“God, I hate beauty contests. Really who cares about that shit, it’s all such meaningless bullshit… A bunch of idiotic bimbos dressing up like sluts so some gross old man can decide who’s the hottest… And they never even pick me! The last time I competed in one, they gave this skinny little bimbo first place, can you believe it? So I took all the judges and stuck them between my tits, so they could see what a real woman looks like. And then I pushed my tits together, until those idiots turned into goo, and then I ripped off that little bitch’s head and… wait, I’m not boring you, am I Brian? Going on about the tedious details of my day-to-day life?”
Brian looked up at Liz, red-faced, a tiny speck buried between her cleavage. “No, that was definitely an… interesting story. It’s just that, well, I was wondering… Why are you going to a beauty contest if you hate them so much?”
“Well, usually I just go to them so I can kill all those stuck-up bitches, but today I had another reason… I wasn’t going to tell you just yet, but… You know how earlier, you told me about how you’ve never had a girlfriend before? Well I felt so bad about your dog, I figured maybe if would make you feel better if you got a chance to, well, lose your v-card. And what better place than a beauty contest?”
Brian was blushing. “Oh, geez… Elizabeth, I’m not sure if that’s such a good idea… I mean, I’m kind of shy, and I don’t know if that’s such a great idea anyway… I mean, how is a guy like me supposed to get with a beauty queen?”
“Oh Brian, you just wait and see, I’ve got it all figured out. Now Brian, do you mind if I set you down for just a minute? I’ve got to run to the restroom really quickly…”
“Sure, I guess that’s okay, but…” but before he could finish his sentence, Liz set him down on the sidewalk below.
As Liz walked away, Brian was suddenly reminded of the immensity of what was going on. Liz’s footsteps shook the ground, so much that he had a hard time standing up. Her careless steps smashed through buildings and came down upon people and cars. Cars swerved and people ran for their lives and chaos followed in her path. People ran, terrified past Brian, trying to get themselves as far as possible from the walking natural disaster that had been so sweet to him. One man stopped and stared at Brian, an awestruck look on his face.
“She… She let you go? Liz, the Destroyer?”
“Yeah, of course she let me go. She said that she had to use the bathroom...”
“The bathroom? Oh dear god, I was going to meet my family at a restaurant!” Without another word, the man spirited away.
“The destroyer,” Brian muttered to himself, “that seems a little harsh… Although I guess to be fair, she does destroy a lot of stuff… But she can’t really help it, at her size…” It wasn’t more than five minutes later that Liz came back. She made her way back down the same busy street she’d trod on earlier, making a point of stepping on the cars and people she’d missed before. When she got close to the building Brian was standing by, she knelt down and squinted, looking closely at the some people nearby him.
“Brian? Brian, is that you? Damn it, all you little people look alike.” She picked up an old woman, inspecting her. Liz quickly realized that it wasn’t him, and flicked her away with her index finger, sending the screaming woman flying several blocks through the air. “Brain? No…” She was just about to pick up an obese man, before realizing it wasn’t him, and nonchalantly flattening his body against the ground with the tip of her pinky finger. “Brian? Where are you?”
“Oh geez, it’s me, Elizabeth, I’m over here! You didn’t have to hurt all those people…”
“Oh, who cares. God, I feel about five tons lighter. Literally.”
“Where does a girl like you go to the bathroom?”
“That reminds me of an old joke… Where does a 300-foot tall girl sit? Wherever the fuck she wants to! But for serials, I usually just find a nearby restaurant. They have signs on the front door that say, ‘public restroom…’ So I figure that means I can use it as one…”
“A restaurant? So why not just use the Taco Bell across the street?”
“Eww, gross, I wouldn’t be caught dead taking a dump on a Taco Bell! So dirty! No, I like to find a nice, trendy, upscale place, someplace classy… That way I can go to the bathroom on all those pretentious fucking yuppies! Man, I can just picture the looks on their little faces, just before you drop a big one on them… It cracks me up, every time. And there are always plenty of bystanders to use as toilet paper… But look at me, talking about all this gross stuff. Not very ladylike, is it? Let’s fucking get you laid!”