Somewhere in the South Pacific, where the water is calm and the deep blue sea stretches seamlessly from one horizon to the other, there is a tiny, uncharted island that cannot be found on any map. Lush green forests, white sandy beaches, a ring of cascading waterfalls, and an active volcano at the very heart of the island have made it one of Polynesia's best kept secrets for centuries. Today, as the human population skyrockets past seven billion, the natural glory of Nāmaka’s Island remains untouched, frozen in the hourglass of time.
Which is precisely why Hollywood has decided to turn this paradise into its hottest new reality TV show! Yes, for the past eight months, camera crews have been feverishly installing surveillance equipment and listening devices in every tree, rock, and animal on the island, so that not one square inch is left uncovered.
The rules are simple. Twenty-eight strangers have volunteered (trust us on this) to live on a remote island somewhere in the South Pacific and compete in some of the most grueling, disgusting, dangerous, and morally degrading challenges ever imagined. At the end of each day, one unlucky contestant will be voted off the island and can never, EVER return. This will continue until only one cast member remains, the ultimate champion of Nāmaka’s Island. Who will it be?
Who will be…the LAST ONE STANDING?
--------------------
Well, it was an interesting night, to say the least. I mean, sure, the guys probably weren’t used to being the size of Polly Pocket dolls, but everybody has to get used to some changes when they go camping on a deserted island for a month. So, while the guys bitched and moaned about the dollhouse they had to stay in (SO ungrateful), the girls were all curled up in their warm beds and dreaming about the first day of competition. It couldn’t come soon enough.
“Sun up!” Cassandra called out, and the sun blasted out of the water like a great whale and covered the island in its radiant glow.
“Dammit…” Chloe muttered, covering her face with the blanket. “Nobody told me there’d be this much sun.”
“You should soak it in. It would be good for your complexion.”
Chloe pulled down her sheets to see Butterfly sitting in her open window, legs crossed and eyes closed.
“GET OUT OF MY ROOM!” Chloe chucked a pillow at her.
--------------------
Chloe: It’s not that I don’t like Butterfly. I don’t like anything cheery. Especially at six in the morning.
Butterfly: I think what she needs is one good friend. It’s not healthy to want to live your life in darkness all the time…
Chloe: Stop flashing that camera in my face! [pushes the camera away] Do I LOOK like Mercedes?
Mercedes: Please, darling. I look WAY better in black than Chloe.
--------------------
“Wake up, boys!” Angie said, shaking the dollhouse on the table in the common area of the bungalow. She was only the third girl to do it. By now, all fourteen guys had either fallen out of bed or fallen back onto it. Muttering, they changed their clothes—into exact replicas of what they were wearing the day before—and exited the front door. They were in a great den, with a high (VERY high for them) ceiling overhead and many rows of bedrooms on either side of them. Some of the girls were still changing—also into exact replicas of the clothes they were already wearing—while the others were in the kitchen, preparing breakfast.
“Uh…you don’t suppose they’re going to make us anything, do you?” Dante asked.
“Of COURSE not,” Rusty spat. “They want us to starve. Weaken your competition!”
“Um, excuse me!” Wendell said, looking up at Angie. She must have looked like a mountain to him. “We’re really hungry. Do you think you could bring us some food?”
“I’d love to, Wendell, but…” She frowned. “We don’t know the teams yet. I don’t want to be accused of helping the competition. I’m sure you understand.”
“Like I said!” Rusty declared.
“But Angiiiiie…”
“Sorry!” Angie said. “But I see you have a kitchen in your little house. Maybe you guys could rustle up something for yourselves!”
So she left them there, standing vulnerable and dumbfounded, and they took turns looking at each other, just about as clueless as can be.
“So…uh…who knows how to cook?” Adam asked.
Travis gawked at him. “Yo, that’s a gurl’s job, dawg.”
"Perhaps ah should give room service a’jangle and order up some étoufée,” said Henri, dusting his knuckles on the lapels of his club jacket.
