My Name is Ethan and although I’ve been through a lot of strange stuff in my life, I’ve never had the feeling that telling someone about it would help me to get over it. So one day I decided to write it all down and maybe one day someone will read about all those strange things and will realise that there are things going on in this world that we basically cannot understand. I’ve never been the type of man that believed in extra-terrestrial or supernatural stuff. Actually I always was an average atheistic and science-orientated guy. Well until I started to read. Till I became twelve I disgusted to read books especially when in school. I preferred watching a few TV-shows and playing with several consoles as long as my parents would allow me to do so.
Well today I’m really happy that I’ve been restricted in these matters when I was a youngster. I remember it as if it were yesterday, when I came from school with a really bad grade on my German exam and my parents went really mad. Of course they didn’t really show me… No they just pretended to be just really disappointed and they tried to figure out what caused this failure in the exam. Well the obvious reason was that I haven’t read the book we wrote the exam about. But bloody hell I was twelve. Which twelve year old kiddie wants to read Sophie’s World a book which is actually pretty long and tough for this age? But well of course most of the other pupils had read it or they at least looked up a summary in the internet. I only had two hours of internet per day and I wanted to use them for relaxation.
My parents shut down my TV and my computer and gave me an ultimatum until which I had to read the book and write a decent summary about it or they would not allow me to play and watch for at least three months. So I had three weeks to read the book and write a summary. And when I started to read it attentively so I would be able to write that summary, I kind of started to like it. Not only the book but the whole process of reading.
After a few days had passed I was nearly through the book and was zealous about how these letters were capable of educating and entertaining me at the same time. By that time I already had learned much about the western philosophy which is the main subject in the given book. And when I had finished the book it was easy to write the summary. My parents were exalted about my sudden enthusiasm and that I had fulfilled the task in less than a week. So I was allowed to watch TV again and play on my consoles. But I wouldn’t… Well I did sometimes and it was still fun of course but I had learned to use my time to read stuff. Not only books we had to read for school, no actually I still disliked it when I had to read a book for school but when it came to my leisure I started to read both trivial novels and philosophic literature. Till the age of fourteen I had read Nietzsche and Kant, Hesse and Poe, Shakespeare and Descartes. My parents and most of all I guess my friends were pretty shocked about my change. Formerly I used to be an ace in maths but my grades there slowly began to drop from A’s to B-`s while my average German and Ethic grades jumped from C’s to A’s.
I began to use the internet to do research, for I had not enough books to read at home. The internet was and still is full of information about everything. I really felt dumbfounded back then when I realized this, for I had only used it to play multiplayer-games. The word only is the significant thing here. As I said I still play these games sometimes more often sometimes less. But One day, I believe I was still fourteen, I thought about a strange fantasy I had back when I was eight or even younger. A fantasy that had occurred in my mind once in a while since then.
It was the thought of being shrunken down to a very small size of maybe three to five inches. I was imagining several different reasons for this event to happen. Sometimes I thought about knowingly being shrunken by someone I know. And other times it just happened and I was around other people without them knowing that I was shrunken in their presence. A strange thought isn’t it? On that day where I reminded these thoughts I felt the urgency to look that up in the internet. A lot of people would be surprised of what I found. I started to watch videos or read comics about people being shrunken in a variety of different conditions. And it kind of became an addiction.
From then on these fantasies became a constant part of my life without me knowing anything about their origin and what my addiction to these scenarios meant. But it sure changed the way I saw the world. My former scientific view of the world was replaced by a certain belief in things most other people would define as impossibilities. At the same time I began to develop a certain interest in feet and even more in the socks covering them. I always had a lot of friends in school and not few of them were female’s.
As puberty kicked in I quickly realised its impact on my reading capabilities in terms of attention I was able to pay to the books I was reading. I started to socialise more in my leisure instead of reading. When I reached the age of fifteen I was basically reading less than a quarter of what I’ve been reading with thirteen. Instead I hung out with my friends and when I came home I started watching videos of people being shrunken and most of the times humiliated or crushed unwarily. I then started to replace the characters with my friends and myself in my imagination.
The fascination for these fantasies seemed to increase day by day. But still I did not talk to my friends about it. I was pretty sure they would not understand like they did not understand my fascination for philosophy and classic literature. In my mind, a strange contradiction occurred. On the one hand I was convinced that the human race needs a strong moral-philosophic basement to sustain. On the other hand I wished to be shrunken down by people and then be handled like an insect. If it weren’t for all these videos of people calling themselves giantesses and then seeming to joyfully squish tiny people I would have been convinced that no person would do such things if they’d found a shrunken human.
This thought was one of the main reasons why I preferred the unaware scenarios. They seemed to be the most coherent stuff to find in the internet. But still I struggled with the philosophical aspect of these fantasies. I would never be okay with people doing this to other people.
Why would it make a difference if it was me who was getting humiliated and possibly even killed? Do I want to die?
This question made me dissociate myself from the subject and I stopped watching these videos or reading manga’s with this theme. I started to inform myself about psychology ordered lots of books and started reading again. Within that year I found out a lot about my world view but this is not the time for me to explain it.
The first part of my stories begin when I reached the age of sixteen and as I suspect you to be most curious about what I’ve experienced back then I guess I will bore you with the details of my development on another day. Let me tell you about these days a while after I turned sixteen.