Somewhere in the South Pacific, where the water is calm and the deep blue sea stretches seamlessly from one horizon to the other, there is a tiny, uncharted island that cannot be found on any map. Lush green forests, white sandy beaches, a ring of cascading waterfalls, and an active volcano at the very heart of the island have made it one of Polynesia's best kept secrets for centuries. Today, as the human population skyrockets past seven billion, the natural glory of Nāmaka’s Island remains untouched, frozen in the hourglass of time.
Which is precisely why Hollywood has decided to turn this paradise into its hottest new reality TV show! Yes, for the past eight months, camera crews have been feverishly installing surveillance equipment and listening devices in every tree, rock, and animal on the island, so that not one square inch is left uncovered.
The rules are simple. Twenty-seven strangers have volunteered (trust us on this) to live on a remote island somewhere in the South Pacific and compete in some of the most grueling, disgusting, dangerous, and morally degrading challenges ever imagined. At the end of each day, one unlucky contestant will be voted off the island and can never, EVER return. This will continue until only one cast member remains, the ultimate champion of Nāmaka’s Island. Who will it be?
Who will be…the LAST ONE STANDING?
Team Rabid Monkeys:
Piper, Lydia, Butterfly, Angie, Claudia, Chloe, Mercedes
Travis, Zero, Dizzy, Wendell, Rusty, Henri, Alejandro
Team Agitated Kangaroos:
Erica, Naomi, Misra, Penny, Bridgette, Maxine
Roger, Pip, Adam, Dante, Mean Joe, Willie, Luigi
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The guys were awake even earlier than Piper the next day. Under Roger’s rather brutal insistence, they began to gather in the lounge of their dollhouse, which was actually a replica scale-model of the girls’ bungalow—a one-floor cabin with high ceilings, a large common area in the middle, and bedrooms on either side. It was a cozy place with furnishings to match what the girls had, but they had some trouble with the amenities not being up to standard.
“Okay, who left the gigantic deuce in the toilet!?” Travis yelled from the bathroom.
Mean Joe didn’t even flinch. “That’d be me,” he openly volunteered.
“Dude… It’s plastic!”
“Your mom is plastic!”
“My girlfriend is plastic,” Luigi said, stroking the leg of an old Barbie doll he had found in one of the bedrooms of the dollhouse. The others looked away.
“You wormy little shits need to focus,” Roger snapped, slamming his fist on the table. His rippling muscles, bullet-like eyes, and horrible buzz-cut demanded respect. “Two days into the competition and you’re already going crazy. That performance I saw yesterday was PATHETIC. P-A-T-H-E-D-I-C-K. The girls kicked our asses and you let them. You want one of those hussies to win this thing? Because it sure the hell seems that way!”
“Uh, but this competition isn’t boys versus girls…” Pip started to say, but Roger bonked him upside the head.
“If we’re going to WIN, we need to take out the bitches. Understand?”
“I do declare,” said Henri, sipping out of a fake teacup with his pinky in the air. “You have quite the vulgar mouth.”
“I’m not even sure you COUNT as a man, HENRY. If you weren’t so utterly worthless, I’d say your team is cheating by having eight women.”
“It’s pronounced ‘On’ree.’”
Roger grabbed him by the collar of his club jacket and hoisted him into the air. Before he could do anything, though, Willie, the ever-calm bloke from Down Under, squeezed in between them and pushed them apart.
“Not sure what you have against the fine women of this island…or who put you in charge,” Willie said to Roger, “but fighting amongst ourselves ain’t gonna solve anything.”
“He’s right” said Pip. “We may be competitors on the field, but it’s obvious we have a disadvantage in size when it comes to the girls. I think we need to work together if we’re going to survive here.”
“Work together?” Travis echoed, coming out of the bathroom. “How are we going to do that? We can’t even take a dump in our own cabin without it stinking up the place.”
“Well… One thing we can do is agree to vote off the women who put us in the most immediate danger, regardless of who wins or is the most beneficial to our team.”
Rusty sat in the corner of the room, already on his second cigarette of the day. “Interesting idea,” he said. “You might be onto something….OR maybe you want our team to lower our guard because you’re secretly in a jealous rage knowing we have your sister and she's our best weapon!”