--------------------
Pip: I think I’m the only guy here not completely surprised by what Cassandra did to us.
Piper: You know, I was wrong. My little bro is even MORE adorable now.
Pip: Seriously. This is like the eighteenth time this has happened.
Piper: We get along pretty well, the two of us, but he’s always getting into trouble. Like, last Halloween, for example. He broke into some girl’s house as a prank and claimed he got ‘stepped on’. I didn’t even know what that meant at the time. [leans in closer and whispers] Do you think he was foreshadowing?
--------------------
“Well, I can see most of you guys will be completely useless when it comes to actual competition,” Alejandro said, flexing his muscles, “so, I, Alejandro, will prepare us a meal fit for a king!” He went into the kitchen and then shouted, “Everything here is plastic!”
Wendell slapped his hands over his cheeks. “We’re going to starve!”
“Maybe Cassandra will make it rain food again,” Adam said hopefully. He obviously hadn’t seen this show’s previews.
But an angel answered their call anyway.
“Hi, guys!” said Kathy with a ‘K.’ “I brought you a plate of food. I hope you—” She tripped over her shoe laces and the guys watched in slow motion as her arms flailed through the air and the tray flew from her hands, doing somersaults in the air, before crashing down on top of them.
“YOU BROUGHT US HOT OATMEAL!?” Roger screamed, as the men were forced to work together to tip the boulder-sized bowl over. When they did, those that ended up under the bowl were covered from head to toe in chunks of apple cinnamon oats. “What is your major malfunction, woman!?”
Alejandro came out of the dollhouse just in time to laugh at them.
“Do you want something to drink with that?” Kathy asked.
“NO!” they all shouted.
“I’ll go fetch you some coffee!”
“…We should probably get back in the dollhouse,” Adam suggested. “Somebody needs to wake up Mean Joe anyway.”
“He’s already up,” Zero said. “I saw him go into the bathroom with the sports page.”
“What?”
“You guys better hurry up!” Bridgette said. She was jogging towards the door but stopped long enough to shake the roof of their miniature home. “Don’t want to be late on your first day, do you?”
“Come on, anime boy. Help me get Mean Joe.”
Zero and Adam went back into the dollhouse while the others waited nervously for Kathy to return.
They came out a minute later, waving their hands in front of their faces.
“Dammit, Joe,” Adam said. “Courtesy flush!”
Mean Joe followed them out, laughing. “Whoa! Sorry, fellas. Plumbing ain’t real either. Do NOT go in there. ‘Less, you know, you wanna forget all about that breakfast we ain’t gettin’.”
“Somebody shut the door!” Travis said.
“You guys awake yet?” Lydia asked. She didn’t shake their house, but bent down at the knees and stared at them. The brim of her beret jutted out over their heads like a great big green awning. “Wow. That’s really something, isn’t it? I wonder why Cassandra would want to do that to you.”
“We have our theories,” Rusty said, eyeing her suspiciously. “The real question is: why didn’t YOU do anything to stop her?”
“Huh?”
“I’m onto you, lady! Oh-ho-ho, I’m onto you.”
“Um…okay. I just wanted to wish you guys luck. I hope you all don’t get stepped on before the day is over. Bye!”
Rusty reached for his fourth cigarette of the morning. “She’s right, you know,” he said calmly. “We’ll all be dead soon. S’all part of their plan to create a master race of women.”
“Here’s your coffee!”
The men braced themselves, but Kathy was careful not to step on her untied shoelaces this time. She set a mug in front of them and stood back, grinning from ear to ear, glad to be of service. She wasn’t the most attractive woman in the world, with stringy brown hair and a pink turtleneck sweater covering up the rather chunky parts of her body, but she wasn’t the worst Luigi had ever seen.
