Date: August 05 2018 2:19 PM Title: Happy Birthday
This would benefit immensely from having proper paragraphs, so that it can be read smoothly. Just start a new paragraph whenever the speaker changes, and you'd make this way better.
Thanks so much for the feedback! The first chapter has undergone a total rewrite, and the entire story has been given a massive re-edit. I hope that helps with making if much easier to follow, and fluid to read! I also properly fleshed out the backstory and important details in the CH.1 remaster. So, it's definitely worth checking out the new version!