Date: December 30 2014 4:01 PM Title: Pasta and Meteors
I like the story though!
. .
<
_____/
Author's Response:
Thanks, I noticed you created an account on the same day you reviewed my story, did you do it for this?
Date: December 30 2014 3:55 PM Title: Pasta and Meteors
you said "Alvin calmly wiped some spit off his cheek, Patricia’s tirade feeling limp and impotent."
You mispelled tired
Author's Response:
No no, tirade as in a scolding of some sort, I wasn't describing her energy level.
Date: December 30 2014 3:53 PM Title: Pasta and Meteors
You said "As he walked back to his house, a simple two storey building, the second floor was where all the bedrooms were, his load felt a lighter."
You mispelled story
Author's Response:
I used the British spelling for this since where I'm from we normally the British format.
[Report This]Date: October 04 2014 4:49 AM Title: Pasta and Meteors
Here's another site I reference when I'm writing in limited/intimate/close pov. It shows how to avoid 'head-hopping':
http://jamigold.com/2013/07/7-methods-for-handling-point-of-view/
And yes, your quality is improving. Keep writing and, most importantly, write for yourself. The rest will follow naturally.
Author's Response:
Thanks, you've been very helpful. I'll play around with it when I write my next chapter, be it this story, Escape or my next BFG story. I think I'll do it for the latter two, I think my BFG work needs brushing up.
I do best when I feel for the writing so am hoping that it'll end on a high note.
[Report This]Date: October 04 2014 4:40 AM Title: Pasta and Meteors
It's sometimes referred to as third-person limited or intimate.
http://grammar.about.com/od/tz/g/thirdpersonpovterm.htm
Not critical of course, everyone prefers a different styles when writing. However, it's good to know the options and the benefits of each.
Author's Response:
I am guessing you mean the third person omniscient so that would impart more of a character's feelings into the writing and allow the reader to feel more rather than the usual third person which might spread itself too thinly. Thanks for the advice, I'll try it out and see if it fits. I think I'm headed in the right direction when it comes to quality, just need to polish it and I might be able to churn out something that'll be remembered for the ages.
[Report This]Date: October 04 2014 3:19 AM Title: Pasta and Meteors
Nice chapter. Good to see Cassie helping Alvin out. Still not sure why Wendy hates him so much.
One recommendation would be to consider zooming to a more intimate POV. Choose one person's head per scene and focus on that. Makes for a more enjoyable reading experience. For example in this chapter you used phrases such as "how could she ever get him to trust" and "in his head he prayed" in the same scene. If Cassie was the pov, she could make guesses that Alvin prayed, but that's about it. Just an idea. A more distant third-person is fine too, but sometimes makes it more difficult to pack an emotional punch.
Author's Response:
I can promise you that it'll be explained why Wendy hates him so much, it's that kind of story where things are done for a reason and not because " Me big, you small. I fuck you." Cassie should be helping him out,she did make his day worse.
You mean go first person? Is that what you're saying or I can still go third person but focus on one character's thoughts? I am trying to evolve my writing style into something better, mostly taking inspiration from the Titan quartet and you, fusing it with my own style. Thanks for reviewing.
[Report This]Date: September 30 2014 10:15 PM Title: Pasta and Meteors
The chapter is good, and now I finally know where the connection between this story and Incorporated lies. The only advice I can give is to remember to look over your work to fix the little grammar and spelling errors.
Do you have an estimation as to when the next chapter might come out (.i.e. Saturday, etc.)?
Author's Response:
Congratulations on being reviewer No. 50!
There'll be little connections here and there but don't expect it to be like Titan, vgiv and I agreed we wouldn't do something like that. I already do check my work but it seems there are still errors. No problem, I can always double my efforts.
Next chapter is a bios update. It'll be out this weekend, so the bios page will finally be up but I need to update The Escape, it's seriously in need of one so the next true update for Downtrodden will be next week at the earliest.
Date: September 30 2014 8:24 PM Title: Pasta and Meteors
Amazing chapter... Probably the best one out so far!
Author's Response:
I hope you say this for every chapter that follows!
Date: September 30 2014 6:24 PM Title: Pasta and Meteors
Aaahhh.... young love.
Author's Response:
A bit soon for that although if this were a fairy tale I wouldn't hesitate to try it out.
[Report This]Date: September 30 2014 9:13 AM Title: Pasta and Meteors
Okay Cassie is starting to grow on me already. For someone of her size, power, beauty, intelligence and popularity to have the amount of guilt and empathy that she does is almost too good to be true.
But I AM glad she is likable. Hopefully her and Alvin can be real friends and not just together because of her guilt. As for Wendy, I cannot believe that bitch! Seriously! What if Alvin had gotten seriously hurt or worse! What if he went missing forever or ended up dead in a ditch somewhere?
I don't know if Wendy is straight up evil, I kinda feel like she isn't, she's just a bitch. I think if something REALLY bad happened to Alvin because of her she'd feel remourse. But then again, she DID leave Alvin tied up somewhere where he could have potentially died so...
Author's Response:
Well just because she is a giant cheerleader doesn't mean she feels no guilt or anything like that, giants have feelings too. I also hope Cassie and Alvin can be friends and not just because she feels guilty over what she did.
Wendy will be addressed in the coming chapters, can't just leave her out of it. Yeah I don't think she'd kill Alvin or do something that would get him killed but you never know.