Date: January 03 2018 4:40 AM Title: Chapter 1 Shrunk
cant beleive i didnt write a review for this i think the story is awsome its not perfectly written but most on here arnt i loved it and am still checking daily for a new one and now im waiting just as he lads in her ass i love parts like this and it stops just as it happends waiting patenitnly but excitidly
keep it up love it
Date: November 12 2017 11:59 PM Title: Chapter 1 Shrunk
For your first story it's not bad. I suggest taking your time in detailing his thoughts, actions, and the enviornment around him. If you had gone into more detail, you could have added a few more pages worth of words to expand on this chapter. I agree with vgiv about quotation and structure, which you really should work on.
I suggest looking up Jacksmith, and reading a few of his stories, especially 'Julia'. He is a very good example on the way you should quotation your conversations and form your sentences/indentations.
Your chapter has intrigued me, so I'll probably end up following your future chapters if they pan out :)
I don't understand how you could be confused? The story is titled 'Lisa', thus 'Lisa' will obviously be a main component of the story... I feel that criticism is slightly ridiculous, but I suppose that is just my opinion :/
Date: September 15 2017 6:38 PM Title: Chapter 1 Shrunk
Titled "Lisa" and has a main character named Brad but it isn't about "Lisa: the Painful RPG"
Confused and slightly disapointed
Author's Response: ilikepie sorry for the disappointment in the story please feel free to give me advice I am always willing to listen to any advice given to me.
Date: September 15 2017 12:49 AM Title: Chapter 1 Shrunk
Formatting definitely needs work, but you already said you were working on it so that's fine.
The firsf person perspective is difficult to pull off convincingly. A lot of people do that for their first stories, and get mixed results. You need to make the transition between thinking and physical actions more clear, and quite frankly, add in a lot more details. Be more specific, or just describe things more elaborately.
Don't make entire sentences in all caps. It looks bad and sounds bad when it is being read. Only use all caps once or twice at most, and that should be for good reason, like someone who is usually quiet suddenly yelling.
And dont do this:
Well that happened I said with fear in my voice.
You need quotation marks. And there are other instances when question marks should be used, like when making plams or suggestions to oneself. Like when Brad is wondering how to get Adria's attention.
And refrain from describing a bell ringing by trying to make the sound with words or letters. Just say 'the bell rang' or of you want to be fancy 'the high pitched wailing of the bell reverberated through the hallways' something like that, not RIIINGGG.
And since this is a first person story, with only a single person not talking to anybody yet, don't focus so much on what he is thinking and put more emphasis on what he is physically doing or what he is seeing.
I'm sorry if I sound overly critical I'm just trying to help. I think you have potential, and don't want to see your efforts and talents not used to their fullest possibility. Hope this helps.
Author's Response: vgiv thank you for review I'll do everything I can to improve the second chapter. I'll definitely use your advice to help me so I can make this a better story. Thank you again for the advice I'm really thankful that you care enough to give me the advice I need.