* * * * *

GOTHAM CITY
(JULY 2000)

It had been more than thirty years since the original Batman had disappeared. Yet, there were some residents of this fair city who still remembered his gray-and-black costume. And Broadway actor Valmont Killdeer was one of them. It was one of the reasons why he was now on his way to the charity fund-raising masquerade ball, in Julius Schwartz Memorial Park, in a replica of that costume!

Heaven knows, it had not been easy to find a costume shop that sold one. Indeed, Killdeer had had to custom-order the outfit from a specialty store in Hollywood. Unfortunately, the golden-yellow utility belt was merely a painted-on facsimile. So, Killdeer had been forced to use the scallop-edged cape to hide a "fanny" pack containing his wallet.

He was just five minutes from the entrance to the party when he heard a decidedly female voice calling:

"Peanuts! Get your fresh-roasted peanuts, here."

Killdeer turned to his left, and saw a food vendor's cart bearing a white sign (with crimson lettering) which read:

"MAJOR RHETT'S HONEY-ROASTED PEANUTS."

The sales girl pushing the cart was a striking young thing. Curly blonde hair; blue eyes; and wearing a white drum major's uniform with a blue midi-skirt. Offset by white go-go boots, and an orange busby adorned with a white plume. Although, because of the ambient temperature, her uniform jacket was partially unbuttoned.

Revealing a tank top undershirt with a low neckline.

"Would you like to sample my goodies, mister?" she inquired with a straight face, the moment she saw him.

Unable to resist such a sales pitch, Killdeer grinned and walked on over to the cart.

"Could I take a preliminary sniff?" he asked: "To see if they're really fresh-roasted?"

"Go right ahead," she replied.

So, Killdeer bent down, and inhaled the honey-scented aroma with his eyes closed. Which was a pity, really. For, then, he would have seen the cart's steam whistle turn in the direction of his face...

...and emit a pillar of bright orange sleeping gas!

Killdeer immediately began coughing, even as he began to lose consciousness and fall to the ground. The sales girl, on the other hand, grinned through the transparent oxygen mask she wore over her mouth and nostrils. It was only after the sleeping gas had cleared away that she crouched down. Removing the white plume from her busby, in the process. And, then, sticking the knife-sharpened quill of it into the unconscious man's right posterial cheek!!

A minute later, she placed something into her cleavage, before rebuttoning the uniform jacket and leaving the park. But, without the cart...or the costume.

Twenty minutes later, at stately Wayne Manor, Alfred Pennyworth, Junior approached Richard Grayson-Wayne and his son, Bruce Gordon Wayne, with a dire expression on his face.

"It's the Batphone, sir."

"Thank you, Alfred."

The second-generation Dynamic Duo raced into the soundproof study and put the now-cordless hotline, to GCPD Headquarters, on speaker mode.

"Yes, Commissioner?"

"Bad news, Batman. That celebrated thespian, Valmont Killdeer, was evidently kidnapped in broad daylight, while en route to that Wayne Foundation soiree in Schwartz Park. And, the ransom note left on his masquerade costume was signed... 'The United Underworld.' "

"We're on our way."

Less than a minute later, the Dynamic Duo were peeling out of the Batcave in their new-generation Batmobile.

[Cue the "Na-Na-Na" song.]

To be continued

* * * * *

The Batmobile that pulled to a stop at GCPD Headquarters differed from its predecessor, quite considerably. Where the original had been an atomically-powered modification of the 1955 Lincoln Futura concept car, its modern-day counterpart consisted of a 1985 Chevy Impala chassis on a 1970 Corvette convertible frame. With a jet propulsion system that utilized methane gas derived from...

...bat guano!

In any case, when the Caped Crusaders arrived in his office, Commissioner Anthony James Gordon wasted no time showing them the ransom note.

" 'If you wish to see Valmont Killdeer returned, alive and unharmed, you are to send Batman and Robin (and only them!) to the old drive-in movie theater, on Tarantino Road, no later than midnight, tonight. They are to bring the ransom into the snack bar in a black attaché case. And the ransom is to consist of $750,000.00 in bearer bonds. With another quarter-million taking the form of a Moroccan-bound stamp album recently bequeathed to the 'Rare Books' section, of the Gotham City Public Library, by the late Harriet Cooper!' "

" 'Any delay in meeting these demands--any signs of police back-up--and Killdeer dies. In a vat of boiling peanut oil!' "

It was signed, as already indicated: "The United Underworld."

