Date: July 30 2015 4:24 AM Title: ~this story has been removed~
This was very creative, and had a strong start. It's not my cup of tea, but I really liked the sense of scale you gave everything.
One big problem, though, and it's that your grammar and word phrasing often misses the mark, for example:
"When the purse abruptly stops falling I guess she threw it in the passenger seat."
The other problem is that I feel like this is stream of thought, which is great, but you need to figure out how to portray a thought. Obviously the character is thinking, so words like "I think" are already implied and are uncessary. Furthermore, they make the sentence harder to read:
"Is this really what a bar fight is, I think," If you're going to portray just a static thought, you should do more than just seperate it by commas. Since you're on GTSWorld, using italics is a good way to seperate 'stream of thought' kind of ideas that seperate a thought from a description.
Just saying Is this really what a bar fight is? with a follow up/leading sentence is enough to seperate it. So it would be <scene description> <italics thought> <seperate sentence break>
Overall that was a very creative death and the concept was nice, it was dark as hell but well thought out. It could use a lot more structure and more direction, you really should plan at least some of this out, and then you'd have a solid piece of writing.
Date: July 24 2015 4:31 PM Title: ~this story has been removed~
Good end, but I felt as though it was almost a little too high-concept. It could use some dialogue to break up the walls of text, at the very least from the narrator if not the GTS herself. Neat style though.
Author's Response: Since your response I've made the choice to heavily edit this story. Thank you for the feedback, by refining this I've made a piece that I am truly proud of.