the greatest motivational speaker alive would’ve brightened my spirits. The reality was my peers were in as much denial as myself when I continued to shrink beyond anticipated and were adlibbing how to handle it from my physical needs and psychological wellbeing.

I scooted off the sofa and onto the floor. From the moment we met Ingrid was huge from my perspective. Then I shrunk and she was an amazon from my perspective. Then I shrunk more and she was a giant from my perspective. Now here I was having shrunk even more and I wondered for the first time, what did she see?

“Ingrid how do I look to you?”

 “I mean…” Ingrid scratched the back of her head stalling so she could think through her response. I know I blindsided her with a difficult question. Pointing out how tiny I’ve become would come across as mean and beating around the bush would be disingenuous. Her delay was all I needed to know.

 “Pretty small huh…”

“It’s going to be okay Tanner; I’ll still be here with you every step of the way.” Ingrid said, putting a hand on my back.

True to her word she went out of her way for me, passing on several opportunities to hang out with friends to make sure I wasn’t alone. With the reality of my limitations becoming more evident the simplest acts she did became grander. Her company made the coping process easier and even allowed us to joke about it from time to time.

“Ugh, soccer practice was brutal today. I thought those suicides would never end.” Ingrid groaned on the ground, recounting the events of her day. Living vicariously through her experiences helped alleviate the bitterness of not being in school anymore myself.

“If it makes you feel better it didn’t hurt me a bit.”

“Haha, maybe it’d make me feel better if you were the team’s foot masseuse.” Ingrid suggested instead.

“What!?” I waved my undersized hands in Ingrid’s sight line.  Do these hands look equipped to deal with your team’s sasquatch feet?

“All the better to work through every muscle.” Ingrid said.

“On second thought have fun with bunions.”

She must’ve sensed my restless nights where I was accompanied by my darkest thoughts and snuck into my room with her tablet to watch funny compilation videos and we’d drowsily chat about the most random of things until I feel asleep.

“What would you do if you were my size for a day?” I asked out of the blue.

“Hmm, I dunno. Ride on a paper airplane I guess.” Ingrid said.

“I think you’d die if you tried that.”

 “Kill joy, then let’s reverse the question. What if you were giant for a day, what would you do?”

“Bring destruction on every roller coaster on Earth.” I’ve always wanted to go to an amusement park. “You?”

“Let’s see, after I give Marcelle the biggest loogie in history I’ll go on and be the best goalkeeper to ever live.” Ingrid mused.

“Cheater.” I quipped.

“Am not. I can’t help it if I was big enough to block the entire net.” Ingrid countered.

Ingrid made my days bearable and I could never repay her for that. The only fact that soured it was she still had her own life to live that didn’t involve me and had a future out in a world that looked more foreign to me with every inch I lost.

How was it possible? Why did the household I spent so much time in look so different when nothing about it changed? Why did the world look so unrecognizable to me? Why did I avoid the obvious answer to the questions? I was too small for the world.

I did have one place for solace, a gift Julie had made for me that helped me feel a little less out of place in this big world.