They sift the human storm for souls, eat flesh of reason, fill tombs with sinners. They frenzy forth. In gusts they beetle-scurry, creep, thread, filter, motion, make all moons sullen, and surely cloud all clear-run waters. The spider-web hears them, trembles—breaks. Such are the autumn people. Beware of them.”

-Something Wicked This Way Comes, Ray Bradbury

The sounds of battle raged throughout the suburban street, the moans of zombies, the howl of werewolves, and the crack of a bone whip echoing into the moonlit sky.

“W-Watch it!” Alex screamed, jostled around in Candy’s cleavage as the girl angrily shoved a broken glass bottle through a zombie’s eye socket.

“Brains!” the creature screamed angrily, stumbling over.

“It’s not my fault you never gave me any outfits with firm underwear!” Candy hissed, spinning and punching another of the creatures that was coming up behind her. A vile green goo oozed out of the collapsed face, covering her hand as she withdrew it in disgust. “UGH!” she moaned, whipping her fingers and causing the gunk to fly across the pavement.

“Y-You try finding doll sized clothes that have functional underwear!” Alex protested, squeaking as the sweat rolling down Candy’s breasts caused her to slip further.

“Here I found this!” Dan shouted, a blue glow covered a chainsaw, levitating it out of a nearby garage. The start cord pulled, seemingly on it’s own, and it roared to life.

“Groovy!” Candy shouted excitedly, taking it from the ghost. She hefted it over her head and shouted as she brought to bear on her attackers.

Closer to the gate of Valeria’s house the two werewolves were holding their own, snarling as their inhuman strength gave them an edge over the wave of walking corpses. Trent tossed one of the ghouls overhead, causing a chorus of “braaaainnns!” as it bowled over dozens of its fellows.

“How many dead people are buried around here!?” Lupe screamed, swiping upwards with her claws and causing a zombie to stagger back.

“Well, uh,” Trent gulped, seeing the zombies regrouping around them, “I’ve heard that people from nearby towns used to bury their own people here… something about good luck?”

“I’m feeling super fucking lucky!” Lupe roared, kicking another zombie so hard that it folded over on itself. She growled, spinning to her partner, “Listen, Trent, I know we haven’t been together long but… If we get out of here alive, I want to take our relationship to the next level!”

Trent started, the brief lapse allowing a zombie to claw feebly at his face. With a grunt he pushed it off, turning to Lupe, shock on his face.

“Y-You don’t mean,” he started.

“That’s right,” Lupe said with a dreamy smile, “I want you to get my name tattooed on you.”

Trent balked, even as the zombies pressed around them, “You’re fucking kidding!?”

“What?” Lupe laughed, “I’m not saying it’s got to be somewhere obnoxious, but maybe across your pecs or…” Trent yelped as Lupe darted towards him, slapping his ass playfully and causing him to yelp in surprise.

“W-We’ll talk about this later!” Trent protested, tackling a zombie in midair as it lunged at them.

Madison just scowled, flicking her body’s wrist and letting the whip tear any zombie who dared to approach her to pieces. She almost casually trotted her horse through the battlefield until she arrived at Valeria.

“For the glory of the vampires!” Valeria screamed, hewing and hacking at Zombies with lightning speed, her sword a silver blur as the red runes glowed with magic.For Brendan it was like being on a bumpy roller coaster, and he was jostled about as she swung her blade, finally, mercifully, falling deep   into her cleavage that her breasts surrounded him, muffling the sounds of the battle and hiding him from sight.

“Valeria,” Madison called, trying to get the vampire’s attention.

“Address me as your dark mistress!” Valeria cackled, throwing herself into the battle.

“No,” Madison snapped.

“I vould remove your head for this insolence if it vas not already…” she scowled and gestured to Madison’s head, still buckled to the Dullahan’s belt.

“Ha ha,” Madison deadpanned, “listen, I know you’re enjoying fighting the zombies, but they’re just fodder, they don’t really matter.” She pointed to Miss Hotep, who was slowly pacing the edge of the fight, a smug look on her face as her eyes gleamed and the tattoos on her arms seemed to dance in the low light. “You need to figure out something for her, she’s the one causing all of this, you could kill all the zombies and she’ll just summon up some new minions until she’s tired us all out!”

