Chapter 1: Princess Liz

Meanwhile, in Los Angeles...

He drove the forklift carefully, careful not to spill the container he was carrying. To his right he could see the Princess’ immense outdoor pool, the water reflecting bright sunlight and stretching on for half a mile in each direction. From here, it looked as vast as the ocean. He drove along the wide concrete platform around the pool. Now and again he had to swerve around huge craters in the concrete. They were dotted in two rows, one of them every hundred feet or so. Each shallow crater was shaped and indented like a woman's foot. They looked like footprints in the sand, yet each of them was as wide and long as a schoolbus. The driver noticed a cement truck by one of the craters, filling the crater with fresh concrete.

The forklift carried a huge cylinder, shaped like a coffee cup, nearly seven feet high and three feet wide. It looked too big for the platform. The cylinder was filled to the brim with steaming-hot liquid, which splashed over the edges as he swerved the truck. 

The princess was still quite a ways off, yet even with the huge cylinder blocking his view, the driver could see her long legs in front of him, stretched out along the poolside. She was lying down now, her legs crossed, her toes pointed towards him. Judging by her posture, she was relaxed. They were the legs of a young woman, delicate and smooth; yet they were as thick and long as ancient redwoods.

The forklift driver came to a stop just in front of her chest. It was a fully-sized forklift, yet next to her it looked like a small toy, no bigger than something you might find in a happy meal. The cylinder, in fact, was actually an upscaled cup of coffee, prepared specially for the Princess; to her, the coffee was only a small. 

The man got out of the forklift. He was wearing a stained white T-shirt and worn blue jeans. He stood next to the giant cup. He hesitated at first. He was a recent hire. He’d seen the Princess on her reality show, of course, but never in person. Now, there she was, right in front of him, wearing nothing but a skimpy black bikini. The forklift driver looked down at the pavement, and noticed how the cement had cracked and cratered around where she now laid down. 

***

Even lying down the princess towered above him like an ancient Roman goddess, the kind they’d told him about in Sunday school. It was strange to see a person that huge. He could accept seeing a building that size, sure, or a mountain, or some great statue. But here she was, looking as large as a skyscraper. 

Watching her shows, he’d wondered if she could be as big as they said she was: could anyone really be three hundred feet tall, or weigh eight thousand tons? But looking at her now, he had no doubt: she looked even bigger. She was lying on her side, facing towards him. You could see just how stick-thin she was, with her narrow hips and tiny shoulders. She was beautiful and young, just a few months over eighteen years old. She had full, yet perky breasts, which her black bikini top showed off nicely. 

***

The driver knew all about Elizabeth, as did most everyone else by this point. A British princess, Elizabeth left England on her eighteenth birthday. She traveled to to America on a cargo ship, landing in New York City. Immediately upon arriving, she decided that she wanted to see the Statue of Liberty.

Elizabeth climbed up onto the platform where the statue stood. The hollow platform could barely support her immense weight. She stood back-to-back with the statue. The Statue of Liberty reached 300 feet above the platform, yet the statue itself was only 150 feet tall; the statue stood on top of a wide column, which was as tall as the statue was. Next to her, the statue looked almost pathetic, like a child who tried to look tall by standing on top of a chair. 

While tourists watched, and recorded her on their cameraphones, Elizabeth played around with the statue. She mugged for the camera, smiling and laughing and posing, giving the statue bunny ears and cupping its breasts. She pressed her lips against the cold stone lips of the statue, while tourists inside the statue’s head snapped photos of her.Elizabeth hugged the statue. It was then that the foundations of the platform began to shake. And then, for a single moment, she leaned against the statue, pushing against it with her arms.

Just like that, the statue started to lean. The supports below the statue buckled and collapsed. The huge stone pillar that held the statue suddenly sank into the ground. The statue itself toppled over, smashing against the platform and breaking in half. Everyone inside the statue was killed instantly. The top half of the statue came crashing onto the ground, landing on the crowd of tourists below. Then Elizabeth herself lost her balance, falling head-first towards the ground. She toppled down onto the platform, her knees breaking through the stone as if it was sand. Dozens of people screamed out as she came down upon them, but it was too late to run.She hit the ground with the impact of a bomb, crushing dozens. Her every body part left a crater in the dirt.

Soon the media had swarmed Liberty Island. They were calling it the worst disaster since 9/11. Hundreds had been killed, maybe more, and a famous landmark was destroyed. The injured were being treated, though it was clear most of them wouldn’t survive. And there, in the midst of all the chaos, was Elizabeth.

