Date: December 01 2017 8:45 PM Title: Chapter 1
The story definitely reads like a hypermodified RP. One tiny suggestion to make it flow more smoothly, change the tense of some of your verbs. Instead of 'says' use 'said' or use 'continue' instead of 'continues'.
Otherwise from that I thought it was a very good first story. The length alone makes it stand out, as most first timer's will stop at 800 words condensed into big blocks of text. So this was nice to see. The descriptions were certainly present, and while not quite as thorough as it could be, do paint an image.
On a conceptual level I enjoyed the spin on a Queendom. I first thought it'd be very distinctly medieval, so the world has potential for future expansion considering the openness of anachronistic objects not conflicting too much with the plot.
All in all, welcome to the site. This was a solid start.
Author's Response: Thanks, Iíll try to keep that in mind on my errors. But Iím glad you liked it. Gives me more motivation to improve.