“Ah, of course,” Valeria grinned, levitating off the ground, “then I vill take the fight to her!”

“NO!” Madison shouted, but it was too late. Valeria shouted a battle cry, flying above the zombies and landing in a perfect fighting stance in front of Hotep.

“Oh, finally going to come say hi?” she mocked, tipping her top hat slightly.

“Die beast!” Valeria shouted, slicing at Hotep. The other woman just rolled her eyes as the sword passed through her.

“So your mother taught you my true name, but apparently left out that I can’t be killed with a butterknife?” Hotep laughed. Her hair became a mass of tendrils, shooting out and wrapping around Valeria, who shouted in surprise as her arms were pinned to her sides.

“Vill sorcery suffice?” Valeria shouted, her eyes briefly flashing red as she muttered an incantation. A red bolt seemed to fly down Valeria’s body, impacting the tendrils and causing Hotep to pull back with a grimace.

“Ah, it’s like a bee sting,” Hotep giggled, “I’m sure that’s impressive to a mortal girl, but I’ve tangled with heaven and hell.” Hotep flicked her wrist, and Valeria screamed as she was thrown backwards, colling with the mob of zombies attempting to reach the rest of her minions.

“Urgg…” Valeria moaned, rubbing her head as she sat up.

“Are you okay?” Brendan shouted, the impact had knocked him clear out of her cleavage, and he was resting on her shoulder as she sat up.

“She is too strong,” Valeria muttered, “I am not as skilled at spellcraft as I vould like… if I cannot overpower her-“

“You need to banish her,” Madison said, her horse trotting up to them again, “I’d do it, but I can’t read any incantations from Die Vermis Mysteriis without banishing myself too.” The horse reared itself up as Hotep smirked at them all, “also, if she hears someone reading a banishment from that book, she’ll attack them immediately. We’ll need to keep her busy somehow.”

“The verevolves vill-“ Valeria began, but she looked back to see Trent, Lupe, and Candy, fighting more desperately as the undead horde pushed them against the gate.

“I think they’re out for this one,” Madison muttered, “she’s not kidding when she says she can take on demons. I’ve got enough magical firepower to make her stay corporeal, then you can start hitting her with the sword. It won’t really harm her, but it’ll probably hurt.”

“Somevun vill need to go back for the book,” Valeria grumbled, hefting the blade.

“Put me back to full size!” Brendan shouted, “I can do it!”

Valeria chuckled, “No, you vill stay close to my heart my love,” she gently pushed him back down between her soft breasts with her free hand. “Do not feel sad,” she sighed, patting his head with one fingertip, “the book is in a mixture of German, Latin, and languages older than mankind, even I cannot read some parts of it…”

“Ah,” Brendan muttered, looking up at her enormous face and feeling a little embarrassed, “okay… well what then? If you go back for the book Valeria-“

“The way she was talking about Valeria, she’s here about some grudge with the family,” Madison said, “Nyarlathotep is an odd being, I doubt she cares about the rest of us or this world… Valeria goes into the house, Hotep will too, and she’ll probably stop messing around and just kill the rest of us.”

“So vhat then?” Valeria growled, “ve simply play vith her?”

“I’m pretty sure she could kill us all at any moment, but she’s enjoying this,” Madison said, gesturing at the cackling ringmaster, “we need to keep fighting her and hope for some kind of opening.” With that she reared her horse, screaming as she cracked her bone whip and charged again.

…

“The dials are doing a bunch of crazy stuff over here!” Howard shouted as the machine filled the air with static electricity. West’s hair was standing on end, as was Howard’s as the two ran back and forth, flicking dials and throwing switches as Stein’s machine roared through the dark auditorium.

“Yes!” Stein cackled from her spot, shackled to the test bed, “I can feel it!”

“H-How big does she need to be?” Howard asked.

