Reviewer: Stubbornstain Signed [Report This]
Date: April 21 2014 3:59 PM Title: Chapter 2: Girl's Night Out

There's probably things I've missed in my commentary, but oh well. The spacing between the paragraphs seems off. You ought to look at that since there doesn't appear to be any spacing between the paragraphs. I really like this story so the amount of discrepancies I found are a shame. You seem miss out commas in places. 

Here:

“Nonsense you’ll be the talk of the town.” 

I feel it should be either:

“Nonsense! You’ll be the talk of the town.”

OR:

“Nonsense; you’ll be the talk of the town.” 

Here:

and she stagger through the door.

I think you mean:

Staggered

Here:

In my case I’m not just tall I’m a full blown giant, even if I didn’t wear my heels the average person would still be around my ankles. 

I feel the setence might work better as:

In my case I’m not just tall, I’m a full blown giant. Even if I didn’t wear my heels, the average person would still be around my ankles.

Here:

“Fuck me you have flying cars?” asked 

He's not asking to be literally "fucked" I'm sure so, a comma after ME is required. Here's an example:

I love cooking my family and pets.

Should be:

I love cooking, my family and pets.

Since the person does not want to cook their family or their pets (I would assume they don't).

Here:

 “Sure we’ve had them for centuries,” 

I think you mean:

 “Sure, we’ve had them for centuries,” 

I'm not sure why but it seems to feel better with the extra comma.

Here:

look down at her incredibly tiny friend. 

You mean: looking

There way you worded this:

The woman behind the bar was the tallest woman that Tucker had ever seen in his life, well before he met Jessica that was. 

To me, it made it seem like Tucker had met the woman behind the bar before meeting Jessica.

Here:

“Sure as you already know Jenny is very small and Jessica is very big.”

I feel it would make sense to have a "." after sure.

Here:

I know what I’m doing besides a few more mes isn’t so bad.

I feel it would be better as:

I know what I’m doing, besides, a few more of me isn’t so bad. 

Here:

Jessica could see and hear her clearly

You appear to be missing a "." after clearly.

You then go on to talk about how Jessica has been avoiding accidents with cars. This seems a bit irrelevant given the circumstances.

I'm a bit confused by this sentence:

She quietly waved goodbye to her friends before Jessica moved on.

Who quietly waved goodbye? The only character mentioned by name before that sentence in that paragraph is Jessica.

Author's Response:

Thanks for pointing those out. I will try and improve in the future. I try to proof read chapers before I post them but I always miss a few. It's normal when you're reading your own work, that's why it's best to have someone else read it first because they will most likely spot mistakes. BTW are you enjoying what you're reading so far?