Ingrid's Reminiscence III: Being Better

I wish I was nicer to Tanner early on. Sure I was going through my own issues, but I can’t begin to imagine what it was like going through life in his shoes. Just trying to describe what it’s like to be in the same household as someone who was shrinking leaves me grasping for words. Even saying “Tanner is shrinking”, alone sounds far fetched enough to earn some questionable glances if I said it in public. It was blatantly obvious that he was unusually small and the first time Ivory explained to me that he was literally shrinking I thought she was pulling my leg.

The only way I can think to describe it was like watching someone grow up in reverse. Being around him on a day to day basis the changes were subtle enough to where I didn’t always notice right away if he lost an inch or two, the ever increasing gap between our height told no lie though. Without measuring myself I could barely distinguish if it was me growing more or if he was shrinking whenever the gap widened. I won’t be dishonest enough to act like I cared a lot at the time, I was still hell bent in flaunting my superiority complex to Tanner in every way possible and having such a monstrous size advantage made it that much easier. Even on his best days he wasn’t exactly challenging, but at least capable enough to be a nuisance if I got too lackadaisical. But then 3'5 turned to 3'4, 3'3, and so on, once he was under 3'0 it was to a point where I wouldn’t be exaggerating to say anyone could beat him with their eyes closed. Despite not being able to see it right away if he shrunk, I could certainly feel in our competitions; each time he was a little weaker, slower, and easier for me to work over. No matter what it was he used to play like he had a shot at winning despite the lopsided odds. With every game l and inch of his height lost, that moxie dimmed to where he appeared resigned to impending defeat.

That was no fun for me who still had a lot of pent up aggression and since our contests weren’t a viable outlet anymore it started to seep out in the household.

One afternoon when we were 11 I entered the kitchen to see Tanner standing on a chair near the counter top as he tried to reach towards the back. “What are you doing?”

“Trying to get to the cookie jar.” It was adorable to see the 2’7 Tanner struggling to such lengths for a cookie, on the other hand it was pitiful to see the 2’7 Tanner struggling to such lengths for a cookie. Any decent sibling would’ve simply helped, in that moment though I could only think about showing him that the mountain for him to climb was a mow hill for me. Off the hunch I’m sure he was trying for a couple of minutes to get to it and the time it took for him to move the chair across the kitchen. All of that effort on his part and within 5 seconds I was able to walk over, reach to the jar, and take out a cookie.

“Uh-oh, looks like I got the last one.” I smiled dangling it in front of his face.

Though not as bad as I am at times, Tanner could still be a hot head and was understandably irritated. “I was here first though.”

“So? I got it first, if you want it then take it from me.”

I wanted to see it, I wanted to see him try and challenge me for it. I knew he wanted to do something about it, but he only looked down and sighed before walking way. “Why bother…” I think he whispered.

I put the cookie in my mouth as I watched him leave and something was off. Aside from not really wanting the cookie in the first place, it didn’t feel like a win at all. I wish I could slap myself from back then every time I pushed him around at home…

One time coming home after a hot and sweaty day of practice on the field I crossed paths with him in the hallway and I lifted him up and wiped my forehead off of the perspiration all over his shirt. If that wasn’t bad enough I lowered him and used his face under my sweating armpits, dragging it back and forth to clear it of any perspiration as well.

“Thanks squirt.” I patronized after sitting him back on the ground, it goes without mentioning he was repulsed to say the least.

Oh gosh, then there was the time where we were playing hide and seek. It was one of the few instances his stature played to his benefit and I had to consider the spaces he’d be able to fit that I wouldn’t consider if it were a normal sized person. I eventually managed to single out his hiding spot in a closet space, instead of going in to catch him I sat down in front of the door while he kept pounding on it for me to let him out. There’s enough stories for me to write a memoir on, it was a long time coming but the day finally came where things went too far.

It was on an weekday evening and I went downstairs to watch television and was greeted to the sight of Tanner already down there watching a basketball game. Obviously I wanted to watch a soccer playoff instead.

“Beat it runt.” Compared to the times where I've literally sat on him, it was nice behavior from me relatively speaking.

“I was here first.” Tanner answered and tried to tune me out by turning the volume up. Being a pretty big fan of basketball he wasn’t so willing to yield on this matter as he was with others. This time I doubled down and puffed up to appear more intimidating before asking again.

“Gimme the remote.”

“Make me.”

Those words caught me completely off guard considering his acquired meekness. Don’t get me wrong he was a pretty mouthy guy when he wanted to be, but it was a total 180 from his behavior at the time. Whatever caused it was no skin off my bones, those two words constituted a challenge in my mind.

“Oh really? Then we'll just play a game of uncle. If you quit, I get the remote, if I quit you get it.”

Whatever spunk he had disappeared instantly and regret came in its place. I basically gave him a challenge that was unwinnable, unless he was armed with a weapon he had zero chance of being able to make me physically succumb.