“What? No. Piper has nothing to do with this…”
“Liar!”
“Hey…do you think we’re getting even smaller?” Travis asked, as he walked over to the rest of the group with pants almost down to his knees. “Look how baggy my slacks are.”
“Uh…that’s how they always look,” Adam said.
“Oh, yeah. You’d know. I always see you staring at my ass. Swag, swag, swag!”
“Does he seriously know how stupid he looks?” Zero whispered to Dizzy, who had suddenly appeared out of nowhere.
Dizzy just nodded his head and was gone again.
“My idea can work,” Pip insisted, trying desperately to steer them back on track. “There are seven guys on each team. If we ALL vote for the same person, we can vote them off. Once the girls are gone, we can go back to being rivals. What do you say?”
Well, nobody was listening to him now, because the whole cabin started to shake. Before they could take shelter, the roof peeled back like the lid of a tin can and Piper stuck her bright, cheery, bushy-tailed face inside.
Travis’ pants slipped through his hand and he dropped a deuce right there on the cabin floor.
“Good morning, boys!” Piper said. “I heard you never had the chance to eat breakfast yesterday, so we decided to prepare you a little something. Enjoy!” She moved her head away to allow Claudia, with a Cheshire cat smirk, to come forward with a large green mixing bowl. They each took a side and tipped the bowl over, dumping a sea of raw eggs and milk into the dollhouse.
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Travis: First chance I get, I’m voting that bitch off. [glares as something is whispered off-camera] What do you mean: ‘which one?’
Pip: My sister isn’t really that bad… She’s just very happy to be here. You can’t blame her for that… Can you?
Luigi: Hehe… I like to pretend that milk didn’t come from the fridge…
Piper: [smiles innocently] How was I supposed to know they didn’t like scrambled eggs?
Adam: For the record, I have never looked at Travis’ butt.
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Later on, Cassandra and the islanders were gathered in the same clearing where the Tropical Fruit Dodgeball tournament had taken place just a day ago. It must have rained over the night because the painted white lines and fruit juice had been washed away and replaced with many shallow puddles of mud. In the center of the field, Rip the Zombie was digging a grave large enough for an elephant. One end of a rope was wrapped around his bony neck and the other was dangling loosely in Cassandra’s hand.
“Welcome to the second competition!” Cassandra said. “I trust you all had a good night’s sleep. I know Kathy with a ‘K’ did.”
“So, is she, like…dead?” Dante asked. “I mean, we only get one life here or what? Because I’m pretty sure some of us guys got stepped on yesterday and—”
“Today’s challenge will be a camp favorite: Tug-o’-War!” As she said this, she tugged on the rope, causing Rip to fall into the open grave. “For this competition, only the women will be participating. And before you try to tell me that the Agitated Kangaroos have less people, let me remind you that you have one player who could easily pass for two.” She didn’t look at Maxine, but everybody knew who she was talking about. And so did you.
“Only the women?” Wendell frowned. “What can we do?”
“Hmm… That’s an interesting question. What CAN you do?” Cassandra pretended to muse it over for a moment, when it was already pretty clear she had no intention of providing a straight answer, and then looked over her shoulder. “Rip—are you almost finished?”
Rip climbed out of the grave, covered in grime, and bobbed his rickety head up and down.
“Good.” Cassandra filled the hole with water with a simple wave of her hand. “Now, put all the dirt back in so it turns to mud.” Sure, she could have done it herself, but what fun would that have been? Cursing his eternal afterlife, Rip picked up his shovel and went back to work.
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Mercedes: Umm…there’s, like, MUD out here. I wouldn’t have worn high heels if somebody had told me there’d be mud. I wouldn’t have even signed up for this stupid contest if I had known there’d be mud… Is it too late for a refund?
Dante: I hate watching someone else play…
Adam: At least there’s no chance we can get killed watching from the sidelines. Right? [looks around] …Right?
Luigi: Maybe there will be some mud wrestling mixed in there… [nibbles on fingertips excitedly]
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A rope was laid down and the women lined up on opposite sides of the mud-filled pit. On one side, Misra and Naomi took the front, Erica, Penny, and Bridgette took center, and Maxine was in the back, tying the rope around her flabby waist. On the other side of the pit, Butterfly stood in front, followed by Mercedes, Lydia, Angie, Chloe, Claudia, and finally Piper. Yes, a one-hundred--twenty-five pound cheerleader was their best option at the anchor position.