“Oh, dear me,” she said. “The mug is far too tall for you to climb. Let me help.” And so she scooped Luigi up and dumped him into the piping hot mug. It didn’t take him long to surface and let out a blood-curdling scream. “Oh, no!” Kathy tried to pluck him out, but her pudgy fingertips only succeeded in tipping over the mug, bringing a torrent of hot coffee pouring across the table, into the stoic faces of the men who were just standing there, waiting for the inevitable.
After the wave of scorching hot liquid had passed, Luigi stood up, soggy and dripping wet.
“Maybe you should just go…” he said.
“But…but how will you guys get to the bonfire?”
“I’m sure we’ll have better luck getting there in one piece without your help.”
Kathy was too much of a ditz to know she wasn’t wanted, so she waved to them and left them to dry off and change their clothes again.
--------------------
Willie: I think the guys were being a little hard on Kathy. I mean, she was just trying to help.
Travis: Bitch done got my hair all messed up!
Wendell: I like Kathy; she’s nice.
Luigi: Hottest time I've ever had with a chubby gal. Hehe.
Rusty: That woman will be the death of us all. [calm drag on cigarette]
--------------------
“You’re going to be late, boys,” Mercedes said. “Chop, chop!” She sauntered past the dollhouse, high heels clicking against the wooden floorboards, and never even glanced at them.
When the men had changed back into their old clothes, they peeked out the doorway to make sure Kathy was gone for good and cautiously stepped out. They left the spilled coffee mess for somebody else to clean up and tried to figure out how they were going to get off the table.
“Get a move on, boys!” Penny said, finishing her breakfast and dumping her plate in the sink.
The men watched her go, covering more ground in one step than they could cover in twenty, and frowned.
“Dude, let’s just ask the next girl to carry us there,” Travis said, and the others agreed.
The kitchen door opened and Maxine stepped out, shoving an armful of chocolate bars into her cargo shorts. When they all wouldn’t fit, she shrugged and stuffed the rest into her mouth, paper and all, and began chewing.
The men stared at her and didn’t say a word as she passed by.
“Did…THAT count as a girl?” Roger asked.
“Looked more like the hair-chested cavern hag boss from the 7th Circle of Hell level in Dragon Inferno IV,” Dante said.
Travis hushed them with his hand. “The next one,” he said.
Suddenly, one of the bedroom doors swung open and Chloe emerged, shrouded in her blanket. The only thing visible of her was her face, which was covered in black make-up, and she took a few steps before throwing her blanket to the floor.
“Next person to talk to me dies,” she said.
“We’re never going to get off this table!” Wendell screamed.
“You guys just going to stay here all day?” came a voice from behind and they all looked over the roof of the house to see Erica looking down at them. She was dressed in a white t-shirt with flowers and pink calligraphy across the front that didn’t spell anything legible but made for an interesting pattern. She flipped her chestnut-colored hair over her shoulder and held an open picnic basket against the side of the table.
“We’re not really looking to be your lunch, lady,” Rusty said.
Erica rolled her eyes. “Just get in.”
They did as she said—except for Dizzy, who was peeking out through the curtains in the hallway. She had to open the window and pluck him out. Then, keeping the lid of the basket open, she put the handle over her shoulder and started towards the door. Naomi and Misra finished their breakfast at the same time and were the last to leave, giggling the whole way to the bonfire on the other side of the beach. The others were already waiting when they got there, including Piper, who had awoken much earlier than sunrise to get a headstart on the day.
“I count fourteen,” Cassandra said. She looked at Maxine, who was still stuffing her face with chocolate. “Did somebody have a little more protein for breakfast than they were supposed to?”
“I got the men right here,” Erica said, setting down the picnic basket. She tipped it over with her heel and all the men came spilling out onto the sand.
“So, uh, what’s the point of the men being six inches tall?” Claudia asked, because apparently nobody else found that a little strange. “I mean, it’s cool and all, but…”
“I think they’re adorable!” Piper said.
“Ugh. Dial it back. Do you HAVE to be so goddamn chipper all the time?”
“Hey, don’t talk to my sister like that!” Pip said.
“Shut up, Pip-squeak.”
