The door exploded inwards with an almighty crash, showering the floor with splinters and flooding the room with light. Kevin tumbled off his computer chair, yelping in surprise and fright as he hit the ground. Pop music of a kind he had never heard before filled his ears as he shielded his eyes from the glare, the silhouette of a tall, slender woman filling the doorway.

“HEL-LO FRIEND, you’re live on the air with Galagame TV, pull up your boxers and put on your finest pair of socks, it’s time to play!”

“What the fuck even are you talking abo-“

“Easy now friend! This show is for all ages, no need to cuss!”

Strutting into the room, Kevin dimly made out an explosion of shiny green clothes that clung in a bizarrely pleasing manner to the curves of the purple-skinned woman. Reaching down, she seized him by the hand and pulled him to his feet, giving him a hearty slap on the back. Even standing straight, the six foot tall Kevin was still dwarfed by the vertically blessed female, who easily had another two feet on the confused young man.

“C’mon out and meet the rest of the contestants!”

“Contestants?! What is this, who are you?!”

“Don’t be shy; you must be a big fan of Galagame TV young man, what’s your name?”

“Galagame?” Kevin responded in an utterly bewildered voice, dragged out the door of his room and into a vast, steel arena. The room was massive, easily the length and breadth of a small town, and around its perimeter was a crowd that would’ve made the Earth’s largest football fanatics blush and back down. He couldn’t make out anything distinct through the glare of the roving spotlights and the dazzle of his own senses, but only a small fraction of the onlookers seemed to be humanoid.

“Yes sir; Galagame! The galaxy’s favourite interplanetary game-show! But what’s your name shorty?”

A laugh erupted from the audience, and Kevin realized that the entire stadium could hear their conversation. He swallowed in shock, pausing a moment to collect himself before replying.

“Kevin?”

“Wonderful to have you on the show Kevin! And in honour of you being one of our few contestants to have been randomly selected from such a sparsely populated area of the galaxy, we’ve added a game to the roster from your very own planet!”

“Oh… good?”

“I assume you’re familiar with…” The tall woman gestured to a circle of beautifully polished stools forged from a type of metal Kevin had never seen before, “MUSICAL CHAIRS!”

“… Am I asleep?”

“This is no dream my friend! Your favourite sport has been reborn in the Galagame arena, and now you’ll have an opportunity to win fame, glory and eternal bragging rights for your home planet – if you’ve got anything to say to your family back home, say it now because no doubt they’re watching and cheering!”

Kevin wasn’t sure if there was a camera anywhere around here, so he picked a random direction and spoke blankly, “Binary, if you slipped something into my coffee I swear to God I will end you.”

The audience erupted into laughter once again as the announcer chortled at the perceived joke. Despite his vague hope that this was all just a royally fucked up dream, Kevin desperately wished that he’d been wearing something more flattering than Pokemon boxers and a singlet.

“Well Kevin of Terra, the rest of the contestants are already waiting! You already know the rules, so we won’t waste time with it; let’s get you set up and we’ll be ready to roll after a short ad break!”

In a heartbeat, the woman’s excited, friendly demeanor vanished and her shoulders sagged. With an audible sigh she trotted briskly over to the stools, dragging Kevin by the wrist.

“Sorry about all the mess with your door, the company likes to make a big show. We’ll see that it’s replaced so don’t you worry about that. Here, take a seat.”

Kevin’s head was still spinning, though he’d mostly adjusted to the atmosphere of blinding lights and the deafening crowd. Having arrived at the stools, Kevin was mid-way through lowering himself into one when a voice barked up at him.

“Oy! Watch where you’re sitting jackass, get yer own spot!”

Leaping back to his feet in surprise, Kevin peered down at the stool, only to discover the indistinct shape of what looked like a praying mantis in tiny, khaki coloured jeans. With an aggravated look, the mantis jabbed a claw over at the adjacent seat.

“Over there wise-ass!”

“… You’re a talking bug.”

“And you’re ugly as sin, MOVE!”

Reaching up to touch his own face to make sure this was all real and not just an alarmingly real case of sleep paralysis, Kevin stumbled over and seated himself with a deflated noise of resignation. The moment his backside hit the stool however, he felt a jolt of something undefinable shoot up his spine, his vision completely blocked by a soothing cavalcade of colours. Within the swirling palate the words ‘Transformation in Progress’ appeared, prompting Kevin to attempt to blink the image away without success.