“Big enough to step on a horde of zombies like they were cockroaches,” West muttered, “we need to get across a war zone of a town and get to the vampire’s house, that last page of the book we have doesn’t have the banishment ritual on it, but if we can reach the rest of it, I’m confident I can figure things out.”

“Are you sure?” Howard asked nervously, “if we get the book back and we can’t, we could be dealing with a crazy elder god that knows we tried to betray her.”

West grunted angrily as she watched the electricity arc through the air over Stein, “Look here Howard, it’s too late to back out now! Stein’s either going to make the Fifty Foot Woman look like a joke or she’s going to splatter all over these walls here! The only reason we’re even trying this is for you anyways so be appreciative!”

“What do you mean for me?” Howard asked, the roar of the machine forcing him to shout as his hair stood on end.

West stopped, turning and letting the rush of air in the auditorium whip her black hair around her face, the reflection of the lightning in her glasses giving her a mad look.

“Stein and I were both very happy letting the zombies have the world, we’re geniuses Howard, we’d have figured out a way to get by and continue our work, but then there was you…” She sighed and stepped forward, stroking his cheek slightly, “now I think I speak for Stein in my thoughts on this-“

“YOU DO!” the other doctor roared as her back arced, her face contorting with pain as the energy built in her.

“We like having you around,” West continued, “you are just the most perfect, most adorable little lab mouse! Honestly? When you said you wouldn’t come with us, my first instinct would have normally been to load up a syringe with serum, jab you in the back, and just shrink you permanently.” She saw his nervous gulp and grinned, “yes Howard, tantalizing, isn’t it?” He yelped as she reached down, squeezing a raging erection he hadn’t realized he’d had, “but…” she sighed, “it would make you feel bad, and despite it being a basic scientific practice to not get overly attached to the lab animals… if you felt bad, I think I’d feel bad about it too.” She shivered as though she’d just tasted something bitter, “God it feels awkward to say that!”

“T-Thanks,” Howard said, truly touched.

“I-I C-CONCUR!” Stein shouted, “I… OH NO HERE IT COMES!” she screamed as the energy reached its maximum levels, the lights in the auditorium, and indeed all over campus, flickering slightly, then going out.

Stein felt herself begin to stretch, shouting in pain as the table beneath her seemed to shrink, digging into her back as her sides spilled off it, then breaking under her weight. With a grimace she forced herself upright, and then grinned as she saw the ceiling approaching. With a mad cackle she felt it crack upon contact with her skull, the masonry, wood, and steel giving away like eggshells and cardboard before the energy behind her growth. The building itself shook, and the rooftop crumbled away as she stretched into the autumn night.

“YES!” She roared excitedly as she continued to grow, her sides pressing against the building, “IT’S EVERYTHING I WANTED!” With a laugh she stretched her legs, stepping out and through the brick wall of the building, causing it to crumble in her wake.

The euphoria of being a hundred feet tall was briefly interrupted as she heard her companions scream in terror behind her. She paused, looking back guiltily.

“Oops, umm… hold on!” she called, her foosteps thundering as she turned back around. She knelt down, pawing through the rubble until she found Howard and West in each other’s arms, thankfully unharmed, a steel crossbeam shielding them from most of the wreckage.

“S-STEIN YOU FOOL!” West snapped, “be careful!”

“Sorry,” the enormous scientist muttered, scooping the two into the palm of her hand, “the moment got away from me.” She stood up again, bringing the pair up to the breast pocket of her lab coat, which now billowed over the campus like a cloud. “You should be safe in here,” Stein muttered, glancing out over the town as her two passengers poked their heads out.

“Very well, onward!” West called, poking her hand out of the pocket and pointing in the direction of Valeria’s house.

…

“Catch!” Madison shouted, galloping her horse towards Hotep and tossing burning Jack O’ Lanterns one after the other.

Tentacles burst from the pavement, blocking them from hitting the outer god, but she winced in pain a moment later as Valeria sliced through the wall of writing flesh with her sword, hissing as she dove for Hotep’s avatar.

“I think not,” Hotep growled, moving her hand up with lightning speed and simply deflecting the blade. Valeria kept flying, tumbling over her shoulder in a move that almost caused Brendan to fall out of his place in her cleavage once again.