Kathy laughed so hard that she began to snort, which disgusted just about everybody there.
“All part of the game!” Cassandra said. “Unless anybody has any complaints…”
The men voiced their objections quite vocally, but the women simply took turns shaking their heads and shrugging.
“So, is this going to be boys against girls?” Claudia asked. “Can we just stomp on the men now and eliminate them?”
The men tried to object to this too, but nobody really cared.
“It won’t be boys against girls,” Cassandra said, acting completely shocked. “That would be most unfair. Shame on you for even suggesting it!” Her voice quickly went from surprised to perky again. “Now, I’ve spent a while studying all of you and I’ve decided to divide you up into what I consider to be the most balanced teams. Each team will consist of seven guys and seven girls, emphasizing a wide range of talents and skillsets.”
“What are the teams then?” Zero asked.
“Follow me to the Temple of Dreams and you will see!”
--------------------
Piper: That was SUCH a relief to hear that the guys won’t have to fend for themselves. Now I can either protect my brother or at least not feel so bad when I’m kicking his butt. Hooray for co-ed teams!
Chloe: So much for crushing the competition. …Oh, well. I’m sure there’ll be other opportunities.
Bridgette: The guys really lucked out on this one. I don’t think they could beat the girls even if they were NORMAL sized. Way too much talent on the girls’ side, if you ask me.
Adam: [praying] Anybody but Maxine, anybody but Maxine…
Dante: I’m trying to think if getting Maxine would be awesome…or the worst thing ever…
--------------------
The Temple of Dreams was a sight to behold. Sure, they were all pretty sure there wasn’t a giant freakin’ temple at the top of the volcano yesterday, but there it was, all big, gold and Polynesian-y, overlooking the great fiery chasm.
“Watch your step,” Cassandra warned the women as they circled around the lip of the volcano. When they were clear of any cracks or crevices that the men might accidentally be pushed through, Erica dropped the basket and dumped the men out again.
At the foot of the temple, there were twenty-eight totems—fourteen big and fourteen small—each representing one of the show’s contestants. In some cases, the stone carvings were so alike that it was difficult to tell the totem from its owner.
“Yup,” Angie said, knocking on Dante’s totem. “Hollow inside.”
“Knock it off!” he said.
She knocked on his head as well. Just to be sure.
“This is where we will meet every night to determine who gets voted off the island,” Cassandra said, in a very serious tone. “If you are voted off the island, your totem will be cast into the volcano as a sacrifice for Pele, the Goddess of Fire, and you will be banished from Nāmaka’s Island FOREVER!” As if to give even more power to her words, the volcano spewed out a small gusher of lava and ash. “However… You can gain temporary immunity by leading your team to victory. Only the losing team will be forced to vote a member off.”
Behind her, on either side of the temple door, there were two large signposts. They were each covered with a thick gray canvas and she stepped between them and spread out her arms.
“Nāmaka has been watching you closely and has decided your fate. Now, behold the ones on whom you must rely if you hope to be victorious!” Fire shot from the volcano and engulfed the canvases instantly. In a flash, they had burned to nothing more than cinders and thread.
Team Rabid Monkeys:
Piper, Lydia, Butterfly, Angie, Claudia, Chloe, Mercedes
Travis, Zero, Dizzy, Wendell, Rusty, Henri, Alejandro
Team Agitated Kangaroos:
Erica, Naomi, Misra, Penny, Bridgette, Kathy, Maxine
Roger, Pip, Adam, Dante, Mean Joe, Willie, Luigi
--------------------
Adam: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU—
Piper: Little bro, you’re going down! [giggles] That wasn’t a size joke, I swear.
Roger: Never seen a sorrier pile’a puke in all my life. Slack-jawed, scrawny,and scatterbrained. I think there’s only one with chest hair in the whole bunch. Our guys look pretty pathetic too.
Erica: Maxine might slow us down some, but I’m sure she has her uses.