She was sitting on the ground, dirty and tired. Reporters interviewed her about the incident. The princess said “This all really sucks. I skinned my knee really bad, and now I’m all gross and covered in mud. They really should have built that statue better, and not made it so hollow and everything. And I guess I’m sorry for squishing all those tiny people under me. I can be such a ditz sometimes, you know! Oopsie!” 

CNN and Fox News had round-the-clock coverage the of the accident, which they called ‘The Day Liberty Died.’ The final body count was 548. Initially, reports focused on the tragedy of the horrific, shocking event. But over the course of the next few days, the focus shifted to the Princess herself. “It was a disaster,” one commentator said, “but can we really blame an innocent girl for tripping? And you’ve got to love the way she said that. ‘Oopsie!’” 

The ‘Oopsie video became a viral hit on youtube. Within a few days, everyone had forgotten about the horrific accidents. Instead, they were busy obsessing over its perpetrator. “Oopsie!” said a front-page tabloid headline, “is this clumsy Princess the new big media darling?” Another tabloid, which a picture of Liz tripping on the statue of Liberty, had her bikini blurred out. The headline read, “Princess Liz Slips Nip in Epic Slip! Sexy pictures inside! See the body that’s so hot, 548 tourists were dying to see it!” Star magazine’s cover article read, “Ditzy Dame Disaster! Why this princess is a smashing hit in America!”

Not everyone was a fan of Elizabeth. Some, like the actress and short persons advocate Angelina Jolie, criticized Elizabeth. Jolie called the princess a “royal monster,” criticizing her “shocking callousness, insensitivity and even indifference to the hundreds of deaths she caused. She’s less like a princess and more like Godzilla.” 

A crew of E! news TV reporters approached Elizabeth, questioning her about Jolie’s criticisms. Elizabeth broke into tears. “I’m just like anyone else, and it hurts when mean people like Jolie say such mean things. I wish people would just try and understand what it’s like to be me. All I want is to be really rich and popular and loved.” She then ate the E! news reporting crew, grabbing them, tossing them into her mouth and swallowing them whole. “Sorry,” she said, immediately after swallowing the last one, “I’m sorry, I get so hungry when I’m sad... Those reporters tasted gross anyway..” 

***

Footage of a crying Elizabeth quickly brought public support to her side. Shepard Smith called Jolie’s words an “outrage,” and said that such comments could “hurt Britain’s relationship with America.” Jolie apologized for her comments, saying “I didn’t even think about the Princess’ emotions when I made those statements... She’s a wonderful, young woman, and I never should have talked about her like that.” The President said in a public statement that “Princess Elizabeth deserves to be greeted with warmth, not the harsh words of detractors. The princess is worth her weight in gold, all 8,529 tons of it. She should be treated like a British national treasure, which America is lucky enough to have on loan. Active immediately, I now grant her full diplomatic immunity, and impunity for any and all future destruction that she caused.”

All the attention made the princess even more famous. Within one week, she was on the cover of every tabloid in America. Within three weeks Elizabeth had her own reality show on ABC, called Lizzie’s Big Life. It quickly became the highest rated show on TV, and was soon the highest-rated show in TV history. That year she was declared Sexiest Woman Alive by Esquire and People Magazine. Time declared her Person of the Year. She was famous not just in America and Britain, but across the world. 

Her brand was taking off. Soon Elizabeth also had her own personal clothing, perfume, and underwear lines, with more in the works. Combined, her weekly royalty checks soon rivaled the Gross Domestic Product of Iceland. 

Lizzie didn’t sit on her rapidly expanding fortune. She purchased a fifty square mile wildlife refuge near Beverly Hills, paving over the forests that had previously been there. With some money from the show, and a few weeks of allowance money, she started building what was to be the biggest house in America.

It was an extravagant palace of a home, tailored to her huge stature, with a pool that was half a mile across. The house was still under construction, but the gigantic pool had been finished several days earlier. And now she sat by that same pool, relaxing and tanning in the sun.

***

“Elizabeth, your grace,” said the forklift driver, “I’m honored to serve you your drink: a grande caramel swirl cream cappuccino with two percent milk, extra foam, and exactly twelve ounces of raspberry flavoring, served extra hot, just like you like.