“We beat them yesterday and we can do it again!” Piper said, trying to encourage her teammates. But that was much harder to do without pom-poms in her hands.
“This should be fun to watch,” Cassandra whispered to Rip, and she blew the whistle right in his ear for them to begin. “Remember: if you land in the pit, you’re OUT and have to stay there until all the members of your team fall in too.”
The girls on both sides picked up the rope and immediately began to pull. Piper dug her heels into the ground and the other girls on her team followed suit, but it soon became obvious that no amount of force was going to budge Maxine, who was holding the rope with only one hand. Her other teammates were barely trying.
“You like my shoes?” Penny asked Erica, and Erica nodded and they began to chat.
“It’s like…trying to move…a tanker…on dry land,” Claudia grunted. She yelped as Bridgette, on the other side of the rope, began to put one arm over the other and reel in the Monkeys little by little. Butterfly slipped and fell to her knees and skidded across the grass.
“This is not good for my aura!” she cried, letting go of the rope and grabbing Lydia’s leg instead.
On the sidelines, the men on their team had to cover their eyes. Butterfly had just taken out Lydia, and Mercedes tripped over both of them, leading to a three-way pileup in front of the mud pit.
“We’re getting killed!” Wendell yelled.
“Correction,” Rusty said. “The girls are getting killed. We’re just fine.”
“Yeah, and we can just vote off whichever one is the most useless,” Travis said. “Right now, they all look equally useless…”
“I cannot believe I am hearing this!” came a booming voice.
Their eyes darted all around, wondering who had just spoken. They finally looked up to see Zero, a whole ten inches off the ground, doing a midair pose. His oddly muscular arms brought out the wrinkles in his trench coat.
“You would let our comrades fall at the hands of our enemies just to save your own skin!?” he asked. “That is not the way of a hero! We cannot stand here idly for a moment longer. Come with me! Don’t believe in yourself—believe in the me who believes in you!”
While they tried to figure that one out, Zero raised his fist and soared towards the other team, leaving behind a trail of smoke and bent grass blades in his wake. Never one to think matters over, Dizzy chased after him, zipping through the grass so fast that it never had the chance to spring back up.
“Wait for me, guys!” Wendell said.
They didn’t wait, but he chased after them anyway.
“Alas,” Alejandro said. “If anybody is going to save the ladies, it will be me.”
Rusty looked around at his dwindling team and then patted the front pocket of his shirt. “Eh…what the hell? I’m all out of smokes anyway.”
And so the heartthrob and the heart-attack-waiting-to-happen went after the others, leaving behind only Travis and Henri.
Travis looked at Henri. Henri looked at Travis. Travis looked at Henri. Henri looked at Travis.
“You gonna go?” Travis finally asked.
“Ah simply cannot participate in this tawdry affair. It would be a crime against civility to allow a velvet jacket to be soiled by muck and filth. That's real velvet, mind you. Not Velveteen.” He flashed his jacket at Travis. “A gentleman should know the difference." He continued flashing while Travis gawked at him, mouth agape.
“…Fuck dis shit,” the ghetto rapper said, and he was out of there faster than a Maserati.
Henri pulled out a file and began fiddling with his nails.
Somehow, Dizzy got to the girls before Zero. He didn’t waste any time strategizing. He went straight for Erica—the only girl wearing long pants—and jump-climbed her tight blue jeans in a matter of seconds. Every wrinkle was a handhold and every handhold was a boost that elevated him higher and higher up her body. Soon he was scampering up her t-shirt, over her breasts, and ascending her hair like he had done this a million times before.
“What are you doing?” Erica asked when she spotted him.
“I am Dizzy,” he said, mounting the top of her head. “And soon you will be too.”
“Huh?”
He dropped down onto a strand of hair that was dangling over her left eye and began swinging back and forth, using her nose as a platform for his feet.
“Stop that!”
He howled with laughter.
