For a long while Brie simply stood in the stream of the shower, enjoying the feeling of the warm water cascading down her body.

With her eyes closed she brought the razor blade to the top of her right thigh, letting the edge just barely brush against the velvety skin there. She slid it back and forth slowly a few times before bearing down and slicing herself, opening three small cuts in quick succession. Bright red blood oozed from the wounds, quickly mixing with water from the shower head before running down her leg and pooling around the drain. 

She exhaled sharply, not even realizing she'd been holding her breath. It was really bad this time, and the pain in her leg just wasn't enough. Brie turned in the shower, pulling her hair back and letting the warm water run down her shoulder. These were quicker as she simply brought the razor up and twice across the skin on her upper arm, once again letting her blood stream down before it swirled around the shower floor. 

Finally her mind cleared enough for her to push the bad thoughts back down. The memories of years of disappointing birthdays fought hard to bubble up to the surface. Sure, she'd had plenty of worse days in her life. But because of their regularity, birthdays served as touchstones for her normal, shitty existence.  

With practiced skill Brie sorted them all into their boxes, until one, a particularly bad but important memory, broke free and flooded her mind with things she had never wanted to think about again. 

——————————

It was ten years ago, practically to the day.  

Kelsey’s birthday had, as always, been just the week before.  Brie could still picture all of Kelsey’s brightly wrapped presents that had lined the kitchen table.  Hanging in the hallway outside of her room there was actually a photo of a newly eight year old Kelsey, grinning a wide, gap-toothed smile and holding her brand new and most favorite princess Barbie doll.

Instead of a mountain of presents for Brie, her parents, Mike and Jessica, had decided to take the whole family on a whirlwind family vacation to Disneyworld.  Of course this meant that Kelsey got to come along too, essentially getting two celebrations, but little Brie didn’t care.  Disneyworld!  It was all she had wished for when she’d blown out her candles on her past few birthdays and now it was finally happening.  She almost couldn’t believe it.

The night before the trip, still wide awake from excitement, Brie had climbed out of bed and silently crept into her sister’s room, slipping into bed next to her.

“Kelsey?” she whispered softly.

“What is it, Weewa?” Kelsey replied sleepily, using the nickname that had began at Brie’s birth when she’d been unable to pronounce “Breanna.”

“I’m too excited to sleep,” Brie confessed, before adding more quietly, “And a little a-scared.”

Kelsey turned, and in the darkness found her sister’s hand, taking it in her own and holding it tightly.

“It’s okay, Weewa.  I’m your big sis and I won’t ever let anything bad happen to you.  Especially on your birthday,” Kelsey whispered, giving Brie’s hand a squeeze.

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

When their parents found them early the next morning they were holding onto each other so tightly that they literally had to pry them apart.

The trip was a dream come true.  They were only there for a long weekend, but it was three days packed with all of the excitement that Disney had to offer.  Brie could still remember so clearly the sights and sounds and smells of the place.  She remembered hanging onto Kelsey so tightly during the Pirates of the Caribbean that she thought she’d squeeze her sister to death.  A small smile crept over her face as she thought about the princess makeovers that they’d gotten on their last day there, both girls decked out with glittery makeup and tiaras.  But her smile turned to a frown when she recalled the later events of that last day, her actual birthday.

The family had ridden the monorail back to the hotel for a planned nap before they were to return to the park for a final, magical evening.  Kelsey and Brie were crashed on top of the cool bedspread of their shared bed, still decked out like little princesses.  Brie awoke to the sounds of loud voices coming from their balcony.  Her curiosity got the better of her and she crawled out of bed, parting the curtain and sliding the door open only to be greeted by the sight of her mother sitting and weeping directly in front of her.  Mike stood angrily over her, both instantly becoming silent at the sight of their daughter.

“Mommy, daddy.  Why are you fighting?”

Brie closed her eyes tightly in the shower, slowly cutting another line into her already bloody arm.

Her parents had calmly explained that after the school year was over in a couple of months mommy and daddy weren’t going to be living together anymore.  They hadn’t wanted to tell the girls until after the trip, but that was what was happening.  Kelsey would stay at home with mommy, and daddy would take Brie a few hours away for them to both live with daddy’s brother Larry.  It would hopefully just be for the summer, but it might be forever.  And please, her parents asked, don’t tell your sister.  We don’t want to ruin her time here at Disneyworld.

“But what about me?  It’s my birthday,” Brie remembered asking her little self.  But she hadn’t said anything at all, she’d just looked into her parents’ tear stained eyes and nodded silently, solemnly.  It was her very first memory of pushing down such a huge bundle of bad feelings.  She turned and opened the door silently, the cool air from inside blowing back her fine blonde hair as she stepped out of the Florida humidity.  Fat tears rolled down her red cheeks as she climbed back onto the bed with her sister.  With a little grunt she pulled Princess Barbie out of her sister’s hot and sweaty little hand and threw her onto the floor, threading her own fingers through Kelsey’s and burying her face into a pillow.

Her memories shifted, skipping ahead months later.  Her parents had reconciled and she and Kelsey were reunited, hugging tightly with tears of happiness streaming down both of their faces.  Brie had only had to spend about half a school year away, and she couldn’t wait to tell her sister everything that had happened to her while she was gone — including the nights that her uncle Larry had come into her bedroom, even though he had told her to never tell anyone.  How could little Brie have known that Kelsey would repeat her stories to one of her teachers at school, or that it would get her uncle into so much trouble? Salty tears rolled down to the corners of her mouth.