After thirty seconds, the sign vanished from his gaze, and the young man let out a terrified shriek at the sight that greeted him. The purple stool on which he had been firmly seated now stretched out on all sides to the same degree that the stadium had prior. He scrambled back from the edge, the drop now considerably higher than it had been before, but the reality didn’t hit him until he caught sight of the announcer. Kevin had seen some skyscrapers in his time, but a stationary block of glass and concrete was nothing in comparison to the shifting, glistening pillar of flesh and latex that stood before him. Each ‘modest’ breast was the size of a decent mountain, her limbs appearing long enough to reach across an entire city without effort. As his gaze travelled down her body however, a feeling of absolute dread clutched his gut at the sight of her bottom. He hadn’t noticed it at first, fixated as he was on her skin, her clothing and indeed the entire Galagame stadium, but her hips were positively colossal. They certainly weren’t disproportionate, and they still would’ve earned the Earthly description of ‘big round bubble-butt’ had Kevin still been at his normal scale.

But Kevin wasn’t at his normal scale, and the ass that rippled like an ocean each time it moved beneath its tight, green latex was making him like the sound of ‘Musical Chairs’ less and less each second.

In an attempt to distract himself from that prominent posterior, Kevin turned and glanced around at the other stools. Most of them were too far away to get a good look at, but the distant shapes he spied were utterly unrecognizable regardless. With a sinking feeling, he realized that the praying mantis was probably the closest thing he was going to see that was anything close to familiar. Glancing over at the mantis, he saw the thing press its pincers to its face and suck in a deep breath.

“OY, SKINTUBE! I’D START PRAYING IF I WERE YOU, ‘CAUSE IF I WIN THIS THING TONIGHT, I’M TAKIN’ YOU HOME AS MY PRIZE – THE WIFE LOVES THE TASTE OF TERRANS!”

Kevin shuddered and made the most obscene gesture he could manage in response.

“And we’re BACK on the air!” The booming voice sent the tiny man crashing to his knees, his palms pressed to his ears in agony. Forcing open his watering eyes, Kevin saw the announcer strolling around the circle of stools, her figure jiggling in a horrifyingly hypnotizing manner as she went.

“Welcome back viewers to Galagame! Our latest contestant is Kevin from Terra and he has brought with him his culture’s favourite game: musical chairs!” The crowd bellowed in delight as a floating sack that resembled a fried potato in a flight-suit wafted over to the announcer, a hairy appendage snaking out of one of its lumps and tying a blindfold onto the woman.

“In a few moments,” she continued as the cloth was administered, “the game will commence. For those of you at home who don’t know the concept, musical chairs is a game of barbaric elimination on Earth that is performed in celebration of a Terran’s successful ability to stay alive. Music will play as I make my way around the circle of stools, and each time it stops, I will immediately drop myself into a sitting position. Normally, this game is played with multiple normally sized contestants, with one less chair than there are players, with the number diminishing each time someone is left out. However, as with all our Galagame contests, we’ve added our own unique spin! In our version, the contestants will be on the stools themselves, and each time one of them is sat on, they will be removed!

As per usual, Galagame has taken the liberty of using our trademark stools of strength, so each contestant has had their natural toughness amplified ten-fold to help them survive the impact, so no harm will come to them, unless they’re just that flimsy to begin with.”

The crowd roared in laughter at the joke, leaving Kevin to ponder if ten times his daily regimen of zero pushups was going to be enough to survive getting sat on by a woman big enough to obliterate his entire state.

He doubted it.

“The winner of course will be allowed to choose any prize they so desire from within our extensive catalogue and Galagame will make it happen! Now then, LET’S PLAY!”

Kevin immediately went into full panic mode as the alien music began, a sort of synthetic melody that sounded like Enya getting probed with an auto-tuner. The thundering footfalls of the announcer sent quakes shooting up the tiny man’s legs as he dashed about in terror, unsure whether to dive off the edge of the stool in protest or throw himself flat on his face and hope for the best.

The sound died off, and his eyes glanced skyward.

Nothing.

BOOM! He whirled around and saw the rump of the purple-skinned woman three stools away, grinding playfully back and forth as the audience cheered. She giggled and stood up, reaching down gingerly and peeling a creature that seemed to be comprised of living, mossy boulders off her ample buttock.