Alejandro: I was just given seven reasons to love this island. [blows a kiss to the audience]
Butterfly: Not really sure what a monkey and kangaroo have to do with any of this… And why do they both sound so angry? Why not ‘Purple Rainbows’ and ‘Happy Goldfish’? Isn’t there enough hostility around here?
Naomi: I am sooo glad they put me and Misra together. I don’t know what I would do without her! [thinks it over] …I hope we’re not the first voted off.
Misra: Yes. I am very pleased with the results.
Dante: +10 AWESOME to our team with Bridgette. We’re so OP’d.
Bridgette: I just hope they don’t expect me to carry the whole team.
Wendell: I love my teammates! We’re going to have a BLAST.
Angie: Am I the ONLY one who sees a problem with sticking Chloe and Butterfly on the same team? I mean, the two are like night and day. Literally.
Mercedes: Me, Angie, Claudia, and Lydia on the same team? Hell-ooooo! Talk about stacking the team with stylish dressers.
Kathy: I can’t wait to help my team in any way possible! Maybe I should prepare them coffee…
Travis: Yah, I’m white. So what? I’m black on the inside and that’s what matters. Brotha for life!
Rusty: I bet Maxine eats at LEAST four of us before somebody takes her down.
Chloe: Ugh. Why was I put on the same team as the cheerleader? I came to this island to get away from her kind. Somebody shoot me.
Piper: I don’t know what Chloe’s problem is. I haven’t said one word to her since we got off the boat. [stops and begins counting on fingertips] Oh, crap!
Henri: It’s pronounced ‘ON’REE.’
--------------------
The contestants lined themselves up on their respective teams and Cassandra was most pleased.
“Is everybody ready to begin the first event?” she asked.
They looked the part, so she motioned for them to follow her again and they started down the side of the volcano. Team Rabid Monkeys was right behind her, while Team Agitated Kangaroos…well, they got held up.
“Claudia stole my basket!” Erica yelled. Sure enough, halfway down the volcano, she could see the basket swinging back and forth in the hands of the bitch, with seven tiny heads popped out. Wendell and Zero waved to her, Alejandro blew her a kiss, and Travis flipped her the bird.
The men from Team Agitated Kangaroos frowned, upon seeing their only mode of transportation getting smaller and smaller and further away.
“You want me to get it from her?” Bridgette asked.
“No, it’s okay. Does anybody have any pockets?”
Penny, Naomi, and Misra were all wearing skirts—very appropriate camping wear—with no pockets to be found. Bridgette had on basketball shorts and Erica was wearing a tight pair of jean capris, but neither had enough pocket-space for all the men. And nobody cared what Kathy was wearing below the waist.
“I got this,” said Maxine, when all eyes fell on her and her oversized cargo shorts. She reached her chocolate-stained hands into her pockets and pulled out a glob of crinkled, smeary, somewhat melted chocolate bars, which had fused together in the heat from the volcano.
The men opted to walk.
The site of the first competition was a clearing in the jungle. There were white lines painted in the shape of a large rectangle around the border of the clearing and another line drawn across the middle of the field of play. On this line, there were a series of tropical fruits—including coconuts, mangos, melons, bananas, papayas, kiwis, and even a pineapple or two—spaced out equal distances from each other.
“The first competition will be Tropical Fruit Dodgeball,” Cassandra said, as if it was a totally normal thing. “You will each line up on opposite ends of the field. When I blow the whistle, you will begin play. If you get hit with a fruit, you are out. If you leave the field of play, you are out.”
“What if we catch the fruit?” Willie asked, and the girls laughed at the idea of ANY of the men being able to catch even the smallest fruit at their size.
“The point of the game is to dodge the fruit—not to catch it. If the fruit is thrown by an opponent and touches you in any way before hitting the ground, you are out. Last team with a member still standing is today’s winner. Everybody clear on the rules?”
--------------------
Dante: Okay, so yeah… Not really sure how we’re supposed to throw something bigger than us. Are we going to receive some sort of buff to increase our strength?