"I don't get it," said Robin: "The original Joker, Riddler, Penguin, and Catwoman are either retired and living abroad...or dead from old age. And their sociopathic namesake successors are either on the run, committed to Arkham, or the tragically ironic victims of their own deathtraps. So, who could this new bunch be?"

"They might have been revived under new management," replied Batman: "For instance; the second half of that ransom demand. A Moroccan-bound stamp album? Definitely reminiscent of the Bookworm and Colonel Gumm!"

"You could be right," affirmed the Commissioner: "Because, just before you got here, I received a fax from Interpol. Two nights ago, a blimp advertising this very food product..."

He held up a plastic bag of "Major Rhett's Honey-Roasted Peanuts" (taken from the impounded vendor cart).

"...was providing aerial coverage of a soccer game, for the BBC, when the whole city of London got enshrouded by a freak fog bank! By the time the fog lifted, two hours later? The blimp had disappeared...along with the clock tower of Big Ben."

"Shades of Houdini!" exclaimed the Teen Wonder.

Batman agreed, adding how "...back in the day, that would've meant the presence of Lord Marmaduke Pfogg and the Clock King. But, they've been missing/presumed dead since 1976!"

"Yes," replied the commissioner: "...after the original Batgirl and Robin thwarted their attempt to steal Thomas Jefferson' pocket watch, from the Museum of Natural History, during its nation-wide Bicentennial tour."

"Well, even if we assume they're still alive," insisted Robin: "...and serving as masterminds to younger, more able-bodied perps, what's the connection between an abducted American actor and a missing British landmark?"

"The theft of Big Ben (however it was accomplished)," mused his masked mentor: "...must have been a test run of some kind. Yet, whatever the ultimate goal might be, its completion might have proven more expensive than they originally anticipated. So, a kidnapping-for-ransom might be the quickest way for them to get the extra money required!"

"If so," declared the commissioner: "...they didn't choose their target by happenstance. Valmont Killdeer was evidently going to audition for a new play being co-produced by Floyd Webster, the composer, and T.M. Bertram, the independent film maker.

"Ah, yes," smirked Batman (looking at Robin): " 'Dynamic Duets!' A musical tribute to our illustrious predecessors."

tbc

* * * * *

The Dynamic Duo had parked the Batmobile a hundred yards south of the abandoned outdoor movie theater. The better for entering its grounds as stealthily as possible. While en route to the drive-in, however, they had discussed the unusual death threat in great detail.

"Why peanut oil?" Robin had asked: "Even by the standards of Grandpa's original Rogues' Gallery, that's weird!"

"It might be connected to the means by which Valmont Killdeer was lured to his abduction," observed Batman: "Major Rhett's Honey-Roasted Peanuts are currently the most popular snack of choice in England. With the aforementioned major serving as corporate logo."

"Sort of a hypogaean legume version of Ronald McDonald?" replied the Teen Wonder.

"Precisely! And the management of the drive-in started offering those peanuts, at the snack bar, as part of a last-ditch attempt to keep the theater open during the initial phase of the VHS boom."

Now, though, both costumed crime-fighters were silent as they approached the building in question. With the Dark Knight carrying the bearer bonds in a "Bat-ache' case" while Robin carried the Moroccan-bound stamp album.

The Dynamic Duo easily picked the padlock on the main entrance to the snack bar. Following which, they applied oil (from bat-emblazoned flasks on their utility belts) to the rusty hinges of each door, so they could open them as soundlessly as possible. Which they did!

Upon entering the snack bar, they used infra-red penlights to search the old customer-serving lane for booby traps. Not seeing any, they immediately tip-toed into the kitchen area. There, they saw tell-tale footprints in the accumulated dust on the floor.

Footprints that had obviously been made by a pair of high-heeled boots.

"That's far enough, Caped Crusaders!" an unmistakably female voice suddenly called out.

From out of the shadows stepped a beautiful blue-eyed blonde. The same one who had abducted Valmont Killdeer, in fact. Only now, she was wearing an orange uniform jacket, with white trim; white hot pants with matching go-go boots; and a white shako with orange plume!

"Who are you?" demanded Batman: "And, what've you done with Mr. Killdeer?"

She answered the second question, first.