“N-never mind, just take the remo-” He wasn't getting off that easy, he turned his back and tried to hightail it out of there. Before he made too much ground, I used my better reach to grab him by the shirt and reel him back in. After getting acquainted with Blake's parents and learning Abel used to wrestle he showed me a couple of the moves he used back in his collegiate days. None of which should be practiced without proper gear let alone in a living room. That didn't stop me from using Tanner as a test dummy from time to time. Lowering my level I coiled my arms behind his legs and effortlessly scooped him off his feet, a double legged take down Abel said it was called. Tanner was looking for the first opportunity he could to quit and I wasn't going give it to him. While he was on his back, I pinned him down with my body for a mounted position. Having been in that spot before when Blake and I sometimes played around and wrestled I can attest it’s a crappy spot to be in especially with her being taller and slightly bigger than me. That meaning it must’ve been outright agonizing for Tanner to be in this spot when I was twice his size. Covering his mouth I made sure to prolong this as long as possible and pretend I couldn't understand him.

“Mmffmff...”

“Huh, what was that? You haven’t had enough?” His muffles grew louder as he kept trying to free himself. Uncovering his mouth, he started to utter the magic word but was cut off by me laying the entirety of my body over his both silencing and smothering him. I periodically eased up long enough for him to get a breath of air before collapsing back on him. If it wasn't getting dull, I could've kept at it all night if I wanted and he wouldn't have gotten close to escaping.

To keep it interesting I sat up and flipped Tanner over to his stomach. He got up to his knees looking to run again and was intercepted again by me coiling my bicep around his neck for what Abel said was a sleeper choke. I was at least mindful enough of my strength not to squeeze full blast and put him out, that would’ve found me in a world of trouble from Ivory who was upstairs on the phone. I squeezed enough that he was still in the hapless spot of having to continue the game where I wasn’t affording him the opportunity to give up.

Tanner caught onto my intent and instead of pleading was trying to find any chance he could to flee. He uselessly flailed around like a fish out of water and tried to uncurl my arm; my grip remained secure and stable and his small hands couldn’t phase me in the least.

“…” I couldn’t help but sigh, it was painfully easy. It was harder for me to find ways to amuse myself than it was to subdue him. Switching gears again I stood all the way up and twirled Tanner around right into a bear hug. Employing the same tactic, I kept his voice unintelligible this time by burying his face to my chest. He didn’t even have the strength to struggle or flail anymore.

“Aw, the pipsqueak is all tired out? Didn't you want to watch basketball?” I mocked him while harshly jerking his body back and forth. I thought for sure that'd get a rise out of him, it didn't. “What? You really taking a nap baby?” I shook him again and still nothing, that time I got worried.

“Tanner?” I let up on my squeeze and the answer to why he wasn’t doing much of anything became crystal clear once I saw his limbs dangling limp.

“Tanner, Tanner!” Ice went through my veins as I held him, at 11 years old my first thought was to assume the worst and fear he was dead. I lightly tried patting him on the face and shaking him much more gently to another non-response, I may as well have been holding a rag doll. Right when I was ready to call 911 he stirred in my grasp.

Those were the longest 30 seconds of my life, it was relieving to know he was alive, but his eyes were momentarily glassy and unfocused.

“…Tanner?” I said once it looked like he was all there.

Once his mind started filling in the gaps of what happened on instinct he jerked himself out of my hands and fell onto the floor (which also looked like it hurt).

“H-hey are you oka-” I wanted to help, but as soon as I took a step closer my entire body was paralyzed at the scene in front of me.

“Uncle...no more... please.. no more.”

Victory always felt fantastic and made me feel like I was 10 feet tall. Not in that moment, victory felt vile and revolting. Tanner was shaking. Tanner was whimpering. Tanner was crying. Tanner was scared. Because of me. Seeing another person in that state and realizing I was responsible for it rendered me mute. I didn’t know what to say, what to do, and I responded in the most cowardly way possible by walking away in shame. The sight of him on the floor burned in my mind with every step upstairs.

“I don’t care about that; I don’t want Tanner in school anymore!”

Hearing his name, I stopped in my tracks in front of Ivory’s shut door. I wasn’t entirely sure what the context of the conversation was, since she didn't know I was close I stayed and listened in.

“Let’s look at the cons here though mam’, this could be detrimental to his social skills.” That sounded like another female voice on speaker, I recognized it belonging to the principal.

“I don’t care if it will be detrimental to his social skills! What’s detrimental is the fact that so many kids are bullying him!” Ivory shouted.

“M-Mam, I assure you we’re taking this very seriously and bullying is not tolerated.”

“Clearly it’s not being taken seriously enough when I have to see him come home and ready to bawl his eyes out every day!” Ivory explained unable to keep her emotions in check.

“For the time being, bullies are not as likely to pick on people if Tanner hung around a group of friends as opposed to by himself.”

“Oh silly me, because it’s so easy for him to make friends when he’s half the size of everyone else. I’m done with this conversation. I’ll be up at the school later this week.” Hearing enough of the excuses Ivory hung up the phone and I bailed to my room before she figured out I was listening in.