“Annoying pest…” She puffed her cheeks and tried to blow him off, but only succeeded in making him spin faster and laugh harder. After a few tries, she just gave up and tried to ignore him.
“You got a little something…” Penny said, pointing to her own eye.
“Yes, I know, Penny. Thank you.”
“Want me to get him?”
“No.”
“Really, I can just…” Penny released the rope for a second and Bridgette smacked into the back of her.
“Keep your head in the game!” Bridgette snapped. The whole team slid forward and Maxine had to grab onto the rope with both hands to keep them from losing ground.
“Sorry, boss!” Penny reached for the rope, but now Zero was standing on it, hands on his hips, chest thrust out like a cannon, and head titled nonchalantly to the side, not even looking at her.
She stared as him as he slowly…ever so slowly…rotated his head around and raised his left eyebrow when he finally locked onto her eyes.
“Impressed?” he asked.
Penny coiled her fingers around him and picked up the rope again.
“Isn’t sabotaging our team against the rules!?” Naomi yelled. She and Misra were so short that they weren’t even touching the ground, so none of the guys could get to them. Well, except for Dizzy, but he was too busy playing peek-a-boo with Erica. Every time he would pass by her eye, he would make a different face, taunting her relentlessly.
By now, Mercedes, Lydia, and Butterfly had gotten untangled, and they were back on their feet, pulling on the rope as hard as they could. The momentum finally began to shift in their direction, as Erica was distracted, Naomi and Misra were dangling from the rope, and Penny’s hands were suddenly very slippery, causing the rope to get away from her. It was pretty much just Bridgette and Maxine in the back, trying to keep their team from kissing mud.
But the guys on the Agitated Kangaroos had taken notice of Dizzy and, to a much lesser extent, Zero, and figured they would join in too, since Cassandra seemed to be letting anything fly.
“GO, GO, GO!” Roger yelled, commanding his troops forward. Mean Joe, Luigi, Willie, and Adam obliged, while Pip and Dante were a little more hesitant.
“I don’t think we should interfere,” Pip said. “The girls might get mad at us…”
“I just want to finish this level…” Dante said, playing with his Gamepad Pro DS2, as always.
“You little shit sacks are the first ones getting voted off!” Roger said. He didn’t waste any more time on them, though, and went to join up with the rest of his crew. Mean Joe had already made his way to the front of the line and stood in Butterfly’s muddy footprints, trying to tickle her bare feet.
“Noooo!” she cried, trying to dance away from him. She wouldn’t step on him, because she would never hurt a living creature, but he kept chasing after her feet, splashing through the mud on his hands and knees, and attacking her toes every chance he got.
Meanwhile, Adam saw the fun Mean Joe was having and decided he would try the same thing with Piper. And yeah, that might have worked, but he didn’t factor into account that Piper was neither in bare feet nor a pacifist. The moment he was in range, she raised her foot and smashed him into the dirt. He continued to get trampled by each girl in unison as the rope shifted more and more to their side, until Misra and Naomi were actually hanging over the pit of mud in the center.
“Hehe…” Luigi said, staring up their skirts. He had abandoned his own team and swam to the middle of the pit just to get in on the action.
They screamed and tried to cover up their legs, but it only caused them to lose their balance and land on top of him. The little freak didn’t even try to move out of the way.
And just like that, it was seven against four. Bridgette’s strength and Maxine’s weight were beginning to falter, and Erica and Penny couldn’t pull hard enough to keep from inching closer to that pit. Down on the ground, Travis, Wendell, and Rusty had gathered a small pile of pebbles and were looking up at Penny. They could see the remains of Zero on her palm and he gave them a thumbs-up and they returned the gesture. All except Travis, who laughed at him.
“Dumb ass,” he said.
“How are we going to get the pebbles in her boots?” Wendell asked.
Penny looked down at him. “Y'all better not even think about it!”
“SHA-SHA-SHA!” Rusty said, embracing the true spirit of his team as he clambered up the side of her leather boot. “Monkey style!”
“Nice moves,” Travis said. He picked up a pebble and tossed it to Rusty, who immediately stuffed it down the opening of Penny’s boots. “Alley-oop!”
