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The huge horse gave a slight jump.

            “What is it?” Frank asked his friend, who was now wide eyed.

            “I think something just…”

            “What?” Frank asked again, growing annoyed.

            “Something just…”

            “Spit it out!”

            Carl turned slowly to his friend, his eyes trembling, and his face pale. “I think that fly just crawled up my butt.”

 

              Nick couldn’t help himself. This must be what true love feels like. A horse’s ass.

            There could be no sweeter sensation for a fly. Being covered, disgusting head to vile toe, with the terrible substances that called the horse home. Eagerly Nick rolled around, making sure to cover his entire body, a wide smile plastered on his face all the while.

 

            “What did you just say?” Frank said, on the verge of laughing.

            “Its not funny,” Carl replied in a horse whisper. (Ha! Get it, a horse whisper!)

            Frank snorted with delight, masking it with a poorly done fake cough. Once he was able to control himself, he said, “Of course not.”

            “Well what do I do?”

            “Ah, the great question that has troubled philosophers for ages. If a fly happens to crawl up my bum, what is the best course of action to remove said fly?”

            “Stop making fun! This is serious.”

            “Dude, calm down.” Frank tossed his head to the side, rolling his eyes widely. “Man, what crawled up your ass and died?”

            “Just tell me how I can get it out!”

            “You could try sitting on it.”

            “That’ll force it deeper.”
            “You could try asking nicely.”

            “You got me into this, damn it! You could at least help me out.”

            “I could, but that would be a lot less fun.”

            “Wait, I think I have an idea.”

            “Well try it then, and stop bugging me.”

 

            Nick, now thoroughly engulfed in the horse’s hole, was far to busy enjoying the rich bounty of treasure that he had found within to notice the movement all around him. So complete was his ecstasy that he failed to feel the walls closing all around him. It was only when his body was on the verge of popping was he snapped out of his stupor.

            “Wait,” he said, realizing something was wrong. “Was it always so tight in here?”

            With one perfect flex, the horse was able to squeeze its immense muscles together. The walls of Nick’s prison pressed on, the powerful body pushing in on him from all directions. Finally, and with the satisfying pop that accompanies the squish of a bug, was the poor fly’s life ended.

            Or, at least it would have been if not for the immortality, but we’ll come back to that later.

 

            “Did you get it?” Frank asked his partner nonchalantly. 

            “I… I think so.” A bit of the color was returning to the horses face, although it still looked long, but that might just be genetics.

            “Well that’s good. Nothing worse than having a bug up your ass.”

 

            The incessant wiggling stopped for a moment, which was really the worst part of the whole ordeal. The thing was dead, and that’s all that mattered. Carl could continue about his day as usual, only slightly traumatized.

 

            Although Carl thought that the experience was over, he was wrong. If only he had talked to the fly for a few seconds, he might have learned that he was immortal.

            Nick regenerated his body quickly, coming back into consciousness with a big smile on his face. He remembered exactly where he was.

            “Silly horse,” he whispered to himself. “Can’t kill me that easily.” He could still see the faintest speck of light in front of him. He dusted some brown sludge off of his shoulder confidently, and then started his crawl out from the horses rear.

 

Carl’s eyes went wide once again. His partner noticed, and gave a labored sigh before saying anything.

“What is it now?” the horse asked.

“Frank…” Carl said, his face as white as a ghost. Well, that doesn’t really make that much sense does it? Ghosts can be all sorts of colors. The guy from ghost busters was green! So a better saying would be, his face was as white as the sheet a kid uses to pretend to be a ghost when his mom forgets that it’s Halloween and is forced to quickly throw something together at the last minute. Yeah, that just flows of the tongue, doesn’t it? Carl continued, saying, “I think it’s moving again.”

“Again?” Frank asked mockingly. “Are you sure its not a new fly? Your ass can be pretty appealing. Remember that time we went down to the derby and those guys where checking you out?”

“I told you never to speak of that!”

“I remember there was that huge, pure black Philly who was making googly eyes at you.”

“I said shut it!”

“Didn’t he give you his phone number?”

“Why must you mock me? There a damn fly in my ass, show a little sympathy!” Frank sighed. He tried to feel bad for his friend, but it was just not going to happen. When a friend tells you that a fly crawled up his ass, you laugh.

“Well what do you want me to do about it? I could go into that restaurant and see if they have a plunger I could borrow.”

“No, I don’t think that would be the best solution.”

“How about I give that Philly a call! He would be more than willing to check up there for you.”

“No!”

Frank rolled his eyes. “Damn Carl, I just don’t know what you want from me. Those were two very good ideas.”

“Could you just… I don’t know. Check it out for me?”

“Carl, are you asking me to look inside your butt?”

There was a brief, but intensely awkward pause. “Well…” Carl stammered. “Yeah. Just see if you can do anything.”

“About the fly in your butt?”

“Yes.”

Frank groaned loudly, throwing his head back for effect. “Carl, I don’t know what you would ever do without me.” The horse turned around, trotting towards his friend’s rear end.

“Thanks,” Carl called down to him.

“Don’t talk,” Frank replied, his face only about a foot away from the others behind. He was starring intently at the darkened hole in the center, waiting to see anything unusual. Then his thoughts drifted to how unusual he must look at this moment. He chose to ignore those thoughts.

“Look mommy!” a young boy called as he and his mother passed by the pair. “That horsey is sniffing the other one’s butt!”

“Yes he is,” the mother replied. “Horses are much less civilized than us humans.”

“But wait,” the child said, now with a confused look on his face. “Weren’t you doing the same thing to daddy last night? In bed?” The mother’s eyes opened wide in terror. For a moment, she didn’t say anything, the boy’s inquisitive eyes burning into her skull.

“Um… That was something different. Don’t talk about that.” Before Carl could hear the rest of the exchange, the pair shuffled down the street, the crowd quickly masking their speech.

Great Frank thought to himself. Now I’m less civilized than a smelly human!

 

Chapter End Notes:

I can't believe i actually wrote half the stuff that i put in this chapter. Oh, humiliation.

 

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