But daddy never forgave her.  And mommy… Well, she had just reconciled with her husband, and a scandal like that just didn’t fit the narrative she was trying to create for how the rest of her life would go.  So Jessica supported Mike and never even once addressed the issue with her daughter. Her parents took her to all of the court appointed counseling dates and made her available for the trial so that they wouldn’t have to deal with the fallout of losing a child to Child Protective Services.  But from then on they treated her even worse than before.  In their minds she was already the accident that they they should have aborted so as not to put a strain on their marriage (as her mother told her one night years later after a drunken fight with her father).  Now she was also a troublemaker who had, once again, nearly ripped the family apart.

That year Kelsey’s pile of birthday presents was even higher than the year before, with more dolls and toys than any one girl could need.  When the next week rolled around Brie got… a cake with some candles and a gift card.  Brie’s eyes opened in the shower, the next scene playing out in front of her eyes.  After getting home from school on that birthday Kelsey had asked their mom if there was any ice cream for the birthday cake.  Of course there wasn’t, but since the golden child wanted it then she would have it.  Brie watched as mommy swept her keys up off the counter and grabbed Kelsey’s hand, practically bounding out the door and leaving her behind.  She stood still in the kitchen and waited a minute, even though she knew they weren’t coming back for her, the sound of the garage door closing and the minivan driving away confirming it.

Two tears rolled down her face as little Brie solemnly went to her sister’s room, opening her door and spying her prize on Kelsey’s bed — her favorite doll.  Brie turned the little princess over in her hands, admiring her brightly colored clothes before angrily ripping them off of her little plastic body and dropping them on the floor.  Her face twisted into a sneer as she pulled the doll’s arms out an an unnatural angle and yanked on them until they popped out, dropping them on top of them small pile of fabric between her feet.  Finally she raised the mangled doll before her face and dropped it, relishing the sound of it clattering on the floor.  The little princess had fallen face down, and Brie smiled when she felt the cool plastic under her little foot as she ground the doll into the low, rough carpet.  Little Brie mashed Kelsey’s favorite doll, twisting its little head under the ball of her foot until the tears stopped flowing.

With a little half smile she left the scene without cleaning up, and though Kelsey had to know it was her, Brie never got into trouble for it.  Instead, the following week, a little lock appeared on the door to Kelsey’s room.  That didn’t stop Brie, though.  That birthday night, and every birthday afterward, Brie would wish for Kelsey’s favorite doll to have and control of for her very own.  And whenever Kelsey forgot to lock her door Brie was there, hastily grabbing any of Kelsey’s dolls that she could find quickly and stealing them back to her room to abuse them, eventually depositing their destroyed little bodies under her bed.

——————————

Brie hastily washed her hair and body, her weeping wounds eventually slowing to a thin trickle.  She turned off the shower and stepped wetly onto the floor mat, tearing off enough toilet paper to drape over her cuts, bright thin lines keeping the tp stuck to her arm and legs.  Carefully she put on her clothes, avoiding the wounds on her thighs as she pulled her dingy white cotton panties up her legs and rolled down her jean skirt, a thin tank keeping her arms bare to be covered by a sweater she had in her room.  Finally she ran a comb through her wet hair and quickly applied some dark eye makeup.  She stood in front of the mirror, her scowl gradually unclenching into a blank stare and finally into a small, dead-eyed smile before she turned and walked out of the bathroom, her phone in one hand and a small pile of dirty clothes in the other.  

On a hunch she headed down the hallway only to find Kelsey’s door still wide open with no sign of her sister anywhere.  With a long groan of anger and frustration Brie unlocked her phone and dialed Kelsey.  She jumped in surprise as a loud, bright buzzing came from the nightstand next to her, playing her sister’s familiar ringtone.  With her brow furrowed Brie made a quick scan of the room, finding nothing out of place.  Served Kelsey right —she’d left without her in such a hurry that she’d even forgotten her phone.  With a grunt Brie knocked the phone to the floor.  Her eyes flickered over the large dollhouse near the bed, and for a moment she considered tearing it open to take what she was owed.  But no, she was practically an adult now, too grown up for such childish things.  Still, she gave the house a good kick before heading out of the room and back to hers.

As was her customary style she burst into her own room, swinging the door open brusquely and angrily, ready to grab her sweater and walk to school since that bitch had already left without her.  Small movement below her brought her vision downward, and her breath caught in her throat.  Her dirty clothes dropped from her hand as her suddenly bright eyes focused on a moving figure on her dirty floor.

“H-hello?” She whispered breathily, her heartbeat suddenly threatening to burst out of her body.

“Please take me back to Kelsey!” the small doll man on the floor yelled forcefully.

Brie’s lips curled into a nasty grin as she considered the little doll in front of her.  Here he is, she thought to herself as she slowly dropped to her knees.  Kelsey’s favorite doll, just like she’d always wished for.  And so fancy, moving and talking.  Mom and dad must have spent a fortune on this one.  She bared her teeth as she sat on the backs of her legs, her left arm reaching for the animated little figure.  Her skin was electric, the feeling of power so palpable that it surged through every nerve ending in her body.  It was then that she noticed that he was completely naked and… anatomically correct.  Her mind reeled as her hand curled around his little body, warm and soft, not hard and plastic like she was expecting.  Brie could feel warmth between her legs and knew that this little doll was making her so. fucking. wet.  Her smile was practically big enough to swallow him whole as she brought him to within inches of her relatively giant face.  His back rested against her curled fingers as the huge pad of her thumb slowly ran up and down his sternum, occasionally flicking to rub over his tiny hardening nipples.  Under the thin fabric of her shirt Brie could feel, and see, hers hardening to match.

“So,” she said languorously, all plans for her day slowly being replaced with much filthier ones as the seconds passed.  “What’s your name, little guy?”