Date: December 05 2017 12:06 PM Title: Chapter 3 : The aftermath
Oh! His name was Joseph! Well I feel silly. I'm bad with common names. Not that he's a person worth remembering.
Overall a very touching and detailed perspective on the dangers a minor can face. It would be rare for it to go that badly but yeah it's not all fun and games. I liked all the subtle nods to minor culture. Being slightly chunky little piggies for MAJORS to cuddle, some MAJORS seeing them as glorified pets, not being able to read and write (although that's been slowly changing. Alejandro is a prime example) Just good stuff. Alejandro is a layered character I just want to know more about! How does he handle different situations? How is he around MAJORS now? What would he do at a school like Winton where he'd be around them all the time? So many questions!
I laughed when Izzy was featured in a news article but honestly that is something Winton would brag about to encourage new minors. Good detail there. Also love the website.
I truly hope any fan of MAJOR/minor (Which is like ten people, sorry) read this gem. And yeah. I think Alejandro might have a cameo if I can figure out a believable reason for him to be at Winton.
Haha, thanks a lot ! Well, touching on Alejandro's behaviour toward MAJORS... I see him as being a sort of Inverse-Rebecca. He's quite like Izzy in that he is extremely proud of his abilities and autonomy, and wants to be respected as an equal, but life as taught him to not be blunt with this idea. Power moves have to be made by minor, but not like those Cretinosaurus Rex the MAJORS sometimes do. For Alejandro, a power-move would be to use is very nature as a minor to get out of a bad situation, by playing on the widely shared "cute factor" that all minors have when it comes to MAJORS, with the added bonus of him being that poor little kitten with three legs still trying to advance and who's so cute and all that.
In a sense, I see Izzy as the autunomous, obllivious and frank minor. Alejandro would be the autnomous, cynical and frank minor. If he doesn't like a MAJOR, he'll say it to it. And then he'll had a punch in the guts : "You're offended, you big oaf ? What are you gonna do, eh ? Crush my arm ?", that kid of jab, where Izzy will insult and berate them more bluntly.
Just like Izzy, he's in a difficult place. He knows that if he want to have a lover, or found a family, he will end with a MAJOR, that's almost a given, minor are too few. But he doesn't trust them, they have to actually earn it and it's a case by case basis. So, he's attracted by MAJOR women physically, but those he has the hots for are often the one who see the minors are inherently incapable of being much more than a glorified pet. But he's quite sttuborn. If a girl wants to bond with him, she should better be ready to accept him as he is, because he sure as Hell won't change who he is to please a MAJOR... or anyone.
Anyway, thanks for the reviews !
Date: December 05 2017 11:42 AM Title: Chapter 3 : The aftermath
What a rewarding finish. I got kinda choked up reading the last part. The idea of minors tracking each other’s accomplishments, drawing courage from them and building their own character, using each other as inspiration is so natural. It is a sentiment that is beautiful and true.
I really enjoyed Alejandro’s character arc. Telling his story out of sequence really brought the moments into sharp focus. The technique sort of reminds me of the film Dunkirk, where the story is edited so that all the various strands of point of view come together at the end. Very nice and sophisticated.
I was moved by the doctor’s reaction. It was a strong scene but still carried levels of meaning and implication. Very good, deep story telling.
I still think that characters like his parents were neglected, but I think you are trying to illustrate how distant Alejandro is from them as opposed to Alaric. Using the nickname Al for one of them was a little confusing as both of them could be an Al, I would say it would be better to go with something like Andy and Rick, just so there’s less guessing. Though, yes, within the family, there would be no need as everyone would understand who was who.
Alejandro emerges as a strong but believable character. He is self aware and thoughtful. He is a tiny tower of virtue and I can see how he would demand you bring him to life. Which you have done beautifully.
Your story was truly wonderful and inspiring. I hope you keep writing and sharing. And don’t feel bad if you don’t get enough reviews (which can feel awful, I know) stories marked M/m tend to get neglected. I hope you will take a que from Alejandro and find the motivation and inspiration within yourself and keep creating and sharing. Great work.
Wow, thanks for the praise ! I'm not sure I deserve it but I'm glad. Honestly, I haven thought out this story, I wrote as I felt it needed to be told, so if I used some complicated technique, it was because I was too oblivious to even notice that, haha !
Yeah, Jules and Ofelia were really relegated to the background, but I felt it was Alejandro's story, so it was okay for me. perhaps one day I'll write something from their point of view, but I'm not sure. So far, I don't think that Alejandro's need to be more explored. Perhaps some day, but right now, he's rather content to be where he is. So far, I've a huge personal project of mine (writing a second manuscrit in the hope of being published) which is rather time-consuming, especially since I can only work on it after my job and sometimes inspiration eludes me. So, I can tell you : do not hold your breath for more of Alejandro, it won't be soon if it comes ^^ !