Suddenly the princess got up, her movements shaking the hard ground beneath her. She reached out and violently snatched the small man in front of her; his body was enclosed completely by her hand. “I didn’t ask for two percent milk, I asked for half skim and half whole!” She threw him down carelessly. He landed square in the giant coffee cup, plunging down into the boiling-hot coffee.

The man screamed as he bobbed up and down in the steaming-hot water. The princess looked away from him in annoyance. “You’re being so annoying! First you get me the wrong drink, and then you scream like a little baby. This is supposed to be my special day...” She sat up. “Will you stop?” Her hand came slamming down on the forklift, crushing it as if it was made of tinfoil. The coffee cup spilled over, sending the man out onto the ground. He gasped for air, his body red and burnt. The princess went on, “All I wanted to do was have a nice, relaxing time at the pool, without any jerks ruining my day... is that really too much to ask for?” 

His whole body felt burnt and tender, like after getting a bad sunburn. The driver looked over at the cool water of the enormous swimming pool. It looked like salvation. He started towards it, running as best as he could on his sensitive feet. As he ran, he yelled out, “I’m sorry, I just--” but before he could finish his sentence, the back of Elizabeth’s immense hand came down on him like a giant hammer, putting a crater in the sidewalk. It looked like a bomb had struck. The driver was crushed like a bug, the gooey remains of his body sticking both to the ground and Elizabeth’s hand. 

“No one is allowed in my pool without my permission! And now your gross blood and entrails are all over my hand... eww... Maids, clean this off! And where’s Ted? Somebody get Ted! The Emmy’s are tonight, and I still need to get ready!” 

***

By the time Ted arrived, Lizzie’s hand was spotless: no doubt thanks to the dozen or so maids kneeled down on the cement, who were now doing their best to clean the poolside with their blood-soaked towels. It took a lot of people to take care of someone like Lizzie. She was laying there, facing Ted, eyes closed.

Ted approached her slowly. He knew his way around her moods, and he could tell she wasn’t in a great one at the moment. He tugged on his tie to straighten it out, pulled on the hem of his business suit, pushed back his glasses. He was slightly built, barely over thirty, with a face that was neither handsome nor ugly. 

Ted had spent the last few years working for Lizzie, as her agent, accountant, personal assistant and procurer. Whenever Lizzie wanted something, Ted’s job was to make it happen, and Ted was very good at his job. Because of this, Ted was one of the few people Lizzie genuinely cared about or respected. She needed Ted, and both of them knew it. 

***

Elizabeth reached her left hand behind her. With one hand, she unhooked the back of her bikini top. She slipped it off effortlessly, showing her full yet perky breasts. If she was a normal size, they would have been a large C-cup, but she was over three hundred feet tall, and her cup size consisted of a few dozen Z’s. Elizabeth tossed her black bra into the air. It landed just in front of Ted. Each cup was easily big enough to envelop a midsize car.

“Hey Liz,” he said, standing in her long shadow.

“Hi Ted. Just sunbathing. Trying to relax,” she said, opening her eyes and looking warmly at Ted. “Didn’t want any tanlines.”

“I’m sorry I got tied up, business call. We don’t have long before the Emmy’s.”

“I’m nervous... what if I don’t win the Emmy?” 

“You shouldn’t worry, you’re a shoe-in. Oh, and some good news: Kim Kardashian won’t be there, she’s doing some kind of herbal regimen thing in Africa. I know you had some kind of a tiff before, and... yeah.” 

She looked down at Ted, smiling. “Good. That ugly bitch can stay there for all I care. Is my dress ready?”

“Yeah, they just finished putting it together; It took a those seamstresses almost two weeks to sew the thing. It’s a little black sleeveless number, just like you asked for, I’m sure it will look amazing on you. We should get dressed pretty soon.” 

“Anything else?”

“Uh, just one thing. Umm, Liz?” Ted looked down at the maids, who were still busy cleaning blood off the cement.

“Yeah?”

“You really need to start treating your employees better, Liz, . I know they make mistakes sometimes, but you’ve gone through so many lately...”

“I know, I know. I was just stressed out, you know, with the Emmys and everything... And then this forklift guy messes up my coffee order, and you just know it would be like three hours before they got another cup ready. I got so upset I smooshed him with my hand. I need to stop getting so annoyed about that kind of thing. And now I’ll need to buy a new forklift, and you’ll need to find a new forklift driver...”

“It’s not a big deal, the drivers are pretty cheap to hire. I’ll send a standard letter of apology to his family. Anyway, let’s get you suited up, and be careful not to slip on that blood. You’ve got a big night tonight.”