Wendell tried to do the same and overshot Rusty by a mile. But they soon got into a rhythm and were filling Penny’s boots with tiny stones. Every time they got one in, Penny would flinch a little and have to adjust the position of her foot, causing the stones to roll under her arch. She muttered under her breath and tried to shake Rusty off, but to no avail.
“Keep it going, Monkeys!” Piper cheered. While their team lacked size, Claudia and Chloe could certainly pull their own weight (well, maybe not Maxine’s) and Angie was a pint-sized powerhouse. It wasn’t long until they had dragged Erica’s toes to the edge of the pit. She leaned back into Penny and closed her eyes.
“You Dizzy now!” Dizzy said, pushing off Erica’s forehead with his feet. He whipped around her head, swung up onto Penny’s hat, and scampered across it, sliding down the folds like he was on an invisible sled. When he reached the rim, he leapt off and landed on Bridgette’s head before shimmying down her braid, fully intending on doing the same thing to Bridgette that he did to Erica.
But Maxine wasn’t going to let him.
“Bug,” she said.
Bridgette felt him too, and she rocked her head to the side.
“You wanna swing?” she asked. “Fine. Swing this!” She whipped her head around and her braid shot out like a snake going after its prey. Dizzy didn’t have a prayer. He flew off her hair, somersaulted through the air, and landed perfectly in the middle of the pit of mud.
“Ugggh…” Erica’s sneaker began to slide forward and she nearly lost her balance, but Penny released the rope for a second to wrap her arm around Erica, grab back onto the rope, and yank her back. Together, they stood at the front of the pit, while Travis, Wendell, and Rusty continued to load Penny’s boots with pebbles.
“These guys are really getting on my nerves,” Penny muttered into Erica’s ear. She would have kicked them, but they were literally hanging onto the edge of the pit
“Tell me about it.”
Just as Travis was about to toss Rusty another stone, his pass was batted down by Willie, who had the true spring of a kangaroo in his step.
“What the f…?” Travis started to say, but Willie interrupted him.
“I believe the lady wants you to stop,” he said.
Travis glowered at him and reached into one of his ten thousand pants pockets and pulled out a switchblade. “Is that so, cowboy…?”
Willie grinned. “That’s not a knife.” He calmly pulled out a machete and turned it over in his hand. “THIS is a knife.”
Travis took off running and so did Wendell. Willie just watched them and then turned to Rusty, who found himself alone at the top of Penny’s boot.
“You want to get down from there?” Willie asked.
“N-N-NEVER!” Rusty screamed, and he scrambled into Penny’s boot, which….well, probably wasn’t a good idea, as he wound up with all the other tiny paper weights under Penny’s foot. But he probably thought he was safe until her arch pressed down on him.
On the other side of the pit, Mean Joe was still belly-crawling after Butterfly’s feet and Roger was moving up and down the line, shouting insults at every woman he passed, but staying far enough away that he wasn’t in stomp-range.
“How tall are you!?” he yelled up at Butterfly. “What’s that? 5’4? I didn’t know they stacked shit that high!”
Butterfly’s eyes began to water.
“You’re so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece!”
Butterfly suddenly stopped pulling and Mean Joe plowed into her foot.
“Don’t listen to that jerk,” Mercedes said. “You’re beautiful, darling. Not as beautiful as me, of course, but you certainly aren’t the ugliest thing on this island.”
“And you,” Roger said, moving down the line to Mercedes. “You are a disgusting fatbody! You think you belong in Hollywood, but I think you belong on a can of dog food. WOOF, WOOF.”
“Why, I never!”
But he just kept hurling insults at them until they both broke into tears and landed in the mud pit, taking Mean Joe with them. At that point, Mercedes really WAS crying. Not for Mean Joe, but because she had just ruined a perfectly good $3000 mink coat.
Roger moved onto Lydia, but she simply ignored him, no matter how much he screamed or how loud he was or how big the veins in his throat and forehead grew from throbbing. It was almost like she had tuned out everything in the world. As if her mind was a blank canvas and she was preparing to paint a vision from another world.
“Fuckin’ space case,” Roger cursed, moving on down the line.
Claudia looked over her shoulder at Piper. “We need to shut this little twerp up before he distracts anybody else.”
Piper nodded her head in agreement. “But how?” she asked.
