Reviewer: DudemanguyDate: December 09 2012 7:51 PM Title: Morning-Day 1Hey, since it is your first story, not a lot of criticism will come from me. But, description is key, and write like a story ehh? But just work on this and it will be a good story. Good luck!
My thoughts:Description redo
Jason-Deep brown hair,Outgoing,ADHD,smart,INSOMNIAC
Ally-Jet Black hair,Quiet,serene,smart
Jason Jr(Age:30)-Jet Black hair,Outgoing,ADHD,is a teacher at the high school
Allison(Age:29)-Deep brown hair,Quiet,serene,smart
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Reviewer: deathshinigami Signed [Report This]Date: December 09 2012 10:39 AM Title: Morning-Day 1dood, did his mom give birth to him when she was 14
My thoughts:No, i meant it for a teen child birth,age 18,Allison should be 29-
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Morning-day 1
Chapter:New and Old
Mode:Third-Person
School-Not many people say it's a bad thing,just it's very boring.Jason was one of those people,always getting in trouble for falling asleep in class,though he was usually just dosing off.Nevertheless,he still got straight A's and was never severly punished.He went to his locker and got his stuff for his first hour,which was nothing.The class was Computers,fairly easy and possible his worst class.He was never that good at it,it took him longer than any other class to do the work,because his computer was always broken.While he waited for the bell to ring signaling school to start(which won't happen for another 2 hours at 9:45),He saw a student named Ariana,the pretiest girl in school(though she was never asked out because she was too quiet),she was about as tall as Jason only slitelly shorter,Red hair and,ironically,also had ADHD.
RRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGGGG!!!!!
Jason looked up starteled at the early bell
Weird,he thought,it's only 8:21 and the bell is going off
Jason looked outside to see if it was a fire drill,and saw the clouds rolling in,full of lighting
S***,he thought,it's a Tornado Alert!
As he ran to his first class(standerd protocal for the school to go to the next class in cas of emergency)he wondered what this meant for his day.
Not many people can handle this exitement and still be calm(TROLL),but he was.He ran into the class and stared in disbelief as the compter he sat down at started to control itself
We're sorry students,but the school system has been hacked...classes will be delayed for another hour starting at 10:45
Jason got up and went back to his locker,thinking,now that's new
He sat down and started to read A Child Called It
-fantasy.
One day, he knelt down to tell me how sorry he was. I looked into his face. The change in Father frightened me. He had dark black circles around his eyes, and his face and neck were beet-red. Father's once rigid shoulders were now slumped over. Gray had begun to take over his jet-black hair. Before he left that day, I threw my arms around his waist. I didn't know when I would see him again.
After finishing my chores that day, I rushed downstairs. I had been ordered to wash my ragged clothes and another heap of smelly rags. But that day, Father's leaving had left me so sad that I buried myself in the pile of rags and cried. I cried for him to come back and take me away. After a few minutes of self-comfort, I settled down and began scrubbing my "Swiss cheese" clothes. I scrubbed until my knuckles bled. I no longer cared about my existence. Mother's house had become unbearable. I wished I could somehow manage to escape the place I now called the "Madhouse."
During one period of time when Father was away, Mother starved me for about ten consecutive days. No matter how hard I tried to meet her time limits, I couldn't make it. And the consequence was no food. Mother was completely thorough in making sure I was unable to steal any food. She cleared the dinner table herself, putting the food down the garbage disposal. She rummaged through the garbage can every day before I emptied it downstairs. She locked the freezer in the garage with her key and kept it. I was used to going without food for periods up to three days, but this extended time was unbearable. Water was my only means of survival. When I filled the metal ice cube tray from the refrigerator, I would tip the corner of the tray to my mouth. Downstairs I would creep to the wash basin and crack the faucet tap open. Praying that the pipe would not vibrate and alert Mother, I would carefully suck on the cold metal until my stomach was so full I thought it would burst.