Lydia: Tropical Fruit…Dodgeball? [blinks]
Mean Joe: BRING IT ON! Oh, man. This reminds me a’dat time I threw a baked potato at Sanchez when he botched that turnover in the fourth against Tennessee. It was beautiful. They showed a replay on the big screen and everything. ‘Ey, if ya gonna be a butterfingers, at least ya got a good es’cuse now, eh? Huhuhuh!
--------------------
The contestants lined up, the whistle was blown, and they were off.
Bridgette was the first to the line. She grabbed one of the coconuts and chucked it at Henri so hard and so fast that he wouldn’t have been able to defend himself, even IF he had been paying attention. The heavy fruit smashed into him and buried him into the ground like a tent stake.
“YOU’RE OUT!” shouted Cassandra.
Bridgette grabbed another coconut and tossed it between Dizzy and Zero, but they managed to jump out of the way in time.
On the Rabid Monkeys, Piper had done a series of spinning cartwheels to get to the middle line quickly and drew back slowly now with the melon in her hands. She bounced away a few kiwis that the men on the other team tried to throw at her and tossed the melon at Bridgette, who easily evaded.
“Oh, the cheerleader wants to go, does she?” Bridgette said. She grabbed a pineapple by the stalk and swung it around like a lasso before launching it towards Piper at full speed.
Piper ducked and the pineapple smashed into the face of Butterfly, who was…sitting on the ground, meditating.
“Ow!” she cried out, and then she was teleported to the sidelines along with Lydia and Mercedes, who had already been eliminated.
“Never was good at sports…” Lydia said. She took out her sketch pad and began to doodle.
“I totally think I chipped a nail out there,” Mercedes said. She shoved her hand in Butterfly’s face. “How does it look to you?”
As each girl was eliminated, they were magically transported to the sidelines next to Cassandra. The men, however, stayed on the field of play, whether they were still in the game, buried to their necks in the dirt like Henri, or flattened to a pancake, like Mean Joe, who had just gotten stepped on by Kathy.
“Oh, excuse me!” she cried out, and didn’t even see Luigi, who was too busy looking up her pant leggings to notice her sneaker come crashing down on top of him.
“Focus on the game, Kathy,” Bridgette said to her, eyes forward. She blocked a few attacks with the melon and then hurled it at Angie, knocking her to the ground.
As the teams whittled down, Kathy continued to step on her own teammates by accident. She got Dante and Willie and eventually Mean Joe about six or seven more times.
“Would somebody tell Kathy she plays for OUR team!?” Roger yelled from the frontlines, as he quickly backpedaled to avoid the tandem of Piper and Claudia coming at him. He tried to make a run for it, but he was quickly sandwiched between two mangos, as they each threw a dart right at him. He landed with his face in the dirt, sputtering out fruit juice.
“I’ll help!” said Kathy, and she stomped on Roger as she picked up the two mangos and held them to her pudgy chest.
She tossed one of them to Bridgette—and then the other when she realized she couldn’t throw—and Bridgette easily took out Dizzy and Zero this time.
By now, the Rabid Monkeys were down to just three female players—Piper, Chloe, and Claudia—and four men—Alejandro, Rusty, Travis, and Wendell. On the other side, the Agitated Kangaroos were still fully stacked with women—Erica, Naomi, Misra, Penny, Bridgette, Maxine, and, yeah, Kathy, I guess, if you want to count her too—but had lost most of their men, with only Pip and Adam remaining.
The girls on the Rabid Monkeys began to retreat and huddle together in the back of the field like a small group of animals trying to fend off a much larger pack, while the guys…well, they were just trying not to get crushed.
“Get behind this wall with me!” Rusty shouted to the guys on his team, and they all ducked behind a pineapple barricade. “We’ll be safe here. We can wait out the fight and come out later to pick off the survivors.”
“We could use some help here, GUYS,” Claudia said. She reached down and seized the pineapple, giving no consideration to the men who were using it for shelter, and blocked another wave of fruit assault from the Bridgette-Penny tandem.
