Date: May 12 2017 5:15 PM Title: Chapter 23
Fell off the map a bit on this one, just caught up on the last few chapters.
Holy hell, this is one of the most amazing stories on the site. Love it.
Giant fan of Winter's development as she's become more possessive and protective of Eli. Her behaviour in the small town watching his tractor work is fantastic.
Apologies I don't have more details at the moment, just know that this is killing me.
Author's Response:
Yes Winter has taken more of the spotlight perhaps, but when I write, I just let it flow. There may be loose ends here and there and general chaos, but I like it that way. It more closely resembles real life, no neat and tidy bows.
That being said, the other characters aren't forgotten.
Glad you enjoyed the tractor scene. Thanks for the review!
Date: May 09 2017 2:04 PM Title: Chapter 23
Finally made it through the story. It's an interesting world that's been built here. The whole relationship between humans and premies is a little creepy and unsettling and I'm glad that there's definitely acknowledgement of that with Eli and the Premoria community. I'm really hoping we get to see it come to a head when Eli is able to afford to go live there. All in all it's an interesting story you have and I'll be watching to see where it goes.
Author's Response:
Thanks for the review! I agree, it is a bit creepy and unsettling. Judging from the latest chapter, the initial glimpses of Premoria don't seem to be all that less creepy. Here's to holding out hope for the rest of the city. :)
Date: April 23 2017 7:39 AM Title: Chapter 23
Okay, let me be honest. You are clearly a skilled and capable author. But I do not feel I can trust you as an author. This story, so far, is so full of contrivances that serve no other purpose than to undermine your title character.
His objectives are ones most people can identify with, independence, self-determination, something resembling the minimum amount of respect any person deserves. Yet in pursuit of these very reasonable goals he find nothing but humiliation and army of people (who have it so much better than him) telling him he’s wrong.
And every time he’s “proven” wrong it just smells like a pile of rotting plot devices.
I’m not sure why you chose Eli as a focus character, you seem to feel he has very little to offer your audience but his humiliation and capitulation.
I’m truly expecting, as we get deeper into it, to see Premoria full of hollow eyed premies wandering up to Winter going “bind? bind?” like some sort of deprived junkies. You have found every way to make Eli’s goals and desires pointless and futile and I fully expect Premoria to fall into the same category. So far it’s full of pushy, sucky people and it will just be one more option that Eli doesn’t have.
Now if he were the sort who was happy just being the center of attention (no matter the quality of the attention) he’d be in paradise. But that ain’t the case. If here were the sort who wanted other people making decisions for him, again, heaven.
You should just call this story “Eli was wrong until he learned to just go along with what other people want.”
I’m sorry, but this story is mean-spirited at it’s core and I understand why, when asked how most premies die he answered “suicide.” (Of course, he was wrong about that too.) It seems like he’s being whittled down to two choices...this miserable, 3rd rate existence or ...that.
Now, I wouldn’t care if this were just some poorly drawn out crap. You clearly understand how to tell a story with interesting characters. But that only makes your manipulation of the whole world to be against your unfortunate protagonist even worse.
I was really interested in seeing the character take on the challenge of his circumstances. I was “with" him on that journey. But I have felt very unrewarded for my investment...in fact, I have felt betrayed as you keep forcing Eli to be wrong wrong wrong. I can’t get behind the character and his goals if you as the writer won’t let me. Until Eli starts getting some victories on his own terms this will be an exercise in futility.
I thank you for your efforts.
pixl8ed
Author's Response:
You wrote quite a lot, and I thank you for taking the time to do so!
I like to try to learn from reviews, both positive and negative.
As for plot devices and contrivances, I assume you mean binding. It's been controversial with other readers. If this were a published work, I'd take alpha/beta comments liek this and either remove the mechanic or add it at the very beginning, so its woven into the story fabric/world from page 1. This could be done before publishing (assuming I were ever going to publish something).
As for your comments on 'world against unfortunate protagonist' and 'until Eli starts getting some victories', ironically, those make me happy. I fear life being too easy for the main character. I don't like books/movies with predictable plotlines. I like real stuff (put character in situation x - go), even if it makes no sense, is boring, or fails to develop the character. For example, I enjoyed shameless -- a show where every episode, the main character(s) lose battle after battle, situation getting worse and worse -- yet they still stick together as a family and get back up again, moving forward.
I like odd books and films, such as 'let the right one in'. There is no happy ending (not saying i hate happy endings), it's wierd, often dark, psychological, unpredictable, few if any 'victories' won by either character...not even really a protagonist.
Now, I'm not claiming to be nearly as talented an author as someone like John Ajvide Lindqvist, who some say is the next Stephen King, but I'm just explaining my mindset.
I realize I'm probably failing all over the place with 'plot devices' and 'contrivances', but I'm definitely going to 'get back up' and try to improve in those areas. Perhaps it's a lost cause for Youtube (after all -- the title of the story itself is misleading -- how little is YouTube actually referenced), but to me the story is still 'alive' in my head, so I'll keep writing it just because I am interested in what happens. I'm a pantser (no outlines), so I have no idea what's going to happen and I write largely to find out for myself. Then when I write the next story, I'll work harder at removing the dues ex contrivances -- that's always been one of my major goals -- but it's good to hear when I'm unsuccessful so I can try harder next time.
Thanks for the feedback, pixl8ed!
[Report This]Date: April 23 2017 12:10 AM Title: Chapter 23
Interesting chapter about that place. It also feels realistic that that would exist.
I would be cool to see build stuff it that scale and be so much more real than any toy you have ever seen.
He is lucky to have Winter too. A very kind sister. I could never get mad at her because her actions are never meant to harm.
Again the details of it all, make this world feels real.
Author's Response:
Hopefully we'll get to see some buildings in the next chapter, or at least more of the city.
Thanks for your detailed and frequent reviews!
[Report This]Date: April 22 2017 8:26 PM Title: Chapter 23
Wow, Premoria looks to be so awesome for a premie. I can see why Eli wanted to see it so badly. Winter will just have to get a job there... 'sorry Eli'
Author's Response:
LOL, well so long as she doesn't try to control his life, Eli probably wouldn't mind.
As for Premoria looking awesome, we've only see a bit of it so far. There's a lot more to see.