"Oh. My. Fucking. God. I have the best Mom ever. It's a car!"

And what a car it was. Straddling two cargo ships was a gargantuan Hummer H2, scaled up to Liz's colossal size. The truck was a beast, lifted and modded with gigantic monster truck tires. It was bigger than the superdome,  and painted bright pink. Liz had never been happier in her life.

"I've always wanted a car! I mean, one that's my size. Every birthday since I turned 16 I've asked my Mom for a car, and all I ever got were these little Porsches that were like toys to me. I mean, it was still fun to stomp on the tiny cars while my servants tried to drive away, but you smash them once and you're done... I never thought I'd actually be able to drive a car. This is the best day ever!"

Liz gleefully made her way to the car, shimmying along the edge of a cargo ship. She walked along ship with her characteristic clumsiness, toppling over stacks of shipping containers and crushing dozens of crewmen underneath. The already overburdened ship rocked precariously in the water, and seemed ready to crack in half as Liz opened the car door and climbed into the Hummer's driver's seat.

Liz noted a letter on the dashboard. "Hi Liz, Happy Birthday! Sorry your present is a little late. The better part of Mandarin-speaking China has been working to assemble this thing for years. It was supposed to be done months ago, but you know how lazy those Oriental are. 

Everything was specially built and scaled up to your size--well, a bit bigger than that, actually. i figured I'd leave some room in case you grow bigger! i made sure they left it with a full tank. The frame is made from a high-tech, space-age steel alloy, so it should be able to withstand your weight. (Speaking of which, do you need a gym membership? I've seen some of your cute little show on the Television, and you've been looking a bit soft.)

I hope you're having fun! Just enjoy yourself, and don't worry too much about what other people think. Those Americans don't deserve to be so much as a stain on your heel. And don't worry about getting in trouble with Mr. Obama, either--I've got his balls in a vice. These Americans are so wonderfully naive, volunteering to give up their nuclear arsenal because it's 'the right thing to do...' Well I still have mine! If he so much as tries to lay a finger on you, I'll nuke the East Coast so hard even the rubble will be in rubble. 

Love you honeybuns! --Mom"

***

"Oh Mom, she's so sweet..." Liz grabbed the key off the dashboard and switched on the ignition. The engine roared to life.

Faint, muffled screams came from under where Liz was sitting. "Mmpph! Let me out! You'll crush mmphh!" 

"Oh god, Ted, will you shut up! These seats are soft, you'll be fine under there. Probably." Liz fumbled around with the dashboard as she figured out how to turn off the Emergency Brake and put the car in gear. "Guess what time it is? Joyride time! Let's take this thing through L.A.!"

Brian, nestled between Liz's cleavage, timidly looked up at his newfound friend. "Umm, Liz?"

"Yeah, Brian?" Liz smiled sweetly.

"So, I was thinking, weren't you trying not to kill so many people?"

"Yep! I'm trying to be nicer."

"Well... Won't driving your gigantic death car through the city kill a lot of people? And animals?"

Liz looked concerned for a moment, before the look washed off her face. "I mean... Yeah, I guess, but... I really need this, and... Come on, I got a new car! Come one, just this once, I've gotta go on a joyride! It's gonna be so much fun!" With that, Liz stepped on the gas. She slammed her foot down hard, pushing the pedal to the floor. The wheels spun on the tarmac of the twin cargo ships, spinning idly for a moment before they got traction. The wheels got traction, sending the gargantuan vehicle shooting forward and splitting the cargo ships in half. Liz didn't look in the rearview mirror, or she would have seen two of the world's biggest cargo ships going down in flames, along with the better part of their crew.

***

Liz turned on the radio. Barbie Girl was playing; Liz cranked up the radio as high as it would go, and started to sing along. Every window in a ten mile radius immediately shattered. Only Liz's car windows, which were made of a space-age polymer, stayed intact. "Woo! Let's smash L.A.! Going to take a joyride on the highway!" Liz screamed out with joy.  The bright pink Hummer roared into L.A., crushing everything in its path with its huge monster-truck wheels, each nearly a hundred feet wide.  

"I'm a Barbie Girl, in a Barbie World!" She made her way onto the freeway, not that her new hummer was going to be confined to something as puny as a highway. Liz drove so her right tire was on the freeway, her hundred-fifty foot-wide tires just wide enough to crush all six lanes of traffic. Her left tire, meanwhile, smashed it's way through a series of neighborhoods, cute downtown shops and boutiques.

"I'm made of plastic, it's fantastic!" The cars in the Northbound lane tried to outrun Liz's car, but it was no use. As huge as the Hummer was, Liz could do 200 MPH without even trying. The southbound lane quickly became a mess of nasty pile-ups as cars tried in vain to stop or swerve away from the highway. But the huge wheels came down upon the traffic like gigantic steamrollers, smashing everything in their path to dust. Cars were flattened like tinfoil, and the pavement was mashed deep into the ground. One freeway overpass after another toppled under the enormous wheels. On the other side, countless homes and shops were flattened as people tried in vain to escape the oncoming doom. 

"Oh my," said Brian meekly, "you seem to be running over a lot of people..."

"You can touch my hair, undress me anywhere!" Some of those she drove over were lucky enough to be between the tires. They watched in awe as the car's chassis passed overhead like some enormous mothership. But they didn't survive for long; the hummer shook the earth below it like a powerful earthquake, toppling even the sturdies buildings and rupturing the very earth itself. Wide cracks opened in the ground, swallowing cars and homes and people. 

"Imagination, something-something station!" Liz headed towards a business district, where towering skyscrapers stretched up above the skyline; a couple of them were even taller than Liz's car. Liz made a bee-line towards some of the smaller structures, smashing one building after another into the grill of her Hummer. Thousands of cars and pedestrians were smashed into nothingness under the unyielding power of the tires. Then she made her way towards the taller skyscrapers. It gave way in a moment, toppling over and smashing down upon the ground. Cement and steel rained down upon the streets, and a thick cloud of smoke rose through the air. 

Brian muttered to himself, "Oh dear, that probably killed a lot of people... Hundreds of thousands, I bet..."

"Come on Barbie, let's go party!" She started to do donuts, whipping in circles and destroying everything below her. Entire city blocks were smashed into nothingness below her car, one after another, and the city for miles around was destroyed by the earthquake her car caused. 

The hummer spun in tighter and tighter circles, rupturing the ground more and more, as Liz stepped on the gas. The engine purred as Liz pushed the engine to it's limits. "Mmm, I really like that vibration..." 

Liz stomped down on the gas pedal. The hummer suddenly spun out out control. The car flipped over violently, wrecking dozens of city blocks as tumbled around before coming to a rest on its side.

"Woah..." Liz, disoriented, but no worse for the wear, looked around to get her bearings. Then, suddenly, she yelled, "That was fun!"