Reviewer: Jay-Bug Signed [Report This]
Date: July 30 2017 2:30 PM Title: Chapter 1

Okay, f'real, are you my long lost twin or something?  I am literally in the middle of writing a story that makes a passing reference to the scorpion and frog tale.

(Actually, it was initially the scorpion and turtle, but scorpion and frog allows for a particularly amphibious lietmotif, tying in the 'frogs who wanted a king' fable.)

Eitherway, great story.  More straightforward than your previous work, but not any less intense for it, nor any less competent in exploring cruelty.  I like how you include the societal structures that allow for things like this to occur, particularly the implied apathy by a lack of true effort by the powers that be, even in spite of advocacy groups, etc.  It adds a particular sense of verisimilitude, especially compared to real world issues like homelessness.

Also, my real name is Jeremy, which usually doesn't get much play in stories, so it's nice to see that.

On the constructive criticism side, two things stick out.  One, your use of possessive apostrophes is not always consistent or correct (i.e., in the penultimate paragraph, humanities should be humanity's, societies should be society's, girls’ should be girl's, etc.).  Nothing a little proofreading can't fix.

Two, and this is maybe just me nitpicking, but calling infatuation with personal gratification a 'new' religion is a little weird.  In recent history, and in the US, at least, the personal gratification train has been running on all cylinders since the 1980's.  I suppose you can make an argument about modern life accelerating it though?  I don't know, maybe this falls under personal taste.

Reviewer: AdamX Signed [Report This]
Date: July 27 2017 4:11 PM Title: Chapter 1

I'm in love with Gwen, I'd love to see more of her at some point.