Piper rolled across the ground, picked up the banana, and swung it like a boomerang at her little brother. It missed him, but spiraled past him, gained some altitude, and struck Penny on the back of the head during the reverse swing. “One down!” Piper caught the banana and threw it a second time, but Bridgette was too far out of reach.
Maxine began to gather all the smashed fruit off the ground and moved towards the middle line when she had an armful of just about everything.
“Ha, ha—I’m going to make it rain fruit!” she snorted. She lowered her arms and got ready to toss everything over the heads of her opponents, when Kathy suddenly ran into her and knocked her down. Chloe was easily able to pick them both off.
“Way to go, Kathy,” Maxine said, shoving her from the sidelines.
Kathy smiled. “The important thing is that we all gave it our best!”
“You took out half of our team,” Penny muttered.
Well, in a sudden swing of events, the Agitated Kangaroos were down to just Erica, Naomi, Misra, and Bridgette on offense, while Adam and Pip were still doing their best not to end up flattened and humiliated like their brethren. Erica lobbed a slow-moving kiwi at Alejandro while Bridgette came through with the fatal blow, blasting Alejandro with a coconut that sent him flying backwards into the trunk of a tree.
“Love hurts,” he said, as the coconut broke in two and he spilled to the ground.
It was now six-on-six and the Rabid Monkeys seemed to be making a dramatic comeback. Still, there were four girls on the other team and only three on theirs. If they wanted to pull the upset, somebody was going to have to step up.
“Let’s get one of the men to sacrifice themselves,” Chloe said.
Claudia ducked under another overthrown melon. “I agree. We gotta take Bridgette out if we’re going to win this thing.”
“I’ll do it!” Wendell said.
“Go for it, little dude.”
Wendell warmed up his muscles by doing a few flexes and then lifted a kiwi over his head and charged the middle line. “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”
Bridgette and the other girls watched him, wondering what the hell he was doing.
“UGH!” He threw the kiwi through the air. It soared and soared and soared some more. And then crashed down two feet in front of him.
And those weren’t the only two feet. Bridgette suddenly stood over him and dropped a coconut on his head.
“Sorry, girls!” Wendell said. “I tried.”
“EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!” Rusty screamed, and that kind of attitude only got him creamed by Misra, who jumped up and down excitedly and celebrated with Naomi.
Piper knocked both girls out with a single melon.
“Good sacrifice!” she yelled at Rusty. “I’m recommending you for MVP!”
“But that’s not what—”
Piper’s heel pressed down on his face as she moved back and dodged another citrus-filled bullet from Bridgette.
Now it was Piper, Claudia, Chloe, and Travis on the Rabid Monkeys, and Erica, Bridgette, Pip, and Adam on the Agitated Kangaroos.
“We can do this, guys!” Erica said, trying to revitalize her teammates. “We just need to—”
“Coffee?” Kathy asked, holding out a steaming mug of coffee and blocking Erica’s view of the other team.
“Kathy, what are you doing!?” Erica tried to look over the fuzzy pink sweater arm, but it was too late. Chloe hit her in the gut with a mango.
“Yes,” Chloe said, doing a small arm-pump. It was all the energy she could muster.
“It’s Tebow Time, bitches,” Adam said, grabbing a chunk of the mango that landed next to him. But instead, he pulled a Mark Sanchez, and ran into Bridgette’s ass as she squatted down to pick something up.
Piper nailed him with the next shot.
“Good shot, dawg!” Travis said.
“I wish you would really stop calling me a dog.”
Bridgette tossed the scattered pieces of fruit she had managed to pick off the ground, but she was outnumbered now. With Piper, Claudia, and Chloe coming at her with fruit swinging, she had no choice but to retreat. She managed to miss the first few papayas and kiwis, but took a shot in the thigh with a melon and was teleported to the sidelines with her teammates, who all threw up their arms in exasperation. Their only teammate on the field was Pip.
