In my moments of solitude, I often start thinking about one of the greatest fundamental flaws in the universe.
There’s no guaranteed escape button.
No end-all eject from existence. Sure, there are ways out, but if you’re in the wrong position, like I am, that button is not in reach. You’d think that would be something a person, one of the most complicated things in the universe, would have if things descended too low into chaos.
Hell, even someone who makes computers knows you need one of those. When you’ve got a virus eating away at your system and no way to stop it at the time, the best you can hope for is just shutting the goddamn thing down and crossing your fingers that you did it in time.
All the times I was dragged to church by the fosters, I’d had it hammered into me that God is running this flawless system, but people sort of screwed it up, and continue to screw it up. That may be so, but the part that I can’t get past is that sometimes, no matter how hard you try to work for the good, you still get fucked over and can’t reach that escape button. All you can do then is exist in a dark void of being where nothing really seems to matter in the slightest. If you ask me, that’s a very serious mistake in the design.
Why couldn’t God design the universe more like a computer?
Am I going insane?
Am I already insane?
No. I’m just aware.
Well, okay, maybe I am a little bit.
But what does it matter anymore?
I shiver a little for no reason in particular. Maybe to remind myself that I can feel. That’s mostly all I have left that belongs to me. Certainly nothing physical on my body actually still belongs to me.
My arms and legs are stretched out as far as they can reach in all directions, my face laid on its side, my entire naked body plastered neatly on top of Julia’s equally naked bare foot, encapsulated by the all-encompassing hovel of her fur-lined leather boot. As I tremble, I can almost feel the warmth from Julia’s skin rising up into my body, nourishing me.
Keeping me well-distanced from that escape button.
If there even is one.
I feel my girlfriend’s foot shifting slightly forward in the boot, the ball of her foot rubbing against the sweat-slicked velvet insole with a dull squeak that causes my awareness to quicken. With my entire body pressed firmly against the smooth slope on the upper half of her appendage, I can feel every motion in Julia’s body. The barely malleable indentations in her flesh as I shift slightly in my tight prison. The pumping of tiny, intermingling muscles below the skin working tirelessly just to push her foot forward a few inches in her boot, probably as she leans back in her chair at school.
Julia’s ankle shifts backward a little, allowing a few precious rays of artificial light from ceiling fluorescents to seep into the furry cave I find myself lodged uncomfortably in. I watch the light break through shadow, following the barely visible rise of smooth veins running along the top of Julia’s foot like a roadmap, all the way to me. I see my pathetically small hands clinging as tightly to the skin of my goddess’s foot as I can, and almost feel surprised to see them.
For a moment, the idle thought crosses my mind to clamber up the slope of the giant foot and attempt to crawl up into the light. Just for a moment. Just so my eyes could adjust to the warm glow out there again. Just so I could escape the muggy environment clouding my face like a plague. Just so I could inhale a fresh breath of air and be momentarily rid of the overpowering stale stench of grime and sticky dried sweat clinging to the doughy flesh that surrounds me like a plateau of decay. Julia only put me in here a few hours ago, but with how thoroughly I’ve been swallowed by the silence and darkness, left to fester in my own mind, it might as well have been a few years. It’s the same routine as usual.
Foolish, of course. And pointless. Julia would feel her passenger moving, and the moment I showed a single millimeter of myself, I would find a monstrous thumb jamming down on my head, roughly inserting me back into my place.
Still, the promise of light and cool is tantalizing and tempts me like water to a man lost in the desert. My throat dry, my eyes blinking uncertainly a few times, I begin to drag myself further up Julia’s foot. There’s not much room to operate, with the heavy buffer of gray, silky fur bearing down on me like bushes, but with some effort, I manage to pull myself higher. Wrapping my legs as far as they will reach around Julia’s ankle, I turn my face upward.
The light is almost blinding, but it feels good as it hits my face, the coolness settling on my skin as well. I inhale slowly, savoring the neutral flavor of the air, even noticing a few other enticing discoveries making their way across Julia’s classroom in small traces. A flowery perfume. A sporty deodorant. A smeared grass stain. All wonderful. All new. All short-lived.
I blink and find myself staring up at Julia’s bemused face. She raises an eyebrow at me subtly, not quite making eye contact for fear of attracting attention, but knowing she has to get me down further in case something goes wrong. Her hand comes lower and lower, blocking out my beautiful light I was so enjoying. I swallow hard as her firm fingers wrap around me in a cocoon of flesh and burrow me back down into the darkness of the boot.
I sigh, accepting it for now. Despite ending my illegal little peep from the black and damp recesses of her boot, Julia seems calm, her cool fingers handling me gently, her fingertips trying awkwardly to caress me as she continues pushing me further and further down into the boot until I feel my rear end bump against the rounded toe section of the boot.
As the gigantic fingers of my forced lover slide out carefully from below me, I feel my legs swinging down and landing roughly on the smooth, bulbous digits taking up residence there. I have no chance. Obviously in a playful mood, Julia arches her toes around me and easily snags one of my legs between two of the dexterous piggies, instantly snapping them back down and curling inward against the slick base of the boot.
With a short gasp, I find myself sliding half-buried under Julia’s heavy toes as they begin tapping gently against my face and torso.
Soft. Smooth. Warm. Almost inviting.
And yet I can’t remember what I saw happen however long ago to Beth by these very toes, gripping the poor, defenseless woman and dragging her violently across the carpet until her entire body was covered in bloody burns from the ride.
How long ago was it, even? It seems like it might be disrespectful to have already forgotten the date I witnessed the grisly event that devolved every one of us into simple hamsters in the eyes of Julia, but I honestly can’t tell. I stopped caring far too long ago. The only true indicator of time I have anymore is that Anna, despite swelling to a rotund shape, hasn’t yet given birth to her child. That, as well, is the only real reminder we have that life still exists in the universe.
A toe, slimy with a day’s worth of constant stepping and pressing against the sweltering insole, slides easily along my body and across my neck. Even in the dark, I can tell precisely what’s going on. I can feel every move of every muscle in Julia’s foot working with such surgical precision on me.
Satisfied with her footwork, Julia finishes rolling me completely underfoot, her toes scrunching over my body as I am deposited easily by the massive things against the damp, matted-fur base of the boot. I cough a few times, finding my lungs filling with the salty grit of the day, plastered in encrusted liquid form across almost every inch of these gargantuan feminine feet like a timeline of events.
I sigh to myself as Julia gently lays her toes across my body like a log, the ball of her foot smothering any slight backdraft that could creep from the musty heel of the boot. She’ll be home from school soon, and then I can come out. Then I can get the fresh air and light I so crave.
Am I already insane?
Probably.