“Oop, by the feel of it, I think that,” she made a noise that sounded like she’d just swallowed an entire spanner, “has been eliminated! Better luck next time!” With a casual flick of her wrist, the creature sailed through the air in a graceful arc, rapidly regaining its mighty size before landing with a heavy ‘CRASH’ just beyond the bounds of the arena. It clambered into a standing position and trundled off in a disappointed manner. Well, as disappointed as a stack of rocks can look.

The music started up again, and Kevin’s mind raced. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad; I mean that guy was okay right? And he was…  made of rocks… Kevin wasn’t made of rocks. Oh fuck was he ever not made of rocks. The reality of this statement sank into his brain as the music halted again. With an almighty ‘WHUMP’, the announcer dropped herself onto the stool beside Kevin’s – though sadly not the one with the mantis. He shrieked in terror as the shockwave knocked him over, a grinding, crunching sound audible in a muffled way from under her colossal caboose.

“Ew… ew I think that…” the woman stood, feeling about on her backside. Kevin saw the remains before the announcer’s fingers reached them, and even though he had no idea what the critter had been before, the sight of its splattered corpse made him feel sick to his stomach. “Yes indeed, it seems that Narbalakalola has lost yet another body! May his next host be sturdier than this one!”

The audience cheered and chuckled in equal measure as the announcer casually continued to stroll around the ever-decreasing circle, music belting into Kevin’s ears as he stared at the squashed remains on the titan’s butt. That was going to be him. He was going to die. Ten minutes ago he’d been chatting to strangers on the internet and eating mini-cupcakes, and now his life was going to end under a bottom big enough to squash everyone he’d ever known and loved in a single go without even noticing. No matter how gorgeous the announcer was, dying under her ass wasn’t exactly what he had planned for the evening.

Without hesitation, he charged for the edge of the stool. Even if he died from the fall, he’d rather go out on his own terms than get crushed to death for the entertainment of billions. Closing his eyes, he let out an almighty shout and hurled himself into the air – and felt himself clattering back onto the stool a moment later, skidding on the polished surface. Some unseen force had swept him right back onto the seat… he was stuck.

So stunned was he by this development that Kevin barely even registered the ‘CRUNCH’ as the announcer landed two stools away.

“Woop, there goes,” the noise that left her lips wouldn’t have been amiss coming out of an old dial-up modem, “a little bit crumpled, but he’ll pull himself together before next time!”

“JUST YOU AND ME LEFT YOU DOPEY FUCK!” The mantis hollered at him from across the stool, “HOPE YOU’RE AS STRONG AS YOU ARE UGLY; WIFE HATE’S SQUISHY FOOD!”

The melody played out as the announcer sauntered around the final two stools, her fingertips idly tracing the edges of each one as she went. It was clear that the tune was being prolonged for the final spin, with both Kevin and the Mantis watching with baited breath…

… silence.

The shadow loomed over the tiny man as the announcer halted, her perfectly gigantic rump turning on the spot and dropping towards him like a descending sky of skin-tight green latex. He didn’t even have time to let his life flash in front of his eyes before the twin-mountains of purple ass-flesh had crashed down on his helpless little form. Despite being made artificially stronger than any man who had ever lived, Kevin may as well have been a mosquito for all the good it did him.

Snuffed out in a heartbeat, the tiny man’s entire existence was reduced to a little red smudge on the backside of the alien game-show announcer. She made her ceremonial bounce and wiggle before hopping back to her feet. Feeling about in futility, a look of concentration crossed her face as she sought out the remains of whoever she’d just sat on.

“Well… that’s… hmm… Gosh; I guess by process of elimination, it must’ve been Kevin! Barely left an impact did he?” Removing her blindfold, she peered down at the insignificant smudge on her buttock. Shrugging in disdain, the announcer gave a knowing smile to the audience, “Oh well, that’s Terrans for you; if you don’t watch where you’re going you could sit down and obliterate their entire race!”

The crowd hooted with laughter as she turned to announce the winner, casting the defeated little man from her mind. Though Kevin would be quickly forgotten on Earth, he would be forever remembered in the Galagame Hall of Fame:

‘Kevin of Terra: Appeared – Episode 4533 – Survived Zero Games - Weakest Contestant on Record.’