Reviews For Caretaker
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Reviewer: prophetofgreed Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: February 02 2018 1:16 AM Title: Chapter 4: The Ones Above us All

Hey, more of a lurker on the site. Usually never log on but want to share my thoughts. 

I really liked the other story you've recently posted with MAJOR/minor, especially with its abstract concepts with 'bonding'. Very creative story device. 

At the beginning of this story I wasn't sure where this would be going with the opening and then the 'wake up in a fantasy world' element that is highly popular in anime. But I trusted it would be going somewhere, especially when there was clearly a lot of creativity in the story. I trusted that it would need more exposition and character work. 

This last chapter really brings it altogether, in fact, it being so long really ties it together. The characters start to bond and get more level with each other after encountering beings clearly above them in power. Mortals in the presence of gods that could kill them without a second thought. 

With Vivian acting so high and mighty in the beginning towards Thomas in the beginning to then have a higher being do the same is a good way to have her maybe reflect, whether she admits it or not. You also have Thomas the clear moral and empathetic character who helps the person who abused him physically and emotional before in front of a god. Shows what type of character he has. 

I do like you make Thomas' kindness a weakness instead of just a positive for him and maybe Vivian's abrasiveness could make him a stronger willed character that could worry a bit about his well being. While Thomas could get Vivian to be more empathetic. 

Curious about who or where Luna is (like how she planned to have Thomas sent to this reality at his death) but I'm sure the adventure will be cool and creative like your past work. I eagerly await for more from this story, because the set up right now has a ton of fun potential, especially with no villain introduced yet (Rayna I think is a red herring and could easily have someone else introduced)



Author's Response:

Sorry I didn't get to this. 

Thank you for the kind words on MAJOR/minor! You'll be happy to know I'll be switching back to finish it! I recently found inspiration for the ending. Thank you Caretaker! It was your job to help clear my head for that to happen!...anyway.

I think people are really resonating with the relationship of Thomas and Vivian. It's the back bone of the story so far and I hope to convey the slow shift and development. Vivian's still a venomous amoral monster who hates humans, but...maybe she hates Thomas a little less. Maybe Thomas is learning a bif of confidence from her to. He did talk to two goddesses without pissing himself. We'll see. 

I'm eager to find out more about Luna too! Let's hope the build up is worth it!

 

Reviewer: pixl8ed Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: February 01 2018 6:06 AM Title: Chapter 4: The Ones Above us All

This story is a great example of how you can like a story and not like most of the characters.

There is some awesome world building going on here.  Though, that might not be the right word, it seems more like you are telling us that this reality is changeable and uncertain.  There is a new, mini reality around every corner.

I’m always gonna side with the tinies,  though I have to say I like how complex things are.  The crab being a perfect example.  The coverage of it as “girl finds pet” instead of “terror and death in the marketplace” make me want to paraphrase the Joker...this reality needs an enema.  But Vivian has a point, they chose to set up under a giant crab.  Still, people build on a fault line in California and we don’t write them off when disaster strikes.  And even our morally bankrupt press doesn’t cover such horrors as “a new way for movie stars to make milkshakes.”

So, even though he has zero competition for the title, Thomas is the most moral person there.  Way more ethical and empathic than any of these so called superior beings.

So far they are all worthless.  Mere power is does not make someone superior.  How they use it and the decisions they make is what makes them worthwhile.  These filthy, disgusting things are worshiped because they’re powerful.  That make being deified, at best, the cosmic equivalent of the cult of celebrity.  Like those people who have a reality show and you can’t figure out why. They’re famous because they’re on TV and they’re on TV because they’re famous?  Thomas is from California, he of all people should be able to see this.  He should be able to say “Hey morons, you’re worshiping the Kardasians!”

At worst, this whole deity thing is the ultimate protection racket.  “Give me your worship because other forces and entities are worse.” 

Luna picked Thomas for this stupid task, knowing it would cost him his life.  Putting her needs above his in an act of superior selfishness.  That alone makes her not worth the trip.  We humans cut each other off in traffic and take the last coupon at the potato chip display, but we don’t want anyone to die for our convenience.  Why on earth (ironic phrasing right there) would Thomas want anything to do with someone who keeps sapients as pets?  Someone who would see him murdered to spare herself?  And by the way... if you are eclipsing people... it means you’re not letting them shine. 

And HA!  I knew Vivian was a liar.  Spiders are icky. And yes it was a lie...she said “I’ll get you back to Earth.”  Not “I’m counting on Luna’s mom to get you back to Earth.”

Winrey said payment, when she referred to returning him to earth.  Scum.  The best term would be re-payment.  As in returning what was his.  As in the life she stole from him.  Stupid, selfish thing thinks she owns the universe.  She can choke on her cinnabons.  And “belongs by her daughter’s side?”  Great, he can join Vivian in pet...ness?  Pet-ness...that’s a word?  Right?
I really enjoyed how he refused Winrey’s offer to “improve” him.  Remember, he’s just been humiliated by his girlfriend and her lover and yet he chooses not to focus on the superficial but instead believes that it’s his character that matters.  That is really an awesome moment.  (I hope it means he will have the strength and character to refuse the temptation to join these over glorified monsters.)

That leaves Thomas being the most moral and ethical creature on this plane of existence.  Go ahead and judge Vivian Thomas...judge them all...please.  

Thomas is such a good person.  His girlfriend cheats on him and he want’s to go back so she doesn’t feel bad about him dying?  Vivian drags him around on her webs and generally treats him like refuse and he bargains for her well being.  Winrey murders him and threatens him...and he hugs her.  Luna set him up for all this, basically arraigning his murder, and he still agrees to help her.  He has no need to go on a Goddess quest.  He’s already a saint. Theses strutting monstrosities don’t deserve to shine his shoes.  Their superioritiness (???) falls apart when contrasted with his simple kindness.