“Pull on the rope as hard as you can. When I count to three, everybody let up on the rope so that it starts to go slack. Got it?” She didn’t wait for an answer because she could already feel her teammates pulling harder. “1… 2… 3!”
They loosened their grip on the rope. That caused Erica and the other girls to stumble. It was only for a second, but it gave their team enough time to shift towards Roger, and shift towards Roger they did, with Claudia raising her foot much higher than was necessary and stamping his face into the ground. She was even able to do it a second time before the other team regained their balance and started pulling again.
“Much better!” Piper said, and the others had to agree. Except for Lydia. She didn’t know what was going on.
At this point, it was a five-on-four battle, and the two teams had just about equilibrated. Even though the Kangaroos were still down one member, Bridgette and Maxine were able to carry the load, and Penny was much more focused now that she wasn’t being triple-teamed by stoners. With Travis and Wendell in hiding, and Henri as useless as ever on the sidelines, it was up to Alejandro to save the day for the Monkeys.
“Hellooooo, ladies,” he said. He had spent all this time climbing onto the rope and now stood exactly halfway between the two teams, flexing his muscles in every pose imaginable. He was, of course, directed towards the girls on the side of the Kangaroos, but he was doing his best not to look at Maxine.
“What is he doing?” Penny asked, and Erica just shrugged. Bridgette was too competitive to care and Alejandro couldn’t understand what he was doing wrong.
“But the women always fall for my rippling biceps,” he said aloud, because he felt that information needed to be shared.
Suddenly, he heard some deep sighs coming from behind, and he looked over his shoulder to see five pairs of eyes with red hearts in them. Piper, Claudia, Chloe, and Angie were in a trance, and whatever trance Lydia had been in was instantly broken because she was instantly smitten with the short, dark, and handsome man on the tightrope. It didn’t take her long to slip and fall into the mud pit and the others followed, one by one, until Piper faceplanted on top of them all. The rope fell and Alejandro fell with it, and he was quickly buried in the mud under a mesh of groping hands and pleated skirts as the girls wrestled to get ahold of him.
Wide-eyed, Erica and Penny dropped the rope.
“We won…?” Erica asked. “We won!” She gave Penny a high-five, but Cassandra shook her head and reminded them all of the rules.
“The contest isn’t over until EVERY member of the other team is in the mud pit,” she said.
It didn’t long for it to register in their heads what that meant. Slowly, a smile crept to their lips, and they looked across the field at Travis and Wendell, who were still running away from Willie.
“Shall we?” Erica asked.
“Let’s shall.” Penny and Erica skipped after them. The guys tried to run faster, but it really didn’t matter, because Travis soon tripped over his pants and Wendell tumbled down on top of him. That probably hurt enough, but probably not as bad as Erica’s sneaker, which crashed down next to them. Her other sneaker crashed down on the opposite side.
“…This was totally not my idea,” Travis said.
“Let’s see how they like it,” Erica said, picking up Wendell, who was close to the size and shape of an apple. She raised her arm and threw him like she was throwing a basketball. He soared towards the mud pit and landed on Butterfly’s head, then bounced over to Mercedes’ head, then Chloe’s, then Angie’s, and finally belly-flopped on top of Luigi, burying him back under the mud.
“I’ll…just help myself into the pit…” Travis said, scampering away from Erica. She snickered and shuffled her feet after him, keeping him pinned inside, until he kicked off his pants and jumped into the mud puddle in his boxers.
Bridgette and Maxine shared a brief—very brief exchange—and moved away from the rope. Maxine plopped down on the ground to recover while Bridgette headed straight for Henri, who was polishing his club jacket, having paid almost no attention to the competition in front of him.
“You’re missing out on all the fun,” Bridgette said, plucking him up by the collar of his jacket. She carried him this way over to the pit.
“I do declare—you are getting wrinkles on my clothes!” he whined.
“That’s not all I’m getting on them,” she said, and she released him. He was immediately pushed under by his own teammates for being so utterly useless.
“You’re worried about YOUR clothes?” Mercedes said, sitting on him. “What about MINE?”
Erica looked around. Pip and Dante were still on the sidelines. They weren’t on the other team, but she went over and booted them both in for not helping at all.
