Date: September 15 2018 5:33 PM Title: Chapter 1
Your writing is too detailed. You should put detail into the action and be terse with non-essentials.
No one comes here to read the background unless its very engaging and adds context to the erotic part. Having an extended intro that serves no purpose other than a massive pile of pointless non-sentences isnt great when writing a story.
Your melodramatic writing lacks a distinct voice. Truthfully nothing actually good stands out, only bad things do. I strongly recommend you focus on not mincing words. Put detail where it belongs.
Your grasp on grammar and what-have-you is fine so its just a matter of experience. Youll slowly learn what truly demands your time and get better.
Date: September 14 2018 5:30 AM Title: Chapter 1
Sorry chainorchid. I tried to respond to your review and accidently deleted it in the process. Thank you for complementing my imagery since I pushed that hardest. Thank you also for your thoughtful critiques on the confusion of my story. Editing got lost in the excitement of making my first post and has led to a sloppy one at that. I truly got something to reflect on out of your review and deeply appreciate what you wrote.