… Guilt? No, that would put it too lightly. Ashamed barely began to do justice to heaviness in my heart. At no point did it ever cross my mind to how difficult of a time he may have been having in school. We went to the same school, but our schedules left us rarely crossing paths. Middle School was a wild time for kids as they transitioned into puberty, into teen hood, and started growing into their bodies. The girls got cattier and the boys definitely got more aggressive. Images flashed through my mind on the field day bullies must have been having on him. It was hard enough for a regular kid, for someone in Tanner's position? I bit my lip trying to imagine how much he dreaded going to school, each day being aware he was going into the lions den and each day they looked a bit bigger, fiercer, accumulating in making his current day harder than the last. That wasn’t the worst of it, the worst and hardest part for me to acknowledge was that I was no better. If they were making his life a living hell at school, I was doing the same at home. Why did I treat Tanner like that? Deep down, I knew the real reason why and taking it out on him didn’t help anyone. It didn’t give me what I truly wanted and left me feeling worse than I ever had. As for Tanner? I only succeeded in making him afraid of me.

The following day, Ivory went out to meet with the principal and Tanner understandably stayed home considering how bad his school situation was. She asked me to stay home as well to watch over him since it wasn’t getting any easier for him to navigate the house. In hindsight I’m amazed he never told Ivory about any of the things I did to him, granted that may also have been a byproduct of him being scared of what I may do in retaliation.

I picked a decent enough moment when he was flipping channels downstairs to confront him. Forget any soccer game playoff or brutal practice, trying to keep eye contact with Tanner after the way I was acting was the hardest thing I ever done in my life. I had to approach him in the same way you’d approach a deer. Slow steps, no aggressive posture, no sudden movements, all to ensure him that I was coming with no ill-intent.

I looked down to Tanner who was having as hard a time as me in making eye contact, it was subtle, but noticeable that he was shivering and it was breaking my heart. It's weird when you've known someone for so long and think that you still don't really know them. To this day I wonder wonder how often he thinks about shrinking, how much it consumes his thoughts, if he thinks it defines his life. I’ve never had the heart to ask him those questions, however as we looked each other in the eyes I saw a glimpse of his soul laid bare and could discern three things about him. One, Tanner knew he was small. Two, he was scared because he was small. And three, he was scared because he knew he was going to get smaller. It was then where I steeled my resolve to be the sister I should've been and the sister he needed. Without a word I softly herded him into my embrace, words weren't my strong suit in that instance they weren't necessary and he knew what I was trying to convey.

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If you ever had that sense of dread before going home because you knew something bad was waiting for you, that summed up all of Tanner's apprehension. The thought hovered around in the peripheries of his mind that he'd have to go back, he kept pushing it to the back burner every time he dwelled on it for too long.

“Thinking about what's going to happen when you're home?” Julie accurately presumed based on the faraway look in Tanner's gaze.

“Yeah.”

“You know I'm here for you right? If you need some more time, I'm sure Blake and company won't mind having you around a while longer.”

Tanner entertained the idea in his head for a moment, but ultimately decided against it. “It'll be weird going back home whether it's today, tomorrow, or next week. May as well not delay it and rip the band-aid right off.”

“That's headstrong of you.” Julie praised.

Tanner felt silly for being as shell shocked as he was once Julie pulled into the driveway. He was only gone for a day and a half; yet when that was the longest time he's spent away from home than he could remember that day and a half seemed like months.

Julie didn't even make it a few steps into the door before being met with an overjoyed Ivory.

“Oh my gosh sweetheart!” She practically snatched the boy out of Julie's hands into her own and started dotting his face with several kisses now that he was back in her vicinity. “I missed you so much.”

“Uh hey.” Tanner greeted. His return back to normalcy should've been great, yet he still had the sense that his world was in disarray; the cause was obvious.

Once her incessant smothering stopped, he noticed Marcelle standing a few paces away from his stepmother. “There's my favorite little guy, I missed you.”

Only a gag reflex would've been the appropriate response to her hollow pleasantry; since he couldn't manifest one on the spot he instead chose to not acknowledge her.

“Okay, okay, guys that's enough for the greetings. Lets get this done.” Julie cut in, instantly souring Ivory's uplifted mood.

“...I don't know why you're doing this now.” She grumbled.

“Because it'll be unhealthy and unproductive otherwise.” Julie countered.

“Uhuh.” Ivory begrudgingly rolled her eyes. Before giving Tanner one last quick peck on the head. “I'm sorry dear...I didn't want her to...we'll talk all about it later.” She said before reluctantly handing him back to Julie.

“Alright both of you upstairs now.” Julie ordered.

“I wish I could get video footage of how this goes.” Marcelle complained before heading upstairs. Ivory appeared to have her own reservations as well, but remained silent and followed suit.

Needless to say Tanner felt totally in the dark at the moment. “Okay, what the heck is with all the cryptic talk? What's going on?”

“As you said before... ripping the band-aid off.” Julie answered as she walked into the living room. Tanner was about to complain how that did little to answer his question until the meaning of her statement unveiled in full clarity once he saw who was sitting on the sofa, Ingrid.