[Report This]Date: December 09 2017 8:42 AM Title: The titan and the flea
I'll have to agree and disagree on Pix's perspective on Alejandro. His attraction to Shannon does feel jarring considering his past trauma with MAJORS but I viewed it as all introspection which justifies it more for me. He's only thinking these things and not acting on them. Frankly Alejandro comes off as kind of rude to Shannon. I don't blame him considering she groped him as soon as she saw him, but specifically informing Shannon he never once thought of reading up on her or not being in her business' "target demographic" comes off as a huge burn! How did he get away with that?!
I do find it odd he's never once seen a minor before. I know Old Creek is small time compared to the fictitious Winton Heights: A well off suburb in the outskirts of Golden Coast an equally fictitious region of California! (If people didn't know that because I rarely explain locations now you do!) but I figured with his family's amount of wealth they might've tried something? But then again considering the Mac Ferlan incident happened when he was eight I can understand why maybe he hasn't met at least one other minor. Izzy might have it better than I thought. It seems like he's the only minor in Old Creek and that's kind of sad.
Author's Response:
Well, Alejandro can be kind of insensitive at times, but most MAJORS will let it slide because of his past. I mean, does anyone would want to be called a Mac Ferlan or something by the little guy ? I don't think so. Plus, 'Rando is really conscious that in his world he has to do ten times more than the MAJORS around him to get even a modicum of respect. Therefore, he really doesn't hesitate to punch where it hurts. In his eyes, if the MAJOR can't get his or her ego bruised, he/she has no business bothering him.
Truthfully, I find it really hard to both depict Alejandro's physical interest in Shannon and her mental repulsion because of her behaviour. I'll try to improve on it, both in future cases, but also by showing where he comes from (next chapter is basically about why he had forgotten Shannon and so many other things. The next one will be about... oh, well, you'll see, I don't want to spoil the fun ^^).
Concerning Old Creek, yeah, Alejandro's situation is sad. It's a small town, and that's actually why his parents met and fell in love together. plus, their job is here, and they loved it too much to move at first. And after the Incident, they were afraid that their eldest boy wouldn't be able to endure the changes without going crazy. So they stayed.
[Report This]Date: December 09 2017 1:47 AM Title: The titan and the flea
Yeah, Shannon wants Alejandro because she thinks she deserves him. Not because she respects him. She just wants. Everything she does is intentionally manipulative. Another typical, selfish biggie. Not impressed.
Now, I think Alejandro’s attraction to her comes off as way too strong. Like he has instantly fetishized her. It lacks subtlety and, well, takes a lot of the suspense out of the relationship. His emotions so overwhelming his will and his intellect also seems to undermine the character you seemed to be painting in the initial parts of his story. As a reader is seems inconsistent. You are portraying him too much like the wild, unbridled biggies and not like the controlled, thoughtful tiny I though I was going to be reading about.
I can understand him being shocked that his old friend has blossomed into this...this...amazon, but all he seems to be seeing is the thing before him and not even trying to find his old friend in there. It makes him seem shallow, like he has lost his poetry.
That issue expressed, I am still pulled in by this story. I still want to see what happens. I still want see Alejandro in his struggle for dignity, maybe even for a bit of respect.
The families interacting is a really a cool aspect of the story. Like you have added a chorus to your drama. But still there is a prevailing natural quality to scenes.
Your work is compelling and enjoyable and I can’t wait to read more. But you are producing with such speed, one can hardly call it waiting. Great stuff.
Peace
pix
Author's Response:
Truth been told... the last chapter had Alejandro even more lost in her the first draft. But I didn't like it, he was becoming far too passive, before trying an heel face turn that felt too forced, even for me. I also didn't manage to depict well the fact that it's his first time ever interacting with MAJORS who aren't his family or professional nurses or surgeons. He's totally lost here, even if he tried to remain above the waterline.Alejandro doesn't really know where he is right now, because Shannon is this huge success story he could get if only he gave up on who he is. But he doesn't want that. He's just escaped Mac Ferlan's clutches, but he's still struggling with major trauma (it will be developed later on) and has to find his proper balance. he's interested in Shannon, but not at the cost of himself. Also, if you want to know why he doesn't see his childhood friend in Shannon... well next cgapter will be on it, quite deeply hopefully.
Basically, he had accepted long ago that he'll end with a MAJOR, since he never encountered a minor IRL, and, well, Shannon is overwhelming, physically. She is totally vain, right now, but she'll change. She's already beginning. Notice how it only dawned on her now that minors can't eat as much as MAJORS ? It's not innocent. Obviously, she knew that, but never made the effort to understand it. She's realizing that minors actually have to make choices that MAJORS never even have to consider. It'll come into play in a chapter I can't wait to write but is still somehow rather distant. So far, she is this asshole who thinks she is the greatest thing she could offer to anyone, mainly because how quick her success was and how strong it still goes.