And, really, thanks again for the reviews !
Date: December 05 2017 6:36 AM Title: Chapter 2 : The Incident
Didn't Notsirk create an inspiring world?
Okay, I love the symbolism of the phantom itch, how it ties to his fears and memories. Literally an itch you can’t scratch. Very powerful.
The language of the piece is very subtle yet powerful. Wonderfully written, very smart and artful.
I realize you are not writing in your native language, but in chapter one you used terms that suggested Alaric was alive and in chapter two you describe him as being beaten to death. So I have to ask. is he alive?
The best advice I could give you is to use dialogue more. I realize Alejandro is isolated, but it limits our perception of the world and costs your your story tension to rely so much on his internal narrative. It will bring the family around him to life if we get to hear them speak in their own words. We can understand better how they relate to each other if we get to see them interacting.
Your story is dark and even haunting. I applaud you for taking the time and effort to share your tale with us. In Alejandro you have a character that immediately has our sympathies.
I do find myself wondering how all those majors who thought that Mac Ferlan would and should have Alejandro reacted to him after. A dialogue scene that showed how they had “consigned him to his fate” would have been a useful device to contrast how they reacted afterwards. Look up writing advice on “show don’t tell” type of writing and you’ll see what I’m talking about.
That said, your use of the English is beautiful, bordering on poetic. You should be so proud of your work here, it really makes you feel for your protagonist. Keep at it, your muse is clearly with you.
Thanks for the great review ! I can assure you, Alaric is alive and well, and he'll appear in the final chapter. As for Alejandro... He'll talk a lot more, but I wished that his dialogue had some serious impact, that's why he hasn't talked much right now. Met's say that something had to be said before he could talk. If NotSirk ever make use of him, or if one day I have the rest of his story to tell, he and his family would be a lot more talkative. But this story is more an introspection from Alejandro point of view than anything else. :)
Date: December 05 2017 2:35 AM Title: Chapter 2 : The Incident
Geez!......You said this would be a brutal story! I was warned but......wow. This is a darker side to MAJOR/minor.
I don't blame Alejandro at all for never wanting a bond.....how does he even trust his family?! Alaric would be the only one! I'd never want to be near another MAJOR! It makes me wonder what would happen to abused minors? They probably have permanent mental and physical healthcare options since they're more "frail" and seen as precious.
I don't know if it was a guess or what but you described pretty close what a bond is like and wow being forced on is a lot less pleasant than even what happened to Izzy. Who is this insane Jonathan who would abuse an eight year old? And he had a gun at fourteeen?! Well MAJORS are capable of driving at ten so I believe it.
How does Alejandro recover from this!?
Oh and it's amazing you wrote all this without english being your primary language. As a English speaking American that always impresses me because I don't know any other language. Don't feel a need to use Izzy unless you want to. This is great as it's own thing. No pressure to use my characters.
Well, he trusts his parents because he knows they love him, and they are more open minded than most MAJORS, since they taught him how to speak, write and read three languages before he was eight. And he knows they love him, so he's able to trust them or his sister. Less than Alaric, obviously but still. He doesn't rust MAJORS right now, probably never will, but it doesn't mean that he is not attracted by some girls (Rebecca or Jessica from the main series would be his go to physically). But they would need to learn to change their behaviour to have a chance with him, haha !
als, you'll see how he coped with his trauma in the next ans final chapter, coming our after my work, in eight hours ^^.
Date: December 04 2017 4:12 PM Title: Chapter 1 : Nightmare of a distant past
......Wow!....Okay let's do this!
First: How did Jessica a side character to a side character only briefly in ONE chapter get a mention?! Snub! Izzy got snubbed!
Besides that I'm impressed with the world building. Things like Alejandro's birth or MAJORS fighting over tv size and childishly claiming him! That's good. And bond raped! Wow! I need to see how that went down. It is something that can happen! I won't cover it more than you've seen though. Kinda clashes with the more light hearted tone of my story.
Speaking of Alejando! Like no joke Izzy would love him! Fun fact: She lost her right arm in Small the debut story she also stars in. Sooo that's a coincidence! If ever there were a minor worth meeteing! She'd probably hate him at first though. He'd steal her thunder!
Ummm I really don't know what to say except I want to know more about him. And you might be a better writer than me! I'm gonna give it another read!
Thanks ! Don't worry about Izzy, she'll have a mention very soon, and an important one at that !
I didn't know she had lost an arm in a previous story. Alejandro and her could bond over it haha ! As for the writing part... turth been told, I try to become a Fantasy writer and thus have written a lot (350+ A4 pages) of story prior to this, it helps. But man, it is hard writing it in English and not French !