The amazing thing is how well you’ve realized him.  I can see him doing all these things.  I really hate it when our protagonist just lets a bunch of evil trash get away with bs like this, but Thomas really is that person who is guided by a loving heart.  So, inspite of my desire to see him call them on their authoritarian crap, I can forgive Thomas for being forgiving.

Though, I will warn you, super kindness has lead to some engaging protagonists just treading water as far as storytelling goes. He needs to be judgmental if he’s going to identify suspects and solve the mystery.

He’s kind of at a tipping point as far as being protagonist that moves the story forward.  He’s only starting to take actual, positive action to fulfill his quest and he’s missing opportunities to actually ask important questions.  Vivian has demonstrated she’s no help at all, so he really needs to step up and ask some probing questions.  He should have asked Luna’s mom and sister if she had any enemies, I know it was the first time he’d heard that she might have been murdered (nice guiding Vivian) but now he can’t ask.  If a bunch of flashy costumes and vulgar displays (which is all these creatures are about) is going to derail his mystery solving abilities, this is going to be a long quest with a lot of doubling back.  I appreciate that it was his heart that made him focus on Vivian’s well being and not his quest to escape these weirdos, but he really has to find some way to push himself to be a better seeker.  Maybe he should start by asking about the phone call.

Though she’s super unworthy, I enjoyed the scene where Thomas helped Vivian with her arm.  And I will even admit that there is a hint that they might have some chemistry...some.  But she’s not being a good co-questor (I know that’s a word) because she’s so tight lipped...er...mandibled? (Darn, right after I had one.)  So she has a long way to go to really earn my investment in her.  But Thomas starting to win her over is a good beginning.

I am really with Thomas on his journey.  Though I see the place he’s in as somewhere to escape, I’m still enjoying his perspective.  If he stays out of the selflessness that seems to be the cornerstone of his character, I would see it as a tragedy.  He deserves to see himself as worthy of kindness and consideration, not just someone who gives and gives, though that is his beautiful nature. 

A bit of technical advice, sometimes being so focused on Thomas’ POV makes things a bit confusing.  I have found some of the action beats to be a little hard to follow.  The scene where he falls and Vivian webs him is an example.  The usual method of description might serve you better, describe Thomas’ reaction to a flurry of action, then take a broader POV as he realizes where he is and what happened.  Though, I was able to figure it our, the fact that Vivian had leapt after him got a little lost.  But that’s just me maybe.

Your imagination and your description of the scenes and characters are really shining in this story.  I would read it just for those.  There is a lot of potential for conflict and drama in the world you’ve created.  Overall the story has a sort of buddy film vibe that I am enjoying.  And maybe Vivian might turn out to be a good “Riggs.”  So keep the faith.  What you are creating is worth your time and has my interest.  I want to see Thomas try.  I want to see Vivian develop.   And I know I’ve thrown down a bit of gauntlet, but I even want to see this Luna who everyone is making such a fuss about.  If she’s worthy or unworthy, there’s a story there that I really want to see play out.



Author's Response:

This comment is intimidating...........I'll try to be brief because I'm starting to feel that I talk too much.

I will take your advice on storytelling. I'm still very much considering if this chapter's too long and needs to be split up. If I do I'll probably end up re-writing that scene. 

I'll be explaining the more philosphical perspective of the citizens of Outworld eventually, but it is rather unique and a little warped. They actually live with their gods and can see they exist. I imagine that changes how they view the world and even the concept of life and death. 

You commented on Thomas' morality and for the lack of a better term niceness. It's interesting because while I do see those a good qualities I also feel their probably his greatest weakness. He's still thinking of Jenna even though he's dead and she cheated on him the day he died. DWEEB! Maybe even a little unhealthy. I even think it might get him into trouble if it hasn't already. If Vivian had evicerated that kobaln or whatever she was planning the market district might not be flooded right now....but you can't really think of things like that and apply blame in hindsight. 

Anyhoo. Yeah Thomas needs to be more proactive and he will be slowly transitioning into that role. He's still new and Vivian kind of outranks him just based on experience, but their relationship is  slowly shifting to more of a partnership and with that his role in it. 

Thanks for the comment.........Oh! And your comment on eclipsing people maybe being a bad thing? I like that. When I thought of it, it was just an easy thing to say in reference to the moon and it made a cute curse. Now I'm thinking Luna may have a darker side not yet alluded to......Not that it means anything, just a wayward thought. Although? You did make a point with Thomas dying just to look for her.....was that Luna's idea or her mom's? Hrmmmmm.....? 

Reviewer: MadHatter Signed [Report This]
Date: January 31 2018 8:43 PM Title: Chapter 4: The Ones Above us All

You really do have a way with story telling man. Regardless of my feeling on the ending of Small, Your stories really HOOK me with the character diversity and settings really. So far I just wanna keep reading to see what happens next right now. It's like I said before long ago on another review on another story... Fetish material isn't always necessary for a REALLY GOOD story. Right now I just wanna know what is gonna happen next!



Author's Response:

Thank you for the kind words. It makes me happy to know my story is interesting even without more explicit material at the forefront. Honestly if it weren't for Vivian's proclivity for swearing this would probably be rated PG-13.  I do wonder how I'd do at a story with more prominent fetish material though? I might tackle that if I ever finish that "Brotherly Love" Fanfic, but that's for another time. I hope you continue to enjoy the story. 

Reviewer: Kurogane335 Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: January 30 2018 10:10 PM Title: Chapter 4: The Ones Above us All

Excellent chapter ! I like the characterisation of the Goddess so far, I find it really fitting for immortal and extremely powerful creatures. I'll leave a better review after I'll have deal with my insomnia, but overall, keep the great works !

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