"He's right in here," she said, taking off her shako and pointing its opening at a closed-circuit TV camera to her left. She then used her chin to indicate a TV monitor on the ceiling to her right. The Dynamic Duo looked in that direction...and gasped.

For Valmont Killdeer was within the helmet! Bound-and-gagged to the underside of its top by a single piece of tan masking tape!! Unfortunately, they were so stunned by this sight (as anticipated) that they were completely caught off-guard by what happened next.

Their backs were turned toward the old French-frying machine. Only, what now occupied its old oil vats were not wire-mesh baskets. But, rather, compressed air pistols loaded with tranquilizer darts. And, the darts had armor-piercing tips! Consequently, the Dynamic Duo had no idea the trap against them had been sprung until...

...they instinctively jumped at the momentary pin pricks of pain in their Kevlar-coated posteriors.

"H-How---?" Batman stammered as he and Robin slumped to the floor.

"How did I shrink him?" the blonde finished the question, a triumphant smile on her face: "You'll soon find out for yourselves."

tbc

When the Dynamic Duo woke up, an indeterminate amount of time later, the first thing they noticed is that each of them were in separate-but-neighboring cells. The next thing that they noticed is that they were missing their gauntlets, boots, utility belts,...

...and masks.

"Holy Indecent Exposure!" Dick Grayson muttered, instinctively falling back into his boyhood tendencies.

His training quickly reasserted itself, however, when he called out to his son (the present-day Robin), asking if the latter was otherwise unharmed.

"Roger that," replied the Teen Wonder: "There's something weird about my cell, though. It has a big Ferris wheel in it! How about yours?"

"Yes, mine does, too. And, if I didn't know any better, I'd swear..."

There was a brief-but-awkward pause.

"Batman?" inquired Robin, with mounting alarm.

"I'm here, Robin. But, tell me something. Is there a giant bottle of water, made of Plexiglas, hanging upside-down from the ceiling of your cell?"

"As a matter of fact, yeah. Which, along with the Ferris wheel, might almost make me think..."

"...that we're each in a giant hamster cage?" the Dark Knight finished for him.

"Exactly!"

Then, realization suddenly hit the Teen Wonder.

"Oh, no! You don't mean...?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I initially thought I'd been dreaming what had happened to Valmont Killdeer!"

"Yet, now, you know better," added a third (thunderously feminine) voice: "Don't you, my pets?"

The Diminished Duo looked behind them and upward...and gasped in astonishment.

It was the lovely blonde drum majorette from the drive-in!

"Sorry for not being here when you first woke up," she continued (in a lovely British accent): "But, I was busy freeing the now re-enlarged Mr. Killdeer, as he had served his purpose. Which was to lure you two into my clutches!"

"Why?" demanded Batman: "We've never laid eyes on you before."

"Oh, come now, my fab little pet. Surely, the infirmities of middle age haven't hit you _that_ badly! It's me. Pru!"

She had had him when she uttered the word, "fab."

"Prudence Pffog?!"

"TA-DAAAAAAAAAAA!" she sang out, making a V-shape with her upraised arms.

"That's impossible," Batman continued: "You look the same as you did back in the Sixties. No more than twenty-two, at most!"

"My stepmother deserves the credit, for that one."

"Your stepmother?!"

Pru revealed that, after getting out of prison, her father had decided to go straight, for the benefit of his only child. But, Marsha (Queen of Diamonds) had turned out to have different plans. More specifically; the theft of the Star of Franistan! The largest diamond ever excavated in the state of Arkansas, it had subsequently been bought by Stanley Livingstone (American ambassador to the Court of St. James) as an anniversary present for his wife, Frances.

"Of course," Pru continued: "Stealing something that well-guarded would require quite a lot of planning. So, the first step entailed Marsha becoming my stepmum! That way, she could use her narco-hypnotic wiles to make Daddy revert to his old self. Which was alright by me, let me tell you! Then, came Step Two."

Lord Pffog decided that the only way to make off with the Star of Franistan, without being hounded all over the British Isles as a result, would be to create a major diversion. Then, he remembered something he had heard rumors of, in prison. A rumor involving the original Batman...and some of the Mad Hatter's shrinking solution.*

"He asked Stepmum's Aunt Hilda if she could alchemically alter some of that shrinking solution. So that it could shrink people and buildings, rather than hats. And, she did! So, then, came Step Three."

"The mysterious fog that led to the disappearance of Big Ben," deduced Batman.