“Is that a tiny human in your bra dear?” Hotep laughed, “I see more and more of them in the multiverse these days… Let me see him!” a tendril of Hotep’s cyclopean hair slithered out, and before Valeria could react it slipped into her dress, lifting a screaming Brendan out as it coiled around him.

Brendan just grimaced, fighting his bonds as he was lifted before the giant and amused face of their foe. She noticed the yellow eyes, and chuckled softly.

“Vampirism is one of my favorite pyramid schemes,” she mused, glancing back to where Valeria was hacking desperately at the rising tentacles to reach them, “she brings you in as her slave, in another thousand years you bring someone in… and on and on… you’re not even going to be one of the bloodsucking ones, are you?”

“If I become a vampire, it’ll be one like Valeria,” he snarled.

“If,” Hotep laughed, “funny stuff… How about we look into one another’s eyes and I’ll show you what’s waiting for you.”

“BRENDAN DON’T!” Madison shouted, but it was too late, the two of them had made eye contact. Brendan felt drowsy as the world went blurry, and the last thing he heard was Hotep’s mocking laughter as things went black.

…

“Good evening my pet,” Valeria laughed wickedly, tossing Brendan’s tiny body out of his cage and causing him to roll upon the red carpeted floor.

He groaned as he forced himself to his feet, slowly shuffling his way towards Valeria’s waiting shoes. He blinked, his mind was foggy, but memories surfaced. He’d been turned into a vampire by Valeria centuries ago, and the bitemarks on his neck still hurt every day. She’d immediately drained him of his size, refusing to ever let him feed and keeping him in this small form ever since.

“Faster!” she snapped, a foot twice his size snapped out, knocking him over and causing him to sprawl on the ground again.

“Vhat a useless toy,” Valeria sneered, “should I simply crush you for being so lazy?” her foot pressed down on his back, her soft sole grinding him against the carpet, back and forth. “You have been like this for three hundred years now, and you still are so slow to climb in my shoes! How are ve to start the night if you can’t get to your proper station!?” She gave a faux sigh, lifting her foot and plucking him up with her toes. She casually dropped him in, letting him rest against her insole for a moment before her foot reunited with him, slipping into the black dress shoe and sealing out the light.

“Ahh… Brendan,” Valeria laughed, “to think you villingly agreed to be my slave for eternity… vas this vhat you imagined?” She giggled, “if you are thirsty be sure to lick vell vhile you are down there, remember ve decided your next drink of vater vould be vhen the century ends… until then my foot vill suffice, I think.”

Deep in the depths of her shoe, Brendan pitifully extended her tongue, driving it as hard as he could against the pale toes that scrunched around him.

…

“VHAT IS SHE DOING!?” Valeria howled, trying to cut her way through the ever rising wall of tendrils. From where she and Madison stood, Hotep seemed to simply be staring at Brendan, who had gone limp.

“She’s in his mind!” Madison shouted, “but she’s distracted now, go back for the book and-“

“I VON’T LEAVE HIM!” Valeria screamed, and with a bloodcurdling howl she pressed through even as the tree trunk thick appendages appeared from the air, whipping and grasping at her.

…

Brendan’s arms ached as they were raised above his head. Valeria had tied his hands together at the wrist and fastened him to a gold necklace, one which she wore now as she relaxed atop a gothic castle beneath the moonlight.

“You make such a fine decoration pet,” Valeria teased, running her finger along his naked body, “you vere simply meant to be vorn…” she stood up, causing his body to fall into the gap between her breasts as she adjusted her “necklace.” She giggled and pressed the massive orbs against him, smothering him and causing him to grunt feebly as the milky white pillows snuffed out the pale moonlight.

…

Trent, Lupe, and Candy stood shoulder to shoulder against the fence, dismembered zombies lay piled around them, and the chainsaw, long out of gas, stood discarded behind a wall of the hungry dead, reaching for them greedily.

“You guys, I think this is it,” Candy muttered.