“Oooh, little brother,” Piper said, teasing him. “We’re coming for yooou.”
“No! No!” Pip covered his eyes. “I forfeit the game!”
“There is no forfeiting!” Cassandra snapped.
The other girls taunted Pip some more by purposely overshooting him with chunks of pineapple. All across the field of battle, the grass was covered in citrus juice and flattened men.
“Ahhhh!” Pip screamed and picked up a coconut shell to shield himself.
Piper grinned and tossed a heavy melon high into the air. Its shadow slowly moved towards Pip. As it descended, he looked up, saw the spiraling fruit hurdling towards him, and really wished Kathy had just crushed him, like the rest of the team.
The melon splattered all over him and he fell unconscious.
“WINNER: TEAM RABID MONKEYS!”
--------------------
Angie: That was a close one. I really thought they were going to crush us, but…well, I guess they did crush the men…
Mean Joe: Kathy is a retard. That’s RETARD with an ‘R.’
Bridgette: [covered in sweat] Next time. I just ran out of…juice.
Rusty: MVP, folks. You heard it from Piper. [takes a long drag of cigarette]
Misra: I got one! Did you see?
Penny: Bridgette, good. Kathy, bad.
Erica: Well, I can’t say I’m not disappointed. We should’ve won that. I guess we just get some sleep and prepare for tomorrow… But I know who’s getting my vote.
Travis: Only guy to survive! BOO-YEAH!
--------------------
Back at the Temple of Dreams that night, the torchlights were lit and the contestants were all gathered around Cassandra, reflecting on the day’s event.
“Team Agitated Kangaroos…” Cassandra said slowly. “That was a truly terrible performance. You had a significant lead and then blew it worse than the Chargers on a 4th-and-29. I really hope you take a good, long look in the mirror and ask yourselves if you even deserve to be here.” She began passing out slips of paper to each of the team’s members. “Fortunately, one of you won’t be much longer. I would like each of you to write down the name of one team member and submit your ballot in the box in front of the temple.”
The fourteen members of Agitated Kangaroos looked at each other and then down at their empty sheets of paper.
--------------------
Naomi: Everybody gave it their best shot! But, um…if I have to pick somebody…I guess Kathy. That was…really bad. [cringes]
Penny: Kathy.
Mean Joe: She@#$%in’ stepped on me! I’m on her team!
Roger: Do you even need to ask?
Dante: How can we win this if we’re stuck PLing a noob?
Erica: Kathy held us back. She needs to go.
--------------------
The ballots were submitted before long and Cassandra opened the box and counted up the votes. Thirteen for Kathy and one for ‘Kathy with a K.’
“You voted yourself off?” Penny asked.
Kathy put her hand over her mouth. “Whoops. Is that what we were voting for?” She laughed and snorted and everybody was very glad she was about to leave.
“Sorry, Kathy, but your time is up,” said Cassandra, and she walked over to the totems and picked the chunkiest one of all. She carefully lifted it and carried it over to the mouth of the volcano, where a puffing cloud of steam awaited her.
“It’s really been a pleasure meeting you all!” Kathy said, shaking hands with all the women and fingers with all the men. She got about halfway through them before Cassandra dropped the totem into the volcano. Suddenly, Kathy’s entire body melted away, until she was nothing more than a puddle of skin, clothes, and one big goofy smile.
“Watch it, dawg!” Travis said, bouncing away from the gooey puddle of Kathy’s remains.
“So that’s how we leave the island,” Chloe muttered. “…Cool.”
--------------------
Willie: Oi! Perth summers’ll make you feel like your meltin’…but I’ve never seen it happen for truth. Hope that’s not how we’re all goin’ out.
Misra: Um. Is this normal in America?
Wendell: Kathy was so nice. I hope she’s okay!
Mercedes: Don’t get me wrong; I’m glad we won today. But that…was really disgusting. I mean, hurling rotten fruit at each other? Grooooooss.