Reviewer: midnightwriter85 Signed [Report This]
Date: July 05 2017 6:16 PM Title: Chapter 25

  Still with you here, Spook! Awesome personal developement within the story. So subtle, and yet, ...so powerful. I've been trying to predict what's coming - and you've thrown me a hook every time! Lol! ...been following closely though, really great writing (Professional style and quality) Hopefully, I can pick up some of your talent!!  

 

Author's Response:

Hey there midnight! You've got quite a lot of talent yourself, especially with your latest story, which I need to catch up on. Back in my Splinter's Edge days, I think you were one of my first reviewers, so essentially you helped push me down the path to write. Thanks!

Reviewer: pixl8ed Signed [Report This]
Date: July 04 2017 7:17 AM Title: Chapter 25

     This chapter was really different and interesting.  It was great to see Eli aiming higher, being more active in the story and making choices that had an effect. 
     If Eli has burned the bridge to Premoria, so be it.  It is fascinating to see him try to do a good thing and it cost him his hopes and dreams.  In a sense he is like Leonitis of Sparta in that he is sacrificing his aspirations for his principles.  Against impossible odds, even.  A noble defeat can have so much  more impact than a victory.

     The impact of this excellent chapter has been undermined by the previous chapters, however.  It isn’t  making one go “will Eli succeed?”  It makes one wonder “how will he fail this time?”  And the moment Elona mentions chipping, we suspect how.   The suspense of the attempt to rescue Ashley is stillborn, replaced with “Oh look, a new story element, how long til it makes Eli wrong or humiliated or lessens him in some way?"  Breaking the rule that your charachter has to have some success has become just another rule.  It is descending into cliche'. 

     To be honest, I feel a little set up.  A lot of the devices, and situations that have become devices or cliche’s in this story are here.   Ashley forgot she was chipped?  That’s a little too convenient.  Or did you finally introduce a character that wasn’t pro binding and make her insane?  Straw man anybody?  He came here looking for a life without binding and Parker forgot to mention he needed to let them know in advance?  That’s a little too convenient.
     Mom finally gets some hint that Eli is being abused on the internet and it just happens to be one that Winter didn’t take part in?  That’s a little too convenient.  Winter avoids responsibility again.  And mom doesn’t notice...again.  That tune is getting really old.

     I’m really concerned that this dramatic moment isn’t going to change anything.
      Eli, who has the least power in this situation will have the most responsibility.  It will be just be another excuse to humiliate and lessen him further, to make him “wrong," like everything else in this tale.  Plus, I am expecting some sort of non-disclosure contract to come into play.  So Eli won’t even be able to use his YouTube celebrity.  Or he’ll be so undermined by the accusations that it will come to naught.   And thanks to binding, he won’t be able to hold this moment in his heart...to use it to make himself stronger.  I realize you are seeking to be “different."  But to what end?  If this proud moment of courage and decisiveness leads to just more wheels spinning, what is it different than?  I mean, you can only emulate the end of “happy games" so many times.  If your purpose in every chapter is to demonstrate life is unfair...well, I think most people know that.  If your purpose is to create a feeling of depression and frustration...over and over and over...what are you accomplishing as a writer?
     And I’m seeing the same old Winter situation in our future.  Nothing touches her.  Here, I fear, we will only see her taking some responsibility for Eli’s actions, not her own.  She will simply enjoy her “punishment” and will come out of this situation unchanged...probably worse...feeling more justified in her abuse of Eli.  If she has all this power over him, where is her responsibility?  Nowhere.  Is a watcher supposed to be responsible or not?  Is Eli empowered (and thus responsible) or not?  If it just leads to just more of the big people having it both ways, it’s really pushing the boundaries of tolerable illogic.  This is hinted at in this very chapter.  She has just demonstated her incompetence as a watcher and so is immediatley given free reign to "discipline" Eli. 
     So in essence, it will just lead to more of the same.   The same relationships played out the same way over and over again. The same tune repeated, only louder.
 
     I would strongly encourage you to cut the redundant characters from the story.   Everyone in Eli’s life will disrespect him or ignore his suffering.  That tale has been told.  Every revisit to those interactions is territory already covered.  Does Ashley have any family?  Maybe there could be a source of people who interact with Eli in a different way.  A source of some variety of characters.   Of course when it turns out that some of them are colluding with the owners of Premoria so they can control the rights to her music, you can make this into a defeat for him too.

     While I feel my pessimism is justified based on previous chapters, you might just surprise the heck out of me.  This chapter sure did.  But there have been lots of wasted opportunities before.  And the relationships around Eli are a tangle that doesn’t seem worth sorting through because they all lead to the same place.  But there has been so much to love about this story. Your ability to create characters that we find ourselves rooting for is really on display here.  When the emotions are real and the characters are affecting each other it is so fascinating and potent.  I would really love to see more of that.

Thank you,

Pix

Author's Response:

I enjoy reading your reviews, Pix. Perhaps its masochism, but seeing the ways I fail as an author makes it even more rewarding when I, in spite of criticisms, finish the next chapter.

Perhaps it is a 'vanity' piece, something I'm just writing for myself, failing my readers left and right. I try not to look to deeply into it. I just sit down and let the story come out. It's raw. Perhaps it's also cliche, broken, full of straw men and whatever else you said, but I've truly enjoyed writing every chapter.

If you stop reading the story, you'll be less frustrated. But then, ten year's later, you'll remember something from it. You'll check and see if it ever got done. Then you'll jump to the last chapter and read it first. :)

Reviewer: foreignkanto Signed [Report This]
Date: July 03 2017 12:59 PM Title: Chapter 25

Holy shit. Things got real fast. You've been leaving hints that's something is wrong at Premoria for a long time, and now those are finally coming to fruition. Sadly their premie prison break wasn't succesful. It's truly horrifying how they keep them there, and then they after Eli and Ashley are caught, they bind them both into submission. It's a really brutal thing to read, both of them crying and screaming in desperation before being put into a controlled state.

I was worrying this story was gone, and I clicked on this chapter as soon as I saw it. It's such a good story. I'm excited for what comes next. Eli needs to speak with Parker again at some point, find out what really goes down in Premoria. That is, if he can ever escape with his mind intact.

Author's Response:

Yes, Parker might have warned him. Who knows the reasons why she chose to leave Premoria. She doesn't seem particularily averse to binding, so perhaps she simply didn't want to seek a job as a watcher after becoming human. Looks like Eli may find out all he needs to know himself during his week of 'imprisonment'. Ty for the review!