“Just imagine it, Randy!  The screen is going to make a Jumbotron look like your smartphone!”

“Sounds little overwhelming,” I said, still unsure of the whole idea.

“Of course it’ll be overwhelming!  That’s the beauty of it!” Bryan said, his arms in the air.  “If you don’t get blown away by seeing Star Wars on a 1000-foot screen, then that’s your problem, buddy.”

“And you’re sure that they’ll let us in?”

“Yeah, it’s accommodating.  Parvians have our own special balcony!”

“Okay, okay, you’ve convinced me,” I conceded.  “But it’s going to take us two hours to get to the theater.  We’re going to have to head out pretty soon.”

Ever since Bryan and I became friends, there certainly hasn’t been a shortage of excitement.  He always has these grand schemes and shenanigans.  While I was fairly content staying in the suburbs and playing video games at home, that didn’t satisfy Bryan’s sense of adventure.  He was obsessed with the city and it seems like most of our exploits were set there.  Fortunately there was cheap and easy public transportation between here and there.  The bus wasn’t fast, but it sure beat driving and navigating the streets ourselves.  Even though Parvians had their own road system, they are right next to the Magnian streets.  Driving right next to their massive cars still made me feel uneasy.

The bus let us off right in front of the most gigantic movie megaplex I had ever seen.  Even for a Magnian, this place was enormous.  Bryan told me that it housed 25 screens!  And five of them were dedicated to Star Wars, with a different showing every 10 to 15 minutes.  Despite my initial skepticism, I was now pretty geeked out.  The tickets were not cheap, though not much more than the Parvian theater near home.  This was certainly going to be worth it.

“Can you believe they gave us free popcorn?” Bryan said excitedly as we walked from the concession stand.

“I mean, it’s Magnian sized...they only had to give us a couple of stray kernels,” I replied, taking a bite into the buttery popcorn puff that required both arms for me to carry.  

“Still!”

It was a long distance from the concession stand to Theater 14, but fortunately, this place was built with Parvians in mind.  There was a monorail than went from theater to theater!  Besides that, there were moving walkways to make the journey all that easier for us.  Before long, we had arrived.  Star Wars was waiting for us.

Bryan and I were speechless.  Walking into the theater, my entire field of vision was immediately filled by the silver screen.  It was a truly a marvel to behold and the projector hadn’t even started up yet.  We had arrived early to get good seats, which we were thankful for, as already the theater was filling up.  We couldn’t have been luckier: our seats were front and center!  In front of us, a guardrail separated the balcony from the rest of the hangar-sized theater.  Below us, a crowd of Magnians was filing in from both sides.  Several Parvians and Magnians alike were dressed in full costume.  As was predicted, this showing was sold out and not a seat was empty.  All of us were eager for the cinematic event of the year.

Soon, the projector fired up, the lights dimmed, and the first of the trailers started rolling.  Just when we thought Magnians were big, faces started filling up the gargantuan screen before us.  It was just a projection, of course, but if the actors and actresses were somehow able to come off the screen and into real life, they would tower over the tallest Magnian!  That, combined with the booming roar of the surround sound system, was going to be worth the cost of admission alone.

After nearly a minute of gaping in awe, I looked over at Bryan to give him a well-earned fistbump.  Surprisingly, though, he wasn’t even watching.  Sure, the movie hadn’t started yet, but I was a little annoyed to find him on his phone.

“Bryan, are you seriously kidding me?  Are you seeing what I’m seeing?  Get off your damn phone!”

He raised a finger, asking for one moment.  

“Dude, Facebook and Twitter can wait.”  

“I want people to know about this.  I want our friends to envy us.”

I sighed in disbelief.  “Whatever.  But if I see that anytime during the movie, I will literally chuck it down at the Magnians.”

Bryan paused, then shouted angrily, “Are you fucking serious?!”

I was taken aback by the severity of his response.  “I’m serious, man.  No phones!”

“No, not that.  Goddamn Kyle Wilson!”

“What?” I asked, perplexed.

“Kyle just posted a spoiler on Facebook!  And it’s huge!”

“Put it away,” I warned.  “Put it away right now, man.  I am fucking serious.  I do not want to see it.  I swear to you, if you ruin this for me…”

It was too late.  I don’t know what compelled him to do this--perhaps his own bitterness at having it ruined for him.  But Bryan decided to bring me down as well.  He shoved his phone in my face and forced me read what I did not want to read.  I attempted to avert my eyes.  I tried to not read it, but it was just one simple sentence--one that I will not even repeat here, lest I ruin it for anyone else.  In one split second, my evening was ruined.

