Reviewer: pixl8ed Signed [Report This]
Date: January 27 2018 11:11 AM Title: Chapter 3: Remnant

I was prepared to let this one slide by.  I read the first chapter and thought, “lovable loser who conveniently has a tough life gets taken by biggies for whatever...blah blah blah.  Read it all before...”  Well written, but uninspiring.

But, it’s Izzy’s creator, so I figured I’d give chapter 2 a read.  I got that far in Small before giving up, so I can at least read that much.  And I was pretty sure I was right the first time.  Everyone’s a big jerk and...yeah...yeah...not much here for me to invest in. 
And then I read the last scene.  Thomas turns it around.  There is suddenly an interesting character dynamic going on here.  Unlike so many characters I’ve had to endure before, Thomas has agency in his story.  Suddenly there’s a tale to be told.

I gave everything a reread and with my interest renewed.

I found I liked Thomas a lot.  He has a good heart though he lacks a philosophy.  He can tell it’s bad have some stupid spider drag you around and talk at you like you’re the scum of the universe, but he cannot articulate why.  So in a way, from a literary stand point he’s the perfect character to go on a goddess quest.
Someone usually goes in search of a diety for either direction or definition.  For instructions or meaning.  For purpose or enlightenment. 
This seems different.  Just as he’s about to take his first steps to fix his own life he gets snatched out of his existence.  It seems this Luna needs him.  Right now, based on the world we’ve seen she seems to stand for “I’m big and powerful, so worship me.”  Thomas didn’t really hook with Catholicism, so he doesn’t need more of that.  Perhaps it is simply his protective nature that will motivate him to help her.  Or maybe he’s simply being logical and using this opportunity to get home.  That’s not selfish, that’s rational.  These creatures are filth and he should get away from them as soon as possible.  And he’s an interesting enough character that I want to see him try.

Except for the amnesia or whatever.  I hope he’s not going to spend the rest of the story trying to remember chapter 1.

But I have to ask if this goddess is worth the trouble?  Luna is a two faced thing who will take someone’s last dollar.  Tell you the worst day in your life is not so bad, even though she’s had similar experiences, take advantage of your kind heart and protective nature to kill you and step on your neck, laughing as you lay dying. (Or her agent will.)  Also, she's friends with a scummy spider woman who will poison you, and tie a freaking leash around your neck because she’s so full of contempt for all humanity (even though she likes our cartoons, it seems) that she’s a big bucket of loathsome.

Thomas reciting that whole "eclipse us all" thing is something he should expect her to earn.  That would be a great way for him to assert himself.

Also, it’s pretty clear that Thomas should be asking for proof that he can get home.  After all, she did say he could never get home again.  Now she’s offering him a way home.  The only thing she’s proven so far is that she is completely lacking grace and she is a liar.

Too often in these stories, nice winds up meaning stupid.  Or it means, betray me, lie to me, walk all over me and I’ll forgive and/or act as though nothing is wrong.  In other words, kindness equals victimhood.  That’s becoming one of the most obnoxious plot devices in this genre and I really wouldn’t miss it.

I found chapter 3 to be rather disappointing.  Not in terms of world building, you,ve created a vivid and interesting world filled with exotic tones,  though it’s a little annoying that all these so called “superior beings” don’t have the brains to articulate their world in terms an ordinary person can understand.  Carl Sagan could explain black holes to high school kids, someone whose besties with a goddess, and had a career introducing humans to the afterlife ... well, it makes me wonder how she got promoted. 

Really, though, chapter 3 let me down in terms of character conflict.  This promise of a return to life has become Thomas’ new leash.  Nice as gullible is also a trope which bugs me.  He really shouldn’t be trusting Vivian so easily.  She’ll let a giant crab thing go nuts “in her own backyard” and just shrug it off.  That shows a huge lack of loyalty and character.  Again, since her promise to return him to life directly contradicts her previous statement,

“I guess.” Vivian stated. “More like you’re not on Earth and won’t ever be able to go back, but dying is just terminology for your benefit..”

Thomas every reason to mistrust her and she’s giving him more reasons every time she opens her maw.

If I were to offer any positive advice.  Thomas needs a sense of humor.  He’s passive, reactive and ignorant. He needs something to hook us other than variations on “what is it, Doctor?”

Though, I gotta say, the little quotes at the beginning of the chapter are hinting that I really have a reason to stop reading right now.  The quotes that introduce chapter 2 seem to be implying that Thomas becomes one of these obnoxious, arrogant scummies.  Not looking forward to that.

Best of luck with your story.

Peace

pix

Author's Response:

Woah!.....Okay..jeez where do I even?.....

Okay look. I can't respond to this, Pix. Not because I hate the comment, your comments are some of the best I've ever read and actually make ME the author, think about my own writing, but if I respond to THIS. I'll just end up posting the entire story outline! Can't do that! That would be a problem!

I will say some things and know I've probably re-written this three times. 

First. Thomas doesn't have anmesia. That's easy to answer. He knows what his life was and what happened to him. He was just confused at first. I imagine that happens when you get hit by a bus and some wierd homeless lady finishes you off by choking you to death with her dirty boot. I guarantee there was dog shit on that boot by the way! But he knows. I thought I wrote enough to make that clear but I'll look and edit or add more in further chapters if it's not. Easy question! 

Also I gotta make another comment on these "Small" burns! Didn't get past chapter 2 huh? Well y'know what? Small doesn't need you Pix! It's doing fine on it's own. *cries*....it's doing fine on it's own. This is just a joke by the way. Sarcasm doesn't transfer well into text! In fact just assume everything I write in these responses to anyone is bad sarcasm. that will protect me in the future (I hope). 

Everything else I can't answer, but I'm glad you're asking question. More questions than Thomas apparently am I right?...Hehe. There's is a mystery and Thomas should be suspicious about some things, but I don't thinik it's all malevolent in nature. Some, but not all. Uhhh. Yeah that's all I'll say on that. 

And I'm kind of happy you hate Vivian. She's probably the worst character I've ever created. From a moral standpoint anyway. Her as a charater I love, but she's hard to write because I keep wondering if her general lack of morals and complete contempt is too much. My justification is that she's a spider and spider's are predators and don't adhere to the same morals as we do. She literally eats people. She was going to eat that woman! She even said it! She'll probably try to eat Thomas if he sasses her too much. That being said she has her own character arc stuff to go through. I don't know how well it will come off in the end, but both Thomas and Viv have a long way to go. I hope they find Luna. I hope Luna's someone worth finding. 

As always I just appreciate that you chose to read. If this story ends up not being for you fair enough. Thanks for another great and thought provoking comment. See ya next chapter...maybe. I actually have no idea if anyone likes this story! All words are lies!

Reviewer: asapshvn Signed [Report This]
Date: January 26 2018 5:43 PM Title: Chapter 3: Remnant

Damn. This is really good. You've got some real talent bud. Interested to see where you take this next!

And the line about the Switch had me cracking up!

Author's Response:

Thanks for the high praise. I appreciate it. You wanna see what happens next! That's a lot of pressure on me!