“Is that everybody?” she asked.
“Not quite,” Penny said. She joined the others by the mud puddle, dusted Zero off her hands, and then slowly removed her boot. She held it over the pit and turned it over, causing a shower of pebbles—and one very flat Rusty—to tumble out. When she was finished, she smiled and slipped her boot back on.
Cassandra clapped her hands. “And, with that, we have a winner! Congratulations, Agitated Kangaroos! You somehow pulled this out, despite being one woman down. I’ll see you all at the ceremony tonight.”
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Adam: NEXT TIME, I GET THE LIGHTWEIGHTS.
Mercedes: I’m going to SUE this show if these stains don’t come out of my clothes!
Luigi: Getting buried by Naomi and Misra? Priceless. Getting buried by Wendell? Not so much…
Butterfly: Well… At least a mud bath is good for the skin…
Lydia: Can’t talk. Drawing Alejandro. Do you think he’ll give me a nude pose to work with?
Piper: That Alejandro is sooo fine. [giggles]
Claudia: Yeah. He’s cute. What of it?
Chloe: I suppose I should be mad at Alejandro…but did you see those pecs? I could fry an egg on those AND eat it.
Angie: Meh. Can’t feel like a loser after a show like that.
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“Once again, it’s time to vote someone off the island,” Cassandra said at that night’s ceremony.
“I think we all know who THAT should be,” Travis said, glaring at Alejandro, who was in a five-girl-and-one-man ogling session. Even Misra and Naomi were starting to fall for him, as they started giggling and poking him with their pinky fingers. “You don’t be steppin’ in my crib and takin’ my bitches, yo.”
Travis wasn’t the only one to write down Alejandro’s name. All the guys did. Well, all the guys except for Alejandro, who was so busy being fawned over that he forgot to vote.
“Well, I think that’s everybody,” Cassandra said, once the girls had cast their ballots. Without giving Alejandro a chance to save himself, she opened the ballot box and began tallying the slips inside. About halfway through, she stopped and looked up. “Wow, Alejandro. It seems your teammates really hate you for almost single-handedly costing them the competition. We just might have another unanimous vote here.” She went back to counting and a slow smile crept up her face.
“…Well, who is leaving?” Zero asked when she finished.
“Well, that’s six votes for Alejandro…” Cassandra started to say. “…And seven for someone else.”
“What!?”
“I’m sorry, but it’s time for you to go, …Henri.”
Henri looked up from the lapel of his muddy club jacket, a bit surprised. “I beg your pardon?”
“Bullshit!” Travis jumped to his feet and his pants fell down. “None of the girls voted for Alejandro because they want him in their pants!”
“Oh, that’s a good idea,” Chloe said, and the others giggled. “I think I know where he’ll be sleeping tonight…”
Piper pushed her away. “No way! I’m getting him!”
“Nuh-uh! I am. You’ll probably sit on him by accident or something, you big ditzy ginger.”
“That sooo wouldn’t be an accident.”
“Now, now, ladies,” Alejandro was saying. “Even at my minute size, there’s more than enough of me to share.”
Cassandra picked up the totem that looked like the dapper gentleman and carried it over to the mouth of the volcano. Henri could only stammer incomprehensible excuses of why he didn’t deserve to be voted off this early, but even Travis stopped caring.
“Well, I guess you were pretty worthless too,” Travis said, taking a seat again.
Cassandra dropped the totem into the volcano and those closest to Henri moved away, waiting for him to melt. But nothing happened. He just stood there, still stammering excuses, until it became obvious that he wasn’t going to turn to goo.
“I think your voodoo spell is broken,” Mean Joe said.
“Hm.” Cassandra put a finger to her lips and pretended to be puzzled. “I guess we’ll have to dispose of him manually.”
“Manually?” Henri echoed. “Surely no one here would actually—”
Claudia’s boot came down on top of him with a horrific crash. She held it there for a few seconds and then lifted her foot slowly, turning the bottom of the sole towards her.
“I sure hope Henry stains wash out as easily as mud stains,” she said.
“It’s pronounced ‘On’ree’!” Wendell said.
Claudia put her foot back down. “Now it’s Mud.” And the others laughed.