My mind was a jumble of confusion.  My heart was a flurry of emotion.  Soon, only one feeling remained: rage.

“Geez, can you believe him?” Bryan huffed.  “Who does that?!”

I stared at my friend through squinted eyes.  “I’m going to kill you,” I said softly.

Bryan blinked, oblivious to my anger.

“Bryan,” I repeated, my voice quickly rising, “I am going to fucking murder you right now.”

My blood was boiling.  I lunged and throttled him.  Before he knew it, I started choking him with my bare hands.  Bryan’s eyes shot open as he quickly realized that I was not joking around.  

“Randy, stop!” he tried to garble out, unsuccessfully.

I wasn’t actually planning on murdering my friend in cold blood.  (Not in the presence of so many witnesses, at least.)  But I wanted to make him pay.  I wanted to make him afraid.

“Forget what I said about chucking your phone...I’m going to chuck you!”

I lifted Bryan up by the collar and shoved him towards the guardrail in front of us.  He struggled against me, but I was stronger and overpowered him.  We both looked down the long drop to the row of Magnians below us who were oblivious to the conflict above them.  I could see in Bryan’s eyes the look of pure panic.

“I didn’t mean it!  I’m sorry!”

Other Parvian theatergoers were starting to take notice.  I didn’t actually want to cause a scene.  Common sense was kicking in.  My anger was already diminishing, so I started to relent and ease up on him.

“Whatever,” I said, taking a deep breath, “It’s just a movie.”  Just for good measure, I shoved him one last time.

And with that, the guardrail keeping us on the balcony snapped.

I watched the world go by in slow motion.  Bryan flailed his arms and legs as he fell backwards through the air.  I followed closely after him.  He was just out of arm’s reach.  I tried to grab him, though I don’t know what I would have done even if I could.  Nothing was going to stop our fall now, except for whatever hard surface was directly below us.  

Adding to the drama of the moment was a very familiar, sudden blast of trumpets immediately preceding the scrolling of yellow text gliding up the screen.  “Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away…”  But despite how long I had waited to see those words, my mind was focused on what was happening right here and right now.

Bryan’s screams were inaudible over the movie’s soundtrack blaring in Dolby Digital Surround Sound.  He still continued wailing while I silently closed my eyes and awaited what was due me.  The room was dark, and perhaps this was for the best.  I didn’t want to see what was coming.

Suddenly, we stopped falling.  Bryan stopped screaming.

I opened my eyes.  It was even darker and I could no longer see the movie screen, though I could still clearly hear the music.  Everything smelled like...butter.  I knew where we were.  We were saved by popcorn!   

I whooped in elation and started to look for Bryan.  There were very few places we could have landed that could have given us better chances of survival.  I really hoped that he had landed safely, as well.  

“Bryan, where are you?” I said, still trying to shout over the sounds of John Williams’ orchestra.

“Over here, dickhead,” Bryan said from the other side of the tub.

“Dude, I am so sorry.  I had no idea,” I said, apologizing profusely as I made my way to him.  Movement was difficult considering the size of each warm, buttery puffed kernel, but not impossible.

“Whatever, Randy.  Let’s just get out of here.”

“You mean out of this giant container filled with some Magnian’s delicious theater snacks?  Yeah, good idea.”

As the shock of the fall was wearing off, the continued precariousness and danger of our situation was very quickly being realized.  Parvians know better than to hang out with Magnian food, especially in dark places where people tend to indiscriminately shove food in their mouths without even looking at it.  We needed to make our exit immediately, but unfortunately it appeared that the Magnian had been busy during the previews, as nearly a third of the popcorn had already been consumed.  The rim was well out of our reach.

We shouted at the Magnian above us, trying to get their attention, but it was of no use.  She was a young woman with her dark, brown hair braided into the iconic Princess Leia buns.  Her wide-open eyes were transfixed upon the screen in front of her, already gripped in excitement by the dramatic tension of the opening scene.  While her mind was fully devoted to thinking about what she was seeing, her hands were on a mission of their own.