“H-Hey, since I’m tiny, could you like throw me over the fence or something-“ Alex asked feebly, fighting her way up out of Candy’s cleavage again.

“I don’t think you’ll get far,” Dan said, appearing next to them, “there are like twenty zombies back there too, it’ll be like throwing a tiny piece of chum into a fish tank.”

Alex gulped, “nevermind…”

“Look, guys, dying’s not the end of the world,” Dan said in what he hoped was a soothing tone.

“I kind of wanted to do it later in life,” Trent muttered.

A rumbling footstep interrupted the conversation, and the zombies paused, edging back from them slightly. The group looked to one another, then down at the end of the street where a massive shape was blocking out the moon.

“Oh look, another pathetic little car!” Stein shouted eagerly, “SQUISH!” The hundred foot doctor slammed her boot down on a parked van, instantly crumpling it to metal and broken glass.

“Stop stepping on people’s cars!” Howard shouted from her pocket, “what if we have to pay for them after this or something?”

“Please Howard, we’ll say the zombies did it,” West said dismissively, “Oh, Oh Stein, over there, step on that one! The brand new Corvette!”

Stein laughed madly, grinding her heel down on the next vehicle, similarly destroying it in a spectacular fashion.

“What the hell is this!?” Lupe shouted at the top of her lungs, catching the attention of the giant and her two passengers.

“Ah, right,” Stein muttered, squaring up and looking down the street, “with all the smashing stuff I forgot the whole reason we were coming in the first place…” She cleared her throat, “behold Nyarlathotep and undead minions, I, Doctor Francine Stein, along with my colleague Doctor Helen West, and our intern Howard, are here to SAVE THE WORLD, and there’s nothing you can do about it!” She struck a pose and laughed maniacally.

“What are you waiting for?” Howard shouted, “go save them!” he pointed to the zombie horde pinning the trio against the gate.

“Of course,” Stein grinned, stomping her way down the street.

“BRAAAIINNNSSS!” the zombies moaned, moving as one towards the massive target.

“SHOOOESS!” Stein mockingly replied, crushing the approaching creatures. “Ugh…” she groaned, looking at the green ooze coming out from beneath her soles as she decimated the undead, “remind me to throw these out when I’m normal sized…”

“Quickly, lower us down!” West shouted.

The pair were plucked from her pocket and placed on the ground before the stunned group, “What the hell, are you guys good now?” Trent asked, baring his claws.

“Good enough,” Howard shouted, “where’s the book?”

“It’s back in Valeria’s library,” Lupe said, “how do we know we can trust you?”

“My dear, look around,” West said, gesturing at the tentacled monstrosity fighting with Madison and Valeria, then at the horde of Zombies Stein was attempting to crush into submission, “what could we do to make things any worse? Get me the book, I summoned that thing here, I can send it back.”

“Fuck it,” Trent muttered, turning around and gripping the iron gate. With a grunt he forced it open, the gears whining as it opened the way to Valeria’s yard.

“I’ll handle these ones outside!” Stein shouted gleefully, “stepping on Zombies is all the fun of stepping on people, without the moral quandaries!”

“Uh guys?” Candy muttered, “we’ve still got a zombie problem,” she gestured inside the gate, where the zombies milling around Valeria’s yard were beginning to converge on them.

“Follow us!” Lupe said, howling as she and Trent swiped at the shambling ghouls, clearing a path to the door.

A blue glow illuminated the doorhandle, flicking the lock open and swinging it wide, “Come on!” Dan shouted as the group ran inside.

…

“Vhy is she doing this!?” Valeria asked, pointing to where Hotep continued to stare at Brendan, “vhat secrets could she vant from him!?”

Madison was quiet a moment, “she’s… consuming his soul, she’ll break him mentally and then-“

She didn’t finish, with a flash of silver steel and blood red runes Valeria threw herself into battle one final time.

Hotep glanced up briefly, and gave her a smile that could have frozen a pond on a summer day. Valeria screamed, red energy flowing around her as she summoned up everything she had within her to close the distance, disintegrating the dark green tentacles the very second they burst from the ground.