"Yes!" Pru exclaimed with a grin: "Very good, Compact Crusader."

Batman glared at her as she chortled before resuming.

"Next to that, breaking into the American embassy and stealing the Star of Franistan--while leaving an alchemically synthesized copy in its place--was a piece of shepherd's pie. Afterwards, Daddy and Stepmum went off to Brazil, for a long-overdue honeymoon, while I finished my home schooling in alchemy with Great-aunt Hilda. She taught me all kinds of fab stuff over the last forty years...like age-retardation elixirs!"

"Then, came Step Four."

The LONDON TIMES had carried a front page story about the planned musical tribute to the modern-day Dynamic Duo. Which, in turn, had given Pru an idea for her own version of the "perfect crime."

"Of course, it had to be an irresistible mystery. And what could be more irresistible to you two than the possible return of the dreaded...United Underworld?"

"Logical," replied Batman: "Flawlessly logical."

Pru bowed in half-serious acknowledgement.

"So what are you going to do with us now that you have us" Robin demanded: "Hold us for ransom?"

"Of course not!" exclaimed Pru: "I thought I had already made that clear to you. You two are going to be my pets for the rest of your life!! And, isn't it just a fab bonus that Little Batman turns out to be my first love. The original Robin!"

tbc

The Diminutive Duo was naturally aghast at hearing this pronouncement. For the first two or three seconds, anyway. Then, to his credit, Batman found his voice, again.

"Surely, you can't be serious. That's kidnapping! You'll go back to prison for the rest of your life!!"

The larcenous young blonde woman just grinned all the more.

"Point One: my name's Pru. Not Shirley. I really must have Great-aunt Hildy give you a physical, once we're in England. To see if your shrinkage might've affected your neurochemistry! Point Two: That'll happen only if I'm caught in the act, tried, and convicted. And, that's not going to be the case. Here's why."

Whereupon, she began to wrap Robin's hamster cage in blue cellphane! This subsequently muffled the Teen Wonder's instinctive protests. Pru then attached one end of a pair of handcuffs around and through the handle on top of the cage. Following which, she sprinkled a test tube full of some fluorescent green liquid over every inch of the handcuffs and the cage. Ten seconds later, the entire assemblage was no bigger than a pea. Whereupon, Pru...

...attached the other end of the shrunken handcuffs to her right earlobe!

"See that, my pet?" Pru exalted: "As far as any customs authorities will be concerned, I'm just a spokesmodel, for Major Rhett's Honey-Roasted Peanuts, returning to London from a photo-shoot in Gotham City. With a pair of lovely blue cubic zirconia earrings as souvenirs!"

"You won't get away with it," the Compact Crusader insisted: "There are a lot more superheroes these days than when I was the original Robin. One of them..."

His protests were drowned out, however, by the creaky sounds of blue cellophane being wrapped around his own hamster cage. A minute later, he heard a metallic click, followed by a massive splashing sound. After that, his ears momentarily stuffed up, just as they used to do, when he was first taught how to fly the original Batcopter. In other words?

Pru had now picked _him_ up and made him her left earring.

* * * * *

EPILOGUE

A GCPD patrol car found the abandoned Batmobile twelve hours later. Crime scene investigators poured over it and the nearby drive-in theater looking for clues as to what could have happened to the Caped Crusaders. But, while they did find tire tracks from a Volkswagen mini-bus, that lead dead-ended at a motel parking lot near the airport. As running the license plate number revealed the VW was owned by the son of a Chinatown restaurateur who made home deliveries for his father.

And, both vehicle and owner had failed to return by closing time.

The authorities would never realize it, of course. But, the young Chinese-American man had replaced Valmont Killdeer as the prisoner masking taped to the underside of the top of Pru's shako!

"Don't worry, little one!" she had told him, after seeing the look of fear in his shrunken eyes: "I'm not gonna harm you, any. Because, I know a dancing school whose headmistress would just _love_ to show you off to her student body. Ever heard of Miss Battaglia's Dance Academy?"

"Mmmf-mmmf!" replied her prisoner, shaking his head as best he could behind the piece of tape.

"Well, consider this the luckiest day of your life, then" she continued (with a sinister grin): "Because, you'll be the only lad on the premises, Mr..."

Here, she looked at the driver's license in the wallet she would soon shrink and flush down the toilet.

"...Raymond Choi."


Needless to say, neither he nor the Dynamic Duo were ever seen again.

THE END