Long, slender fingers descended above us like a claw machine, grabbing a handful of popcorn, which for us was quite literally a truckload.  A dozen kernels were scooped up then slowly raised to Leia’s mouth.  Her lips parted as wide as they could, forming a perfect “O” while the wall of her hand shoved the offering inside.  Her jaws made quick work of the handful, easily crushing the puffs until they were ready to swallow.  

Bryan and I stared slack-jawed in awe at just how much food she had casually consumed, not realizing how quickly she was coming back for more.  Before we knew it, a wall of fingers surrounded us on all sides, glistening with salt and melted butter.  The very ground below us was lifted into the air...and we, along with it.

“Quick, Bryan!  We have to think quick!” I shouted, trying to keep my cool while under pressure.  

We had mere seconds to think of a plan.  Fortunately, we had some training on our side.  While it had been centuries since Parvians had been on the snack menu for Magnians, situations like this were not too uncommon.  It was never intentional, but when Parvians are perfectly morsel-sized for them, accidents happen.  When they do, we have to be ready to think on our feet.  I could tell already that Bryan had a plan.  

“Okay,” he said.  “Shoot the chute?”

“Yeah,” I nodded, knowing exactly what he meant, “Let’s do this.”

When our ascent ended, we were face-to-face with “Leia.”  Behind us, a desert scene was being projected on screen, brightly illuminating the entire theater and completely capturing Leia and the other theatergoers’ attentions.  She stopped her chewing and paused for a moment, too engrossed in the current action to continue.

“Get ready.”

Leia swallowed and the mouthful of popcorn went down in a momentary bulging of her neck.  Immediately, her mouth opened, ready to take in the contents of her hand--popcorn, Parvians, and all.  There was plenty of room in her cavernous mouth for all of us and more.  Rows of teeth formed twin ivory “U’s,” with small remnants of popcorn and kernels strewn about her tongue.  In the back of her mouth, streams of saliva framed the entrance to her throat, her uvula greeting us in the distance.

That was our target.  Bryan and I each grabbed the closest kernels of popcorn to us and raised them above our heads.  We each had one shot.  Like Luke Skywalker and the Red Squadron, Leia’s throat was our small exhaust port.  As soon as it came into full view, I hurled my piece of popcorn as hard as I could.  It flew directly into her mouth, over her lips and tongue, but bounced against her hard palate and landed by her back molars.  I missed!

Our fate was in Bryan’s hands.  If he missed, we were snack food.  We only had a split second before we were dumped into her awaiting mouth and seconds away from being crushed to death by her teeth.  

“Use the force, Bryan!”  

Without wasting any time, Bryan took a deep breath and hurled the kernel with all of his might.  It sailed through the air with all deliberate speed.  Like Luke’s proton torpedo, it was a direct shot and disappeared into the depths of her reactor core--er, esophagus.  

Fortunately, Leia did not explode in a spectacle of mass destruction.  But she did explode into a fit of coughing as she unexpectedly started choking on popcorn.  Her eyes shot open and her other hand covered her mouth as she hacked and hacked on the kernel lodged in her throat.  She reached for her soda and started gulping down torrents of Pepsi.  Tears were welling in her eyes until it appeared that she was finally able to swallow and force the popcorn down her throat.

“Kelsey, are you okay?” said her friend that was sitting next to her, vigorously patting her back.

“Yeah, I’m fine.  I just...I dunno.  Wait a minute...” she said, finally examining at her palm.  “Oh my God!”  

In her hand on top of a pile of popcorn, two Parvians waved hello.

Outside the theater, we had an argument in front of the manager.  

“They could have killed me!  What if I had actually choked?!”

“Well, she could have killed us!  We were about to get munched!”

“Ugh, not like I would even want to,” she said with a shudder.  “And It wouldn’t have been my fault.  What the hell were you doing in my popcorn?!”

“That’s their fault!” I shouted, pointing at the manager.  “The stupid guardrail broke and we fell from the balcony!”

“Witnesses say that you two were roughhousing and broke the railing in a fight.  Is that correct?”

The heated conversation continued for several minutes before it was mutually decided that it would be best if we all moved on.  No one was going to press charges.  This was all just an series of events which fortunately ended up with no one majorly injured.  For that, we were all thankful.

Bryan and I did end up seeing the movie a few days later...in a Parvian theater.  Despite the negative associations I’ll always have in my memory, it was actually a damn good movie.  And there’s one thing that even to this day Bryan and I can agree upon: Kyle Wilson can go to hell.