It wasn’t enough, and Valeria cried out in sorrow as Hotep waved a hand, a fresh swarm of tentacles pulling at her arms and legs, holding her inches from the otherworldly invader.

“Brendan,” Valeria whispered, “I…”

…

“Look at you, vorthless!” Valeria laughed, looking at Brendan as he struggled in her hand. “I have had my fun vith you, the time has come to remind you that you vere never anything more than food to me…”

Brendan’s head hung limp as she lifted him to her mouth, grinning widely as her fangs poked through her lips, her maw slowly opening to show him his final resting place. The centuries of torture had broken him, and he was almost glad for it to be over…

I love you Brendan…

He started, it wasn’t the Valeria holding him that had said that, but it was Valeria’s voice... He blinked, looking up at her curiously.

“What?” Valeria asked angrily.

“You’re…” he blinked again, his mind’s wheels turning, something about the way she spoke seemed to be clearing his mind, “you’re not-“

“I am Valeria!” she snarled, “and you are a meal!” she thrust him towards her lips.

“Ask me if I want cheese and peppers,” he rasped, grinning as the false memories melted away like warm wax.

“Why in the void would I ask you if you want cheese and peppers!?” the false Valeria asked angrily.

“I vould like cheese and peppers,” Brendan laughed dreamily, imitating Valeria’s accent as the dream ended.

…

Hotep snarled, staggering back as she kept her hold on Brendan, “YOU LITTLE SHIT!” she snapped, rubbing her head, “do you have any idea how bad it hurts when a mental invasion fails?”

“Brendan!?” Valeria asked, her yellow eyes lighting back up as she smiled.

“Still here,” he grunted.

“Enough of this,” Hotep shouted, her eyes glowing a deep purple color. Above them the shadow of a dozen spikey tendrils crossed the moon, “I’ve spent enough time toying with you, I-“

…

“This should be it,” West muttered, pointing to a page in Die Vermis Mysteriis that none of the rest could read, “Anyone got any last words?”

“I’m the one who ran up that phone sex bill on the house’s landline,” Alex squeaked meekly from her prison in Candy’s cleavage. “I’m sorry Trent, I blamed Brendan for it but it was meeee” she sobbed.

“Well, that’s the last mystery in my life solved,” Trent said, rolling his eyes, “read the spell doc.”

…

Hotep raised a glowing hand to strike at Valeria, but gasped in horror as her fingers seemed to fall away like wet, crumbling sand.

“No!” she screamed, “WEST YOU TRAITOR!”

“And do not return,” Madison growled, placing her head back on her shoulders as the burning pumpkins hovering around her crashed to the pavement, becoming mere carved gourds again.

“I’ll be back!” Hotep shouted as her body crumbled to dust, “that which is not dead can eternal lie Valeria! I’ll be back-“

A final gust of late autumn wind scattered the dust that had been Miss Hotep among the swirling fall leaves.

Brendan looked up in a daze as the giant form of Valeria stepped over to him. Her slender fingers slipped behind his back, lifting him up slowly as the soft pillow of her palm embraced him. He sighed, enjoying the first ray of sun creeping over the horizon over Valeria’s shoulder as she snuggled him against her cheek.

He started, eyes going wide, “Valeria!” he shouted, “the sun’s coming up!”

“Let it, I’m in my true love’s embrace, and so I vill not burn,” she said dreamily. She turned to face east, watching the clouds become orange in the distance, “it’s very beautiful,” she murmured.

“This is all very sweet,” Stein boomed, kneeling down over them, “but… Miss Valeria, could we perhaps talk about some… lenience for some things that hypothetically my partner and I might have done? Solely for the sake of science you understand…”

“This is going to be a nightmare to clean up,” Madison muttered, looking at the destroyed street and the now dead-again zombies, “I hope the bookstore is okay.”

“The mess vill still be here tomorrow,” Valeria sighed, “for now… let us rest.” She gave Brendan one final warm smile, before returning him to his place between her breasts, pushing him down deep enough that the early morning rays disappeared, replaced by darkness and the soft allspice scent of Valeria’s skin.